


Wicked Games

by heyitsbabz, youngvolcahoes



Category: Bandom, Multi-Fandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Brendon is great, Drug Use, F/M, Humor, I LIVE FOR DRAMA THO SO WHATEVER, I lied, I love breadbin, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Oops, Religious Guilt, Sexual Frustration, Unrequited Love, and I love it, but it's a good disaster, everyones a dumbass, feels come outta nowhere tbh, fluff too, hahahaha read it and see, it's good, its a grand ol time in this au, like calm down yall wtf, lots of pining, take a ride on this emotional rollercoaster friends, theres a lot of fucking drama, they go to tacobell alot, this is just a disaster from start to finish, typical but whatcha gonna do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:17:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 146,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5309099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyitsbabz/pseuds/heyitsbabz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngvolcahoes/pseuds/youngvolcahoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh didn't mean to be rude to Tyler. Sure, Tyler abandoned him in high school when Josh told him one of his dirty little secrets, but Josh didn't hold grudges. He <em> didn't.</em></p><p> <em>OR, the one where Josh is an idiot, Tyler is a bigger idiot and they both end up fucking shit up.<em></em></em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I don't want any trouble (it just chooses to find me)

**Author's Note:**

> this story would not be possible without kai (youngvolcahoes) so s/o to that dork. She's literally the heart of the story, the idea giver when I'm stuck and the best person ever. 
> 
> but that's a different story entirely. Anyway, thanks kai. love u lots, u lil bitch. :)

There are times when Tyler enjoys waking up early, like the times when the sun is out and the birds are chirping, the smell of his mother’s practically world famous - to him anyway, he's definitely _not_ bias - pecan pancakes with a side of bacon and complete with hashbrowns wafting through the air.

Waking up to the sound of thunder and rain pounding down on the car window while his mother practically shouted about how excited she was about Tyler going to college, let alone with his girlfriend Jenna smiling way too brightly for 7:30 in the morning beside him was not ideal for him.

“Morning, honey!” His mother practically shouted in his ear as he groaned and stared up at the ceiling as if asking God why this was his life. She's acting like she hadn't spoken to him, like, 2 hours ago before he fell asleep.

He knew his parents meant well, he really did, but sometimes they could both be too much. They had specific hopes and standards for Tyler and he sometimes felt overwhelmed with it all.  Sometimes he just couldn't see himself being good enough for them and he thanked his lucky stars that he would finally be away from them now, as horrible of a thought as it was.

“Hey, Ty,” A soft voice spoke next to him and he glanced into two bottomless depths of blue. “Sleep well?”

“No,” He told Jenna honestly. He didn't understand how she could be so pretty even in the early morning; there wasn't a stray hair out of place. “I'm pretty sure I have a crick in my neck.”

He emphasized his point by beginning to stretch his neck and rotating it from side to side making her giggle and cuddle up onto his arm. Tyler sighed a small smile on his face, somewhat content when he caught his father's eye in the rear view mirror.

Tyler’s smile dropped completely from his face and he looked out the window. They were pulling up to UO; they just needed to find his dorm -and Jenna's- and then they'd leave and Tyler would be free. The smile was back on his face, glancing down at his girlfriend and kissing the top of her head quickly.

Needless to say it took them quite some time to find the dorm. And by quite some time, he meant his parents kept fighting about directions and after circling all of campus about 500 times - he’s not exaggerating, he swears - Tyler decided to whip out his phone and GPS the location to get them to shut the fuck up. He and Jenna had already got their room keys at this point and although now Jenna seemed sort of annoyed having waited a while to get her key, she still managed to have a smile on her face.

Tyler’s dad parked the car, grumbling about how stupid of a location this was and Tyler sighed inwardly, quickly chastising himself because honestly he only had to endure this for about 10 more minutes. He could do it. He could keep his mouth shut and stay on his best behaviour for 10 more minutes.

They unloaded their bags from the trunk of the car in silence, the rain having stopped by now. His father set down Jenna's bags in front of her, while Tyler took his own. Honest to God, Tyler had no fucking idea what to pack; he brought his clothes, his shoes and all these other necessities, but really he had a feeling he’d probably be living out of the same outfit everyday and using the _dude there’s a washing machine, learn to use it_ excuse.

His mother broke the silence, a small sob escaping her lips as she threw her arms around Tyler’s neck, pulling him down and closer to her.

“Oh, my precious boy, my little Tyler,” She sniffled and Tyler didn't have the heart to tell her she was choking him so he just laughed awkwardly and pat her back in what he hoped was a soothing way. “When did you grow up? Last time I checked you were still a baby and now you're in college! How? My small boy, my-”

“Alright Kelly, that's enough,” His dad chuckle, pulling her off of Tyler. “He’s starting college, not going to war.”

She wiped under her eyes and nodded, agreeing with him. Tyler was hoping his dad wouldn't say anything else, but of course nothing ever worked out in Tyler’s favour and he was stuck hearing the same speech he’s heard since he started high school.

“Now Tyler, I know you're in college now and you don't need me reminding you,” His father began and Tyler wanted to roll his eyes so far back into his head they’d fall out. “But you're grades are the number one priority. I don't care about the parties or the girls - no offence, Jenna - or even your friends. I went to college too, I know how easy it is to slip up and you sir, don't have the opportunity for slip ups, you hear? You're here-”

“On a scholarship." Tyler cut in, having heard enough. "Dad, I know all of this already. You've been giving me this speech since I was in diapers, I understand.”

 _Just leave_ , Tyler kept thinking. _L_ _eave me alone_.

“Alright, just making sure.” His dad gave him a quick hug, while his mother told him to eat enough food and not to stress out too much and next thing he knew they were driving away and he felt like he could finally breathe.

“Well, that was interesting,” Jenna snorted, walking up to Tyler, pulling her suitcase with her. “‘I don't care about the girls no offence, Jenna.’”

Tyler laughed at the way she mocked his dad so perfectly, making her voice deeper and slightly more raspy.

“They're both _fucking_ insane.”

“There's the Tyler I know and love.” She grinned, leaning into him and finally, _finally_ , kissing him.

He kissed her back just as desperately, his parents being the conservative Christians they were really didn't work out well for the two of them seeing as PDA was a big no. Fuck, they hadn't even bothered to give him the sex talk before they left and Tyler smiled. He smiled because he was finally away from them, he could finally do what he wanted without worrying and most of all, he was finally able to find himself. Whoever that is.

He felt Jenna smile into the kiss too and finally pulled away, a lazy smile pulling at his now red kissed lips. “Come on, let’s find our rooms.”

* * *

 

Turns out Jenna is on the second floor and Tyler on the fourth; it’s fine, really. Tyler could only see so much of Jenna and them being in the same dorm already was enough.

He had been unpacking when his roommate - he assumed - stumbled in, muttering to himself. Tyler couldn't hear, but by the looks of it, he seemed pretty annoyed too. Guess everyone's just having a tough morning. Tyler cleared his throat and the kid finally looked up, startled.

“Oh! Wow, I’m so sorry.” The guy began apologizing while running a hand through his flat brown hair. “You probably think I'm crazy, I'm sorry. This morning is just not going too well. I’m Patrick. Patrick Stump.”

He held out his hand and Tyler got up to shake it. “Tyler Joseph. Don't worry about it, I think everyone is having a shitty morning.”

They both continued unpacking, easy conversation flowing between the two of them and Tyler could honestly say that Patrick seemed like one of the sweetest guys he’d ever met. He had a genuine kindness attached to him and Tyler admired it.

Tyler stopped unpacking his things long enough to notice the guitar case resting on the head of his roommate's bed. Curiosity got the best of him and he sort of wanted to see what sort of guitar it was, what colour, what brand, everything. Patrick noticed him staring at it and gave him a shy smile.

“Do you play?” Tyler asked, a faint blush covering his cheeks at being caught staring.

“Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but I ain't even that good,” He joked, glancing at Tyler now, a grin on his face. “Do you?”

“I doubt you suck and I play the uke.” Tyler beamed proudly. He loved his uke more than anything and although his friends made fun of him for it back in high school, it never stopped him from playing.

Patrick laughed, a smile lighting up his whole face. “That’s adorable.”

They continued speaking for a while after, Tyler finding out how Patrick was a student leader in high school and how he helped the community a bit -he's also very modest, Tyler noticed- when Tyler felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Quickly unlocking it, he noticed he had a text from none other than the infamous Alex Gaskarth.

Alex: _yo dude where are you??? meet up with all of us we feel neglected_

And attached was a picture of himself, Jack, Gerard and Frank. How they all found each other so fast, he has no idea.

He sends them back a text asking where they are and in less than a minute he gets a reply. The cafeteria is apparently giving out coffee and the group had to go see if it was true. He sighed, rolling his eyes before texting Jenna.

“Hey, do you want to come with me to meet up with my friends?” Tyler asked Patrick before facepalming. “I mean, they're all assholes, but they'd like you. If you want to come.”

Tyler got up and walked toward the door quickly, not wanting to pressure Patrick or anything. Patrick probably thought he was a dick who assumed he had no friends and great, now he’d hate Tyler and this whole year would be hell.

“Sure, where are they?” Patrick asked, getting up from his cross legged position on his bed and walking out the door, waiting for Tyler to lock it.

“Cafeteria,” Tyler rolled his shoulders and descending the stairs once they reached the end of the hall. “They wanted free coffee.”

“Ah,” Patrick hummed knowingly. “They are very wise, these friends of yours.”

Tyler snorted and shook his head; as if. Tyler could have gone his whole life without seeing any of them again, but here they all were, after high school, still hanging out together. He stopped walking down the stairs on the second floor and waited for Jenna, who was walking toward him with another petite blonde next to her.

“Hey,” She greeted him with a quick kiss before gesturing to the girl next to her. “This is Debby. Debby, Tyler.”

Jenna introduced them and they both shook hands while Tyler did the same with Patrick, quick ‘it’s nice to meet you’s’ being exchanged before they all began walking to the caf.

Jenna slipped her fingers through his and he smiled down at her as she engaged in conversation with Patrick and Debby. It always shocked Tyler how much of a people person Jenna was; she loved meeting people and figuring out their stories. And she was especially good with kids; no wonder she was majoring in child studies. She has the patience Tyler didn't.  

“Oh, shoot,” Tyler sighed, letting go of Jenna's hand. “I forgot my wallet. Go on without me, I'll meet you guys there.”

“You're such an idiot, Tyler.” Jenna shot at him, but a fond smile was on her face, her eyes crinkling by the sides.

“Yeah, but I'm your idiot.” He called after her while walking backwards and then turning around completely.

Tyler saw students pass and go and he really wasn't used to seeing this many people around him. Best of all, most of them looked lost and confused, cell phones pressed to their ears. It made him feel slightly better for when he would eventually lose his way and end up somewhere he didn't know, which in his case will probably happen on his way to the cafeteria. Honestly, where in the fuck was it? Tyler should have asked. He climbed the stairs two at a time, passing his RA in the process and practically running to his door.

“Come on, Brendon!” A boy with flaming red hair that was shaved on the sides shouted to the door next to Tyler’s. “Let me in, dude. It’s not funny anymore.”

Tyler went into his room, got his wallet from his backpack and was out the door, locking it again when he heard the boy gasping for breath next to him. He looked over and the boy had slid to the ground, his hands covering his face.

 _Oh no,_ Tyler thought. This couldn't be good, could it? This didn't look too good. Had this guy lost his key already? Did his roommate hate him?

“Um,” Tyler mentally smacked himself. “Are you okay?”

He leaned down to tap his shoulder when the boy jerked away from him, gasping for breath again. “Don't.”

Tyler felt a twinge of sympathy leap towards this guy, clearly he wasn't having a good day.

“I- I think my roommate left when I went to look around and he has my key.” He began breathing deeply again, closing his eyes. His fingers were visibly trembling and Tyler had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do.

“He’ll be back soon?” Tyler told him, wording it as more of a question than a statement.

The guy nodded and after an excruciatingly slow few minutes he took one last shuddering breath and stood up. He brushed off his jeans, before looking up and giving Tyler a shaky smile that took his breath away.

“Sorry about that. Panic attack over useless shit,” The boy explained, gesturing to the door. “This was just the icing on the cake. Thanks for trying to help.”

“No problem.” Tyler eyed him wearily; he knew he was being sincere, but Tyler knew those brown almond-shaped eyes and that smile from somewhere. He racked his brain trying to figure it out.

“Anyway, uh, sorry again. I'll just sit on the floor and wait for him. My roommate, I mean.” The boy looked at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck, maybe a nervous habit, Tyler mused.

And then it clicked.

“ _Josh_ _?_ ” Tyler asked slowly, enunciating the word slowly, every letter falling from his lips like he was beckoning a dog to come closer to him. He wouldn't believe it, he _couldn't_ believe this tattooed, red headed boy was Josh.

His head snapped up, eyes suddenly wide and aware, a cautious edge seeping into them. “How do you know my name?”

“Shit dude, it’s me, Tyler.” He saw the recognition flash in Josh’s eyes and stepped closer to him, a grin on his face. “How have you been?”

“Fine.” Josh answered curtly, sliding back to the floor and Tyler’s grin fell from his face.

This was an odd turn of events.

Tyler supposed he wanted to be left alone, probably not happy with someone he knew - knows? - seeing him have a panic attack.

“Alright then, I'll leave ya to it,” Tyler held up his hand in a wave, backing away from him and toward the stairs. “If you ever need anything, my room is next to yours.”

Tyler wasn't a complete asshole, his parents raised him right; offer help when help was needed. Tyler didn't know shit about helping people with panic attacks, but he would still offer if a person really needed it and hope to any lord above that Josh Dun of all people would never knock on his door for said help.

Tyler wasn't very far away, but he was almost positive he heard Josh scoff out a ‘ _whatever_ ’ that made Tyler’s blood boil within his veins.

 _If that’s how this reunion is going to be then fucking fine_ , Tyler thought callously, looking back at Josh before getting the fuck out of the building.

Tyler knew he deserved it, but he'd assume Josh would at least have the decency to accept the help like a normal guy, send Tyler off with another thanks.

Tyler was still brooding when he made it to the dining hall, Jenna waiting outside for him. He grabbed her outstretched hand and she led him inside to where their friends sat without a word being exchanged between the two.

“If it isn't Tyler Joseph!” Alex shouted right into his ear, clapping Tyler on the back as soon as he sat down next to him, Jenna on his other side. “Glad you could join us.”

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded and waved at the rest of them. Gerard, Frank and Jack all chorused their hello’s right after. “Did anyone get me coffee?”

“I got your back, buddy.” Jack picked up a coffee cup and handed it to Tyler who thanked him gratefully as he took the featherlight cup, but once he looked down Tyler realized the cup was empty. No coffee.

Tyler shoved the cup away from him and glared at the now laughing Jack Barakat. Alex joined in on the joke, praising Jack for such a simple, but effective prank.

“As if I'd get you coffee! I’m not your bitch, Tyler.” Jack let out one last chuckle and Tyler decided he hated them.

“Okay.” Tyler said wearily, glancing at Patrick who was silent through the encounter. The two locked eyes and Patrick raised an eyebrow. His look was the equivalent to an _are you okay_?

Tyler just shrugged.

“Anyway,” Gerard cut through the silence, smiling like a kid on Christmas. “I finally finished my art book. The comic I was working on last year?”

Jenna clapped her hands delightedly. “That’s awesome, G. When can we see it?”

“Well, I'm getting it made into an actual book.” Gerard beamed, no doubt proud of his work and Tyler was envious. He didn't really have anything he was really proud of. “As soon as I get it from the publishers and stuff, I’ll let you know.”

“That’s honestly awesome, bro.” Tyler told him, smiling at the blush that formed on Gerard's cheeks.

Alex and Jack were on their phones, laughing about something stupid and Frank was looking at Gerard with this look of such adoration, it put most couples to shame.

“Oh my god,” Jack said in awe as he stared at something behind Tyler. “That dude has the same hair colour as you!”

Gerard looked behind him and shrugged, Tyler doing the same. He narrowed his eyes when he saw it was Josh; he wanted to forget about seeing him. Tyler watched as Josh sat down next to a bunch of his friends and he didn't so much as glance at Tyler’s group once.

“ _Ugh_.” Debby groaned, placing her head in her hands. She glanced up quickly as if she felt the questioning looks pointed at her. “Sorry, I have a headache.”

Tyler saw Jenna shoot her a sympathetic look and he rolled his eyes. He wasn't usually this hostile, don't get him wrong, but he really didn't want to be here right now.

“Is that Brendon Urie?” Alex asked, looking at Jack for confirmation.

“Yeah,” Jack nodded, fixing a stray hair that had fallen into his eyes. “That guy is absolutely _wild_. I went to one of his parties once and I still don't remember what happened.”

Tyler rolled his eyes again and noticed Patrick staring at the other group with wide eyes. Tyler couldn't lie, he was pretty uninterested in what they were saying; it’s not like any of them mattered in the long run. Tyler decided to start tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table and place his other hand on Jenna’s thigh.

He was bored.

Sue him for wanting to have fun and be daring with his girlfriend.

“I’ve never heard of him.” Jenna shoved his fingers off, a glare directed at Tyler and he gave her a clueless look.

“You don't want to, he's a complete stoner,” Jack shook his head. “That whole squad probably consists of stoners, honestly.”

Jenna wrinkled her nose and shook her head. They weren't really fond of people who did drugs. Honestly, they just didn't see the point in people who _had_ to be high to hang out. If anything it was an insult.

“Hey, back off.” Patrick spoke up, making all of their eyes fall on him. “You don't know any of them. Stop judging.”

“Oh and you do?” Alex snapped, leaning forward. “I’ve never even _heard_ of you, man.”

“Hey,” Frank warned, his voice sharp and in a way, very final. “Let’s drop it.”

And they did, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. The conversation was forgotten, but Tyler still apologized to Patrick on behalf of his friends, but he didn't feel too bad. He _had_ warned him about them being assholes after all.

Tyler sat and talked with them, mostly to Gerard, Patrick, Debby and Jenna, and when the time came for them to finally get up and leave, Alex suggested they look around, try and find out where everything was and such. Tyler fought the urge to scream in frustration, he just wanted to go back to his dorm and get some well deserved sleep.

Once they were outside Debby asked him if he felt okay and he shrugged, tossing a smile her way. Not like he had anything to complain about since getting here.

Sure, he was tired, but he was still _good_.

He honestly couldn't be better.


	2. You sit there in your heartache (waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways)

Josh knew Tyler heard him by the way his shoulders tensed before he descended the stairs. Their eyes locked for a brief second before Tyler looked away, probably appalled and insulted as Josh huffs out a frustrated breath.

He didn't mean to be rude to Tyler. Sure Tyler abandoned him in high school when Josh told him one of his dirty little secrets, but Josh didn't hold grudges. He _didn't_. Although it did kind of piss Josh off that he’d even ask how he is, like he didn't know. Everyone knew. Josh was sort of a fuck up like that.

So yeah, alright, maybe Josh _did_ come off as rude, but goddamn he’d be lying if he said Tyler didn't look good.

He looked _really_ good.

Especially with the way his jeans clung to his hips and the way his tank top was a bit oversized and-

Josh needed to stop. Tyler was probably still as straight as a ruler. No point fantasizing about what you can't have; he’d learned that lesson the hard way.

Running his hand through his hair, messing up the abundance of curls there, he took his phone out of his pocket. He stared at it before cursing loudly and banging his head on the door, closing his eyes.

He had embarrassed himself in front of Tyler by having a panic attack when he could have just _called_ Brendon and told him to bring him his key.

He was such an idiot.

Tyler probably thought he was an incompetent dumbass who didn't stand a chance in college. Honestly, Josh could have gone with today never happening.

He debated calling Brendon now; the two had been friends since Josh switched high schools and they just so happened to be sharing a room, -in other words, Brendon hacked the school's system and put them together- no big deal, really. Josh knew he would rush over to give him his key and he really didn't feel like dealing with Brendon right now anyway, so he called the only other person he trusted with his life.

“Hello?” Josh’s mom grumbled on the other end of the phone call and Josh felt extremely selfish for waking her up at 11am on a Sunday.

“Hey mom, sorry for waking you…” Josh could hear how sheepish he sounded, but as soon as he spoke he could literally feel his mother wake up.

“Josh! Hey!” His mom was already excited, this couldn't end well. “You made it to school okay?”

“Yeah,” Josh laughed lightly, her concern always making him feel better, loved. “It’s really nice here, mom. You’d be surprised.”

“Well, I hope it’s nice if I'm paying-”

“Okay, calm down! I don't need another one of these money speeches.” Josh cut her off and her laughter rang into his ear.

As much as he was looking forward to this whole ‘college experience’ everyone raved about, he couldn't help but feel sad because he wouldn't see his mom as often.

Yeah he was a fucking mama’s boy. He doesn't give a single fuck.

“Alright, alright.” His mom calmed down. “Damn, I just woke up and I miss you already.”

“You know I could have stayed home and commuted.” Josh pointed out, his eyebrows raising even though his mom couldn't see him. He heard shuffling in the background, his mom probably having got out of bed now.

“No way! You’re going to-”

“Have the full on college experience, yeah, yeah,” Josh finished for her, rolling his eyes. “I know. It'll be fun, can't wait.”

“Don't be such a downer. At least you're rooming with Brendon, that brilliant hacker. How he did it, I'll never understand.” Josh chuckled at his mother’s train of thought and brought his knees up to his chest. “Are you alright, sweetheart?”

Josh took a shuddering breath and shook his head, cursing himself again. “No, not really. Remember Tyler?”

“Tyler Joseph?” She asked skeptically and when Josh finally indulged all that had happened a few minutes ago she stayed silent until he was done. “Maybe this could be a good thing. You two can build up your friendship again, you know? Don't hold a grudge like a douchebag.”

“Yeah, okay, I'll just knock on his door and say ‘hey Tyler, sorry for being a dick, but it'd be cool to hang out,’” Josh scoffed, the thought sounding ridiculous to him. “No way.”

“Why not? It’s _college_. People have changed, Joshua.”

Josh groaned and glared at his phone. Why had he told her again? He regretted that decision almost immediately and now he had to deal with the consequences. In his case, it meant his mom would bring this up probably every time they talked until Josh got his head out of his ass and spoke to Tyler.

“You know, I hardly remember my college days now that I think about it.” Josh’s mom changed the topic, probably sensing Josh’s discomfort. She kept rambling and Josh, grateful for her not pushing the topic any further, just hummed his agreement every now and then.

Honestly, he _was_ excited for college in its entirety. He was finally an adult capable of making his own decisions, he understood that. He just didn't like being on his own. He didn't have his mother to remind him to eat something or to give him his meds or to yell at him to do his stupid projects anymore.

He was entirely on his _own_.

“Alright, I'll let you go now or I'll just keep rambling. Do I need to tell you- You know what I will,” She answered her own question, spiking Josh’s curiosity. “Don't do drugs, marijuana kills your brain cells. And don't do Molly. Ecstacy. Coke. Blow. Whatever you teenagers call drugs nowadays. I know how these college parties are and your drumming is all over the place already. You're a nightmare without the extra energy boost.”

“Funny, mom.” Josh closed his eyes, but savoured the moment. She probably wanted to tell him all this last night but she had fallen asleep.

“What else, what else.” His mom muttered to herself and Josh pictured her pacing in the kitchen while waiting for her coffee to brew. “Oh! Do you have enough condoms? Did you buy any? I'm sure you'll be having-”

“Oh my God, _mom_.” Josh's eyes snapped open as he tried to stutter out a coherent response to that. “I don't even- Why are you-” He closed his mouth and sighed, not even being able to fight this. “Yeah, I have condoms. I live with Brendon, remember?”

“ _Right_.” She dragged out the word childishly and Josh groaned.

“Bye mom, love you.” He told her, ending the conversation before she asked him some other embarrassing question that made the heat creep up his neck and to his cheeks again.

“Bye, love. Call me when you can or you know, send me a text. I know how you kiddos hate talking on the phone these days.” She said and he agreed, one last set of _I love you_ ’s being exchanged before Josh was, yet again, on his own.

This was going to be a long 4 years.

* * *

 

After an hour of Josh leaning his back on the door, Josh had gotten tired of waiting for Brendon and decided to finally text him.

He asked him where he was, although he didn't phrase it like that. He was more vulgar, but at the same time it _could_ have been much worse. Brendon had left him locked out of his room; a bit of harsh commentary was needed.

Brendon: _cute. we're in the dining hall._

Josh picked himself up off the floor and typed out a _where?_ text before heading to the stairs and out into the general direction of the dining hall.

Brendon: _like, we’re sitting at the furthest table on the right_

Josh: _we’re?_

Brendon: _yeah I made friends unlike ur dumb ass_

Josh rolled his eyes, but a smile was forming on his face. He loved Brendon and appreciated him more than he knew. Brendon had met him when he was practically at his worst and he stayed with him through it, assuring him that everything would get better and would be okay along the way.

That would always mean the world to Josh no matter how many times Brendon waved it off as if it wasn't a big deal.

When he made it to the dining hall, a painfully long 10 minute walk from his dorm, he followed Brendon’s instructions and went to the table on the far right. He wasn’t surprised there was a lot of people, he assumed there would be to psych himself up and not let his anxiety get too bad. His eyes scanned the crowd and once they fell on Brendon, he smiled.

Brendon waved him over, scooting over so he could sit next to him.

“There's my favourite flaming homosexual.” Brendon gave him a side hug and Josh couldn't help the blush that masked his cheeks and the cough that sounded way too forced.

Brendon did _not_ just say that in front of his whole new group of friends.

Don't get him wrong, he's not exactly _in_ the closet, but it's also definitely not the first thing he announced to people.

“Shut the fuck up Brendon or else I'll tell your friends about The Incident.” Josh threatened and Brendon’s smile dropped, but not completely.

“You wouldn't.” Brendon countered, leaning back to get a good look at Josh.

His eyes scanned his body and in any other situation, Josh would have been uncomfortable as hell, but it's Brendon, for God’s sake. The guy had seen him naked more times than he cared to admit.

“Try me.” Josh said lowly and the people, Brendon’s new friends, began to laugh, suddenly reminding Josh of his audience.

The Incident is something that never got talked about because it was a drunken mistake between two _very_ good friends, who may also have been a little bit high and _maybe_ hooked up at a party, in front of everyone without any shame, but who remembers the details about that, anyway? Nobody, that’s who. All the photo evidence of it happening was gone now, The Incident was practically non-existent.

Except for the evidence on Josh's phone, of course.

“Right,” Brendon started, pointing to a guy with long, black flat hair. “That’s Pete. He’s still stuck in his emo phase.”

“Hey dude, fuck you.” The guy -Pete- told Brendon, but he was smiling. He was kind of scary in an intimidating way.

“Hey, I'm Josh. Nice to meet you.” Josh nodded in his direction and Brendon continued his introductions.

“This is Ryan,” He pointed to a boy with floppy brown hair and puppy dog eyes. “He’s alright.”

Josh chuckled and nodded to him too, while Ryan gave him a small smile. Josh looked down at his phone and tried to busy himself. Don't get him wrong, he wasn't antisocial or anything, but today had just started off on a bad note and he didn't want to accidentally snap at any of his new friends here. Besides, Brendon talked enough for the both of them.

“Hey,” Pete snapped a finger in front of Josh’s face and Josh jumped. He smiled apologetically just in case he’d offended him by not listening. “You okay, dude?”

Josh stopped smiling, swallowing hard. He wasn't okay; but he could pretend to be for this stranger in front of him, right? He wasn't obligated to tell him how his day was going shitty and how he just wants to curl into a ball and cry. He doesn't have to, which is why when he opened his mouth to assure Pete that he was _fine_ , Pete cut him off.

“I get it, Josh. You don't have to tell me, but I get it.”

His voice was soft and laced with concern and understanding. A lump formed in Josh’s throat and he wasn't going to cry, not in front of his and Brendon’s new friends. He wouldn't forgive himself if he embarrassed himself like that.

And then Brendon whistled, making Josh look at him sharply because what the fuck his ear was right next to him and that hurt.

“Isn’t that your ex?” Brendon pointed to the petite little blonde girl walking next to another taller blonde who was holding none other than Tyler Joseph’s hand. Another boy walked on the other side of the petite blonde and 4 others walked ahead of them making it look like they were in separate groups, but he couldn't care less. “She must have sucked if she made you g-”

“Finish that sentence and I swear to God, I'll kill you in your sleep.” Josh told him, never taking his eyes away from the group that was leaving the room. As soon as they were out of sight, his eyes narrowed at Brendon. “Yeah, that was Debby.”

Brendon shot him a lazy grin, propping his elbow on the table and resting his chin on his hand. “She wasn’t bad looking. Looked like a cute little Christian girl. Someone who always follows the rules.”

Josh shrugged in response.

Brendon wasn't far off; she was a bit religious or she was when they were together. He didn't know anything about now seeing as he’d never bothered speaking to her after their break up.

“Come to think of it,” Brendon mused, a drawl marking his words. “They all looked like some sort of religious cult. Did you see how perfect they looked? Like some sort of God’s Groupies or something.”

Pete choked on his redbull, coughing up a laugh and shaking his head. “Bro, did you just call them _God’s Groupies_?”

“Yeah.” Brendon shrugged and gave them a look like it was obvious and that _they_ were the weird ones.

Oh, Brendon's friends would have a field day getting used to the way he acted and practically said exactly what he was thinking. Josh was looking forward to it.

“That’s a bit contradictory, don't you think?” Ryan chimed in, earning a smile from Brendon that Josh knew all too well.

That was his charmer smile; either he liked Ryan after knowing him for less than an hour or he was just trying to make a point, the shit eating grin on his face a part of that.

“Only if you want it to be.” Brendon leaned in closer to Josh to whisper in his ear. “That was Tyler, wasn't it?”

A chill ran up Josh’s spine as he stiffened, his posture automatically going into defensive mode, his back snapping up straight in surprise. Why did it matter? How did Brendon even know? Josh had never introduced him to Tyler, let alone talked about him.

The stuff he’d mentioned about him had been brief and a clear don't-talk-about subject. It wasn’t as though Josh liked to advertise what went on at his old school when he transferred to Brendon’s, it’s why he left in the first place. No point reliving the past by telling useless stories that he'd much rather forget. Then again, Brendon was a hacker who could find out anything he wanted regardless and Josh often forgot about that shit.

Sometimes Josh forgets that Brendon _actually_ had a brain in that stupid head of his. It was always a shocking revelation.

Josh’s lack of an answer was enough of a answer for Brendon because he leaned away, that shit eating grin back on his face. If Josh could hate him, he would. Not realizing Josh had gotten lost in his head again, when the group stood up to leave he was left confused and trailing behind everyone.

It was more than okay, though. It wasn’t anything Josh wasn't already used to.


	3. So I heard you found somebody else (and at first I thought it was a lie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: there's a small mention of attempted suicide in this so pls read with caution if that stuff bothers you!

Tyler was exhausted.

Not only had he been up super early, but his friends hadn't let him take a nap or go back to his dorm until now. He couldn't even be annoyed because he knew Patrick -who was next to him chattering away about something or other, Tyler wasn't really paying attention- would give him this wounded, _hurt_ face and Tyler would feel terrible about it so, naturally, he just plastered on a smile as they climbed the stairs and nodded along to whatever Patrick was babbling about.

“And like, the velocity of the blast should have, you know, _killed_ everyone, but-”

Patrick was cut off by the door next to theirs opening. Tyler’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Josh’s messy curls and lazy smile as he leaned out of the doorway, trying to get a better view of Tyler instead of Patrick.

“Hey Tyler, dude,” Josh stepped forward as Patrick gave Tyler a quizzical glance, which Tyler shrugged off. He didn't know what was going on anymore than he did. “I’m sorry about being harsh earlier. You know, like, life was being really…”

Josh’s voice trailed off as he focused on a spot behind Tyler’s head.

Tyler didn't know what Josh meant. Life was being really what? He waited patiently for Josh to finish his thought, Patrick abandoning him to go inside their room. Tyler noticed how Josh was sweating slightly, giving his skin a shiny tint to it and he was still smiling, his eyes-

“Are you _high_?” Tyler asked completely dumbfounded. They hadn't even started classes yet and here Josh was doing drugs already. How would he be when the semester actually started?

Tyler’s train of thought was cut off by a loud guffaw that came from the inside of Josh’s room. Another boy bounded up behind Josh, knocking into him and making Josh stumble forward before resting his chin on Josh’s shoulder. He had dark brown hair that was sticking out in every direction and a mean smile tugging at his lips.

“The real question here is why aren't _you_ high? Too busy reading bible verses with your little church group?”

“My little... what?” Tyler’s eyebrows knit together in confusion and then the boy was chuckling uncontrollably until even Josh had to join in on his laughing.

What the fuck was going on?

Tyler wasn’t in the mood to play games right now, in fact it's the last thing on his to-do list. He was sleep deprived and pissed off and he just wanted to lie down, damn it.

“It’s okay, Tyler. I respect it.” The boy assured him, an aura of nonchalance radiating off of him and Tyler lost it.

“Respect what?” He raised his voice and then breathed deeply, closing his eyes to calm himself. “I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about and I don't care. You’re high and I’m going to bed. Bye.”

Tyler turned on his heels to walk into his room but someone grabbed his arm, pulling him back. Tyler attempted to yank his arm back and failed miserably, deciding to glare at Josh instead, the smile never leaving his face.

“Hey, don't get mad at Brendon. He’s just stupid.” Josh told him, letting go of his arm and Tyler hadn't noticed how warm his hand was until it was gone.

 _Way to be cliché,_ Tyler thinks.

Brendon lets out a string of expletives aimed at Josh, but he just shook his head fondly. “I love you Bren, but you're _so_ stupid.”

“Yeah, okay. If you say so it must be true.” Brendon agreed, giving Josh a sloppy kiss on the cheek before waving obnoxiously at Tyler. “Bye, church boy. Next time you have choir practice, _please_ invite me. I sing really well.”

And Brendon left them there, disappearing further into the room behind him. Tyler huffed out an annoyed breath and glared at Josh again.

“That’s your asshole roommate? I totally understand why you were crying earlier.” Tyler mentioned harshly, his nice act finally chipping away. He didn't care anymore, he just wanted to get into his shitty bed and get a few hours of sleep.

He regretted the words as soon as he said them, because next thing he knew, Josh’s easy going smile had fell from his face and his eyes had narrowed dangerously at him.

Really, Tyler shouldn't have cared that he hurt his feelings, because wasn't Josh the one who was scoffing at him and being a bitch just a few hours ago?

And yet Tyler still felt a small twinge of guilt build up in his chest.

He tried to ignore it.

“I wasn't crying, asshole. I was having a panic attack. There’s a difference.” Josh told him, crossing his arms.

He leaned to the side, stumbling when the doorframe wasn't there and caught himself before he fell. Huffing out a breath, he pressed his shoulder to the wall closest to him.

“I wouldn't know,” Tyler shrugged, looking anywhere but at Josh. “I don't panic over useless shit.”

Tyler used the words Josh had told him earlier on in that day, before he found out who Tyler was. Josh had bothered to be nice then, to explain himself. Tyler knew he was making assumptions that he shouldn't be making, but he couldn't stop his mouth from speaking. It’s as if he was saying these things to spite Josh and really it was a bit of a dick move. Tyler still pushed the guilty feeling away as he continued fixing Josh with a glare.

Josh had been through some shit, Tyler knew that. He knew that's why he changed schools and all, but the actual story was never told as to _why_. The rumours were everywhere when he had changed schools: ‘Oh, he tried to commit suicide’ or ‘He cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend, like who does that?’ or even the ‘He was a freak; I'd change schools too’.

Tyler knew why he’d left and maybe this was a side affect of what happened; He’d changed who he was as a person to forget who he was before.

The thought made Tyler’s eyes soften up in the slightest way, the fatigue probably getting to his head.

“Wow. You’re something else, you know that?” Josh answered after a beat, but before Tyler could even reply, Josh had turned around and went back into his room, slamming the door in the process.

Tyler sighed and ran a hand over his face before he walked into his own dorm and took off his shoes. Tossing them to the side of his bed, he dragged himself all the way to his bed, dragged the covers back and flopped down like a fish out of water. He snuggled into his covers not even bothering to change clothes at this point; he was way too tired for that.

“What was that all about?” He heard Patrick ask, but Tyler couldn't even lift his head to answer. He had gotten way too comfortable.

“If only I knew.” Tyler mumbled into his pillow, Patrick replying with something really intellectual probably, before the darkness overcame Tyler's senses.

* * *

 

Tyler glared at everyone on his way back to his room. Not only had he probably failed his quiz -honestly who gives a quiz on the damn _syllabus_?- but he’d dropped his phone and cracked the screen. His first week was going fantastic.

He walked up the stairs, his RA giving him a look that said ‘sucks to be you, dude’ and he all but stomped to his door. He knew Patrick had left the door unlocked; He had a habit of doing that when he wasn't in class and Tyler knew he only had a class at 2. It was only 1:15.

Tyler barged into his room, not a care in the world. “I can't fucking believe the audacity-”

He stopped short when he realized Patrick wasn't alone. He had a friend over, a guy with flat black hair and jeans that were way too tight. Tyler knew the struggle of wearing skinny jeans, but those must have been suffocating this guy.

He stood there, staring from the stranger to Patrick and back to the stranger.

“Hi, I'm Pete.” The guy told him passively. He hadn't even looked over at Tyler and he assumed whatever he’d been talking about with Patrick was important because he had an annoyed look on his face. Probably didn't like being interrupted mid-sentence. “I’ll go. Think about it?”

Patrick nodded his head, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes. Pete stood up, finally looking over at Tyler. His lips twitched into a smile as he brushed past him and out the door without another word. As Tyler shut the door, he could hear him knocking on the door next to his.

Tyler hasn't spoken to Josh since last week, since their encounter while Josh was high. He wasn't sure if it was a coincidence or if it was deliberate and Josh was avoiding him, but Tyler couldn't even feel offended if it was the latter; he acted like a complete dick. He shouldn't have said half the things he said, but the appropriate time period for apologies came and went ages ago.

“What was that about?” Tyler turned to Patrick at the same time he heard Pete say something about a God Groupie outside.

Maybe Tyler needed to sit down, he was clearly imagining things now.

“Nothing, really.” Patrick assured him, putting his glasses back on and blinking twice before smiling at him. “Pete’s an old friend. He’s cool.”

Tyler nodded and a comfortable silence lapsed between the two of them. Tyler’s fingers itched to play his uke and to fill the silence with the pretty sounds of it, but he stayed put on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

Twitter was being unproductive, Tyler didn't know why he still followed people from his high school when they were all such idiots. Facebook was painfully boring, Tyler didn't care about his aunt Sarah _‘going apple picking with the husband. Tell Jerry I said hi and kiss the kids for me! Xo_ ’. It was so stupid.

He threw his phone at his pillow and picked it up again. He debated texting Jenna. He wasn't sure if she was in class right now, but considering she hasn't texted him in a while it was a strong possibility. It didn't help much that his screen was cracked either.

He laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about nothing. He willed his mind to be blank and he barely noticed when Patrick left to go to class or the faint knock on the door or the way his chest rose and fell.

Sighing, he finally got up and went to his desk, picking up a blank notebook that he’d been carrying around since the summer. Tyler’d been trying to write a song; He knew how to play the uke, the bass and the piano, but he needed lyrics to go with his melodies.

Somehow though, Tyler just couldn't write one.

He could usually do anything without a problem. Give him a book to read and he'd finish it by the end of the day. Give him a chemistry test, he’d do it and ace it. Shoot 500 baskets every night to eat supper? No problem.

And yet he can't sit down for a few hours to write a good song. He’d tried, he really had and he didn't like to admit that he couldn't do it. He kept the notebook as a reminder that he hadn't given up on the song, not really, just that it hadn't come to him yet.

The inspiration would somehow come eventually.

He knew he could do it, don't get him wrong, but it's also just the fact that Tyler hadn't really done anything exciting worth writing about. Okay, he had a girlfriend. He played basketball. He got good grades. His parents were mostly proud of him and praised him half the time. What could he write out of that? Nobody loves hearing about the perfect person. They wanted to hear about the flawed people; the people who have a story to tell.

He stared at the notebook a bit longer than he'd like, trying to think of anything he could write about, but it still wasn’t coming to him. Today definitely wasn't the day he'd find inspiration, he knew that much.

Pushing his chair back, he left his room and decided to go get some air, making sure to lock the door behind him.

He climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor and looked around. Usually the doors furthest away from the rooms lead to the roof and Tyler needed to get some air away from  _everyone_. It wasn't that hard to find honestly, all he had to do was find the big bright exit sign. He climbed up a few more stairs and pushed open a white door before finding himself where he wanted to be.

He took a look around, eyes softening as he took in his surroundings. The sky was clear, not a cloud in sight and the sun was beaming down, it’s UV rays hitting Tyler's skin and to be honest, he hoped would tan a bit from this. He was naturally tan anyway, but it couldn't hurt to stay up here a few hours and think.

The roof wasn't anything special either, it looked like any other roof only flatter and more gray. Lots of bird shit and rusty pipelines, too. The thing is, Tyler also noticed a familiar head of red dyed hair and debated going back to his room as soon as he spotted him sitting there.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to face Josh yet. Of course he sort of did miss him and his witty remarks, but Tyler had been such a douche, he still couldn't believe it. Besides, he'd gone almost 2 years without him, he could survive some more, right?

He battled with himself, feeling as though there was an angel and demon on his shoulders telling him the pros and cons of this entire situation he's found himself in.

He looked at the back of Josh’s head before deciding for himself and walking towards him. Apologizing now is as good as any other time, he figured.

As he walked closer to him, he noticed the calm, somber expression on his face and the faraway look in his eyes, almost feeling bad as he approached him. He sighed and sat next to him, startling Josh out of whatever daydream he’d been having.

“Oh,” Josh started, blinking a few times before he looked away. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Tyler told him, his voice coming out hoarse. He cleared his throat and Josh looked up at him again. “Listen, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean what I said, I was tired and you caught me at a bad time.”

“Tyler, it’s fine.” Josh mumbled, running a hand through his hair and dropping it. That was way too easy.

“No, it really isn't. I was a total dick, I had no right to say any of that.” Tyler protested quickly.

He didn't know what he expected from Josh. Maybe he wanted to work Josh up so he’d kick his ass. Lord knows he deserves it.

“Yeah, you had no right to say any of that,” Josh agreed and Tyler waited for a punch that never came. “And I forgive you for it. Let’s move on and forget about it.”

“Okay.” Tyler said quietly, the silence eating him alive.

He’d stayed in silence in his room and when he came up here he was looking for silence, but with Josh here he just wanted to talk. He wanted to catch up with him and hear about all the things he’d done in the last few years, but how could he ask without being insensitive?

“How have you been?” Josh asked him, voicing the question Tyler wanted to ask so simply. Maybe Tyler was just overthinking everything.

“Uh, I've been good.” Tyler coughed, wiping his palms on his jeans. “Parents are good, too. Proud of me for making it to college.”

“Yeah, they were always telling you they couldn't wait for you to get here.” Josh chuckled, staring off in the distance like he often did when he was deep in thought.

“What about you?” Tyler asked softly and Josh looked over at him. His eyes screamed that they didn't trust him, but they softened as he leaned back on his hands.

“Okay,” Josh told him, never breaking eye contact with Tyler. “I’ve been okay.”

The way he’d said the words looked and felt so foreign to him. As if he was tasting the words on his tongue for the first time. How could Josh be alright if he was so unsure of himself?

“You sure?” Tyler pressed, taking in Josh's raised eyebrows. He was surprised and with good reason. Tyler hadn't exactly been fully welcoming since they met.

“Why do you care?” Josh’s lips formed a cruel smile, a smile that was used when one was mad or angry.

“Because,” Tyler began, stopping short. Why did he care? Was it because he felt guilty? Or because he felt obligated to? “I just do.”

“Well aren't you so kind,” Josh said without missing a beat. “You're a few years late, buddy.”

Tyler's breath caught in his throat and he felt as though he was choking. Or being suffocated. He tried to keep his expression neutral, relaxed, but he could tell the shock was written plainly on it.

“Josh, I-” Tyler breathed a sigh and squeezed his thigh to make sure he wasn't dreaming all this. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

“How could you be, Tyler?” Josh was still leaning back on his arms, the wind blowing his hair out of his eyes. “You’re the one who told me that being gay was a sin and that I was going to hell for it.”

“Josh, I’m sorry. I was young and I didn't know any better.” Tyler tried to explain desperately. He didn't think they would have _this_ conversation so early in their reunion.

“Right, because 17 years old is young.” Josh laughed bitterly and picked up a hat lying next to him that Tyler hadn't noticed. He put it on, the front of the hat facing backwards. “I didn't even _tell_ you I was gay.”

“Josh, you told me you were in love with me.”

Tyler was wrong for saying what he did, sure, but he was still going to try and defend himself for his actions instead of being stepped on.

“What a mistake that had been. Complete fucking disaster.” Josh reminisced, shaking his head as if to banish the thoughts from his mind. “Thanks for ostracizing me from everything too, that made it so much better. Might as well have baked me a cake saying ‘ _Josh, I hate your fucking guts_ ’ on it.”

“I didn't hate you. I was just scared and confused because we’d never-”

“We’d never what? kissed? Held hands? Dude, people fall in love without doing any of that all the time. Don't worry about it, I got over it real quick.” Josh assured him, although he was still tense.

“You were dating Debby at the time, though.” Tyler had realized who Debby was almost immediately after he and his group left the dining hall the first day. He didn't say anything of course, because why would he, but he remembered her.

Josh visibly flinched, his whole body shuddering with the move. “Thanks for the reminder. Man, that whole _year_ was a nightmare.”

Tyler didn't understand how he can talk about it so freely, like it was nothing. Tyler knew he’d tried to kill himself after all the events that went down. He wouldn't bring that up if he didn't have to, but the fact that he was still talking about it was unbelievably noble of Josh.

“Dude, you would not believe the rumours that spread when you changed schools.” Tyler laughed, trying to relax his muscles. It was Josh. He shouldn't be nervous around him anymore, especially if he wanted to be friends again.

“What, nobody figured out that that Josh Dun boy totally fucked that unknown dude in Tina’s bedroom when Debby walked in?” Josh said, mock surprise written clearly on his features. “I’ll be damned. My image isn't tainted after all.”

“No, your imagine is totally clean.” Tyler laughed, eyes crinkling by the sides. “How was your new school?”

“Honestly?” Josh scratched the back of his neck, then leaned forward. “Not so bad. It wasn't great per se, but I had Brendon. He made up for the shit.”

It suddenly made sense why Josh and Brendon had been so open with each other and acted like best friends. They were best friends. Tyler was suddenly curious as to how they got the same dorm room. It couldn't have been pure luck. Maybe Brendon knew someone high up on the school's authority list and managed to get them to room together.

Tyler’s phone began vibrating in his pocket and when he pulled it out, a picture of him and Jenna flashed on the screen. He stared at it for a second before denying the call.

“You and Jenna are finally a thing, huh? About time.” Josh grinned and Tyler didn't know if he was truly joking or faking it. Josh had never liked Jenna, even back then. He’d told Tyler she looked too preppy for him, too enthusiastic.

“Yeah.” Tyler said sheepishly, a blush surely creeping on his cheeks. “She’s really great, Josh. Like, nicest person you could ever meet.”

Josh nodded, a sincere look on his face. “How long have you been together?”

Tyler thought about it. “About a year, I’d say.”

Josh and Tyler sat in silence, looking each other over. God, Tyler realized how much Josh had changed. He’d gotten more built, no doubt the result of always taking his frustrations out on the drums. He was more defensive, back when they were friends in high school Josh always had a friendly smile on his face only now it was replaced with a scowl.

They’d both grown up.

“It doesn't bother me anymore, you know.” Tyler said quietly and when he and Josh locked eyes he feared Josh hadn't heard him or misinterpreted his words.

“What?” Josh’s voice was confused. He genuinely didn't understand what Tyler had said and Tyler relaxed.

“The fact that you're gay. It doesn't bother me anymore.” Tyler repeated, clarifying what he meant. He hoped that Josh would understand that who Tyler was back then isn't who he is now.

Josh nodded again, a simple “thanks” falling from his lips before he smiled at Tyler, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

They kept talking about random things, like if Josh was still drumming and if Tyler still hated basketball, but played it to keep his parents happy. If Tyler still played his uke. If either of them learned to play any other instruments (Josh played the trumpet, what the fuck?).They talked about how their classes have been and how all their professors are horrible, except for the two who weren't. They talked about family and friends. They mostly reminisced old times, though.

When the door leading up to the roof burst open with someone shouting ‘Josh’ at the top of their lungs, both their heads snapped toward the noise. They probably both gave themselves whiplash.

“This is like the time I came with your family to Jersey,” Josh tried to stifle his laugh by pressing his face into his shoulder. “And your grandma was yelling at you for skateboarding and scraping your knee.”

“So we took our skateboards to the roof and practically fell off to prove a point that we were both invincible.” Tyler remembered, the two of them practically cracking up now.

“You had broke your arm and I had cracked, like, 3 ribs!” Josh said between giggles and when Brendon reached them, Josh wiped his eyes.

“Josh?” Brendon asked, as if he wasn't believing his eyes. Tyler sobered up at that.

Had Josh hardly smiled since he last knew him? Why was Brendon so shocked?

“Hey Bren,” Josh let out another chuckle, pointing to Tyler. “This is Tyler.”

Brendon looked at Tyler, although ‘looked’ was probably the wrong word. Brendon was analyzing him, his eyes sharp and full of judgement. Tyler felt like a circus freak under Brendon’s gaze and he really felt the urge to shrink back from him, but held his head up high, like nothing was bothering him.

If Josh had ever told him what Tyler did, then Tyler couldn't really blame Brendon for being skeptical of him.

Finally, he stuck out his hand. “I'm Brendon, but you already know that.”

Tyler shook his hand and nodded. “Yeah, we met last week-”

“I met a lot of people last week, be more specific.” Brendon let go of his hand and glanced at Josh who was looking at the ground, smiling like a little kid on Christmas day.

“I live next door to you.” Tyler explained to him as patiently as he could. Brendon was all over the place.

“Ah yes, I remember, what a bad first impression,” Brendon tuts, placing a clenched fist to his chest. “From the bottom of my heart, _my bad_.”

“It’s fine, man.”

“Cool.” Brendon turned to Josh and shoved his shoulder. “Dinner?”

“You paying?” Josh taunted, shoving him back although there was no malice in the hit because he was smiling so wide. Beaming almost.

“It’s a date, don't be late.” Brendon sang, turning on his heels and running back to the door and off the roof before Josh could argue.

Tyler was grinning. He’d been smiling an awful lot since he’d come up here to clear his head. He guessed it was just the Josh Effect. Josh had this certain vibe to him that always made Tyler happy.

“I really missed you, Jishwa.”


	4. Incapable of making alright decisions (and having bad ideas)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of attempted suicide

Josh couldn't stop smiling.

Once he and Tyler separated, Josh wanted to scream. And cry. Mostly for the fact that they'd talked about what happened and Tyler didn't hate him anymore. Josh had been so worried he’d always hate him and now he didn't have to be afraid of that anymore.

Tyler had even given him his number!

 _Okay calm down, Joshua. He’s your_ _friend,_ Josh had to remind himself. He couldn't let the same thing happen again.

He _wouldn't_ let it happen again.

When he left his room after grabbing his wallet and car keys, he walked to the stairs and went to the parking lot. Brendon was leaning on his car, a cigarette between his index and middle fingers. He raised it to his lips taking a puff before he saw Josh. Josh couldn't help but notice the way Brendon’s eyes lit up and Josh tossed him his keys.

“I hope you weren't expecting a gourmet meal,” Brendon warned, tossing away his half smoked cigarette. “I can't afford a 5 star restaurant.”

“That’s fine,” Josh shrugged, getting in the passenger seat while Brendon got in the driver's seat. “Buy me Taco Bell and you'll have my eternal gratitude.”

“Your wish is my command, Joshua.” Brendon said in a British accent, as if Josh were some sort of royalty.

“Shut up, Brendon.” Josh laughed, turning up the radio. The new Justin Bieber song was playing and the two of them sang their lungs out.

The good thing about sing alongs with Brendon were that they passed the time. The two of them were so comfortable with each other that they didn't care about how shitty their voices were. Brendon always sounded great though, he had been in theatre in high school. Josh was pretty sure he was majoring in some sort of drama thing. They’d talked about this while high, Josh knew they had.

When they pulled up to the Taco Bell parking lot Josh was sure all was right in the world. Nothing could ruin his day. He grinned at Brendon before shoving his door open and practically running inside.

“Calm down.” Brendon practically ran after him, putting Josh’s car keys in his pocket.

“Don’t lose those.” Josh told him sweetly as they waited their turn in line. Brendon rolled his eyes and punched Josh’s arm. When they were next in line, Brendon turned back to him.

“I think I'm going to get what you usually order.”

“Do it.” Josh walked up to the counter. “Hey, I'll have a crunch wrap with supreme fries.”

“I'll have the same.” Brendon told the cashier who nodded and asked if it was on the same or separate bills. Brendon told her he was paying and Josh loved him.

When they got their food, they sat in a booth far away from the other people because they liked to keep their conversations between the two of them without eavesdroppers. They’d had too many moments where people listened to them talk and it always ended awkwardly between Josh stuttering an excuse and Brendon cussing them out for listening to them in the first place.

“So,” Brendon said after they’d taken a few bites of their food. “You and Tyler good now?”

Josh looked at Brendon as he stuck a fry in his mouth and raised his eyebrows at him. Brendon wanted to know the story. Josh knew this because he knew Brendon. Did Josh really care about Brendon knowing at this point? He’d already seen him at his worst. He just didn't know the story behind _why_ he’d been that way. Brendon knew he was gay; what was the worst that he could say?

“Yeah, I guess so.” Josh shrugged and took a sip of his Coke.

“I thought you two hated each other.” Brendon was going for nonchalance, but Josh heard the edge in his voice.

Brendon had always been protective of Josh, from the moment he found Josh crying by himself in an alleyway to now.

“We did,” Josh nodded, setting his drink down. “We talked it over.”

Josh's heartbeat had began to beat unusually fast, but it wasn't the feeling as if he would have a panic attack like when he was with Tyler; this was more of a unsure, nervous feeling that was consuming him. He couldn't lose Brendon.

“I used to be in love with him,” Josh told Brendon slowly, eyes never meeting his. “I told him and he rejected me.”

“That fucking piece of-” Brendon cut himself off when Josh looked up at him sharply. “Sorry. I didn't expect that.”

“Yeah, no one ever did apparently.” Josh sighed, taking another bite of his crunch wrap. He chewed and swallowed before continuing. “I cheated on Debby.”

“Josh,” Brendon’s voice was so soft and it killed Josh. He didn't want sympathy. This was all in the past, Josh was _better_ now. “With Tyler?”

“Oh, _God no,_ ” Josh laughed, his cheeks turning pink. “I wish. Tyler is the straightest person you'll ever meet. It was with some random guy at a party.”

“Oh,” Brendon had finished his wrap and was eating pieces of his fries slowly, considering all the information Josh was telling him. Trusting him with. “That sucks. Does Tyler know how great you are in the sack?”

“Brendon!” Josh coughed uncontrollably, grabbing his Coke and attempting to swallow it without dying.

“It’s true!” Brendon defended, pointing at him knowingly. “I've seen it. I've _experienced_ it.”

“Oh my God,” Josh put his head in his hands, shaking it. “You’re unreal.”

“Nah, I just appreciate the little things. Or big things in this case.” Brendon grinned, his voice matter-of-fact. Josh sort of wanted to die. He wasn't sure if it was of embarrassment or happiness that Brendon was his friend or maybe both. Probably both.

“No, Tyler has never seen my dick.” Josh answered Brendon’s question. “He’s totally Christian, dude. He told me I'd go to hell because I was gay.”

Josh let it slip accidentally. He wasn't supposed to say that part to Brendon, ever. All the joking left Brendon’s face and the blood drained from Josh’s. Brendon was about to use the scary-calm facade that made Josh want to cry. Brendon was scary when he wanted to be.

“He said _what_?” He all but growled and Josh shrank back in his seat.

“He apologized!” Josh told him quickly, stumbling on his words. “We talked about it. It doesn't bother him anymore.”

Brendon’s face was red, surely from anger and his knuckles that were gripping the side of the table were white. He didn't say anything. Not a word. For a while. Josh didn't know what to do, he’d seen Brendon like this and it always freaked him out how calm his voice could sound when he was so angry. He didn't want to say anything that would make Brendon lash out at him either.

“He apologized?” Brendon asked him, his eyes meeting Josh’s. They were so determined to know the truth and Josh was relieved that he wouldn't have to lie about this; Brendon would know if he did. He nodded. “He’s a lucky son of a bitch.”

“Brendon-”

“No, who the fuck did this kid think he was?” Brendon spit out, glaring outside the window they were sitting near. “Did he know how much he fucked you up? Probably not. He abandoned you, that fucking coward.”

“Brendon please,” Josh whispered and Brendon shut his mouth. “It’s done and over with. Please, drop it.”

“Fine,” Brendon sighed, his face clearing of the anger and Josh knew it was an act. “I know you hate when people pity you, Josh. This is far from pity. This is anger for all you've had to go through. You didn't deserve it, but okay. I'll drop it.”

“Don't be like this, Brendon.” Josh begged, this was everything he was afraid of; Brendon would realize how useless Josh was and he’d leave him like everyone else.

“No, no. You want me to drop it, fine, but _you_ should be smarter than this, Josh. You know how you are.” Brendon said, his glare directed right at Josh now and suddenly Josh wasn't afraid anymore. He was angry.

“What the fuck does that mean? Please, explain to me how I am, Brendon. Enlighten me.” Josh’s voice had dropped an octave and the glare off the two of them were having surely wouldn't end in a hug any time soon.

“You fucking cling to people to make yourself feel whole! You can't fucking be-” Brendon stopped, his eyes going wide realizing what he just said. He looked at Josh, shame and regret all over his face.

“Is that what you think I do with you, Brendon? Cling to you to feel whole?” Josh asked quietly.

He didn't want to admit the way his heart broke and he knew that this was all a misunderstanding, but people spoke the truth when they were angry. Or was it the opposite? Josh couldn't think straight.

“No. Fuck, Josh,” Brendon reached for Josh’s hand and Josh pulled it away from him. “No, God, I didn't mean it like that.”

“Whatever, dude. I’m fucking done with this.” Josh got up, his half eaten Taco Bell forgotten as he began walking away. “You’re just jealous because I finally have my Tyler back and he’s a friend I made _without your help_.”

“ _Your_ Tyler? What the fuck?” Brendon called over to him. He was trailing behind, probably on purpose. Brendon loved causing a scene.

“Fuck you! You know I don't mean it like that.” Josh’s face was burning with anger. He made it out of the store before turning sharply to Brendon, his hand held out.

“You’re not going to leave me stranded here, are you?” Brendon handed Josh his car keys and Josh just clenched his fists, the fist that had his keys digging into his skin and kept walking.

“I will if you don't shut up.” Josh threatened, opening the driver’s door and getting in. He placed the key in the ignition and waited for Brendon to buckle his seatbelt before driving away from Taco Bell.

“I just don't want you to be hung up on some fuckboy, okay?” Brendon said quietly, his voice soft and full of concern again. Josh was tempted to tell him to get the fuck out. He didn't.

They both sat in silence as Josh drove them back to campus and Josh knew Brendon was having a hard time keeping quiet. He was naturally a loud person, staying quiet took a lot of effort on his part.

“Uh, Ryan wanted to come smoke with us in our room, if that’s okay with you?” Brendon asked, shifting in his seat.

“Whatever.”

* * *

 

Josh thought smoking would be a good idea. He thought, fuck, today has gone from great to shit in the span of a few hours and I need to get really fucking baked to make up for it. That mentality never works out for Josh.

Ryan was waiting for them when they got back up to their room, which was fine, Josh didn't care. Brendon could fuck with whoever he wanted, but when he was the third wheel, it was pretty shitty. He didn't care that they kept touching each other, running their fingers up and down each others’ arms. He didn't care that they were kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other. But once the moaning started happening, Josh took that as his cue to leave.

After taking one last hit and politely declining Brendon’s invitation at a 3-way makeout session, Josh excused himself and left the room. He heard Brendon shout an _I love you_ and Josh said it back to him without hesitation.

That didn't fix things, no, it was just a way of them saying goodbye and not to die. Nothing gay about two dudes saying they love each other even when they were supposed to be angry at one another.

Josh giggled at his thoughts as he stepped in front of Tyler’s door. He tilted his head and lifted a hand to knock on the door. There was a good chance Tyler wasn't even here; he probably had a much more interesting life than Josh. He probably didn't fight with his friends about being friends with Josh. He knocked on the door and waited a second before turning and beginning to walk away when he heard Tyler shout to _wait a sec_.

Tyler threw open the door, slightly out of breath and looking up at Josh with his eyes wide and so innocent. Josh felt the overwhelming urge to touch Tyler’s face and he cleared his throat, smiling.

“Hi,” Josh waved making Tyler smile. He probably realized he was high. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Tyler opened his door and stretched his arm forward in a ‘after you’ gesture. Josh walked in and sat on a bed. He didn't know if it was Tyler's or his roommates and he didn't really care.

He stared at Tyler, really focusing on him. Tyler was biting his lip and playing with his hair as if he was styling it. Josh wanted to tell him he looked fine, but he was frozen. Tyler didn't look fine, he looked fucking perfect. Tyler’s black jeans clung to his skin and the black shirt he wore with it made him look even more intimidating.

Then Josh zeroed in on Tyler’s right bicep; the x tattoo showing fully. Josh absentmindedly dragged his fingers behind his right ear and he was pretty sure Tyler noticed, but he stayed quiet.

“The tattoo.” Josh wasn't aware he’d said anything until Tyler nodded, looking down at his arm.

“It _is_ permanent.” Tyler looked back up at Josh who was beaming up at him. He reached over to touch it, he needed to feel it.

Tyler looked at him as he traced his fingers over the x in awe and wow, what could be better than reuniting with your best friend after a huge fallout?

Josh looked up at Tyler’s face, not letting go of his arm.

“You’re so beautiful.” Josh heard himself say and his cheeks flushed as he smiled. At least he wasn't lying.

“Okay.” Tyler pulled his arm out of Josh’s grip and Josh’s hand fell back on the bed.

Tyler wasn't smiling. In fact, he wasn't even looking at Josh. He was looking at the walls, now covered in posters of bands and pictures of friends. The air around them became thick with tension, but it disappeared as soon as Josh felt it.

Josh rubbed the back of his ear again and looked at a specific picture on Tyler’s wall. It was of two kids, one of them with their arms tightly wound around the other as the other tried to shove him away. The two of them were grinning stupidly wide.

“Maybe this is why Brendon is worried. I mean, he’s seen you. He knows how pretty you are, Ty. You’re pretty and funny and I just missed you a lot.” Josh began saying whatever thoughts came to mind, his eyes focused on the picture. “But it’s not fair, because Brendon is mad at me. He can't be mad at me, he doesn't understand. He thinks I'm stupid and that I'll get hurt again.”

Josh looked away from the picture and up at Tyler who was still standing.

“He thinks that you'll hurt me. Don’t worry, I _am_ over it, but I mean, Brendon doesn't know everything. He knew some parts and I finally told him a bit more, but- but not the whole story.” Josh looked down at his hands that rested on his lap. “I didn't tell him that your words haunted me so much that I tried to kill myself. Like, if he knew about _that_ part then I’d understand why he’d be worried, but I didn’t tell him about that, Tyler.”

Josh blinked up at Tyler, tilting his head to the side, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I don't think you'd be alive if Brendon knew that part.”

Josh saw Tyler’s face switch between  emotions so fast. Regret, sadness, pain. Josh wasn't sure if he was seeing all of this right. He was high, he was probably imagining all of it to make himself feel better and he thanked his brain because it made him smile. At least he could pretend that Tyler still cared about him.

Then he was being tugged forward into strong arms. Arms he'd been wishing to have around him since he laid his eyes on this boy and he couldn't breathe. Tyler’s arms wrapped around Josh’s neck tightly, locking him in the embrace and Josh melted into him. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s waist, nuzzling his face on his chest and God, he couldn't stop smiling.

He didn't understand what the hell was happening, but he wasn't complaining, not when his senses were filled with _Tyler_.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Tyler kept whispering into Josh’s ear and Josh wanted to ask him what for, he had nothing to be sorry about. He didn't say anything though, his mind was fuzzy and now Tyler was hugging him and he didn't want to open his mouth and say something stupid to ruin this moment.

Then a knock sounded at the door, startling Tyler out of his grip. Josh frowned in the direction of the door, running a hand through his messy hair. He didn't want that hug to end, who knew when Tyler would initiate a hug with him again?

“Fuck. Fuck, it’s Jenna.” Tyler cursed, pulling at the ends of his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry Josh, we made plans and I forgot. You came in and it was more impor- It made me forget.”

Josh nodded. Had Tyler been about to say it was more important or was Josh making up excuses for himself again? He wanted to scream, to tell Jenna to leave, but all he did was stand up and walk towards the door.

“Josh,” Tyler tugged on his arm before he pulled the door open, another knock making Tyler’s eyes narrow. “See you soon?”

Josh managed a smile and a nod as he swung open the door, a familiar blonde with blue eyes looking up at him.

“You’re not Tyler.” She said, trying to look past him and into the room for her boyfriend.

“No, unfortunately not.” He sighed in mock sadness, before gesturing between her and the door. “Can you move? I have places to be. Like, places better than here.”

“Oh, sorry.” She stepped aside and Josh shoved passed her and into the hall, the room suddenly becoming too crowded and hot and fuck, Josh needed some air.

He didn't even hear Tyler shout his name.

* * *

 

Josh decided to wander around campus instead of going back to his room. He was pretty sure Brendon was getting blown or blowing Ryan and he didn't want to walk in on that kind of intimate experience. Brendon would probably ask him to stay and that he didn't mind, the kinky little shit.

Josh sat down on a bench and stared at the sky. It was pitch black, minus the few specks of bright circled stars. He didn't know how long he’d been sitting there, but his ass was starting to go numb and not for the reasons he hoped for. When was the last time he got laid?

“Hey!” A voice shouted and he looked down away from the sky hoping to see a fight break out or something. That would have been great; it would have distracted him from the shitfest that was his life. He didn't realize the person was talking to him until they were standing in front of him. “You're like, the only person out here looking miserable.”

“I am.” Josh muttered, looking back up at the sky.

“Why?”

Josh looked over to whoever this person was. He had bright red hair, brighter than his, and full pink lips that showed even in the darkness of the night. Josh liked the way this guy had an accent. What the fuck was someone from outside the States doing in a college in Ohio of all places? Josh’s smile widened and he wondered how that accent would sound like when mystery boy moaned.

“Because my life is a mess.”

“That sucks, but it could get better.” The guy told him and sat next to him. He was taller than Josh and Josh’s eyes fell from his eyes to his lips. The high was going away now, but this guy wasn’t ugly. He didn't know if he was gay or bi or even into guys, but he would try his chances.

“I guess so. I met you, didn't I?” Josh retorted, trying to use his charm on him.

It must have worked because next thing he knew they were kissing and he didn't know how that had happened. He didn't even remember the conversation that led up to this. All he could think about was how Tyler hugged him, but he had to forget about that, he had to lose himself for the night. He continued kissing him, pulling and licking at this guy's lips before the guy pulled away.

“My name is Michael, by the way.” The guy told him and kissed him again, their teeth coming into contact before Michael’s tongue slipped into Josh’s mouth.

“Josh.” Josh told him when they pulled away again and Josh got up, pulling Michael in the direction of his room. Michael laughed, noticing how Josh was eager for this, almost as if he’d been starved from sex when really it had only been, what? A month? Josh didn't know, but he needed to get fucked.

He needed to forget about Tyler.


	5. Dreams aren't what they used to be (some things sat by so carelessly)

The slight chill in the air had made Tyler and Jenna’s ice cream date bearable. Summer was coming to an end and they needed to get their ice cream fixes now before it was too cold to do so. Although nothing really stops Tyler from eating ice cream in the winter either. The point being, the summer heat was going away slowly but surely and the temperature was beginning to drop, making the nights colder and colder. The days were still hot enough, at least.

Once they ate their DQ, which was a good half hour walk away, -Jenna spent most of it asking who Josh was and why he was in Tyler’s room- they decided to go back to Tyler’s room and makeout. They hadn't really had any alone time in a while and since Patrick wasn't home, Tyler’s room was the best bet for the situation.

Jenna had her thighs on either side of Tyler’s hips and she kissed him slowly, tongue gliding over his bottom lip so softly Tyler had to moan. His hands that were gripping her hips and stopping her from grinding down on him began wondering up her shirt and when he tried to pull it off, Jenna shut it down.

“Not tonight, Tyler.” Jenna checked the time on her phone and got off him. She fixed her hair using the front facing camera on her phone.

“Why not, baby?” Tyler whined, missing the heat of her body on his already. This was the _perfect_ time for this. When’s the next time Tyler would get the room to himself? Probably never.

“I told you I need to go back to my room and study. I have a test tomorrow.” Jenna reminded him, walking towards to doors. She slipped on her generic adidas superstars and turned around to face Tyler who backed her against the door.

“Is there any way I could change your mind?” Tyler asked in a low voice that he hoped sounded sexy enough to abandon studying. By the look on Jenna’s face, he was sure it didn't work.

“Nice try,” She leaned up and kissed him sweetly, biting his lip teasingly as she pulled away. “Maybe next time, babe.”

“Fine, but if I die due to low levels of sexual stimulation it'll all be your fault.” Tyler pouted, removing his hands from the door.

“You can't die from that, Tyler.” She assured him, patting his arm and opening the door. She stepped out, Tyler following her.

“We’ll see.” He slammed into Jenna’s stopped figure, an ‘ _oof_ ’ sound leaving his lips. “What the hell?”

He followed her gaze, only to find Josh and some other redheaded dude going at it on Josh’s door. The guy tugged onto Josh’s hair and Josh let out the smallest moan, melting further into the kiss. They pulled away and Josh began trailing kisses down the guy's jaw going lower and lower until he was biting and sucking bruises onto his neck.

Tyler couldn't tear his eyes away and as much as he hated to admit it, he felt something build up in his chest that felt an awful lot like jealousy. Why would Tyler be jealous of this though? He didn't even like guys! He _didn't_ notice how Josh’s smile lit up his eyes, or the way Josh’s muscles were shifting as he brought a hand up to caress this strangers face or how Josh’s lips were red and swollen. Tyler’s gaze wandered down Josh’s body, his breath hitching when he noticed his shirt riding up and exposing his v-lines.

When he finally managed to tear his gaze away from Josh to look over at Jenna, her face was literally a painted mask of disgust. Tyler couldn't handle this anymore.

“Josh?” He asked slowly, not even an ounce of guilt at interrupting their makeout session.

“Excuse me, we’re kind of in the middle of something if you don't mind.” The other guy replied without so much as giving Tyler a glance and Tyler felt the possessiveness take over his thoughts before he realized what he was doing.

“I do mind.” Tyler told him, an aggressive edge slipping into his voice, getting the guys attention. The redhead pulled away from Josh, who was looking at Tyler in awe, and crossed his arms, finally sizing Tyler up.

“I’m sorry, who are you again? Because Josh never mentioned having an overprotective boyfriend.” The guys skin was flushed and he was grinning like the Cheshire Cat, trying to get under Tyler’s skin.

Tyler heard Jenna scoff as she turned and began walking away, completely disgusted with the situation. Tyler could basically feel her judging Josh. He didn't care.

“I’m his best friend, thanks.” Tyler crossed his own arms, unimpressed.

“Aw, don't be jealous. I'll be happy to share him with you if he wants.” The guy cooed and Tyler couldn't help but glance at Josh.

Josh who was leaning into his door with his perfect red curls messed up and his skin flushed. Josh whose lips were so, so red and swollen from kissing and who was just letting out small moans a minute ago because of this random guy when it should have been Tyler making him feel this way.

Tyler's eyes widened as soon as the thought crossed his mind. He wasn't gay, he didn't know where that came from. What the fuck, he had to get control of the situation before he lost his damn mind.

He walked closer to the two of them.

“Get lost.” Tyler growled, pushing the guy away from Josh. He didn't care that he’d ruined Josh’s chance at getting laid, he just wanted this guy _gone_.

The redheaded asshole had the audacity to laugh in Tyler’s face. He was so lucky Tyler had some sort of self control or else he would have knocked him out.

“Call me!” He tells Josh, blowing him a kiss before walking away, chuckles still leaving his lips.

Tyler realized he was breathing heavy and sighed deeply. No point getting mad now, the guy was gone, but Tyler was amazed at the douchebags Josh seemed to like and befriend. He looked at Josh, who stared at him, eyes wide like a lost puppy.

“Are you okay?” Tyler asked, knocking on Brendon’s door hoping he’d come and answer it.

Of course Tyler had no luck with that.

He didn't even know if Josh’s dumbass roommate was even home.

“I’m fine.” Josh reassured him quickly, his eyes still wide as if he couldn't believe what just happened.

 _Tyler_ couldn't believe what just happened. Since when did he get jealous over such petty shit? He sighed and motioned for Josh to follow him into his room.

“Patrick isn't here and he probably won't be until later, so you can sleep on his bed for now.” Tyler told him, taking off his shoes and tossing them near the entryway, not missing Josh’s confused nod in the process.

Tyler grabbed a pair of sweatpants from his closet and quickly changed into them, putting his jeans in his hamper. He took off his shirt too, before kneeling on his bed and plugging his phone in to charge.

“I’m not staring at your ass, I promise.” Josh told him, earning a startled laugh from Tyler. “I mean, a lot of people think I'm, like, a sex panther because I'm gay and dudes are always- You know what I'm just going to shut up now.”

Tyler went to get under his covers when he noticed Josh was just sitting up on his friends bed, lost and confused. _Now_ Tyler felt a bit guilty.

“Josh, you can get ready for bed you know.”

Josh jerks and blinks at Tyler before nodding and stuttering out an _oh yeah_. Tyler watched him as he took off his shoes, neatly placing them at the side of Patrick’s bed before getting up. He noticed Josh’s Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed when he took off his jeans and shirt, turning around to face Tyler as he folded them and placed them next to his shoes. Tyler’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of Josh’s body. His skin was tanned and his abs and muscles looked amazing and when the fuck did Tyler become so hyperaware of this stuff?

“Are you sure it’s okay if I stay here?” Josh asked as he crawled under Patrick's covers and got comfortable.

“Yeah,” Tyler breathed out, reaching over and turning off his light and turned to face his wall. He swallowed hard, trying to erase the image of Josh’s body from his mind. “Goodnight, Josh.”

“'Night, Tyler.”

* * *

 

Tyler was shaken awake a few hours later. He jolted upright, an embarrassing yelp leaving his lips before he blinked up at whoever shook him. Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness he saw Patrick's face inches from his own, giving him a confused look.

“What the fuck?” Tyler groaned sleepily wanting to go back to bed. He squinted at the digital clock on Patrick’s desk. 3:27am.

“Um, I should be saying that to you.” Patrick pointed out. “Why’s a cute boy in my bed? I mean, I usually wouldn't mind, but I don't know him.”

“What?”

“Cute boy. My bed. Why? Is he a friend of yours?” Patrick asked slowly, trying to get the words to register is Tyler’s head.

“You’re into... guys?” Tyler’s sleepy mind couldn't word it any better and he honestly could punch himself.

“Well, I don't like to put labels on myself, but yeah.” Patrick gave Tyler a soft smile, standing up straighter and looking towards his bed.

“Cool,” Tyler nodded towards Patrick’s bed. “He’s my friend. Sorry.”

Tyler got out of his bed, rubbing his eyes quickly as he walked over to Josh. Josh looked so peaceful, his face void of any of the reluctance it usually showed. He hesitated before waking him up, not wanting to disturb him when he looked like this. Then he remembered Patrick was waiting to sleep too and he lifted his hand and brought it to Josh’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Tyler gently shook him. “Josh, wake up.”

“No.” Josh mumbled, shaking Tyler’s hand off.

“Josh,” Tyler grabbed his shoulder again. “You gotta switch beds.”

“Name s’not Josh, it's spooky Jim.”

Tyler sighed, shooting Patrick an apologetic look and he just smiled at him. Patrick had the patience of a saint. Tyler returned his attention to the sleeping boy in front of him, wondering how on earth he could be such a cute sleeper. Tyler was sure he looked like a gremlin while he slept but Josh had the face of an angel.

Tyler sighed again, grabbing Josh’s arm and pulling him up. Tyler didn't want to man handle Josh, but Patrick was waiting and Tyler felt bad about it. He guided Josh’s arm around his neck and all but dragged him to his own bed, even though Josh was wide awake now.

“You could have just asked,” Josh grumbled, pulling Tyler's covers back. He looked at Patrick. “Sorry about that.”

“No problem.” Patrick told him at the same time Tyler threw up his hands and said “I did!”

Patrick got into his bed and Tyler looked at his own wearily. He and Josh would have to share the single bed. How the hell would they manage that when Josh was as muscular as he was?

“Stop thinking and get in the bed, Tyler.” Josh laid down and cuddled the blankets closer to him and it was so unbelievably cute Tyler had to smile.

“Sorry,” Tyler said climbing into the other side of the bed. It was definitely a bit cramped, but Tyler couldn't complain. “It’s just really small.”

“Uh huh.” Josh agreed, facing away from Tyler and in the direction of Patrick.

Tyler laid awake for a while staring at his dull wall, Patrick’s soft snores filling the room. He couldn't sleep. Not when he was so aware of Josh beside him. He could practically feel Josh’s body heat radiating toward him. Josh stirred and Tyler stilled, holding his breath.

“I can leave.” Josh whispered and Tyler turned to face him, the other boy doing the same.

“I don't want you to.” Tyler whispered back staring into Josh’s eyes, trying to convince him that he meant it.

“Okay.” Josh closed his eyes and Tyler followed suit.

He felt Josh’s breath on his face and soon enough the steady rhythm of it and Tyler’s frantic heartbeat finally helped him fall asleep.

* * *

 

Tyler was walking toward his door when someone grabbed his arm. Tyler was about to turn around and face whoever it was, but he was beat at doing so, being pushed up against the wall, his body trapped with another and a flash of red catching his eye.

“Baby boy, you think I didn't notice how jealous you were last night?” Josh grinned, leaning down and kissing Tyler’s neck. Tyler closed his eyes and shuddered, goosebumps rising on his skin.

Josh’s hand went up to Tyler’s waist, lifting his shirt up slightly to touch the burning skin there. Tyler was positive his flesh was made of fire at this point. He was burning with desire and it was as though Josh could see right through him. Josh licked a stripe up Tyler’s neck and Tyler found himself moaning Josh’s name at the intimacy. Josh kissed his jaw, a smirk marking his lips while he continued to map his way toward Tyler’s lips.

Tyler was panting at this point and he was hard as fuck. It didn't help that he was wearing the tightest pants imaginable either.

“Do you _want_ me to kiss you?” Josh kissed the corner of Tyler’s mouth and Tyler looked at Josh sharply before nodding. “ _Say it_.”

“I want you to kiss me.” Tyler told him, a whine finding its way into his voice. Tyler wanted to feel his soft red lips on his already. He had never been a fan of being teased.

Josh’s smile widened and he pressed his lips to Tyler’s, a content sigh slipping through them. Tyler kissed Josh back, surprisingly slow and passionate instead of fiery and with a fervor he knew was running through his veins. Josh’s hand went and squeezed Tyler’s ass, making Tyler gasp into the kiss and Josh took it upon himself to slip his tongue into Tyler’s mouth.

Tyler groaned, raising his arms around Josh’s neck, one hand finding it’s way into Josh’s hair and tugging. The vibration of Josh’s moan against his lips made Tyler’s hips shift forward, grinding them into Josh’s, earning him a sharp inhale of breath from Josh. He pulled away panting, but kissed a line down Josh’s neck before going back up to his ear.

“Do you fuck as good as you kiss?” Tyler asked, biting Josh’s earlobe, pushing his hips against Josh’s again and grinning when Josh moaned.

“I can always show you.”

Tyler pulled away, letting Josh grab his hand and lead him toward his bedroom and-

An alarm blared, startling Tyler out of his dream. Tyler glanced over next to him, noticing a groggy Josh and he felt sick to his stomach.

His face was flushed he was sure of it and he felt his morning wood through his covers and he wanted to fall into a hole and die.

“Sorry, I have class.” Patrick apologized, shutting off his alarm and getting ready. He put on his jeans and some white v-neck shirt, pairing it up with his fedora and a pair of vans. He was out the door before Tyler knew it, but Tyler was lost in his thoughts anyway.

Tyler didn't know where the dream came from, he didn't understand it either. Why had he dreamt about something so...unlike him? He felt sick and he needed to get rid of his fucking hard on, but he couldn't because Josh was still here of course. Tyler cursed himself for being so nice and offering to let him stay. This wouldn't have happened if he hadn't shared a bed with Josh, Tyler tried to convince himself.

That’s not what haunted Tyler the most. What haunted him is the fact that he didn't push Josh away from him in his dream. He actively took part of what was going on and he _liked_ it.

Tyler swallowed hard, glancing back at Josh who was getting dressed in yesterday’s clothes without a care in the world. Josh’s eyes were laced with drowsiness and Tyler was grateful. He got up, quickly turning his back to cover his situation and walked to his closet, taking out a pair of jeans and tugging them on quickly. Tyler did the undertuck thing guys did when they got turned on in class, like he was a fucking teenager who couldn't control his hormones again and put on the biggest shirt he owned. Turns out it was a navy one that had specks of black on it; it'll have to do.

He turned around and he locked eyes with Josh whose face looked curiously at him, silently asking him if he's okay and Tyler ran a hand through his hair. He’d have to go fix it.

“Thanks. For last night.” Josh said awkwardly, clearing his throat. Tyler nodded.

They sat in silence then, Tyler blaming it on the fact it was early and _not_ the fact he just dreamed about wanting to fuck his _best friend_. Which is why when someone knocked on the door, Tyler jumped to get it, almost thanking God for the interruption. Tyler didn't expect to see Brendon standing on the other side of his door, but hey, Tyler’s life was full of surprises apparently.

“I’m here to pick up what’s mine.” Brendon announced loudly, a louder sigh being heard from Josh. Brendon grinned and waited, Josh appearing next to Tyler.

“I’m not yours,” Josh glared at Brendon, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “And I'm still mad at you.”

Brendon stepped closer, eyes wide and innocent. “I’m sorry, baby. You know I love you! Please take me back, I can't live without you. It’s too much for my poor heart to bear.”

Josh snorted, shaking his head at Brendon with a look of affection on his face. “Fine, you fuck. I could never stay mad at you long, anyway.”

Brendon whooped and grabbed Josh's face planting kisses everywhere but on his lips. Josh scrunched his face up in mock disgust and Tyler couldn't help but laugh at the love these two had for each other. Brendon placed a wet, sloppy kiss on Josh’s nose and Josh started laughing, finally pushing Brendon away.

“I take it back, I hate you,” Josh grinned, looking between Brendon and Tyler. “But I have class now, so I'll see you both later. Thanks again, Tyler.”

Josh walked away, descending the stairs before Brendon turned to go into his room.

“Wait!” Tyler blurted out, stopping Brendon from going inside. Brendon shot him a confused look and leaned on the door, eyebrow raised. “Uh, I just wanted to say thanks for keeping Josh together when, you know, I couldn't.”

Tyler’s face was burning and he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He was embarrassed of himself, he could only imagine how badly Brendon was judging him right now.

“Oh, it was a pleasure.” Brendon laughed, sobering up quickly and leaning closer to Tyler with narrowed eyes. “Let’s get something straight right now. You and I are _not_ friends, understand? What you did to him will never be okay, not to me anyway. Josh can make his own decisions, he’s an adult, but so help me God, if you hurt him again I’m going to fucking kill you. Got it?”

Tyler nodded, too shocked to even say anything coherent back. All his mind supplied him with was _what the fuck_ and he wasn't about to say that to a dude who just threatened to kill him. Contrary to popular belief, Tyler did not have a death wish.

“Good.” Brendon smiled and turned around. He unlocked his door and turned back to call over his shoulder. “I’ll see you around, I'm sure.”

Brendon closed the door in Tyler's face, leaving Tyler confused and utterly speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, updates won't be this fast all the time. I'm a college student and exams are coming up soon so I'm trying to get the stuff I already have written on here before I get too busy to.
> 
> Also, I'm Canadian so if I fuck up how college is in the states and all that, pls don't roast me about it. I'm trying to portray it as accurately as I can (basically ive been looking this shit up) so yeah. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


	6. You're cold and I burn (I guess I'll never learn 'cause I stay another hour or two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prepare for some sexytime, motherfuckers.

The week went by exceptionally slow for Tyler. All he wanted was for it to be the weekend so he could sleep in and not have to worry about getting to class -which he hated- but everything just seemed to drag on and on. He felt as though he was stuck in a looping hell with no escape at this point and it was only the second week of school.

On this particular Friday afternoon as he thanked God about the week finally coming to an end, he decided to go over and see if Josh wanted to hang out during his 2 hour break. He only had one more class left today and he felt as though he hadn't seen Josh in ages. They had seen each other in passing, going down to meet their separate friends together, but they hadn't really hung out at all. Which in Tyler’s mind means someone has to take initiative in asking the other to do so and he felt like he should be the one to ask after everything that had happened between the two of them.

He still felt a little guilty, sue him.

Tyler knocked on Josh and Brendon’s door, his phone in his hand. He put it in his pocket after noticing no new messages and knocked on the door again.

“It’s unlocked.” Tyler heard Brendon say, sounding oddly slow and raspy. Tyler quirked  an eyebrow and opened the door which of course opened without a problem.

When he walked in all he could notice was the smoke and oh my god, it smelled so fucking bad Tyler wanted to turn and leave.

Josh sat on the floor cross legged, smile on his face and Brendon was lying on his bed, arm hanging off the edge with the joint between his fingers as the other was placed on his bare chest.

Tyler wasn't an idiot; he was very aware that the two of them smoked. He knew they weren't saints, but damn him if he knew he’d walk in on them _actually_ doing it. He’d only ever seen the aftermath, -and smelled it, mind you. This right now was so much worse, stronger even- but that was completely different. 

“Josh, it’s your boy.” Brendon stage whispered over to Josh, lifting his head to look at him, a teasing smile on his face.

Josh lifted up his middle finger. “Fuck off.”

“The love is overwhelming.”

Josh ignored Brendon and waved Tyler over, motioning for him to sit next to him on the floor. He did.

“Hey Tyler.”

“Hi.” Tyler said, looking around the room. He felt like the outcast of the 3 of them; he didn't belong here. He should have just gone and taken a nap.

“What are you thinking about?” Josh asked and Tyler looked over at his wide, brown eyes. His pupils were blown making his eyes look black, an odd contrast to the red that filled the white of his eyes.

“Nothing. Just stressed, I guess.” Tyler shrugged, looking away again.

“Buddy,” Brendon rolled over on the bed so he was facing Tyler, the hand holding the joint extended to him. “I think you need to take a load off.”

“I have class soon.” Tyler shook his head, frowning. Was this their solution for everything? Tyler wasn't sure if Brendon even _went_ to class.

“Ditch.”

Tyler looked at Brendon’s hand as if it was inhuman. This was so stupid. _So_ stupid. Tyler didn't want anything to do with drugs. He and his friends had decided that drugs are for losers a long time ago. He tilted his head, a smile forming on his lips. It was a good thing he really fucking hated his friends’ bullshit opinions and couldn't care less what they thought. None of them could judge, they'd never gotten high before. So what if Tyler just tried it once? They’d never find out about it. They’d never know.

Tyler took it from Brendon, who’s smile expanded like a shark about to eat its victim. Tyler held the rolled up paper in between his fingers and stared at it. What was he doing?

Josh giggled next to him and Tyler turned to see him covering his mouth with his hand, eyes shining with delight.

“I’m sorry.” Josh said between giggles and Tyler cleared his throat. He wanted water; his mouth was suddenly too dry.

“I-I don't know how to do this.” Tyler admitted, cheeks turning pink with embarrassment. He glanced at the joint in his hand and noticed he was shaking. He’d never smoked anything before _,_ not weed, not cigarettes, not shisha, _nothing_. They couldn't blame him for being clueless about this stuff.

“It’s not rocket science,” Brendon scoffed, face mashed against his pillow, his voice coming out muffled. He lifted his head and met Tyler’s eyes. “Bring the joint to your lips, -oh good you're nodding, you know that part - breathe it in -hold it in for like at _least_ 5 seconds, we won't hold it against you if you cough- and exhale the smoke as smoothly as you can. It's easy. Effortless.”

Tyler nodded, swallowing hard. He brought his hand up, wrapping his lips around the joint and he faintly heard Josh’s encouraging _you go, Tyler_ beside him, but he couldn't be too sure because his heart was pounding in his ears. He inhaled sharply, his eyes fluttering shut and he practically felt his chest expand as he breathed the smoke into his lungs, holding it in.

 _This isn’t so bad_ , Tyler thought. _This is fine_. He was fine. When he went to exhale the smoke slowly like Brendon instructed, the weed got the best of him and he started coughing.

Josh pat his back soothingly, trying to get him to calm down as he took the joint from Tyler’s hand. Brendon on the other hand, was laughing uncontrollably even though he technically said he wouldn't and it made Tyler self conscious; he wanted to leave.

“Maybe I should-” He began to get up only to get yanked back down by Josh. “Josh, I'm not good at this.”

“I’ll teach you.” Josh smiled and Brendon wolf whistled making Tyler blush again. God, this was so embarrassing. He felt like a 10 year old who couldn't do anything right.

Tyler watched as Josh pinched the joint between his fingers, bringing it up to his mouth and taking a drag. His other hand beckoned Tyler closer and he eyed him skeptically, a nervous feeling in his gut, but leaned forward, closer to him. Their knees brushed and he honestly didn't know what Josh was up to, but he didn't want to embarrass himself again, so he just went with it. Josh turned to face him, eyes wide.

“Open your mouth.” Josh told him quickly, voice straining as he leaned in closer, their lips just barely touching.

Tyler gasped, a startled noise getting caught in his throat, the shock of having Josh this close surprising him and adding more colour to his cheeks. Their lips weren’t touching, but he noticed Josh’s eyes flutter shut as he exhaled the smoke into his mouth.

The smoke made it’s way into his lungs instead of Josh's and he tried really hard not to freak out over the fact this is a thing that happened. His heart was racing in his chest, although he's sure it couldn't be from smoking, not when he hardly took two hits. It just didn't add up and Tyler felt himself break out in a cold sweat, finally opening his eyes and willing himself to stay calm.

Josh moved, leaning away from Tyler, his eyes shining so bright and vibrant. Tyler blinked, shakily exhaling the smoke his best friend had exhaled into him and tilted his head, finally having a content smile form on his face when he realized the reason Josh did that.

He hadn't coughed that time!

“Oh, come on,” Brendon whined and Tyler’s head snapped towards him, not realizing he was sitting up with his legs crossed on the bed now. “If you're going to shotgun him _that_ way then do it _right._ Half the smoke didn't even pass his lips, Joshua.”

“Brendon.” Josh’s voice was distant, as if this was all a dream and Tyler wondered if this is what it was like to be high.

“You’re not high,” Brendon told Tyler, as if reading his mind and plopped down next to Josh, grabbing the joint from his hand. “I’ll have to do that the right way since Josh is too much of a pussy to.”

Brendon barely had time to take a drag before it was yanked out of his hands and back in Josh’s mouth. Tyler watched as a smirk grew on Brendon’s lips and next thing he knew, Josh was tilting Tyler’s head up and pressing his lips to his. Tyler’s eyes widened before falling shut, feeling Josh breathe out the smoke and oh God, yeah,  _this_ was much different than the first time.

Josh’s other hand also found it’s way onto Tyler’s face, gripping it tightly and making him jump from the unexpected touch. Josh made a quiet noise of satisfaction before pulling away from him.

Tyler missed the heat of Josh’s lips as soon as he felt them pull away from his own. He felt like that had taken years for them to do, but it all happened really quickly, basically taking place in the span of a breath, but as Tyler exhaled the steam clouding his lungs, he couldn't help but glance up at Josh in confusion, his eyes softening at the smile he found on his face.

“You did it!” Josh said, his voice gaining a higher pitch by the end of the sentence.

“That was so hot.” Brendon whistled again and Tyler hid his face in his hands while he laughed.

When Tyler was sure the redness of his cheeks was gone -his face was flushed anyway, but who cares about that- he grabbed the joint out of Brendon's hand.

Brendon let out the smoke smoothly from the puff he had taken when Tyler was covering his face and watched him as he put it in his mouth, inhaled and exhaled without a problem.

They went on sharing a joint, -Brendon had rolled another one for them, it was like magic to Tyler’s eyes- and for the first time in a while Tyler felt _good_ about himself. He didn't remember the last time he felt so light and so unfazed by things. He liked it.

Tyler’s unfazed demeanor fell when a loud knock sounded at the door with a quick _open up, guys._ Tyler knew it was their RA; who else would be trying to get in here when none of them had looked at their phones in an hour, maybe two?

Tyler did the one thing he knew how to do.

He panicked.

“Oh my god, man,” Tyler whispered, grabbing onto Josh’s arm. “This is it, I'm going to get kicked out of college for smoking weed _once.”_

Josh looked down at Tyler with a fond look. “Oh, Tyler. Silly, silly Tyler.”

Brendon got up and answered the door without a care in the world and Tyler tried hiding behind Josh and staying still because maybe if he doesn't move no one will see him _._ It worked when animals did it so by default, it should work for Tyler too. Josh laughed, lifting his hand up and threading his fingers through Tyler’s hair, pushing it back.

“You guys smoking weed?” Their RA asked, eyeing Brendon's face cautiously.

“Hoodie, my man," Brendon gestured inside the room, a wicked grin on his face. “You want some?”

“Fuck yeah.” He brushed past Brendon, clapping him on the back before nodding at Josh and Tyler.

Tyler couldn't help it when his mouth dropped open, this was just  _so_ cool. Brendon was friends with their _supervisor_ person. They could basically get away with anything if they wanted to.

“Hey Hoodie.” Josh removed his fingers from Tyler's hair to wave and he made a noise of protest.

He liked when people played with his hair and it felt extra good right now. Tyler nudged his head back onto Josh’s shoulder and he just hummed when Josh’s fingers found their way back to his head and continued playing with his hair.

Brendon went through his drawer, cheerfully singing ‘ _I like it when the hoodline bling, that can only mean one thing’_ to himself and Tyler was mesmerized because wow, did Brendon really have a good voice or was it just the drugs? He couldn't tell.

“There you go, bro. Enjoy it. Come smoke with us next time.” Tyler heard Brendon say as he led Hoodie out, but he was so focused on the feeling of Josh’s fingers in his hair that he couldn't care less if the world was ending.

 

-

 

Silence lapsed between all of them. They had all moved to separate parts of the room. Tyler sat propped up next to Brendon’s bed as his hand played with a string on his shirt. He couldn't quite get ahold of it and it was taking all his concentration away from the other two. Once he decided to give up on pulling it off, he looked up to see Josh sprawled sideways on his bed, feet kicked up on the wall and his head leaning upside down off the bed. Brendon was in a similar position, only his head was on a pillow.

Tyler was really aware of his breathing right then, every breath he breathed in and every breath he breathed out. He bit his lip and when he looked at Josh doing the same, he felt the urge to kiss him again. Or shotgun. Brendon had called it a shotgun. That had been nice and Tyler really, _really_ wanted to do it again.

His gaze wondered around the room slowly, wondering why he hadn't tried this stuff sooner. He felt great, it was as though he was a different person, not the Tyler Joseph everyone knew him as.

Josh broke the silence, startling both Brendon and Tyler out of their daydreams to look over at him. Josh looked like he had had a revelation with his eyes so alive and excited, bringing his hands up in a _oh my god_ gesture.

“Why the fuck are there still people who don't believe in aliens? Guys,  _listen to me_ , it’s pretty much a _fact_ that they exist. There was a fucking _spaceship_ in California and-”

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks went by faster than expected. Tyler had been spending a lot more time with Josh and Brendon getting stoned that he only had to see his friends maybe once or twice a week. That was good for Tyler.

It was not good for his girlfriend.

She had noticed how much time he was spending with them, she was an observant girl. She had questioned him, as she always did and Tyler had assured her that it was nothing. It _was_ nothing and he had thought she believed him, but on this specific Wednesday afternoon, the sound of her familiar voice shouting into the room next to his woke him up.

“Where is Tyler?” He heard Jenna ask slowly, hostility evident in her voice. Tyler hoped Josh didn't answer the door.

“Maybe if you knocked on the right door you’d know.” Brendon’s voice made Tyler relax and snuggle back into his bed.

“This is fucking ridiculous!” She started banging on Tyler’s door and he groaned. Why couldn't he just sleep in _peace?_

He got up and answered the door, a very angry Jenna standing in front of him. Brendon pointed at her from his door.

“Hostile little blonde you got there, Tyler.” Brendon crossed his arms over his chest, a smile spreading across his face.

“Shut the fuck up!” Jenna told him and Tyler was sure she was on the verge of stomping her foot. He was too tired to care.

“Put your claws away, babe, I don't have time for your shit. Next time don’t fucking wake me up.” Brendon turned and slammed the door in her face and she groaned in frustration before storming into Tyler’s room.

Tyler knew whatever speech she had coming would make him feel guilty. She always did this when she assumed he did something wrong and yeah it pissed him off, but he loved her. He’d do anything for her, including admitting when he was wrong, even though in most cases he was the right one.

Sometimes he just had to swallow his pride and let things go.

“So you’re skipping classes now too?” She got straight to the point and Tyler shrugged.

“I was tired. I had a bad night.”

“Bullshit,” She snarled and jabbed him in the chest with her finger. “You’ve never skipped class before and ever since you've become best friends with the fucking stoner squad you-”

“Oh, come _on,_ Jenna,” Tyler shot back, equally as angry. “Who the fuck are you? My father? I’ll skip class if I want to, it has nothing to do with my friends.”

“Oh, so those low life assholes are your _friends_ now?” She screamed and Tyler scoffed at her. She was being ridiculous and Tyler wasn’t going to feed into it.

“You don’t know what you're saying.” Tyler sighed, the fight draining out of him. He hated fighting with her, especially over ridiculous things.

“I know well enough. You can't hang out with us, your _real_ friends, but these guys can have _all_ your attention without a prob-”

“Josh is the only person I know who struggled with mental illness, Jenna!” He shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “Don't you understand? I’m a fucking psychology major, put two and two together!”

“You’re using him?”

“Yes! My final assignment is about examining someone's behaviour when they’ve gone through some sort of psychological trauma and show how they are over time and I chose to do it on _Josh.”_

It was all a lie, Tyler didn't have a final assignment he had to do on this topic at all. He just needed an excuse, he needed an out from the situation he’d created for himself and that had been the first thing that popped into his head.

“Whatever, Tyler.” She turned on her heels and walked away from him, towards the door. Tyler didn't stop her; if she wanted to be a drama queen over nothing, then _fine._

She threw the door open and there stood a crestfallen Josh Dun and Tyler _knew_.

He knew he heard everything. He knew he had just fucked up whatever friendship they’d started to build. He knew Josh would never believe a word he said again.

He looked at Josh, willing him to understand that he was lying, that it wasn't true, but Josh just turned on his heels and walked away.

Jenna turned around. “What? You're not going to run after him?”

She was mocking him and Tyler wanted nothing more than to slam the door in her face like Brendon had done minutes before, but if he’d just lost Josh again then he couldn't lose Jenna, too.

“Baby,” He walked over to her, reaching out for her hand and rubbing her knuckles with his thumb. “I don't care about him. I care about _you._ Please don't be mad.”

He put on his best puppy dog eyes and after searching his face, she sighed leaning into him.

“Fine, but you owe me a date.” She mumbled into his chest and Tyler nodded wrapping his arms around her.

“Of course, babe. Anything you want.”

She sighed again and lifted up on her toes to kiss him. He kissed her back and normally this would lead to a makeout session, but Tyler really wasn't in the mood, he just wanted her to leave so he could be alone. He pulled away and Jenna told him she’d text him when she could while Tyler nodded, kissing her forehead and finally closed the door on her retreating figure.

He stared at the door for a minute, his mind going blank and his face expressionless. He didn't know what the fuck to do; he felt fucking numb on the inside _and_ on the outside.

As he continued to stare at the door he realized how alone he was in his isolated room. He couldn’t move; he felt as though he was paralyzed in the spot he was standing in, while he waited for the pain of losing his best friend _again_ to come, only it didn't  and he didn't understand.

Why wasn't he hurting? His chest ached, like he was missing a piece of himself, but nothing more than that. He continued staring at the door, trying to convince himself not to feel bad about the fact that he should have gone to explain everything to Josh. Tyler knew that that would only make things worse, what with how stubborn Josh could be.

“Fuck!” He shouted, reality hitting him in the face as hard as a punch and he turned to the wall next to him, hitting it as hard as he can.

He kept shouting swears breathily, hitting the wall with every word. He needed to feel some sort of pain, but it _still_ wasn’t coming. He felt his throat tighten and it wasn't long before he slid to the ground with his head in his bloody and bruised up hands, wondering what the fuck he had just done.

 

* * *

 

Brendon didn't usually skip class, contrary to what everyone else thought. He almost always went to class because fuck, he loved them. Most of them anyway. He was a theatre major; acting was what he did best. Why would he want to skip that?

He understood that people had a skewed perception of him because of some of the things he did, but they were all honestly bullshit. Everyone always loved gossiping about him and how he was, but nobody ever bothered to talk to him and find out if anything anyone was saying about him was true.

That is until Josh came along and quickly made his role in his life more important than initially thought; Brendon wasn’t sure what he’d do without Josh at this point. Sure he was always a snarky little shit with him, but Josh knew that he loved him.

Anyway, maybe he did skip once or twice a week, but he still _went_ to class. It always made him laugh how everyone would talk about hating their classes and everything they were learning when he loved everything about his own. It was such a huge difference from how he was in high school. Then again, Brendon was still an honours student even then, the only difference was he didn't particularly like or care about what he was learning.

What can he say? He was gifted.

He hadn't skipped class when he decided to meet up with Ryan. He had finished his last class at 3:45 and when Ryan told him he was near his classroom, Brendon told him to wait for him and he’d be right over.

Brendon didn't stay hung up on people; he usually fucked people and moved on. It was the cycle he created for himself when he realized what sex was. That’s what he initially wanted when he made his move on Ryan, a quick fuck and thank you, maybe still be friends, because why the fuck not? He didn't mind being fuck buddies either! Brendon just didn't do commitment. The thought of it scared him more than he cares to admit.

Ryan waved at him as soon as he saw him, his eyes glowing with excitement and Brendon was sure his face looked exactly the same. They had both fooled around together obviously, but Brendon found himself wanting _more_ and that right there was the reason he  started to shake nervously when he reached Ryan. Feelings were not part of what he was used to.

“Hey Bren.” Ryan greeted him, leaning in to kiss him. Brendon was sure he was going to die of cardiac arrest.

“Thanks for waiting.” Brendon chuckled when Ryan pulled away from him, a small smile on his face.

“Was your class alright? You’re shaking.” Ryan grabbed Brendon’s hand in his own and he laughed, pulling it away and wrapping his arm around Ryan's neck.

“I’m fine, babe.” Brendon assured him, letting go and reaching into his pocket to grab his cigarettes.

He took one out, sighing before lighting it. His parents always yelled at him over the fact that he smoked and tried knocking some sense into him by explaining the facts of what smoking does to a person, bless their little hearts. Truth be told he probably continued just to piss them off; fuck yeah teenage rebellion and all that shit.

“Just checking on you,” Ryan said quietly and Brendon ignored the butterflies in his stomach. “Can I have one?”

Ryan pointed at his pack and Brendon shook his head, narrowing his eyes.

“You don't want to pick up smoking, Ryan.” Brendon told him seriously. “Besides you told me you hated that I smoked last week.”

“You're in a pissy mood.” Ryan grinned and Brendon rolled his eyes, taking another puff of his cig. Ryan reached over and took the cigarette from him, throwing it on the floor and stepping on it. “You're not as fun when you're mad. I’d think you get aggressive, but-”

“You want aggressive?” Brendon laughed, grabbing Ryan's face in his hands (careful not to burn him with his cig) and kissed him, biting on Ryan's lower lip before pulling away. “Maybe later.”

“Is that a promise?” Ryan taunted, pressing his body closer to Brendon’s.

“Not with that attitude.” Brendon hummed, stepping away from Ryan and starting to walk in the direction of his dorm.

Ryan found his way next to him a smile on his face as he reached over and laced his and Brendon’s fingers together. Brendon’s heart started racing; he wasn't used to this stuff. He wasn't used to people wanting to be with him. Hell, _he_ wasn't even sure if he wanted this himself.

Brendon looked around for an excuse that would allow him to pull away from Ryan, anything really. He could have gone with pointing at a bird flying in the distance, he was that desperate to stop the contact until they were in his room. His eyes scanned the crowds around them and fell on a girl with pink hair, who was sitting on a bench looking down at a notebook in her lap. Her hand held a pencil and Brendon had no doubt that she was probably sketching something by the way she kept looking up, trying to focus on whatever it was she was seeing with her hand moving gracefully on the page.

“Damn,” Brendon let go on Ryan’s hand, wiping the sweat from being nervous on his jeans before pointing at the girl. “She's pretty hot.”

Brendon smirked when he noticed Ryan’s eyes narrow into a glare. He continued staring at the girl, crossing his arms as Ryan bristled next to him. It’s not that he didn't like Ryan and he was trying to get him mad, it was that he liked Ryan _too_ much and Ryan deserved so much better than a piece of shit like him. Ryan was a pure, special little snowflake and Brendon was the heat that destroyed him.

“You think she’s hot?” Ryan grabbed his arm, making Brendon look at him. He nodded, because she didn't look unattractive from this far away. “I dare you to go and pick her up then.”

“You want me to do what?” Brendon asked him sharply, not expecting that reply from him at all.

“If you like her so much, go get her. Bring her over here.” Ryan shrugged and his nonchalance made Brendon want to fuck him against the wall with everyone watching. If Ryan wanted to play this game, then Brendon would win.

“No problem, _babe.”_ Brendon batted his eyes sweetly as Ryan made a _go ahead_ gesture toward the girls figure. Brendon walked over to her, thinking about something to say to her. He would just have to charm her, get her to walk back over to Ryan with him and then maybe explain the situation to her when she walked away.

Brendon stood in front of the view she was drawing, causing her to look up at him, her face turning from a calm-content to an annoyed real quick. She raised an eyebrow at him, silently questioning him about what he was doing.

“Hey love,” Brendon told her smoothly, running a hand through his hair. “I noticed you drawing and thought you could use a better view.”

“Are you serious?” She tapped her pencil against her chin and shook her head. “Sorry, the view of that _cloud_ is better than you.”

“ _Excuse_ me?” Brendon blurted out, laying the hand in his hair on his waist now. He fixed her with a glare, knowing very well that people found him intimidating when he was mad. A cloud was _not_ more appealing than him.

“You heard me. Now go away so I can finish this.” She turned her attention back to her notebook -sketchpad, Brendon saw that she _was_ in fact drawing the sky- and he just gaped at her.

“Listen, I thought you were super cute 5 seconds ago,” Brendon began, his words getting harsher as he said them. “But now you've proven yourself to be a total bitch. I was just trying to get you to come over there,” Brendon pointed to where Ryan stood, checking his phone in the distance. “But you can forget it. You aren't worth my time.”

Brendon turned and stormed back towards Ryan, steam practically coming out his ears. Not only had she called him ugly, but she had the audacity to look hurt when he turned to leave. Ryan glanced up from his phone as Brendon reached him, a smile gracing his face.

“No luck?” Ryan guessed sadly, a small pout on his lips.

“Shut the fuck up.” Brendon told him, crossing his arms. Maybe asking Ryan to wait for him after class was a bad idea.

“Happens to the best of us, champ,” Ryan punched his shoulder, fake enthusiasm on his face. “Better luck next time!”

“If you think you can do any better then be my guest.” Brendon gestured to her. “Maybe she’ll compare you to a fucking tree.”

“Sure, I'll go talk to her, I don't care, but if I get her to come over here,” Ryan leaned in closer to Brendon, kissing his cheek. “I get to take you on a date.”

Brendon’s heart stopped and he suddenly wanted to retch all over the bush next to them. This wasn't normal, nobody ever wanted to take _him_ of all people on a date. Brendon was always just a casual fuck, nothing more.

_Nothing more._

“A date?” He said quietly, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat and he felt the blood rush out of his face. He probably looked as though he just saw a ghost.

“A date.” Ryan confirmed, nodding his head excitedly. If he noticed Brendon’s look of uncertainty, he didn't mention it. “Unless you don't want-”

“Yes, okay. If you get her to come over here, I'll go on a date with you.”

Brendon wouldn't believe he’d said the words. It was as though someone had controlled him and made him say it, but the look on Ryan's face, the happiness, made it worth it, even though Brendon wanted to cry.

He watched as Ryan walked over to the pink haired girl. She looked up and he couldn't believe he saw her smile at Ryan, at his boy, but she couldn't spare a glance at him. Ryan did a few hand gestures, his face looking apologetic, but the girl stood up. She gathered all her things into her bag and Brendon was sure his jaw hit the floor. There was no way in hell Ryan was more charming than him. He wouldn't believe it. The two of them walked back over to Brendon and Ryan grinned at him, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

“Brendon, this is Ashley.” He introduced them. “She’s a lesbian, by the way.”

“You're a fucking menace _._ ” Brendon said in complete awe. Of course Ryan knew her, he was such an easy guy to talk to.

“Yeah.” he winked and Ashley laughed, adjusting her way too hipster looking glasses.

“Sorry for being mean, I didn't know you were friends with Ryan.” Ashley apologized and Brendon nodded, flashing her a smile.

“I didn't know you were either, it’s cool.” Brendon reached out and shook her hand. “Brendon. Nice to meet you, properly this time.”

“Okay, enough of this.” Ryan whined, grabbing Brendon’s arm. “Nice seeing you Ash, but we’ve got an assignment due tomorrow.”

Ashley nodded at the lie, saying her goodbyes and walking away from them as the two of them continued walking towards Brendon's dorm.

Ryan was clever, Brendon had to give him that. He knew he would win this bet and managed to get him to agree. In all honesty, Brendon had no problem with going on the date, he was actually nervously excited for it. It was the fact that people always ended up using him in some form or another and although Ryan looked like the sweetest thing someone could lay their eyes on, he had no way of knowing if this was really who he was.

He supposed that is how he really was, seeing as what they’ve had going on has been happening for a month now. What would Ryan possibly gain? Drugs? Sex? He already got those things without having to commit himself fully to Brendon and put labels on their relationship.

Then the thought dawned on him that it wasn't Ryan he should be worried about; it was himself. Brendon knew that if their ‘relationship’ ever went anywhere then he would be the one to try and sabotage it from the start.

“Isn’t that Josh?” He heard Ryan say and sure enough, when Brendon looked up he saw Josh making out with some other red headed guy. Brendon couldn't help the pride that filled his chest; his best friend was going to get some dick tonight. He deserved it.

“Yeah,” Brendon nodded, grinning at Ryan and leaning in to kiss him quickly to assure him that everything was okay. He raised his hand and trailed it down Ryan’s chest. “Maybe we should go to your dorm…”

 

* * *

 

Tyler wasn't sure how long he’d been sitting there, on the shitty, uncomfortable floor of his room. He's positive hours had went by with him staring blankly at the wall or having his head in his hands. He didn't want to move and the isolation of his room was awfully calming.

The thought of him never getting to talk to Josh again on the other hand, was definitely anything but. In fact, it made Tyler want to curl up in a ball and cry. Again.

The pain had hit him at some point during his emotional breakdown. It wasn’t a fun thing to go through and his chest _still_ hurt, but the only thing he could think of that would help him right now was smoking some weed and calling it a day, but see, that would mean getting up and going next door to ask Brendon for some. Would Brendon even give him any? Surely Josh would have told him how much of a idiot Tyler was by now.

There was only one way to find out, Tyler thought, finally getting up and cursing himself because he couldn't even go to his fucking _friends_ for help. They would all tell him to get over it. God, he could practically hear Alex’s scoff of disbelief.

He didn't bother putting on shoes, he was only going next door and then back to the comfort of his shitty room again. If he stepped on a rock, or glass or some hazardous thing that would kill him then damn, he probably deserved it.

He knocked once. Nothing. He knocked a second time and he heard a groan and a stupid fucking Australian voice saying ‘ _ignore it’_. He knocked a third time and the door finally swung open, a shirtless Josh standing before him. Tyler willed himself to look Josh right in the eyes instead of looking at the ground in guilt.

“What?” Josh asked flatly, his voice monotonous. Tyler wanted to flinch, but he kept his face neutral and stood his ground.

“Uh, is Brendon here? I need some, uh, stuff.”

 _Smart, Tyler. Very clever_ , he thought dryly, kicking himself in the ass for being a fucking idiot.

Josh stared at him blankly for a good minute while Tyler tried not to fidget under his stare too much. “No, Brendon’s not here, but his stash is in his top left drawer.”

Josh moved back into the room, leaving the door open for Tyler to walk in. He assumed that that meant he _could_ walk in that is, because he went inside, closing the door behind him. When he turned around, not even a second later, Josh and the Australian asshole were back to making out.

Did they not understand public displays of affection made people _very_ uncomfortable?

He groaned inwardly, walking over to the drawer, opening the top left one -which happened to be Brendon’s underwear drawer, thanks Josh- before searching around in it. He found one joint already rolled and took it out, freezing when he heard Josh moan ‘fuck Michael, _please'_.

Tyler shouldn't care. He shouldn't find the sound so hot. He should just walk out right now.

He didn’t.

He found himself taking his time examining the stupid rolled up piece of paper as if it were defective or something. Josh moaned again and the sound of lips smacking together made Tyler’s stomach churn. He turned around, facing Josh’s bed and seeing shirtless Josh pinned to it with his hands held above his head by the other stupid redhead. Michael was a stupid name anyway. Michael unzipped Josh’s pants with his other hand, kissing down his chest and abs while Josh just whimpered above him and Tyler couldn't believe this.

“Do you guys fucking mind? I’m literally right next to you. Can’t you two hold off for like, a minute?” Tyler’s hands were clenched, even though he was still holding the joint in one and he knew that if Australian douche decided to be a smartass today, he’d lose it. He was pissed off as it is, he didn't need this to top it off.

“Actually, no.” Michael mumbled, lifting his head off of Josh’s abs and leaning up to kiss Josh obnoxiously.

“You’re so annoying, I don't even understand why Josh chose _you_ of all people.” Tyler rolled his eyes and walked towards the door. He was done with this. Besides, he had his own situation to relieve now, thanks to Josh and his stupid moans.

Fuck, he needed to get high.

“Still jealous that he’ll be screaming my name later and not yours?” Michael taunted, earning a snort from Josh.

“You don't have to worry about that.” Josh reassured Michael, then called out to Tyler. “Go fuck your girlfriend and leave us alone.”

Tyler stopped, his hand on the doorknob. It was a low blow on Josh's part, but he didn't want to fight with with him and make their problems worse so he kept his mouth shut. He turned the knob to leave, to give Josh the space he clearly wanted.

“ _Girlfriend?”_ He heard Michael scoff, making him turn around and glare at him. “You're telling me he’s straight?”

“Straightest dude you'll ever meet.” Josh met Tyler’s eyes, matching his glare.

Michael laughed and it was so genuine that Tyler wanted to punch him. “No fucking way. Not with the way he acts.”

Tyler had enough of this. He wasn't going to be made a fool of when they both knew damn well he could still hear them.

“If you don't shut the fuck up, I'll honestly knock you out.” Tyler warned.

He walked back into the room, hands still clenched by his side and Michael got off of Josh, standing up and grinning at Tyler. He was taller than him, Tyler gave him that, but he was sure he could take him.

“Oh really? Mate, if you really want to then go ahead. Hit me.” Michael crossed his arms and tilted his head, probably expecting Tyler to not have a comeback to that.

He probably expected Tyler to forget about it and leave them to do their business. He probably expected Tyler to pussy out, to call his bluff. Only what he _actually_ did was shrug innocently, smile the tiniest smile because _finally,_ and punch him right in the nose.

Michael stumbled backwards, his face twisting up in pain and shock while his hand went up to his nose, noticing the blood that marked his fingers and he shook his head, straightening out. He looked around the room, his eyes landing on the shirt at the corner. Tyler ignored him, looking at his knuckles instead, feeling a dull throb pulsing through them after having hit his wall a thousand times and now this dudes face.

“We’ll continue this when your girlfriend isn't being a raging bitch, babe.” Michael told Josh once his shirt was on, little flecks of blood on it from where his nose had touched.

Michael didn't bother kissing Josh goodbye like last time, he didn't even glance at Tyler as he bumped his shoulder to leave the room.

Tyler bristled at the classic douche move, wanting nothing more than to punch him again, but took a deep breath to calm himself instead. He unclenched his other fist and stared at the now ruined joint there. This was a big waste of time and now he was horny too.

Fan- _fucking_ -tastic.

Tyler walked back over to Brendon’s dresser, picking up a bag of weed and some paper that Brendon left in the corner, crumpling it all up into a ball. Tyler would just fix it once he’s back in his room, because he knew how to roll a joint now, thank you very much.

He ignored Josh’s stare, even though it was practically burning his back. He noticed he was shaking too, because wow, punching the dude was a _bad_ idea, wasn't it? It definitely was and now Josh would hate him for sure.

“What the fuck, Tyler!” Josh finally exploded, having kept his cool a long time considering the fact that Tyler ruined his entire day.

Tyler ignored him, staring at the closed door -which Michael had slammed shut, because he’s a drama queen, clearly- and tried to walk towards it, but he was stuck. His feet wouldn't listen to him, so he just swallowed and looked at the ground.

“What, you think that just because _you_ can't get some from your dumb fucking girlfriend then nobody else in this fucking building can? Excuse me _,_ but I have no idea how my sad, pathetic life can even impact yours, since I meant nothing to you anyway! God, you're such a fucking _asshole_ , you can't just fucking _do that!_ ”

Alright, yeah, Josh was really mad and Tyler deserved the wrath that he was unleashing on him, because if someone ruined his chances of getting laid _twice,_ then he’d kick said person’s ass. He guessed he was lucky that Josh was just yelling at him, but at the same time, he came to the conclusion that Josh was being an idiot.

“What makes you think _I’m_ not getting any?” Tyler scowled, glaring at Josh as his face contorted in disbelief.

“Are you kidding?” Josh scoffed, waving a hand over at him. “Besides the fact that you’ve been acting like a total dick and have a raging hard on because your girlfriend wouldn't put out? Gee, I don't know.”

Something snapped in the back of Tyler’s mind and suddenly he could move again. He tossed the paper and bag back into Brendon’s dresser and walked right up to Josh, who was still sitting on the bed and leaned in close to his face.

Tyler didn't know what the fuck was going on, his brain was buzzing and all he knew is that he _wanted_ Josh. He wanted him so fucking bad and maybe it _was_ just because Josh was one of the hottest dudes he’d ever seen. Maybe it was because yeah, he was horny and his girlfriend wouldn't fuck him, but he needed something. He fucking needed someone else to help him, to get him off instead of having to rely on his damn hand for once.

He reached out and grabbed Josh’s hand, bringing it closer to his body and Josh eyed him curiously, though the glare never left his face. Tyler had half expected Josh to shove him away by now, but he was probably confused as hell. He placed Josh’s hand on his erect dick and Josh’s lips parted, a huff of breath leaving them as his eyes widened.

“Jenna didn't cause this problem, Josh.” Tyler whispered to him, his breath fanning over Josh’s face and he heard his breath hitch in surprise.

A smirk made it’s way to Tyler’s lips as his eyes flicked down at Josh’s still parted ones. He had _dreamed_ about kissing those lips, for fuck’s sake.

Common sense brought Tyler back to his shitty reality and he dropped Josh's hand, straightening his spine and coughing. He turned to walk out of the room, he was suddenly way too hot, but Josh grabbed his arm, roughly turning him back around.

“Fuck you, Tyler.” Josh growled, standing up now, before cupping Tyler’s cheeks in his hands and bringing his face down to his. Their lips met in a frantic kiss, barely lasting over 2 seconds before Josh was shoving him away. Tyler hadn't even had enough time to reciprocate. “Shit. Shit, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-”

“Shut up.” Tyler groaned, pushing Josh back onto the bed and getting on top of him, his knees falling on either side of his body.

He leaned down, pressing his lips back onto Josh’s and a sigh left his lips at the contact. He didn't know what had come over him, or why he was doing this, but he knew in the back of his mind that he needed this.

If he did this then he could live without speaking to Josh again.

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s neck, pulling him closer to him, their bodies practically mashing together and Tyler moaned at the friction between his jeans. He ran his fingers down Josh’s sides, absentmindedly rolling his hips down onto Josh’s, hissing into his lips.

“Oh God, Tyler.” Josh moaned, arching his back into him as he closed his eyes and turned away from him, exposing his neck.

Tyler was sure that there was no better sound in the world than that. He took that as his chance to kiss down his neck, his teeth gripping on the rough flesh there. He kissed and sucked and bit at Josh’s neck, savouring his moans before he pulled him back up to kiss him.

Kissing Josh was different from kissing Jenna. Jenna was always soft and sweet, always savouring the kiss, trying to deepen it without it having to go anywhere other than making out. Josh’s kisses were rougher, more exhilarating. They made Tyler want more and the faint brush of stubble against his skin drove him slightly crazy. If Tyler ever had to choose, he’d bet every dollar he’ll ever make that Josh was the best kisser out there.

Josh’s hand found it’s way under Tyler’s shirt, running up over his abs and he let go of Tyler’s neck with the other.

“Take it off,” Josh whined, tugging at the shirt. Tyler gave him a smug look, the sight of Josh panting beneath him a beautiful mental picture to keep for another day. “ _Now.”_

“I’m not gay.” He told Josh, wanting to make that point clear. Whatever this was, it wasn't what Josh would think it is. Tyler took off his shirt, tossing it across the room, not caring that Brendon could walk in at any second.

“Mm, yeah. You're not gay.” Josh nodded, pressing his fingers on Tyler’s stomach, tracing them up toward his pectoral muscles and tracing his tattoos.

A shiver went up Tyler’s spine and then he was being flipped over, landing flat on his back with a knee wedged between his thigh. Tyler looked up at Josh with wide eyes, only for Josh to lean down and kiss his neck, his tongue suddenly fire burning his skin. Tyler moaned, lifting his hips up, just to have Josh’s knee stop him.

“Patience, Tyler.”

Tyler closed his eyes, his sigh of frustration getting cut off by another moan while Josh continued to leave a mark on Tyler’s neck.

“You can't give me a hickey there.” Tyler breathed half heartedly. If anything, he didn't want Josh to _stop,_ he wanted him to mark his body as his, he didn't care at all. It felt _so_ good to him.

Josh stopped, leaning up and placing his hand on Tyler’s face, his thumb rubbing his cheekbone. “Watch me.”

Oh God, Tyler was going to go to hell. This is exactly the kind of shit he never thought he’d ever do or even enjoy, but Josh’s lips alone were driving him wild and he _loved_ it.

Once Josh was satisfied with his work on his neck, he brought his lips back to Tyler’s, groaning when his tongue met his. Their tongues tangled together in a never ending dance, as Tyler moved his hand into Josh’s hair and tugged, hard. He didn't know he could be so satisfied with a person's moan until now.

Josh pulled away from him, leaning down and kissing down his chest, his abs and down his navel. Tyler just watched Josh slide down his body, his hand still tangled in his hair and holy fuck, he was going to let a guy blow him. This was actually a thing he was going to let happen and he let his head fall back onto the pillow to try and register that thought, before he felt Josh’s fingers unbutton his jeans and heard the sound of his zipper being opened.

He lifted his head, watching Josh shake his head while muttering how ‘ _fucking dumb skinny jeans are’_ before he finally got them off of his body. Tyler felt pretty bare, laying there in just his boxer briefs with his dick bulging, but the look Josh was giving him made up for it.

“Josh,” Tyler choked out, pulling at Josh’s hair lightly. “Do something, _please.”_

Josh smirked, planting his red kissed lips on the skin of Tyler’s abdomen, making him buck his hips upward. He looked up at Tyler innocently and he realized that Josh was _teasing_ him.

He fucking hated it.

Tyler let his head fall back again, waiting painfully for Josh to get on with whatever he wanted to do and though Tyler was an impatient little shit, Josh drove him crazy either way. He continued sucking bruises on Tyler’s body, places that he could thankfully cover, and when he slipped off Tyler’s boxer briefs he couldn't help but moan, his cock finally being released from the sudden confined tightness of them.

Josh laughed, a soft, delighted sound at the back of his throat and if Tyler weren't so hyper aware of his surroundings, he probably wouldn't have heard it. His head shot up when he felt a hot tongue run up the length of his dick.

Tyler moaned, having to restrain himself from pulling Josh's hair out. Josh wrapped his perfect, red lips around him and fuck, it felt so good Tyler’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. Having Josh’s warm mouth on him like this, while looking down at him was honestly one of the hottest things he’d ever experience.

“Oh fucking _Christ,_ your mouth feels so good.” Tyler panted focusing back on Josh while tightening his grip on Josh’s hair. His hips shifted forward into his mouth when Josh sucked him faster, his tongue swirling around the tip of his dick as he took him deeper and Josh’s hands pushed his hips back down. “ _Fuck.”_

Tyler realized if they continued this, then it would drive him over the fucking edge way before he wanted. He tugged Josh’s hair, pulling him up and away from his dick, ignoring the sounds of protest escaping Josh’s throat. Josh’s mouth left Tyler’s cock, his hand coming up to wipe the spit on his chin.

“If it felt so good,” Josh licked his lips, making Tyler’s breath catch in his throat. “Why’d you make me stop?”

Tyler leaned up on his elbows, ignoring how Josh placed his hands on his hips and was now tracing patterns into his skin with his thumbs. “Because I’d like to fuck you, if that’s okay.”

Josh raised an eyebrow, challenging. “ _You_ want to fuck _me?_ What makes you think I'm a bottom, baby?”

Tyler shivered at the term of endearment. He never cared for it when Jenna called him those names: babe, baby, love, they didn't do anything for him, but the way Josh said it, God he could listen to him call him that all day.

“Well, I sure as hell aren't a bottom, so either we do this my way or no way.” Tyler told him, grabbing Josh’s jaw and smiling when Josh leaned down to kiss his lips.

“Fair enough.” He hummed before getting off of Tyler and shimmying out of his jeans and boxers, Tyler’s eyes widening at how nonchalant he was being, his eyes trailing down his back muscles and finally falling on Josh’s firm ass.

Josh walked over to his dresser pulling out a condom and some lube before walking back over to the bed with such grace Tyler couldn't breathe. His gaze went up and down Josh’s body, trying to memorize every detail about him.

Josh leaned over him, pressing his lips to Tyler's opened ones, sucking Tyler’s bottom lip between his own before he turned his head and nudged his cheek with his nose. “Get on your hands and knees.”

Tyler glared at Josh, shaking his head. “I’m not being a bottom.”

“Tyler, when was the last time you fucked a guy?” Josh questioned, knowing damn well Tyler would never do this in a million years.

“Never.” Tyler answered, voice wavering as Josh reached over to trail his fingers down his chest slowly. It was agonizingly slow waiting for Josh’s reply, but once Tyler felt fingers wrap around his cock, stroking it lazily, his breath hitched.

“Exactly, baby.” Josh purred into Tyler’s ear, licking his earlobe before catching it in his mouth, teasingly. “Now be a good boy and let me do my job.”

Tyler found himself nodding, if anyone knew best about this stuff it was Josh after all. Tyler had no clue what the fuck he had to do, or what the proper ways to get someone off this way was. He wasn’t sure _why_ he even wanted to know any of this, but honestly, he couldn't knock it until he tried it, right?

Josh let go of him, much to Tyler’s dismay and motioned for him to turn around. _Hands and knees_ , he had told him. He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing before he did as he was told, turning around on his knees and placing his hands in front of him. He took a deep breath, arching his back in the process and hearing Josh moan softly behind him.

“So beautiful.” Josh told him, voice hoarse as his fingers familiarizing themselves with Tyler’s spine, causing a shiver to run through his body and goosebumps to rise on his skin.

“Okay, let’s do this already.” Tyler’s voice sounded desperate, even to his own ears. He couldn't help it, his dick was painfully hard and he needed to let go already. He turned to look at Josh over his shoulder, fixing him with a look.

Josh hummed, reaching over to grab the lube and squirted some on his fingers. Tyler yelped when he felt Josh’s finger running circles across the tight ring of muscle surrounding his hole.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Tyler gasped, turning to glare at Josh again because he didn't know this was a part of the deal.

“I’m stretching you out.” Josh told him, ignoring Tyler's glare and continuing the pattern.

“Why do you need to stick your fingers in my ass for that?” Tyler turned to look at the wall in front of him, a huff of breath leaving his mouth. “Just stick your dick in me, oh my god.”

“You,” Josh began, pushing his finger into his ass and earning a sharp gasp of pain from Tyler. “Are so annoying. No wonder no one wants to have sex with you.”

“You’re here, aren't you?” Tyler groaned as Josh took his time with his finger, moving it around slowly so he could get used to the feeling of it. He’d have to thank him for that if they were ever back on speaking terms after this.

“I've been wanting to fuck you since I was 15. Now’s not any different.” Josh informed him, feeling Tyler relax around his finger and slowly sliding a second finger into him.

Tyler hissed, dropping his head onto Josh’s pillow. This was so not like fucking a girl. Well, at least now Tyler knew how girls felt whenever he fingered them. Sort of. God, Tyler doesn't know shit.

“Are you good?” Josh asked him and he nodded into the pillow. He was fine, it was a bit painful, sure,  but it was bearable.

He felt Josh’s free hand tug on his hair, pulling his face away from the pillows and towards him. Their lips met in a frantic kiss, as if Josh was trying to make him forget about the fingers moving around in his ass. Josh’s tongue ran along his lip as he scissored his fingers in him and Tyler moaned into Josh’s mouth.

Josh pulled away, a grin on his face and he slid a third finger into him. Tyler groaned and leaned his head into his shoulder and fuck this was starting to feel good instead of painful. He shifted his hips backwards into Josh’s fingers and Josh made a noise of surprise. He curled his fingers in him causing Tyler to jerk forward, the pleasure hitting him in his core and made the blood rush to his dick. A breathless laugh escaped Tyler’s lips, because he never, not once in his 18 years of living, thought he would enjoy this kind of shit.

“Are you just going to finger me or are you actually going to fuck me?” Tyler challenged and Josh pulled his fingers out slowly before his hand gripped his hip and let go.

“I kind of like finger fucking you.” Josh said, pulling at Tyler’s hair again and causing him to make a noise of surprise, a growl at the back of his throat. Josh’s tongue worked it’s way up his neck and he moved to his ear. “I bet I could make you come just by moving my fingers around in you.”

Tyler shuddered, having no doubt in his mind that Josh could. Josh was probably so experienced at this and he _knew_ he was. He would rub it in Tyler’s face any chance he got. Though Josh’s offer _did_ sound amazing, Tyler just wanted to get _fucked._

He grinded his hips backwards into Josh and grinned at Josh’s hand tightening in his hair. It was funny how his role was reversed; usually he was whispering dirty things into his girl's ear and she would be arching into him.

“Appealing, but not why I'm here,” Tyler told him in a bored tone, trying to mask how much all of this turned him on. “Get on with it.”

“I was just making sure you were ready, because you know, this stuff hurts _._ ” Josh let go of his hair to grab the condom from the corner of the bed, quickly sliding it on and slicking the leftover lube from his fingers onto it.

“I've been ready for the past fucking _hour_.” Tyler growled, arching his back again.

His hands and knees were starting to ache from being in the same position so long. Josh pecked his lips quickly, his hand moving to grip the side of his face as he aligned himself with Tyler’s entrance.

“Okay?”

Tyler wanted to rip Josh’s hair out of his head. Why was he choosing now of all times to be considerate of his feelings?

“Yes, I'm good.” Tyler hissed, practically shaking with anticipation. “Fuck me, Josh.”

“Don’t have to be told twice.” Josh muttered and quickly pushed into Tyler, earning a curse of pain from him. He was sure he was seeing stars cloud his vision right now. “I told you it would hurt.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Tyler told him through gritted teeth, his hands gripping the sheets. He stayed there for a few seconds before moving backwards into Josh.

“ _Stop._ ” Josh moaned, his hands gripping Tyler’s hips to stop him. What the fuck? “You feel so good. Just let me…”

Tyler stopped moving and listened to Josh’s panting behind him. Soon enough, Josh began moving again, pushing out of Tyler and back in deeper and earning a moan from both of them.

“Fuck, you're so tight.” Josh breathed, his eyes closing as he thrust back into him slowly, using Tyler’s hips as leverage. Tyler on the other hand was biting his lip so hard he was pretty sure he was going to start bleeding soon.

“ _Josh.”_ He moaned, dropping his head onto the pillow. He wasn't sure if it hurt or if it felt amazing, honestly it was like a mixture of both. He felt Josh’s lips on his shoulder and he whined at the intimacy of it.

Josh reached forward, between him and Tyler and grabbed his cock. He started jerking him, slow strokes that drove Tyler crazy. He rolled his head onto Josh’s shoulder, a tear escaping his eye as he moaned. His senses were overwhelmed and he couldn't control himself when Josh was starting to shift his hips in different angles, picking up a rhythm that had Tyler's head spinning.

“Feel so good, baby.” Josh pulled back out and slammed back into him, earning a yelp from Tyler as tears stung the back of his eyes. “Wanna make you feel so good.”

Tyler reached his hand behind him, turning his neck and pulling Josh’s face to his own. The kiss was sloppy, tongues connecting aggressively trying to match Josh’s thrusts. Josh pulled away, spit covering his lips as he kissed Tyler’s jaw, biting at it quickly before licking his way back up to his ear.

“Does this make you a sinner, Tyler?” Josh whispered lowly, a seductive edge dripping into his voice. Tyler felt his arousal intensify, moving his hips back to meet Josh in a response. “Such a naughty boy, aren't you?”

Tyler moaned, pleasure shooting up his spine. He was close, so close and Josh dirty talking him was so fucking hot he couldn't think of a witty remark.

“Please _,_ Josh!”

Josh began stroking Tyler faster, to the rhythm of his thrusts which were becoming more erratic and sloppy, pounding into him with all the force he could muster up as Tyler tried to match it. It fucking _hurt,_ but Tyler wasn't going to flat out sob during sex. He just bit his lip and tried to focus on the pleasure part instead.

“Fuck Tyler, I'm close, are-” Josh shuddered when Tyler's hips shifted slightly and his muscles clenched around Josh’s dick. “Are you?”

Tyler closed his eyes, focusing on Josh's hand on his dick and the way it felt to have Josh in him. He was beginning to feel a familiar sensation run along the bottom of his spine, making him unable to reply while his muscles spasm'ed drastically and stars exploded in his line of sight. He moaned, spilling all over Josh’s hand and he couldn't even find it in himself to feel bad about it.

It took about 3 more thrusts for Josh to follow suit, riding out his orgasm quickly after him. Josh fell on top of Tyler who was now sprawled onto the bed and their echoing pants filled the silence. After a minute Josh drew his hips back, pulling out of him, a small chuckle leaving his lips.

Tyler rolled over and cuddled himself into Josh’s bed, physically and mentally drained at this point, with one eye looking at Josh who had gotten up to dispose of the condom. Really, what Tyler needed was a shower to clean himself up, but he couldn't be bothered to do that right now. Josh laid back down next to him, the two of them not saying a word and just enjoying each other’s presence. Tyler was drifting off to sleep when he heard Josh’s soft snore next to him and his eyes shot open.

He just had sex with Josh.

What was he thinking? He turned over, his heartbeat accelerating in panic. He felt tears form in his eyes and this time he didn't stop them from falling down soundlessly onto his cheeks and down his face. He was such a shitty person. He deserves every single bad thing that will ever happen to him.

He stayed there, staring up at the ceiling wide awake, wondering not for the first time that day what the fuck he had just done.


	7. Well fuck me if you must (then treat me like an old friend)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let the games begin

Josh woke up alone.

He couldn't say he was surprised really; he had seen this coming a mile away. He also knew that he and Tyler were never going to be the same after that. God, he was such an _idiot_. He practically fucked Tyler knowing he had a girlfriend. Granted, he hated his girlfriend, but still. It was one thing fucking someone and not knowing, but he had told him to go fuck her and then straight up fucked him right after.

What a mess.

He was laying on his back while looking up at the ceiling trying to figure out what the fuck happened last night. How did he go from being ready to get fucked by Michael to getting with Tyler? Tyler wasn't even gay. He would never do this shit willingly. Was it a dare? Had he been asked to do it by his dumb fucking friends to fuck with Josh’s emotions? Tyler knew damn well how he felt -past tense- about him and if that's the case, then Tyler can fuck right off. His good boy act wouldn't work on him again this time.

But in Tyler's defence, Josh had loved every second of it. He never knew how beautiful his name would sound coming out of Tyler’s mouth the way it did last night. Every time he’d moan his name he’d feel as though he was floating, it gave him a high he didn't know he could get without the drugs running through his veins. He had felt so alive when he was with him, it was a damn shame that it would never happen again.

He’d probably never get to talk to him again. No way in hell. Tyler would deny it ever happened. Maybe Josh would believe that he _had_ dreamt it, only the marks on his skin told him otherwise. If he went and saw Tyler right now he’d probably see the purple bruises he had left on his neck, on his _body_ , God that body...He had wanted him so bad and even though he got him, he still wanted more. He was an ungrateful piece of shit, but god dammit he deserved something good to happen to him for once in his life. He was hoping for the impossible though and he knew it.

He didn't even glance over when the door burst open, an overly happy Brendon waltzing into the room with a huge grin on his face.

“I got laid last night,” Brendon sang, pouncing on Josh who grunted at the weight that landed on top of him. Brendon rolled over slightly and quickly noticed Josh wasn't wearing a shirt. His grin widened as he wiggled his eyebrows. “And so did you!”

Josh’s cheeks were pink and he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. No wonder Brendon hadn't come home last night, he probably heard them going at it and crashed at Ryan’s.

“I didn't know you were into redheads, though,” Brendon continued, trailing his fingers down Josh’s chest slowly, tracing the marks Tyler’s mouth had left behind. “Thought you liked brunettes. Mostly.”

“Redhead?” Josh wasn't sure how Brendon knew about Michael, but he wouldn't question it. Brendon was a genius. “No, I didn't fuck the redhead.”

“What?” Brendon mumbled, kissing Josh’s exposed shoulder and looking at him through hooded eyes. “I saw you making out with him?”

Brendon hitched his leg up, tangling it with Josh’s and his hand found it’s way to his thigh, resting it there comfortably.

“Yeah, but we didn't fuck.”

“You didn't get laid, baby?” Brendon nuzzled his face into his neck and Josh closed his eyes, the familiarity of this situation calming him.

He and Brendon were always _way_ too close for comfort. If Brendon wasn't so against relationships, he and Josh would have definitely been a thing.

“Oh, I did get laid.” Josh laughed now, confusing Brendon even more. He turned over so he was facing Brendon and licked his lips. “I fucked Tyler last night.”

That was the wrong thing to say because next thing he knew, Brendon shot up from the bed shouting, “ _You fucking did what?_ ” his voice raising with each word and Josh instantly remembered how this all really sucked major ass.

“I know, Bren.” Josh sat up now too, running his hand over his face in frustration. He knew how fucked up this situation was.

“You're such a fucking idiot.” Brendon told him, pacing around the room, a million thoughts probably running through his head as Josh stared at him. “He has a girlfriend, you fucking homewrecker.”

Josh choked, a laugh bubbling out of his throat as Brendon’s mouth stretched out into a smirk. “Okay first, he told _me_ to fuck _him._ Second, I'm not a homewrecker. Tyler isn't married.”

“He might as well be!” Brendon sighed and dropped face first onto his bed, turning his face from his pillow to look at Josh. “Was it good? I mean, you've wanted to fuck him since high school, right?”

Josh grinned, getting up from his bed in all his naked glory -he didn't miss Brendon’s eyes racking up and down his body- while he pushed open his drawer and put on a clean pair of boxers. He walked over to Brendon’s bed, laying down next to him and cuddling into him while Brendon wrapped his arms around him.

“It was amazing, B.” Josh said dreamily, his smile never leaving his face. “I honestly can't believe it happened.”

“Is he closeted?” Brendon deadpanned, making Josh’s smile fall.

He was positive Tyler wasn't gay _or_ bisexual for that matter. He just knew it deep in his gut and the thought made him sadder than it should.

“No.”

Josh’s voice broke and he cleared his throat, trying to pull away from Brendon. He didn't want to talk about this, he didn't want to deal with any Tyler drama when things had been going so well for the both of them.

“Bi? Pan?” Brendon urged, tightening his arms around Josh so he wouldn't move. He knew Brendon meant well, he really did, but right now he just wished he wasn't so overprotective of him.

“ _No.”_ Josh answered forcefully, pushing at Brendon's chest roughly until he let go. He leaned up, balancing his hand on Brendon's chest and glared at him. “He’s straight, Brendon. Totally straight.”

“So, what?” Brendon grabbed his hand and laced his fingers with his. “He was bored and wanted to fuck you? See what it’s like?”

Josh sighed, cuddling back into him. He wished he knew. He wanted nothing more than to go over to the room next door and demand an explanation, but he just _couldn't._

“I guess. I don't know, maybe. Why else would he agree to it? It makes no sense.”

Brendon stayed quiet for a while, playing with Josh’s fingers and for some reason, he found the action soothing, he felt calm, relaxed even.

He couldn't say he was heartbroken, if he was being honest with himself. When Tyler had called him out back when they had been best friends in high school, he remembered the feeling of his heart shattering into a million pieces. It was an odd feeling really, to want to die because someone didn't feel the same about you. Love was a joke and Josh had learned that the hard way. Or so he keeps telling himself.

The feeling he had when he woke up wasn't heartbreak, it was more a feeling of loneliness. It was a ache in his chest that missed the familiarity of Tyler’s body being pressed up against his. Yeah it sucked, but Josh would survive. He was okay with this feeling. He knew that it would go away soon, once he realized how little Tyler actually meant to him.

“You guys have the same tattoo.” Brendon stated, locking eyes with him. Josh wasn't even surprised he noticed, he was always observing the small things. The little details that most people didn't realize or didn't care to pay attention to.

Josh nodded, pulling his fingers out of Brendon’s and placing them behind his ear. “X marks the spot.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Brendon laughed lightly, making Josh smile.

He never liked explaining this tattoo, mainly because he willed himself to believe it was never there, but then he saw Tyler and it was like a hurricane of emotions hit him and the tattoo was fresh in his mind.

“Tyler and I have been- had been? Anyway, we've been friends a long time.” Josh told him, fingers leaving his ear as he turned his head so Brendon could see the tattoo better. “When Tyler turned 16, it had marked 10 years of friendship between the two of us, which was kind of a big deal. Big enough that we should celebrate it by getting a matching tattoo. We convinced my older cousin to pretend to be our dad and we got ourselves the ‘x’. It kind of signifies how Columbus will always be our home, no matter where we end up in the future. Like, we’d always be able to find each other back here, back _home_.”

“Funny how you guys sort of did.” Brendon pointed out, appreciating the tattoo to Josh’s relief. He knew Brendon wouldn't have outright told him his tattoo was stupid, but he still looked sincere about it. “I like it.”

“Thanks.” Josh told him and Brendon smiled, leaning in and kissing him quickly, a faint touch of lips. Josh wasn't surprised. In fact, he craved the affection.

“You’re cute. Now let's go to Taco Bell, I’m starving.” Brendon pushed him off the bed and Josh groaned.

He put on some clothes, feeling absolutely disgusting because Brendon wasn't letting him go shower. He insisted that Josh _took too long_ and that he was _too hungry to wait_ so he was stuck smelling like sex and looking like shit.

Perfect.

“Brendon seriously, I feel gross.” Josh whined, placing a hat on his head and pouting at his friend through the mirror.

“Yeah, well, tough.” Brendon shrugged, looking up from his phone. “You just cuddled me with dried come all over you.”

“Unbelievable.” Josh muttered, grabbing his leather jacket from his closet.

Once he was ready and they were out the door, Brendon nudged him with his shoulder.

“So, the real question is who topped?” His tone was light, but Josh knew he was serious. He groaned, shoving him away because he was _not_ having this conversation. “Oh, come on! If you asked me who topped between me and Ryan, I'd be honest with you and say-”

“Do you ever shut up?” Josh groaned again, not wanting to hear that either. They reached his car, his crappy Chevy Impala and he got in the driver's side. “I topped. Happy?”

Josh hoped he didn't hear him, he hoped that he would just let it slide and let him live, but of course Brendon had heard him, the guy had great hearing to add to the list of perfect things about him and he just smirked, getting in the passenger seat.

“I knew it.”

 

* * *

 

The wind blew harshly at his face and Tyler was glad he had put on his beanie today. Either way, he was also wearing a scarf to cover the hickey’s Josh left on his neck, but as he shoved his hands in his pocket he couldn't help but wonder how Josh was doing after all this.

Tyler wasn't okay.

For the first time in his life, he could admit to himself that what he did was _wrong,_ fucked up and he knew he shouldn't have done it. While he cried last night he tried to convince himself that it was the only choice he had at the time and he had believed it, until he left Josh alone to go shower. It seemed the hot water cleared his mind because now he felt so fucked -literally and figuratively- that he couldn't even retort at the snarky remarks his friends were throwing his way.

“Yo, Joseph,” Alex turned his head to glance over at him over his shoulder. “You're too quiet. This is weird.”

“And since when do you wear _scarves_?” Jack picked up the end of his scarf and Tyler shoved him away, clearing his throat.

“I don't know, I guess I'm just not feeling well.”

That seemed to satisfy the two of them enough to turn their attention away from him. Tyler didn't know why he was here, they were just walking around campus. They weren't even doing anything productive.

Nonetheless, Tyler felt much better once the attention was off of him, he felt like he could breathe again and he looked over at Jenna who had her arm looped with Debby’s. He frowned, glancing back down and kicking a rock. She deserved so much better than him. He hadn't even thought about her once when he and Josh were...together.

He just didn't feel right after last night. Something felt off about him and he could feel it, deep in his gut though he couldn't pinpoint what it was. Probably regret, though being regretful never felt this way. He felt lonely and exposed even with his friends surrounding him and he didn't know why.

“Hey,” Patrick walked along his side, smiling at him. “You didn't come home last night, I assume you spent the night at Jenna’s?”

Tyler’s frown deepened and suddenly he was running to a nearby garbage can, bending over it and puking his guts out. Jenna was next to him in a flash and he caught a glimpse of her worried face before he turned back to the garbage.

He couldn't do this.

Her hand ran up and down his back soothingly, trying to help him and he just kept puking. He was a disgusting human being and he couldn't believe he’d cheated on her. He coughed, spitting out whatever saliva he had in his mouth and trying to rid himself of the taste of vomit. It didn't work, but it was worth the try. He straightened out, looking down at Jenna’s bright blue eyes and willing himself not to cry.

“Are you okay?” She asked him, reaching up and caressing his cheek and then pressing her hand to his forehead. He nodded, not being able to smile at her. He couldn't, he was already lying to her every second he was with her.

“Jesus, Tyler.” Alex groaned, shaking his head. “Why do you always cause a scene, man?”

“I’m just gonna go back to my room.” Tyler told them, avoiding eye contact. He saw Debby punch Alex softly in the shoulder, calling him a dick before Patrick announced he was gonna come with him.

They walked ten, fifteen feet away from the group before Tyler realized a tear had fallen from his eyes. He reached up quickly to wipe it away.

“I did something bad last night, Patrick,” Tyler blurted out, his breathing accelerating. “But when it happened, it- it felt so right. I don't-”

“What did you do, Tyler?” Patrick cut him off as Tyler choked on a sob, biting his lip.

He looked over at his friend, tears clouding his vision and threatening to spill over completely. Patrick wouldn't judge him, he would never do that. He was too good for that and Tyler knew he could rely on him right now. He needed a shoulder to lean on, a support system that wouldn't attack him.

Tyler didn't say anything until they reached their dorm, climbing up the stairs to their floor and walking up to their room. Patrick hadn't tried getting anything out of him in the time it took them to get here and he was grateful. He glanced at Josh’s door and felt his lip wobble, his teeth catching onto it before rushing into his room. He didn't want to chance seeing Josh or even worse, Brendon.

Brendon would kill him.

“Oh God, I had sex with Josh.” Tyler pulled at his hair and when Patrick’s hand found its way to his shoulder he let out a broken sob, leaning away from him. “Don't be nice to me, tell me how I'm a piece of shit.”

“Tyler, hey, calm down.” Patrick dropped his hand and Tyler felt the tears streaming down his face. He didn't deserve Patrick's kindness and he wasn't sure why he wasn't appalled with him.

“I don't know why I did it.” Tyler sobbed, falling onto his bed, wincing slightly when he fell on his ass and curling in on himself. “I’m not gay, Patrick. Why did I do it?”

Patrick sat down next to him, patting his leg until Tyler calmed down enough to sit up and take a deep breath. He wiped at his eyes, trying to make the tears stop. He groaned and blinked up at the ceiling, all he wanted to do was rewind to yesterday and make it never happen. That wasn't possible though, so he looked at Patrick who smiled sadly at him and nodded, waiting for him to talk. He wasn't going to lie, he did enjoy it, but now he hated himself _and_ his ass was sore; where was the fucking benefit?

“It started off with this stupid dream about us making out and then I just kept getting jealous of the guys he was with. I mean, I kept catching him with this one guy, Michael,” Tyler could taste the bitterness of his voice as he turned his body to look at Patrick. “And I was just so, so angry. And I shouldn't have been because this is Josh, you know, a kid I've known since I was 6 and I don't- I _shouldn't_ think things like this about my best friend.”

Tyler frowned, a sigh leaving his parted lips. Not his best friend anymore. “But fuck, he grew up since I last saw him. Have you seen his arms, ‘Trick? They're _huge.”_

“Maybe you're just attracted to him?” Patrick offered, shrugging his shoulders.

“No, I'm straight. I’m dating Jenna.” Tyler shook his head and groaned again, placing his head in his hands. “Fuck.”

“Man, not to be rude, but guys don't get off to their best friends instead of their girlfriends unless they're attracted to them.” Patrick’s voice was calm, as if he was gently reminding him to do something and Tyler wasn't impressed.

“Fuck you, dude.” Tyler shoved him away, glaring at him. Patrick just shrugged again.

“Maybe it was in the moment. If you guys are best friends, you'll be able to move past it.” Patrick told him, as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

“How do we move past it? I don't know what to do.” Tyler felt so lost, he’d never had to deal with a situation like this before in his life.

What kind of person fucks their best friend _in the moment?_

“You should start by going over and talking to him.”

Tyler fell onto his pillow and stared ahead, not replying. He knew he'd have to go speak to him eventually. Better now then awkwardly in the halls later, right?

 

* * *

 

Josh was practically used to his life throwing him shit whenever things started to look up for him. He didn't even get sad anymore at this point; he just dealt with it and moved on. No harm, no foul. He could deal with getting his heart broken, losing friends, failing classes, forgetting to take meds, but he _would not_ stand for Brendon forgetting to fill up his car with gas and therefore meaning they couldn't get to Taco Bell.

“I can't believe you,” Josh looked around the road after calling roadside assistance to come bring them some fucking gas. “I want to murder you right now.”

“You know I love it when you talk dirty.” Brendon stuck his tongue out, licking his lip seductively and earning him a smack.

They hadn't even made it far, Josh could still see the damn school buildings from where he stood. His trust had been betrayed and Brendon didn't deserve his company.

“I’m going back to our room,” Josh turned to him and pressed a finger to Brendon’s chest. “ _You_ are going to stay here and wait for the car insurance place.”

“That'll be so long and boring.” Brendon whined, smacking his hand off his chest.

“Who’s fault is that?” Brendon hung his head and sighed, defeated. Josh didn't relent. “You're going to fix this shit and bring me Taco Bell or our friendship is over.”

“Don't be so dramatic.” Brendon rolled his eyes. He leaned on the trunk of the car, pulling his hands out of his pockets and Josh knew he was gonna try and get him to stay.

He tried moving away from him, but Brendon was quicker than Josh, grabbing his jacket and pulling him forward, pressing his lips to his desperately. Brendon shoved his tongue into Josh’s mouth the moment he gasped in surprise and he melted into him, pressing his body closer to Brendon’s before pulling away and resting his forehead with his.

“Bye, Brendon.” Josh breathed, leaning away from him and beginning to walk away from the car, getting a few feet away from him.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and already saw a ‘ _I miss you :(‘_ text from Brendon. He turned and gave him the finger, smiling when he heard Brendon’s laugh.

Josh: _jerk._

Brendon: _punk._

Josh: _prick._

Brendon: _come back to me bb_

Josh: _nah_

Brendon: _please?_

Josh: _taco bell._

Brendon: _I'll blow u in front of everyone if u come back_

Josh shook his head, shoving his phone in his pocket and placing his hands in them too because it was really cold out. His leather jacket could only do so much and his hat was borderline about to be blown off his head. On the upside, at least now Josh could go shower.

And that’s what he did. As soon as he got back to his dorm, he went to grab a fresh set of clothes and made his way over to the bathroom to shower.

Josh stood there, placing a hand on the wall and letting the warm water wash over him. He watched as the red left his hair, sliding down his body and down the drain and he realized he’d have to redye it again soon, maybe change up the colour. He closed his eyes and when he opened them he sighed, grabbing the shampoo bottle he'd brought and quickly scrubbed at his hair. He did the same for his body, making sure to get any white shit off of him.

As soon as he was done, he turned off the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his hips. He walked over to the mirror, wiping at it to get the steam off and he noticed the purple bruises on his skin. His fingers went up to touch one near his collarbone and then trailed over to the ones on his neck. He smirked, Tyler had a mouth on him and he wasn't surprised. He could only imagine how amazing a blowjob from him would be. His pretty mouth was practically made for that stuff. Just thinking about his perfectly plump, pink lips wrapping themselves around his cock made his dick twitch.

Josh sighed, shaking his head. He’d have to forget about that shit, it wouldn't happen. The first time was a fucking miracle in itself. He unwrapped the towel, slipping on his boxers and a pair of red basketball shorts. He pulled a white tank top over his head, grabbed his shit and left the bathroom and was back in his room.

When he put his dirty clothes is his laundry basket, he grabbed at his drumsticks. He didn't have a drum set in here like he did at home, but he would still find a way to tap away and create some beats. It’s what he was doing for who knows how long when he heard a knock at the door. Josh pursed his lips; Brendon hadn't had to wait long, lucky him.

Josh turned to open the door, praying for Brendon to have come through and brought him his damn TB.

What he didn't expect was to see Tyler standing there, looking like a lost puppy. He didn't expect it at all and he was pretty sure the look on his face would have been laughable if not for their situation. Tyler gulped audibly, making Josh feel slightly bad for him. Slightly.

“Hi, Josh.” Tyler stuttered, shoving his shaking hands in his pockets. Josh raised an eyebrow, leaning on the doorframe.

“Hi?” He said slowly, enjoying the fact that he can make Tyler squirm.

“I’m just, I'm here to, uh.” He paused to take a breath, looking up at Josh through those long lashes. “I'm sorry, I'm just. I'm sorry. Okay? I don't- I’m not sure what else to say.”

Tyler was apologizing. This was new and it made Josh sympathize with him a bit after everything that's happened. Way to save the friendship and all that jazz type of feels.

He noticed that Tyler was wearing a black hoodie and this scarf with weird designs on it, probably to hide the fact Josh had marked him up last night and he couldn't help the pleased feeling that he felt.

“Cool,” Josh smirked, nodding his head, nonchalant as ever. “Wanna blaze?”

“Fuck yes _.”_ Tyler practically shoved his way into the room and sat down on Josh’s bed, the very same one Josh had fucked him in last night. What a nice thought.

Josh walked over to Brendon’s drawer, grabbing the bag and paper Tyler had thrown in there and bringing it over to his desk. He quickly rolled up a joint for them, reaching for his lighter while placing the joint in his mouth and lighting it.

He closed his eyes, loving the feeling of his chest expanding, it was so familiar and comforting at this point that he welcomed it with open arms. He blew out the smoke, sitting next to Tyler carelessly and handing it to him.

They went on sharing the joint between each other, until they were both just smiling at each other fondly. Josh had to stop himself countless times from touching Tyler’s face and repeatedly call him beautiful. That would not end well, high or not, but god damn is Tyler beautiful to him.

“You know,” Tyler leaned in closer to him and Josh held his breath. “I really enjoyed last night.”

“Really?” Josh asked him incredulous, looking at him in awe. “Me t-”

Tyler had taken another puff from the spliff and had cut Josh off with a kiss. Josh moaned, opening his mouth and letting Tyler breathe the smoke into his lungs. Last time they did this, he was the one doing this to Tyler. He reached up and placed his hand on Tyler’s cheek, pulling away and breathing the smoke out slowly, their eyes never leaving the others. Tyler watched him, his pupils dilating as his tongue swept across those perfect lips of his and Josh has to fight the urge to kiss him now, too.

“No,” Tyler shook his head and bit his lip, releasing it a second later. “This can't happen, I can't do this, I'm not-”

“Tyler, you're not gay. I get it.” Josh assured him, smiling softly at him. “Just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you like them. I mean, I've had sex with girls after all.”

Tyler laughed softly next to him then sighed. “What am I doing, Josh? It feels so right to be with you right now, but once I leave the room the guilt basically eats me alive.”

“You don't have to do this. _We_ don't have to do anything you don't want to.” Josh tried making Tyler more comfortable with the situation, only Tyler just glared at him.

“I _like_ doing things with you!” He raised his voice and then deflated like a balloon. “I shouldn't, right? It’s wrong. You're my best friend. _It’s wrong._ Tell me it’s wrong.”

“I wouldn't call it wrong, no,” Josh shrugged. “It’s just sex. No feelings attached. You know that’s a thing, right?”

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded, letting the idea sink in. “Yeah, you're right. This is just sex, nothing more.”

“Exactly.” Josh leaned in, trying to give Tyler time to push him away in case he truly didn't want this. He may be high, but he still knew what consent was.

Tyler lunged forward, capturing his lips with his again and wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck, pulling him closer. Tyler’s lips tasted like mint, as if he'd just brushed his teeth and when their tongues met and lit up a fire in his stomach, he tilted his head to the side to deepen the kiss.

Tyler crawled into his lap, straddling his knee and pulling away for air. Josh’s hands untangled the scarf from his neck and dropped it on the floor. He giggled when he saw the mark on Tyler’s neck, he knew it, he knew he hadn't dreamt it!

Tyler unzipped his hoodie, shrugging it off his shoulders and Josh quickly pulled the shirt over his head too, wanting nothing more than to get him out of his clothes. Tyler reached down and tugged Josh’s shirt over his head as well, tossing it to the other side of the room, his hands resting on his built chest.

Tyler seemed to have realized the tightness of his jeans and grinded down on Josh’s knee in order to relieve himself of some of the tension. Josh watched as Tyler’s mouth fell open in pure bliss, the moan that left his mouth absolutely sinful.

Tyler lifted his hips up, rocking them onto Josh's knee again, only this time his hands found Josh's neck and his thumbs pressed into his jaw, making him look up at him. Tyler kissed him and continued his rhythm on Josh’s thigh, moaning like a little virgin who has never been touched before and Josh has never felt more alive, swallowing the sounds with complete and utter fascination.

“You’re doing so good, baby boy,” Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s hips guiding him down once he pulled away from the kiss. “That's it baby, come on.”

Tyler moaned again, closing his eyes and biting at his cherry lips and Josh could care less about his own hard on at this point, he just needed Tyler to continue getting off to this. All he wanted was for Tyler to feel good and his eyes drank up every detail of the moment, making him rock hard in his own shorts.

“You look so fucking pretty, Ty,” Josh told him breathlessly, watching Tyler pick up his pace desperately and leaning up to kiss his outstretched neck. He tugged at the already bruised skin with his teeth, earning a gasp from the boy on top of him. “I bet you can get off just like this without me even touching you, can't you, Tyler?”

Tyler tried to reply, but all that came out were breathless moans and pants as he began to shake and grind down onto his thigh again. Josh's next words came out in more of a growl than anything else, the _lust_ he felt for this boy taking over his thoughts.

“Yeah, Tyler, just like that. Does it feel good, baby boy? God, I want you so bad right now, just wanna fuck you so hard you'll feel me for _days_ -”

Tyler kissed him to stop from shouting, his orgasm hitting him hard as he accidentally bit down on Josh's lip enough to make him bleed. Josh didn't care at all, he felt on top of the world. His lower lip was sucked between Tyler’s lips as he licked away the blood and it shouldn't be that attractive, but Josh's head was spinning with admiration. When Tyler pulled away, an apologetic look on his face as he leaned his forehead against his, Josh found himself laughing.

“That felt really good.” Tyler whispered, his red eyes crinkling at the sides as he smiled.

“I can make you feel even better.” Josh kissed him again, the feel of Tyler’s lips alone making him feel as though he was in another world entirely.

Besides, it was practically impossible to not kiss his pouty lips. They were a sin in itself and it was a miracle Josh was so behaved and gentle with him. 

“ _Please.”_ Tyler choked and it sounded so broken and desperate that Josh didn't even think twice before pushing Tyler further onto the bed and climbing on top of him.

They make out for a while, grinding desperately onto each other before Josh started kissing down his neck, down his chest and biting a bruise onto it, while his other hand worked on unzipping Tyler’s jeans.

Once he’d successfully opened them, ignoring the sticky, wetness there, he nudged Tyler’s hips, making him lift them up and pulled his pants down, delighted to see that he was already half-hard for him again already.

Tyler ducked his head embarassed before he kicked his jeans the rest of the way off and gave Josh an expectant look, a silent demand for him to do the same. Josh scrambled off of him, discarding himself of his shorts and boxers as fast as he could as he watched Tyler do the same, moaning at the fact he’d get to do this again.

Tyler began stroking the length of his dick as he waited for Josh to grab the lube from the corner of the bed where he’d left it last night and quickly squirting it on his fingers.

“No offence,” Josh crawled between Tyler’s knees, leaning down and kissing his abdomen. “But I'm not fucking you with your socks on.”

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me.” Tyler shoved him off, taking off his socks and getting back in the same position as before, pulling Josh along with him. He wrapped his legs around Josh’s hips, locking his ankles together and pushing their bodies closer together making Josh’s breath hitch. Tyler smirked lazily up at him. “Good enough for you, Joshie?”

“God, _yes_.” Josh went in to kiss him, slow and deep, trying to distract Tyler from the feeling of him sliding his finger past the ring of muscle of his ass. Tyler gasped into the kiss, arching his back and letting Josh’s tongue slip past his lips easily.

Tyler's hand still stroked at his dick, while the other came up and wrapped itself around Josh’s neck, gently tugging on the hair at the base of it. Josh slid a second finger into him easily, Tyler biting at his lip as he pulled away from him to roll his head to the side in pleasure. Josh couldn't believe how good Tyler looked like this, mouth slightly open and letting little moans pass through it, eyes hooded with lust when they locked with his own.

“Do you need more or are you good?” Josh breathed, scissoring his fingers in him painfully slow just to hear Tyler’s sharp intake of breath.

“I’m good,” Tyler shifted his hips as Josh pulled out his fingers and reaching for a condom and lube again. He rolled it along his dick and slicked himself up again, turning back to Tyler. “How do you want me today, Joshie?”

Josh choked slightly, Tyler’s smirk widening as he leaned forward on his elbows expectantly, his hand no longer on his cock. For a second, Josh wanted to tell him to ride him, but he quickly remembered Tyler would probably never, so he settled for something else.

“How about on your back?” Josh suggested, Tyler’s smile turning into a confused one. “I wanna see that pretty face of yours this time.”

Josh got in between Tyler's legs again once he had nodded at the idea, pushing one of Tyler’s legs over his shoulder and ignoring his gasp of surprise. He grinned, kissing his inner thigh, before he positioned himself right and gently pushed into him.

Josh rolled his head back when he met no resistance this time, moaning out Tyler's name. God, he was so tight, he couldn't believe how lucky he was right now. Josh suddenly believed in every God out there and he wanted to thank them all for letting this happen again.

Josh didn't waste time, he leaned down on his elbows, kissing Tyler quickly before fucking into him hard and fast. He felt a smile curl on his lips when Tyler's eyes slipped shut in obvious enjoyment and his first thought was to make him feel even more pleasure, reaching down between the two of them and grabbing Tyler’s dick, stroking him as he continued thrusting into him, practically jerking the bed along with them. Tyler’s moans and pants and deep breaths made Josh feel so incredibly close that he could have been embarrassed, but he wasn't going to let go until Tyler was ready too.

His thrusts had become slower and deeper, trying to hit Tyler’s prostate and once he did Tyler moaned and began stuttering up to him, eyes watering.

“I'm close, oh _God,_ keep doing that, oh, m'gonna-”

Josh did as he was told, wanting Tyler to feel good and fuck, he felt so good too, this was more than he ever wanted and those pretty red lips were just begging to be kissed. Josh leaned down to kiss him again, Tyler reciprocating almost immediately had it not been for the fact he’d let out a sharp moan into his mouth and coming all over his hand.

Josh pulled away gasping, thrusting into him one last time before he felt the tension at the bottom of his spine and felt his entire body shudder. He let out a low, throaty moan and quickly pulled out of Tyler, dropping down next to him, breathing hard.

“I think that was better than the first time.” Tyler said next to him, his echoing breaths matching Josh’s.

Josh chuckled, getting off the bed and pulling off the condom. He had to agree with him on that, it felt twice as good this time then it had last night. He walked over to his desk, throwing the condom away and picked up the pack of cigarettes, quickly pulling one out and sticking it in his mouth.

“I know I shouldn't tell you, but smoking is bad for you.” Tyler commented as he lit it, blowing the smoke out his nose as he laughed at the way Tyler was looking at him all cockily, laying on his side now with the covers between his legs.

“Hmm, yeah,” Josh took another puff, smiling at Tyler. “So’s fucking a dude with a girlfriend, but I'm not complaining am I?”

“Aw, fuck me.” Tyler dropped his head on the pillow, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

“Already did.” Josh giggled at the pillow that was thrown at him and the glare aimed his way. “If it bothers you so much then let’s not fuck anymore.”

“It’s not that it bothers me, Josh.” Tyler said, looking at him thoughtfully. “I mean, it does. I don't like cheating on Jenna, but I'm not really?”

“Please elaborate, oh wise one.” Josh gestured for him to continue, slightly curious, but mostly excited to hear Tyler’s theory and thought process, because really, this entire situation still made zero sense to him.

“Like, Jenna wants to save herself for marriage, you know? And I'm still a boy, I have my needs and really, it doesn't count if it’s with you Josh, no offence.” Tyler watched his facial reaction, but Josh just laughed again.

“You’re telling me you haven't had sex for almost two years?” Josh kept chuckling as Tyler nodded, a groan of embarrassment leaving his lips and pink making its way to his cheeks. “Fuck, that sucks, bro.”

“I _know_ , Josh. Shut up.” Tyler flipped him off, lying down on his back again and staring at the ceiling. “So, do you want to continue this? It benefits both of us.”

“I don't know, man.” Josh snubbed his cigarette in the ashtray on his desk and walked back to the bed to stare down at Tyler. “Feels kind of weird fucking you when your girlfriend could catch us at any time.”

“Well I can't break up with her, if that's what you're saying.” Tyler scoffed and Josh literally saw his face light up as he sat up quickly. “In my psychology class we sort of learned that people feel better about doing shitty things once they turn it into a game. So like, if someone doesn't like washing dishes, they'll make it into a game of how fast they could finish doing them, you know?”

“Your point?” Josh asked, smiling fondly at the determined look on Tyler’s face.

“My _point_ is let’s make this into a game.”

Josh thought it over. There was definitely some pros to this whole thing. The main one being that he could be with Tyler, but at the same time he had to think of the cons here. This wasn't just about him because yeah, Tyler had a girlfriend and it was shitty. Yeah, Tyler was technically straight and Josh knew he'd never have a happy ending with this.

But, at the same time, this was still something he wanted to do, happy ending or not. It’s all a part of growing up, right? Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s not, but all Josh knew was that so far, this was going really good and he was enjoying himself with this.

“Okay and if we play this game of yours, what kind would it be? What’s the objective here?” Josh ran his fingers along Tyler’s arm and watched the goosebumps rise on his skin.

“Huh, I don't know.” Tyler looked up at him and a slow, mischievous smirk curled around Josh’s lips.

“First person to fall in love loses.” Josh’s fingers stilled on his skin as Tyler considered this.

“Try not to fall in love with me again or else this game will be over sooner than expected.” Tyler grabbed at Josh's jaw, kissing it softly.

“Trust me, you'll be the one to fall this time.” Josh climbed back on top of Tyler's naked body, the only thing separating them was the thin sheet as Tyler’s arms already began travelling up and down his sides slowly.

“I didn't fall for you last time. Do I need to remind you of our terribly amazing past, Jishwa?” Tyler rested his hand on Josh’s abdomen, innocent brown eyes glancing up at Josh’s.

Josh leaned in close, pressing a kiss to Tyler's neck, moving up his jaw and to his ear. Tyler let out a breath when he bit at his earlobe.

“That was before you had my mouth around your cock, babe.” He whispered seductively in his ear and Tyler turned his face to kiss him, lips meeting in a smack.

“So, what do you say?” Tyler’s voice was nearing desperation now and Josh was tempted to drive him crazy.

“I don't know,” Josh pulled away, placing his hand on his chin in a thoughtful expression. “Are you sure it’s not just the weed talking right now?”

“Positive.” He replied immediately and Josh smiled, slowly kissing down Tyler's chest, licking at his nipple and going lower and lower, moving the white sheet away from his body and watching Tyler bite his lip to stop himself from moaning.

“Then you've got yourself a deal, Tyler Joseph.”

 

* * *

 

“Thanks for coming with me to Taco Bell, guys.” Brendon sighed once he’d picked up Pete and Patrick. “I've been losing my mind for like, an hour and a half waiting for those assholes to get here and give me gas.”

“No problem, Brendon.” Patrick said happily from the backseat, glancing out the window. Brendon had only been introduced to him a few weeks ago by Pete, but he was sure Patrick was a saint of some sort. How he ended up with Pete, the devil, was beyond him.

“Are you buying us Taco Bell for this?” Pete asked, looking at him from the passenger seat.

“Hell no,” Brendon scoffed, breaking sharply and causing Pete to lurch forward with a curse. “I have to get Josh something.”

“Speaking of Josh,” Pete grinned, glancing at Patrick quickly before continuing. “He’s been getting down with Tyler, did you know that?”

“No fucking way?” Brendon gasped, feigning shock. “Of course I knew that, dumb fuck. Josh is totally in love with him.”

“Are you serious?” Brendon glanced at Patrick's gaping face in the rearview mirror and shrugged focusing back on the road.

“Not anymore, but he used to be.”

“Tyler’s literally in denial about his feelings for him.” Patrick told the two of them and Brendon raised his eyebrows. That was interesting information to have.

“It’s like a fucking Shakespearean play.” Brendon said without thinking, then elaborated when he got confused looks. “Boy loves his best friend, best friend doesn't feel it’s right, unrequited love, mostly ends in death? Come on, you've never read a Shakespeare play in high school?”

They shook their heads and muttered something about Romeo and Juliet and Brendon was appalled. He’d had to act in a couple of Shakespeare plays throughout high school. A Midsummer Night’s dream, The Taming of the Shrew, he even did _Othello_ , though he hadn't had a main part in that because he was only a junior at that time. His favourite was by far The Taming of the Shrew; there was just something appealing about acting in a play, within a play and so on. That, and Brendon was a big fan of Shakespeare's comedies.

Honestly, the guy was a complete asshole, how can anyone not like his humour?

Either way, they got to Taco Bell, subject being changed altogether and made their way back to campus. Brendon parked the car, getting out with his friends and they all went up the stairs to his floor, Hoodie waving at them on the way and going down the hall towards his room.

“Wait!” Pete yanked Brendon back and stopped Brendon, pointing in front of him where Tyler was fumbling -shirtless- for his room key, no doubt having just got out of the room next to his. Brendon looked him over, familiar purple bruises forming along his neck and chest.

“Oh, this is rich!” Brendon laughed, making Tyler jump. He turned towards Brendon, who had walked up next to him to lean on the wall. “Why are you sneaking around in my room?”

“Um,” Tyler looked like a deer caught in headlights and it made Brendon laugh again. This was the most excitement he’d had all day, save Josh getting mad at him. “I went to apologize to Josh, we smoked and then he fell asleep.”

“That sounds like something Josh would do.” Pete said, nodding his hello to Tyler and Patrick smiled at him too.

It didn't sound _anything_ like Josh, really. Brendon would know, he and Josh have gotten high way too many times for him not to. Not once had he fallen asleep during his highs, so either Tyler was lying or Josh was faking it to get Tyler away from him.

“I’m actually really tired too so.” He unlocked his door and gave them a sheepish smile, waving and stumbling inside without another word.

Brendon tilted his head, dumbstruck. What the fuck was going on right now? He opened the door to his room, walking over to Josh’s bed and sure enough, he was sleeping. He dropped the Taco Bell bag on his chest.

“Wake up,” Brendon ordered, ignoring Josh’s groan of protest. “Explain. Now.”

“Nothing happened, go away.” He waved a hand and Brendon caught it, pulling his body up. Brendon would have laughed, Josh looked so unbelievably cute and grumpy, but he had to put on his tough guy exterior.

“Bullshit.”

“Okay, _fine._ We fucked again.” He rolled his eyes and opened the Taco Bell bag, opening his crunch wrap slowly as if it was fragile.

“Fuck.” Patrick face palmed next to him, shaking his head. Fuck was right, what was Josh thinking in that small head of his?

“He has to be bi, right?” Brendon turned to Pete and Patrick, shushing Josh when he moaned at how good his food was. “I mean, fuck a dude once, you can claim that’s a mistake, but fuck the same dude twice? That’s intentional.”

“Not if he’s in denial, you dumbass.” Pete smacked him in the back of the head, as if asking him to use his brain for once. Brendon glared at him, somewhat annoyed. He didn't want his friend to be played, though after spending so much time with Tyler, he didn't think he had it in him to hurt Josh.

“Plus he’s still with Jenna, so what the fuck?” Patrick sighed, rubbing his temples.

“Well, that's simple,” Brendon waved a hand dismissively, trying to plan something out. “We just gotta get her out of the picture.”

“Bren, we aren't going to kill her.” Patrick said sternly, making Brendon freeze. Pete burst into laughter and Josh glanced at him confused. He was obviously too focused on his food to care about the conversation.

“I wasn't going to kill her! Jesus, ‘Trick, you're not innocent at all, you fraud.” Brendon shook his head, smile forming on his face from the blush that spread on Patrick's cheeks.

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” Josh mumbled around his food, looking at Brendon with those puppy dog eyes of his.

“Nothing.” All three of them said at the same time and Josh sighed, uncaring.

“Whatever, I'm way too high for this shit anyway.”

“Okay, what’s our plan.” Pete asked seriously, eyeing Josh as he grinned stupidly back at him.

Josh stuck a fry in his mouth, closing his eyes and appreciating the taste while Brendon shook his head at him again. The munchies hit Josh hard. Brendon looked back at Pete, smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth and Pete could probably guess what he was going to say by the look that formed on his face.

“We’re going to throw a party.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, I literally submitted this story as my creative writing final and got 90%. how sick is that? Andrew if u see this, u were my fave prof. lmao.


	8. R.I.P to my youth (and you can call this the funeral)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, I am so sorry for the huge wait for this chapter. 
> 
> Honestly I just didn't feel like writing because school is draining, but as a huge I'm sorry gift, this chapter is over 15k words. I would have seperated it into two chapters, but I feel that it would have been cut off wrong.
> 
> I also added some stuff I wasn't originally going to add, so yeah, enjoy this and thanks for reading. :)

There are certain things you learn in life when you move away from home, Josh figured. The first is that grocery shopping while high is a terrible idea. The second is that grocery shopping while high with _Brendon_ of all people is an even worse idea. The third is that this was exactly what he was doing right now and honestly, there was no going back from the shitstorm that the two of them were surely about to cause.

“So, like, do we need any of these yellow things?” Brendon held up a stack of bananas and Josh shook his head, laughing. “Where are the chips and shit. Why are we in the healthy section? We don't eat healthy. Are you going on a diet like all these assholes?”

Brendon paused, looking around at the people glaring at him and shot them his charming smile.

“Sorry, but it's true.” He turned back to Josh. “Anyway, why are we here, I bet I could go with eating Taco Bell for the rest of my life.”

“Shit, same,” Josh turned down an aisle, glancing at the bags of chips - Brendon squealed, literally - and picking up a pack of redbull. “But, like, we’d die of heart attacks probably.”

“We’ll die anyway.” Brendon shoved a bunch of chips into their cart like a little kid. “Don't fight me, but does Tyler like Taco Bell?”

Josh stopped walking and nothing made sense anymore. He didn't know if Tyler liked Taco Bell. He didn't know what Tyler would order, or if he liked having the spicy sauce instead of mild, or if he drank baja blasts. How could this happen? What if Tyler hated it? That just wouldn't do.

“I'm just messing with you, buddy.” Great, now Brendon was friendzoning him. “How are things with Ty-Guy anyway?”

“We’re best friends who occasionally enjoy a good fuck together,” Josh walked up to a cashier and emptied his basket, which wasn't much. Just a few apples, redbull, chips and skittles. “Kind of like us.”

“No shit?” Brendon said way too loudly and the cashier coughed, clearly uncomfortable. Brendon shot her a glare. “Hey don't listen to our conversation, lady. I can sue you for invasion of privacy. Anyway, isn't he dating someone? That blonde bitch?”

Josh giggled and waved his credit card when the cashier quietly asked his method of payment and pushed his card into the slot. “Yeah, it sucks.”

He took his card out once it was approved and took his bagged belongings, Brendon helping him out.

“I don't get it.” Brendon shook his head and Josh frowned, because really, Tyler's idea was _dumb._

“Listen, let's not, please?” They got to Josh’s car and he pushed open the trunk to put the bags. “I don't get it any more than you do and I'm sorta freaking out, but playing it cool, you know?”

“Oh yeah, I totally get it.” Brendon nodded, shutting the trunk and turning to Josh. “You look stressed, why are you stressed? Never mind that, let's go to the pet store over there first. Scientists say animals destress people.”

The two of them didn’t even make it inside the pet store because for sim reason unbeknownst to them outside the store there was a cage full of kittens just playing around together, the top part of the cage pulled off. Brendon and Josh are so invested in staring at the kittens when all of a sudden Josh locks eyes with this beautiful black one lying by itself away from the other kittens, it's eyes an emerald green and so wide and innocent.

It got up and stretched before pawing up at the cage for Josh to pick him up. He did, lifting him up almost delicately as if the cat would break if he wasn't too careful. It was like a call from God or something, because why else would the kitten have gotten up for him _right_ as they locked eyes? It was that or illuminati, no in betweens. Josh held him to his chest, cooing at it softly while an idea forming in his head.

“Brendon, I need him.” Josh whispers, the cats paws resting on his chest as it purred.

“Who, Tyler?” Brendon answered cluelessly, smiling down at the other kittens and petting them. “I know.”

“No! The _kitten._ And Tyler too, but mostly the kitten right now. Look at how sad he is here B, we need him.”

“Uh, I don't think we can afford him, Jo-”

“We need him.” Josh’s voice was so final, he made sure there wasn’t any room for negotiation in the voice he used and Brendon just nodded, suddenly alert as he looked around to make sure no one was focusing on them.

Then the two are bolting for Josh’s car, kitten in his arms and Brendon shoving himself into the driver's side while Josh quickly buckles up next to him, trying not to jostle his new friend. The cat nudged a paw against him before curling up on his lap, happily resting his head on his paws. The two boys began giggling so loud and so obnoxiously as Brendon sped away from there, but Josh was just so, so happy he couldn't even bring himself to stop.

 

\---

 

Once the two of them are back at their dorm, climbing up the stairs to their floor - Brendon holding the groceries and Josh holding the cat - Brendon stopped dead in his tracks.

“Josh, we aren't allowed animals in our room.”

“Well, no one is going to find out.” Josh kissed the top of his cats head, a silent promise that he wouldn't let anything happen to him.

“Hoodie is inspecting rooms right now and he’s-” Brendon stops short, face going blank as they hear Hoodie’s voice in the room next to them.

Josh looked behind Brendon and breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed it was Tyler’s door. He gestured for Brendon to knock on it quickly and the two of them were shaking in anticipation as they waited for the door to open and when it did, revealing a tired Tyler in nothing but sweats.

They shoved their way inside.

“What the hell?” Tyler asked startled, while Patrick snickered from his bed. He closed the door and looked at Josh, practically burning him with his stare.

“Fuck, where do we hide him, Brendon?” Josh cradled his car filled arms to his chest and stared back at Tyler, wanting nothing more than to walk up to him and kiss him, but he's got to protect the cat right now.

Let it be known that Josh's priorities were in the right place.

“Why do you have a kitten?” Tyler questioned slowly, taking a step toward Josh and lifting his hand to pet the cat. Josh opened his mouth to answer, to give a full, detailed and practical reason as to why he has the cat when a knock sounded at the door.

“Oh, _fuck.”_ Brendon jumped onto Tyler’s bed and then made a face. “Ew, have you two fucked in here?”

“Brendon! The fucking cat, you asshole!” Josh whisper-yelled, motioning to the cat in a _where-the-fuck-do-I-hide-it_ gesture.

Patrick got up seeing as no one was going to answer the door and Josh panicked. He wouldn't hold it against Tyler if he socked him right in the head, but in this moment all that mattered was the cat and the only viable thought in Josh’s head was to pull at Tyler’s sweats and shove the cat inside.

“Josh!” Tyler’s voice was way too high pitched and way too angry. Josh was a dead man, he knew it, but the _cat._

_The cat._

“Yo.” Hoodie said from the door when Patrick greeted him, letting him into the room. Hoodie glanced at him and Brendon, before turning to Tyler.

“Why do you look so nervous?” Hoodie eyed him sharply and Josh could see the flush forming up his neck.

“I’m not.” Tyler swallowed and Josh was internally proud at how steady his voice came out.

Hoodie shrugged and walked over to his dresser, examining it slowly as if he actually cared. Josh and Brendon knew Hoodie better by now. The guy couldn't give less of a shit if he tried.

As Josh felt his body begin to relax, the cat let out the smallest, faintest meow, it was practically silent, but it increased his adrenaline all over again. This was some mission impossible shit he was trying to pull and if they got away with it he’d be amazed. Everyone’s eyes widened as they glanced at each other and back over at Hoodie before Josh and Brendon cleared their throats and Tyler and Patrick coughed loudly into their arms.

“The fuck is wrong with you guys?” Hoodie shook his head, turning around to nudge Brendon’s shoulder. “Are you guys high?”

“Yes.” Brendon smirked up at Hoodie at the same time that Tyler shouted “No!”.

Josh couldn't help the laugh that left his lips, but when Tyler turned his glare on him, he shut his mouth so damn quick he’s surprised he didn't crack a tooth or something. Yeah, okay, he’s almost positive he’s going to get murdered in his sleep tonight.

“Whatever, good enough for me,” Hoodie shrugged, turning to point at him and Brendon. “Do I need to come inspect your room?”

“Bro, you already know what's in our room.” Brendon chuckled and Hoodie nodded his agreement before walking out the door without another word.

Josh thought he was off the hook. He thought he made it through this and he could keep his cat now without a problem and what the _fuck,_ how had they managed that? He thought that Tyler pulling his pants down was _definitely_ him celebrating the fact Josh could keep the cat and _not_ the fact he wanted to strangle him with said pants.

“Dude, what the fuck? Did you steal a fucking cat?” Tyler picked up the black cat before single handedly pulling his sweats back up, much to Josh’s disapproval. “Cats aren't even allowed in our dorms, dumbass.”

Josh gasped, walking up to Tyler and grabbing his cat back into his arms and hugging it to his chest.

“It’s okay baby boy, daddy doesn't mean it,” Josh cooed, kissing the top of its head again. “He loves you, don't worry.”

Tyler stared at Josh in pure disbelief, opening his mouth before shutting it and glancing towards Brendon who shrugged in reply to his silent question and was no help at all. Josh didn't understand what the big deal was; so he shoved the cat down his pants. Who cares. The cat was safe and so were they.

Unless he and Brendon went to prison for stealing the kitten. That would be bad, but it would have been worth it.

“Josh, I'm not it’s dad.”

That just wouldn't fucking do.

“How are you going to deny him!” Josh stepped closer to him and practically shoved the cat in Tyler’s face while trying his best to give him puppy dog eyes, too. Josh knew how well the eyes worked on others, it was like his secret weapon, really.

The cat meowed again, pawing at Tyler and he sighed, his resolve draining away completely as he grabbed the kitten from Josh’s hands and pet it between the ears.

“Fine, we’ll keep it.” Tyler smiled down at the purring cat as Josh clapped his hands excitedly. Josh didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry at the fact that he and Tyler owned a kitten together now.

“This is so domestically gay,” Brendon burst into hysterics on Tyler’s bed, Patrick joining in. “You two don't even live in the same room.”

Josh snorted because Brendon was right, the whole thing is fucking weird, but fuck it, he has a cat now, he can die happy. The cat licked his hand when he reached forward to pet him again.

“Aw, baby boy, you like getting pet, huh?” Josh giggled and pet the cat again when the cat purred up at him.

“You named the cat ‘baby boy’?” Tyler’s strangled voice above him made Josh’s head snap up towards him and even though Josh is totally high as a kite, he could see how his eyes darkened.

“No, his name is Cat,” Josh told him matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. “Baby boy is a stupid name to give a cat.”

 

\---

 

Once Brendon and Josh left the room saying they would be going to meet Pete and Ryan at the dining hall, Patrick saw his chance to question Tyler about what the fuck his intentions with Josh were. He was like an overprotective father, sent here on a mission by the one and only Brendon Urie and he couldn't really disappoint.

“So,” Patrick's let’s his voice trail off as he sits on his bed again, watching Tyler grab his ukulele from under his bed. “You and Josh?”

Tyler looked at him suspiciously, his fingers beginning to strum a simple pattern on the strings of the uke. The melody sounded happy, but Tyler on the other hand, looked anything but. Patrick wasn't one to overstep boundaries; if people didn't want to talk about something he didn't usually push it, but this was affecting his friends and he had to help in any way he could. Besides, if Tyler was bottling up another breakdown, better to let it out now than later when he sees his friends.

“Me and Josh,” Tyler repeats vaguely, switching up the sounds filling the room and keeping his expression blank. Patrick raised an eyebrow at him and Tyler looks away, the pink making it’s way onto his cheeks now visible.

“You going to break up with Jenna?” Patrick mentally kicks himself because there's literally a hundred better ways to word that and he probably just came off as an asshole instead of a caring friend trying to look out for him.

“Nah,” Tyler stopped playing and looked Patrick straight in the eyes. “I’m not cheating on her.”

“Wha- How?” Patrick gets out lamely, scanning Tyler’s face for any show of regret for what he’s doing. He sees none, which confuses him because he _is_ cheating on his girlfriend and he doesn't understand what he means.

“See Patrick,” Tyler set his uke down next to him, crossing his legs and putting his arms behind his head to look up at the ceiling. “I’m not gay. I’m in love with Jenna.” Tyler raises his hand to stop Patrick from speaking. “Yes I'm fucking Josh, but it’s all a game. Jenna and I haven't had sex yet and I'm not dating Josh so it’s not cheating. I'm still faithful to my girl, I just like being with Josh intimately sometimes.”

“That makes zero sense.” Patrick told him bluntly, racking his brain to understand the logic spewing from Tyler’s mouth.

“Look at it this way, buddy. It’s not cheating unless I get caught, right? And this is all a game for Josh and I,” Tyler looked over at him, eyes narrowed and determined. “And I won't lose. I won't get caught. Besides,” Tyler shrugged and grinned lazily. “No one will believe that _I’m_ fucking Josh Dun.”

The conversation drifts away after that seeing as Patrick was left speechless. They mostly focused on how classes are going and if they were doing anything for Halloween. Small topics that wouldn't get a rise like the last one. After about an hour, Patrick told Tyler he was going to meet with Pete, avoiding Josh’s name, and offering for him to come. Tyler smiled gratefully and politely refused the offer, opting for a quiet night for once instead.

Patrick left, making his way to the dining hall confused. He wasn't sure what to make of what Tyler told him. Sure, he kept himself composed in front of him, but he just really wanted to shout that Tyler was an idiot to the world.

Which is what he did when he plopped down onto a seat at a familiar table, and placing his head in his hands. He was met with a chorus of ‘huh’s’ and when he glanced up, he noticed the Debby, Gerard and Frank.

Wrong table.

“Uh, he… he forgot to… lock the door this morning.” He lied, biting his lip and getting up. “Gotta go.”

He commented on how good Gerard's sketch looked before he stalked up to the right table, finding his seat next to Pete and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Tyler’s a fucking idiot.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Pete snickered, poking him in the ribs and making him jump. Patrick glared at him.

“We already knew that.” Brendon laughed, a fond edge marking up his voice while Ryan agreed with him and Patrick couldn't help the swelling in his heart.

This group of people cared more about Tyler than the friends he’s had for _years_. They were so accepting of him when Patrick was sure that no one at the God’s Groupies table would be if they knew what he was doing.

“What’d he do?” Ryan asked, voicing the question everyone wanted answered. Patrick shook his head and looked at Brendon.

“I asked him what he was doing with Josh,” Brendon perked up at that and gestured for him to continue. “They're playing a game, whatever that means. He doesn't think he’s cheating on Jenna either which is weird.”

“A game?” Pete repeated slowly and Patrick nodded. “What kind of game?”

“Don’t know.” Patrick shrugged, glancing at the students passing by their table looking exhausted. “Tyler didn't say.”

“I can’t say I'm surprised,” Brendon said after a minute of thinking. He smirked, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. “Josh has always loved playing games.”

“What do you mean ‘always’?” Pete demands and Patrick has never seen him look so serious before. It was kinda funny.

“I _mean,_ he’s always-” Josh chose that moment to return back to the table, a freshly new cup of coffee in his hand by the looks of it. Josh took one look at Brendon’s face and took a sip of his coffee.

“If you fucking say anything about me,” Josh threatened lowly, locking eyes with Brendon and Patrick shivered at the intensity. “I will straight up punch you in the face.”

Brendon’s smirk grew as he raised his hand to his lips, pretending to zip them up, lock them and made the theatric of throwing away the key too. Josh’s eyes softened as he smiled and turned to the rest of them happily.

“So what were you guys talking about?”

Patrick locked eyes with Ryan, then Pete and back at Brendon. Brendon smiled again and shrugged. Then all of them were zipping their mouths shut, locking them and throwing the keys away and Brendon’s laughter rang throughout Patrick’s ears.

“Wow, have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate you guys?” Josh groaned and drank more of his coffee. Turns out that Brendon has some big balls, because he enjoys fucking with Josh.

“Tell us about the game you're playing with your fuck buddy.” Josh glared at Brendon, probably wanting to wipe the shit eating grin off his face and honestly if Patrick was Josh, he wouldn't know how to deal with having Brendon as his best friend.

“Right, I’m leaving.” Josh got up to leave, his coffee in hand, but Brendon pulled him back down, his eyes shining with excitement.

“Details, now!”

“You guys are worse than middle aged white women, it’s embarrassing.”

“Come on, tell us.”

“What is this, why are you so- _”_

“ _Joooosh!"_

“ _Ugh!”_

 _"_ Come on, Josh.” Patrick spoke up, backing Brendon because no one else was. Josh gasped and turned towards him, mouth gaping open like a fish out of water.

“Patrick, what… Not you, too!” Josh’s face was red with embarrassment now and Pete was laughing about it next to him. Josh pointed at Brendon accusingly. “You. You did this. You corrupted him!”

Brendon clutched at his heart dramatically. “ _Me?_ I did no such thing!”

“Bullshit.” Josh seethed, pointing his stare at Ryan, who was laughing. “Ryan, talk to him, please.”

“Uh, he’s too wild to tame.” Ryan smiled sheepishly and Brendon ‘Ha’d!’ at Josh.

“You would know, wouldn’t you?” Pete wiggled his eyebrows and made a jerking gesture with his hand and the whole table erupted into a fit of laughter.

Patrick felt at home with all these people. It was weird, seeing as he mostly spent time with Tyler and his group, but he just appreciated this group more than anything. He wasn't sure what he’d do if anything would happen to break them apart.

He really hoped nothing would.

* * *

 

Josh had been having a shit day. He woke up late for his morning class, didn't have time to grab a coffee, had no food with him and by the time he was done, he wanted to go home and die. Or maybe cuddle his cat.

The cat turned out to be pretty demanding to take care of and considering the two boys in charge of it were high half the time, they liked to think they were doing a good job. They hadn't gotten arrested yet so they assumed they were in the clear for that factor.

Josh and Brendon had gone out to buy the cat food after realizing that they didn't have any and like any other people, they argued over what kind of cat food to get. Josh just wanted to get the most expensive thing they had because damn it, his kitten deserved the best food ever but no, Brendon _insisted_ they get the cheaper one because _fuck you that's why, Josh._

They ended up getting the cheaper one.

Once Josh got back to his room, he noticed Brendon was sitting at his desk, joint lit while scrolling through something on his laptop, the cat laying on the desk beside it. Josh quickly took his phone out to snap a picture because the whole scene shouted ‘tumblr aesthetic’ to him. When he was done, he went up to Brendon’s drawer, grabbing his own already rolled joint and used Brendon’s lighter.

“What are you doing?” Josh asked him, blowing out the smoke into Brendon’s face to annoy him. A few minutes went by before Brendon answered him, looking at him for a second and back at the screen.

“Nothing.”

Josh nodded, sitting down on the edge of the desk uncomfortably, taking a few more puffs and thinking about x-files and popcorn and what the fuck, why wasn't he rewatching that shit right now with some popcorn? He deserved it. He survived his day, the least he could do is reward himself.

He tilted his head, a small smile forming on his face before he heard the familiar sound of the cat meowing uncontrollably. He turned to look over at it on the desk, but Brendon had grabbed him and placed him against the screen of his laptop, using his fur as a duster.

Brendon told the cat to calm down as he continued trying to clean his laptop and Josh dropped his joint in the ashtray at the corner of the desk before yanking the cat out of Brendon’s hands.

“Hey, I'm trying to clean my laptop, dude.” Brendon pouted and Josh ran out of the room and made his way to Tyler’s door.

He knew he was home, the guy finished school before him, but Tyler had his own friends so maybe he _wasn't_ home. Josh held his breath as the door clicked open and Tyler stood in front of him, smiling. Josh felt as though his entire world was spinning because how can someone's smile be so beautiful?

And it was directed right at him.

Josh shook his head and went inside, Tyler closing the door behind him. He had to focus on the task at hand here. He had to stop distracting himself by thinking about how pretty Tyler is.

“What’s up, Jish?” Tyler asked him, concern lacing his voice as he placed his hand on Josh’s forearm. He looked at the cat in his arms and back to his face.

“Brendon just used the cat as a duster.” Josh blurted out, holding out the cat for Tyler to take. The cat looked so _done_ with him at this point, but Josh was just trying to help him. He had to understand that, even for a cat.

“Brendon did _what?”_ Tyler grabbed the cat and hugged him to his chest as Josh repeated himself. Tyler looked at him in disbelief before he began muttering down to the cat. “Don't worry, baby boy, I won't let Brendon hurt you anymore. Daddy's got you.”

Josh bit his lip as he felt his dick twitch in his jeans and fuck, this was definitely _not_ the time for Josh to get hard over something Tyler’s said. It was so not fair of Tyler to do this, to torture him like this when he knew what it did to him. His lips parted slightly as the word replayed over and over in his head.

_Daddy._

“What?” Tyler’s voice snapped him back to reality and Josh could only stare at him again. He really had no clue what effect he had on him. How the smallest, simplest things could make him come undone.

Tyler could easily have him wrapped around his finger and Josh hated it.

“I’m too high to process anything you just said besides ‘daddy’ and now I'm hard.” Josh's mouth babbled honestly and Tyler let out a laugh of surprise.

“Go yell at Brendon while I protect our son.” Tyler shook his head, eyes shining with content. Josh nodded and nodded and continued nodding until Tyler stifled another laugh while he shoved him toward the door and he got the hint.

Josh got back into his room with relatively no problem - sometimes he can't get the key into the slot - but he was still grossly turned on and Tyler _clearly_ wasn't going to help him. As he got into the room, he let out a little helpless noise that got Brendon’s attention away from his laptop and over to Josh’s face and down his body, stopping at his obvious erection and grinning up at him.

“Don't.” Josh warned, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, the blackness behind his eyelids oddly comforting. “I'm supposed to yell at you.”

“Ah, but will you?” Josh heard Brendon getting up and walking up to him and when he removed his hands from his eyes, Brendon stood in front of him, only a few inches between them.

“No.” Josh answered truthfully, though he knew he should. The cat wasn't a fucking duster.

Brendon tilted his head, questioning him silently on why the fuck he was here if he was clearly in need of a good lay. He knew he had gone to Tyler, of course he did, but it made sense for him to be confused about them not fucking right now.

“He called himself daddy, Brendon.” Josh groaned, feeling his knees go weak at the reminder, the constant ringing of the word in his head in Tyler’s voice.

“Wait, wait,” Brendon pointed at Josh’s crotch with his eyebrows raised. “You’re this turned on because he called himself daddy _?_ You never get turned on when I call myself that. Do you want to call _me_ daddy?”

Brendon was offended, Josh could tell, but he couldn't help it. He didn't even know he could find the word appealing, considering how his relationship with his dad was. He and his dad had gotten into numerous fights along the years, reasons that Josh deemed useless _now_ because they weren't really on speaking terms anymore _,_ but all in all, he didn't like his dad. He didn't hate him either, seeing as that would take actual effort, but he didn't understand or have a clue as to why he wanted to call Tyler of all people - literally, of all people - daddy.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You’d call that twink daddy, but not me.” Brendon muttered, looking away from him and Josh felt a twinge of guilt over the fact before Brendon added to it. “Come on Joshie, Daddy Urie has a nice ring to it.”

“I literally top you when we fuck.” Josh pointed out, not harshly, but just forcefully enough that Brendon would drop the subject.

Josh didn't know what to do with this situation and Brendon wasn't helping. At all.

“Whatever,” Brendon crossed his arms and smirked up at him. “Liking what I like don't make me a bitch.”

Josh rolled his eyes. He was tempted to go light a smoke, but that took too much effort on his part so he decided on just sitting down on his bed, Brendon following him. He sat down next to Josh, face twisted up in what Josh liked to call his ‘I’m thinking’ look.

“Is it weird that I want to call him daddy, Brendon?” Josh’s voice came out small and almost scared. He didn't know if this was a normal reaction to have or if he was even more fucked in the head than he thought.

Yay, daddy issues.

“The fact that you have a daddy kink?” Brendon said after a minute of silence, a small smile spreading on his face. “Yeah, it's fucking weird.”

Josh shoved his face into Brendon’s shoulder and groaned. Of course it was weird. Who wants to call their fuck buddy that anyway? He’s so fucked up and probably _should_ continue seeing a therapist like his mom asked him to ages ago and God, he misses his mom and -

“I’m kidding,” Josh felt Brendon’s shoulder shake, his laugh clearing Josh’s thoughts for once. “But holy shit Josh, you want Tyler to top you.”

Josh picked his head up off Brendon’s shoulder and glared at him. “No I don't, I don't bottom, thanks.”

“You want him to _fuuuck youuuu._ ” Brendon sang poking Josh’s cheek, making him sigh.

The fact was that yeah, he wouldn't mind if Tyler topped him. In fact, he wanted him to; he could only imagine how insanely good it would be. The thing was that Josh _didn’t_ usually want to bottom and this was freaking him out a bit. He had no problem with it, he’d bottomed countless times since he came out ‘till now, but not to people like Tyler.

He didn't bottom for people who claimed they were straight.

“Okay, so how would I even bring this up to him, Bren? He wouldn't want to fuck me anyway.”

“Uh, he’s already fucking you, technically.”

“ _Brendon.”_

 _“_ You just have to make him want to.” Brendon finally said and it was as though he had actually thought about this topic before with the look he was giving Josh. It was a little unsettling, though he didn't question it because Brendon knew best after all.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Josh was confused with this piece of wisdom his friend had just shared with him.

“Simple.” Brendon laughed, reaching out and lacing his fingers through Josh’s hair. Josh closed his eyes, his mouth parting slightly at the feeling of it. “You want him to be dominating? Give him a reason to be.”

“But he-” Josh opened his eyes when he felt Brendon’s lips touch his.

He made a high pitched, confused sound, but ended up closing his eyes and kissing him back. Kissing Brendon was always nice, it was familiar, a constant in his life and he was way too high to be opposed to this now.

Brendon let out a soft whimper when Josh deepened the kiss, tilting his head and licking at his bottom lip until Brendon opened his mouth and tugged at his hair. He slipped his tongue between his lips, moaning when it connected with Brendon's and then, just like that, the two are making out and yeah Josh is used to this, but how did this have anything to do with making Tyler want to top him?

Brendon got his leg up and all but climbed into Josh’s lap, breaking the kiss to start kissing down Josh’s jaw and to his neck. He kissed at the junction between his neck and ear where he _knows_ it drives Josh crazy and bites down until Josh is moaning and whimpering beneath him.

Josh wrapped his arms around Brendon’s waist, debating whether or not he should take off his shirt and decided to move his hands from their current position and into his shirt, roaming them up his stomach to his chest.

Brendon continued his assault on his neck while Josh just moved his head to the side to give him more access because all he could think of was how good Brendon’s lips felt and how he was grinding down onto him absentmindedly like Tyler had-

_Tyler._

Josh pushed on Brendon’s chest softly, not wanting for him to fall but for him to look down at him and acknowledge that he wanted to talk to him. Brendon sat back on Josh’s knees slightly, arms still wrapped around his neck as Josh let out a sigh. Brendon was so attractive and everyone knew it. It wasn't news and Josh couldn't believe he was stopping him from whatever they could have been doing because he thought of fucking Tyler.

“What are you doing, Bren?” Josh asked him, breath catching when Brendon raised an eyebrow at him.

“It’s just phase one, babe.” Brendon leaned down and kissed the corner of his mouth quickly. “Let Tyler know you have other options.”

“Oh.” Josh said quietly, tilting his chin up to catch Brendon’s lips again and pull back, eyes bright with understanding. “ _Oh.”_

“Now you get it. By the way, we’re throwing a party tomorrow. On our floor. Halloween and all. Go tell Tyler.” Brendon got off of him, kissing his cheek and pulling at his hair one last time before seeming satisfied with his work.

He pulled Josh up, pretending to dust off his shoulders and shooed him off. Josh was confused and a little - beyond - turned on, but he stumbled his way out the door and back to Tyler’s and knocked. He had no idea how long he’d been gone for.

Tyler probably wanted to kill him for being so annoying.

Tyler opened the door, a blank look on his face until he realized it was Josh. His face lit up, eyes becoming brighter and smile taking over his face and surely Josh was imagining it all.

That was until his eyes trailed down his face to his neck and looking at his hair, curls newly messed up. His smile visibly dropped and his face went blank again.

“What?” Tyler didn't invite him in.

“Um, Brendon wanted me to tell you that we’re throwing a party on our floor tomorrow.” Josh scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I'm guessing you know this already, because he probably told you and I'm dumb, but you're invited and you should come?”

“Maybe. I might have better things to do.” Tyler scoffed before slamming the door shut in Josh’s face.

Josh blinked at the door, pivoting on his heels and going back to his room - he left the door open this time - and high fiving Brendon.

“I think that went well.” Josh said happily, oblivious to how bitter Tyler’s tone sounded and how hurt he looked while eyeing up the bite marks on his neck, slowly turning into purple bruises.

“Good, I'm proud of you.” Brendon cheered, lying back on his bed and humming to himself.

Josh was over the moon. If anything made Josh feel good about himself, about his _life_ it was being told that people he cared about we're proud of him. It wasn't often that people complimented him, it hardly happened, really. But when it did, it made Josh’s heart swell up and he felt tears sting the back of his eyes and overall, he just turned into a little bitch. He loved it. He wouldn't change a thing. He looked around the room, smile still on his face before he remembered the simplest thing, something that completely slipped his mind.

“Tyler still has the cat.”

 

\---

 

After he slammed the door shut in Josh’s face, Tyler turned to storm towards his bed, which was now also occupied by a small kitten, black fur shining and green eyes staring up at him as if saying ‘you’re not Josh’.

“Yeah I know I'm not Josh,” Tyler muttered, petting down the cat's spine and watching as it lifted its tail. He moved his hand away and gestured to the pillow. “Wanna move there, please? I need to lie down.”

The cat moved, sitting down on his pillow while Tyler got on top of the bed, laying his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck was up with him.

He knew he had no right to be upset, it wasn't his place to be. If Josh wanted to have sex with other guys then he supposed that was his choice. Besides, he was dating Jenna. It was fair play on Josh to be able to be with someone other than him and though it made Tyler - he cringed into the bed - _jealous,_ he’d have to get over it because Josh and him were just friends. They’d always be friends.

Friends who have sex.

Tyler turned to his side, removing one hand from behind his head to pet the cat. He watched as it’s eyes closed, drifting off to sleep, purrs escaping from under its breath and Tyler’s eyes widened. Josh had been with Brendon. He had been _with_ Brendon. Josh had gone back to his room to supposedly yell at him and ended up fucking him instead. His hand curled into a fist at the back of his head, breaths coming out of his mouth faster now.

Those two were best friends too. They’d been through alot together from what Tyler could make out, but better yet why was Brendon so into Josh if he was so infatuated with Ryan? He knew those two had something from the few times he’d seen Brendon and Ryan together, but this changed things. He didn't like it. He didn't like that Josh was with Brendon next door right now doing god knows what.

Tyler had to stop and remind himself that the walls were paper thin; he’d hear if they were doing anything. Josh was usually loud. Tyler bit his lip remembering all the times he and Josh have had sex in the last few weeks and how good it had been, how easy it was to just slip back into each other the way they had.

The door opened and a very disgruntled, confused and most importantly tired looking Patrick stepped through. Tyler knew that he had just finished gym and if there was one thing Patrick hated it was that. Patrick nodded at him, noticing the cat lying next to his head before sitting on his own bed.

“How was your day, Tyler?” Patrick asked as he untied his shoelaces. “Better than mine I hope.”

“It was… weird.” Tyler told him, carefully getting up and crossing his legs, not wanting to wake up the kitten next to him.

“Weird, how?” Patrick tossed his shoes near his desk and glared at them as if they were the devil.

“Isn’t Brendon dating that Ryan guy?” Tyler asked him, curious tone in full effect.

“No, not that I know of.” Tyler’s heart dropped. “But they are seeing each other. Sort of.”

“Are him and Josh..” Tyler let his voice trail off, question clear and floating in the air. Patrick raised his eyebrows and grinned.

“Oh, yeah. It’s just the way they are. It’s practically normal for them.” Patrick said, not catching on to Tyler's uneasiness or ignoring it, point blank. “I’m pretty sure Josh took Brendon’s virginity actually, but I could be wrong. Either way, they hook up all the time.”

Tyler breathed, trying to handle this the best way possible. It was hard; this was all his shit thoughts from earlier being confirmed and he didn't know if he wanted to scream, throw up or cry at how naive he was to think that Josh would only be with him throughout the duration of this game.

“What does it mean when someone gets turned on at the word daddy?” Tyler blurted out and pressed his lips together.

He needed to change the subject. He couldn't continue thinking about what Josh did with Brendon. He felt the heat creep up his neck, overwhelming him slightly when he thought about Josh moaning Brendon’s name instead of his own and he had to stop himself. He just needed to keep it together, it wasn't a big deal. All of this was fine. It was totally fine and he really wanted to kill Brendon, but it was okay. He’d keep his cool.

“Josh called you daddy?” Patrick spluttered, gripping a water bottle that he'd gotten from his bag in his hands, smile on his face.

“No, no!” Tyler said quickly, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. “I kinda called myself daddy referring to the cat and he got turned on.”

“Josh probably wants you to be dom.” Patrick shrugged after gulping down half his bottle of water.

“What?” Tyler’s eyes widened and he reached for the cat instinctively. He began to pet him, not enough to wake him up, but enough to let himself relax. Who knew the cat would calm him down?

“Josh wants you to top.” Patrick told him slowly and Tyler didn't like being handled like a fucking child. He was 18 years old, borderline about to turn 19, he shouldn't be spoken to like he was some sort of idiot for not knowing how to fucking have gay sex.

“I don't even know how to top with a guy.” Tyler said, glaring at Patrick. “I don't know the proper ways to do things and all that. Josh does.”

“The Internet, my friend. _So_ helpful.” Patrick went over to his desk, grabbing his laptop from under his bed in the process. Tyler grabbed the chair on his side of the room and sat next to him. Patrick’s fingers moved on the keyboard.

_how to have gay sex_

Tyler felt his face heat up again. Looking over at Patrick and seeing the smirk on his face made this all the more embarrassing. Patrick motioned for him to read what was on the page, saying that this probably related to what he and Josh were doing.

_"The whole process (the hole process?) — from patient foreplay to full-on assfucking — takes 30 minutes at least."_

Patrick laughed at Tyler’s face and scrolled down some more.

“Patrick, this is stupid.” Tyler’s face was burning now, he didn't know what was worse; the fact that he hadn't thought to google this by himself or the fact that his friend was enjoying the torture he was going through.

“This part is important!” Patrick pointed at the screen seriously, nodding as if agreeing with the words.

_“Prepping and lubing your partner up is a very, very, very important process. It helps the fact that you won't, you know, tear your partner's ass apart. If you don't, well, someone is going to wind up with an ass so benumbed that he won't realize he's being torn to shreds until after he sees blood and santorum all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc."_

Tyler groaned, covering his eyes and then, because he had already dug a hole for himself and shoved himself inside so far down there was no way out, he decided to push Patrick's hands away and google something else.

_how to be daddy_

Patrick snorted out a laugh and covered his mouth with his hand, but didn't comment. He managed to stay quiet. Tyler clicked on the first link, something about being dom and scrolled down.

“Oh,” Tyler said quietly, continuing his research. “ _Oh God._ What the fuck.”

Tyler clicked the x at the corner of the page and turned to Patrick. He was sure his face had a traumatized look on it and if it didn't then he really didn't know himself at all.

“Look at it this way, at least if you're the one giving it up the ass you can pretend it's less gay.” Patrick chuckled at his joke, but this made sense to Tyler.

It made sense that it would be less gay because he wouldn't be taking it. And yeah he knew that there was nothing wrong with being gay, but he was still really insecure about what he was doing with his best friend even though he loved it. He was straight and had a soft spot for his friend is what it was. He wouldn't be able to fuck any guy other than Josh.

“This is ridiculous.” Tyler sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Trust me,” Patrick pat his back to comfort him. “You haven't seen anything yet.”

 

* * *

 

As it turns out, Brendon is a mastermind. That was not a shock to Josh, but to everyone else it was pretty weird because since when is Brendon smart? These people had no idea.

Brendon had managed to not only get everyone on their floor on board for this Halloween party, but he’d also managed to get Hoodie to bring a stereo system - which was already set up - while everyone else decorated the walls.

Two people from across the hall were putting up weird little Halloween decoration on the walls. They handed some fake spiders to another guy, who ran down the hall to place it there. 4 people he’d seen a few times in passing  were setting up a table full of alcohol - which he was pretty psyched about - and stacking red cups by the sides of the table.

Josh, Brendon, Tyler and Patrick were on task with setting up the beer pong table. All they had to do was drag it to the entrance of the floor, near the stairs and just leave it there, red cups forming a triangle. It was all ready to go, all they were missing was the beer, but Hoodie said he’d take care of that one.

Thank God for Hoodie. How Brendon had convinced all these people to participate in this was beyond him, but Josh knew _exactly_ how wild Brendon’s parties could get, never mind them being in college now.

Once they were all done with their setups, everyone high fived and went back to their rooms to get ready. It was fun, working together as a team like this. With everyone having the same common goal, re: have a great fucking party.

When Josh was back in his room, he frowned. He didn't have a stupid costume and worst of all, Tyler had been distant. He had been jumpy and avoiding him and he wasn't sure if this was Brendon's plan working full force or ruining everything.

Brendon walked in, getting in front of Josh and he couldn't help but smile at how Brendon’s costume just so happened to be a vampire of all things. He had put white paint on his face, was probably using some old blanket as a cape - bless Brendon’s DIY skills - with his skinny jeans, white button down and red bow tie. He was looking for something, Josh realized after he stopped admiring the way Brendon was walking with a pep in his step. He had always been a fan of Halloween. Last year the two of them had gone as cheerleaders, just to piss everyone off.

Needless to say, it worked like magic.

“Aha!” Brendon exclaimed and giggled once he found what he was looking for. He turned and grinned at him, fangs stuck on his teeth. “Your costume.”

He tossed whatever he was holding to Josh and he lunged for it, not wanting it to fall on the floor. He looked at the item in his hand and back up at Brendon, face completely void of emotion.

“You’re kidding me,” He told him slowly, looking back at his hand. “A _kitten_?”

“Yes!” Brendon jumped on his bed excitedly, careful not to smudge his makeup, but once he got a good look at Josh’s face he pouted. “Oh come on, those high school sluts can do it, why can't you? You’re so much hotter than all of them anyway.”

Josh didn't want to dress up as a cat. Not really.  In fact he didn't want to dress up, period. But Tyler was going tonight and it was on their floor and he couldn't pussy out of this now. Besides, if Brendon wanted to see a hot cat, he was just in luck.

Josh walked up to his closet, skimming through his wardrobe until he found what he was looking for and peeling himself out of his clothes, not caring about Brendon right behind him, and putting on what he’d picked out. Truthfully, the leather pants were a bit of a challenge to shove on, but the black skin-tight tank top went on very gracefully. When he was done, he placed the kitten ears on top of his faded red curls and turned around to face Brendon.

Brendon glanced up from his phone and once his eyes fell on Josh his jaw dropped and he let his phone slip from his fingers and onto the floor.

“Hot enough for you, Bren?” Josh smirked, leaning his weight on one foot and crossing his arms.

“Shit,” Brendon cursed, scrambling up from the bed and over to Josh. He twirled his fingers, motioning for Josh to turn around and he did, he was eating up the way Brendon was looking at him right now. “It’s missing something.”

He held up a finger to Josh, turning around and rummaging through his drawer and coming back with a pencil. Brendon told him to close his eyes and he did reluctantly, before he felt the sharp point of the pencil gliding over his eyelids and he realized it was eyeliner. When he felt Brendon pull his hand away, he opened his eyes and Brendon instructed him to look up at the ceiling as he did the same on the bottom of his eye and it wasn't Josh’s fault that his eyes were watering and he kept blinking. He couldn't help it.

“There you go.” Brendon smiled, tossing the eyeliner pencil onto his desk. “Perfect.”

Josh saw how Brendon was admiring him now, he knew the eyeliner probably made the costume look better and he pulled out his phone, opening the front camera and nodding at the work Brendon had done. He looked back up and bit his lip.

If Brendon was looking at him like this, then how would Tyler react to his costume? The thought made Josh’s heart flutter and he eternally punched himself because he shouldn't _care_ what Tyler thinks of him. They’d end up naked anyway, so the costume means nothing.

“Do you wanna have a quickie?” Brendon asked, staring up at Josh, his lips quirking up at the corners.

“No, I just shoved my ass into these leather pants, fuck you.” Josh turned around and shook his ass in Brendon’s direction, hearing a groan behind him and fingers latching onto his hips. He turned back around, grinning at Brendon, knowing exactly how much all this was turning him on. Brendon leaned forward, pressing open-mouthed kisses onto Josh’s neck.

“It’s part of the plan.” Brendon assured him when Josh tilted his head to let Brendon kiss and bite as his neck more easily. Brendon bit at his jaw, the fangs on his teeth getting in the way and Josh felt him rut against his thigh.

“Sure, Brendon.”

“It’s not fair baby, when you torture me by wearing those pants.” Brendon whined, nuzzling his face in his neck, his next words coming out muffled. “Your ass looks like God in them. Like, I literally believe in him right now, that ass has got to be out of this word. Heavenly, honestly.” He kissed his neck one last time before pulling away and glancing up at him, a wicked grin forming on his face. “Forget Tyler, you can have me instead.”

“Didn't you invite Ryan?” Josh knew he was being a bit of a cockblock, but he didn't want Brendon to do anything he'd regret. See, he was a good friend. The best.

“Oh, yeah.” Brendon said, smile turning sharp. “Ryan.”

“Relationship issues already?” Josh teased, reaching out to tug on his hair and decided on pressing his hand to his cheek instead, not wanting to ruin it. It was perfectly slicked back, Brendon would kill him if a single hair was out of place. Brendon rolled his eyes, but leaned into the touch. “How would poor Ryan feel if he knew you were trying to get with me right now?” Josh tsk’ed, shaking his head. “Might have to warn him about your intentions now.”

“Two can play that game.” Brendon smirked, leaning away from Josh. He walked over to Josh’s bed and jumped on it before banging on the wall.

“What ar-” Josh didn't have time to finish before Brendon cut him off.

“Oh, Josh!” He moaned loudly, shouting his words. “Oh God, harder daddy, please!”

“Brendon, stop it!” Josh hissed, grabbing Brendon’s hand and trying to pull him down.

“Yeah, right there! Right, ah- Right there! Oh, fuck!” Brendon moaned again and Josh covered his mouth with his hand when he finally managed to pulled him down.

“You’re such a fucking dickhead.” Josh told him, his face blanching at the thought of Tyler hearing that. He wasn't surprised Brendon used the word daddy either.

Josh dropped his hands and Brendon was grinning. He went and picked up his phone, looking at the time and announcing that the party should start in a few minutes if Hoodie got his shit together and got the stereo to work. Josh whistled, trying to get the cats attention from wherever it was hiding - couldn't be far, their rooms were really small after all - and once the kitten came out from under his bed he smiled, picking him up and kissing his nose.

Josh was already attached to the cat, he loved it almost as much as he loved Brendon.

Almost.

He made a makeshift cage at the corner of the room, so the cat wouldn't get kidnapped while people came in and out of the room, which Josh hoped no one did but, he couldn't be positive. He placed the cat in it, it was basically a bunch of useless clothes stacked up, but if the cat actually decided to do anything else but sleep then it'd be able to knock it down or even climb it. Josh wasn’t worried.

When the music started, he realized Brendon had left the room, already doing what he does best; fucks shit up in the best way possible. A nervous feeling weighed down on Josh’s chest and he didn't know what to expect out of tonight. He didn't want to get his hopes up just to be crushed.

He took a deep breath and walked out of the room, surprise working its way onto his face as soon as he saw how many people were here already. Granted, he had no idea who half of them were, but everyone had a drink and honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if people were drunk already.

He walked over to grab a drink and looked around for people he knew, trying to figure out their costumes. He found Patrick and Pete the easiest; their Mario and Luigi costumes practically reflecting their personalities.

He saw Ryan and Ashley next, dressed as the Joker and Harley Quinn. Ryan had painted his face white, marking his lips red and even spray painted his hair green. Ashley on the other hand was wearing a full on Harley bodysuit, her makeup done to such perfection that even Josh was impressed. Brendon was with them and by the looks of it, he didn't look real happy. His smile was too forced and his hand was practically clenched around his drink, but Josh just shrugged it off.

He took a gulp of his drink before almost dropping it all on the floor, his eyes landing on the one person he wanted to find. His breathing quickened, his eyes glued on to him as he tried to control himself.

Tyler stood a good 10 feet away from him, his clothes the same, tattooes showing fully from his oversized tank top. His hands and neck were covered in black paint or something like it, but the best part was that his eyes were _red._ Tyler had brought it upon himself to wear blood red fucking contacts and it was so not fair on Josh, because he just wanted to be fucked senseless while he wore them.

He had major issues and the only way to accept it is by drinking more alcohol. He tipped his drink back, went back to refill it and when he locked eyes with Tyler, letting his gaze slip down his body and making a show of it, he noticed his arm was around someone. He looked next to him, seeing Jenna in all white clothes with wings attached to her back, a halo on top of her head and a bright smile on her face.

An angel and a demon.

How very cute.

Josh looked over at Tyler, who smirked at him and tipped his cup up to him before saying something in Jenna’s ear that made her laugh. And no, Josh wasn't the type to get jealous because Tyler was his fuck buddy, he meant nothing, but he’ll be damned if he couldn't admit that he wanted to rip that pretty blonde’s head off her shoulders.

“Hey Josh!” Someone shouted next to him making him jump in surprise. He hadn't realized he was glaring at Jenna and when he looked next to him at the voice shouting at him, his breath caught in his throat.

Debby, _his_ Debby stood next to him, _smiling_ at him and he wasn't sure why. He could tell she wasn't drunk, she was never one to drink, but he wasn't sure what was happening and fuck he needed more alcohol if he was going to survive the night. He noticed she was dressed as a princess with her pink, fluffed dress and tiara.

“Debby,” He said, scanning her face and if the look on _his_ face didn't give him away already, his voice did. “You look beautiful.”

He had loved her. He still did. There was no doubt in his mind that she would always be the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid his eyes on.

“Thank you,” Her cheeks tinted pink and he smiled down at her. “Sick party. When Ty invited us we didn't think it’d be this lit.”

“Tyler invited you?” Josh asked, ignoring the rest of her statement.

“Yeah! Said he didn't want to be here alone or something.” She laughed and Josh found himself forcing one out too.

He turned back to the table and refilled his drink with straight vodka. He’d been mixing his drinks, because he was a little bitch and loved himself some vodka cran, alright? Nothing wrong with that, but now he needed to let loose and forget whatever was going through his head. And sure vodka was the worst drink in _existence_ when taking it alone and he’d probably die of alcohol poisoning by the end of tonight, but this was a risk he was willing to take.

“Listen, Debby,” He started after downing half the drink, the vodka hitting him already. “I am _so_ fucking sorry. About everything.”

“Josh, it’s fine.” She started, but Josh waved his hand dismissively.

“You deserved so much better than an asshole like me.”

“You were a perfect gentleman while we were together, you just fucked up a little. I'm over it.” Debby pat his arm reassuringly and smiled before disappearing into the crowd. He sighed, feeling his chest become lighter and swaying on his feet. It was good to know she wasn't still mad at him.

He felt someone wrap their arms around his neck and pull him forward, startling him out of his daydream and back to the party. Brendon smirked, kissing his cheek.

“Your boy is looking our way.” His lips were at Josh’s ear and he tried to ignore the tingling sensation of it all. He looked over Brendon’s shoulder and sure enough, Tyler was staring at them, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. Josh bit his lip, the intensity of the red contacts making him think of things he shouldn't. “Kiss me.”

Josh grinned, breaking eye contact with Tyler and leaning down to meet Brendon’s lips in a quick, chaste kiss. Brendon dropped his arms, bounding away from him and Josh saw no other option than to go up to Tyler and talk to him, seeing as now they were back to eye contact. He noticed Tyler tip his cup back as he reached him and the two leaned in close to each other.

“Sick costume, bro.” Josh told him, nodding at his clothes.

“Don’t fucking ‘bro’ me.” Tyler snapped and Josh’s eyes widened.

Brendon’s plan was actually working. Tyler was jealous. He looked next to Tyler where Jenna stood and back up at him, eyebrow raised. Tyler shook his head and rolled his eyes and God, the red contacts made it look so much hotter than it should.

Josh willed himself not to get hard, thinking of manly shit like football and monster trucks and fuck he even brought it upon himself to think of dead puppies because what could kill a boner faster than that?

Tyler opened his mouth, but Brendon had come up behind him stopping Tyler short.

“Tyler,” Brendon grinned at him cheerily. “Gather up your god groupies, while I find my squad and meet us back in my room. I feel like playing drunk spin the bottle.”

“What are we, in high school?” Josh scoffed, glaring at him but Brendon was just as quick witted as him, if not more.

“Mm, don't worry baby, you and I can play seven minutes in heaven later.” He slapped his ass and went to gather up all their friends respectively.

Tyler had disappeared moments after that and all of them were suddenly huddled up in Josh’s room, sitting in a circle while they could hear Hoodie singing outside the room about weed and how he’s all about it. Josh was fine with it all, his anxiety was at bay - or maybe that’s the alcohol speaking - but he really, _really_ didn't appreciate the death glare Ryan was sending him.

“Alright, everyone knows the rules?” Brendon asked and answered himself. “Good. Patrick, you start.”

Patrick rolled his eyes and spun the bottle, watching as it spun around 3 times before landing on Debby. She shrugged, leaning forward and kissing him quickly. She sat back and spun the bottle, landing on Jenna next to her. Now Jenna rolled her eyes and the two of them pecked their lips, a bunch of wolf whistles sounding throughout the room and when Josh glanced at Tyler, he was looking back at him. Josh blamed the heat rising on his cheeks on how many people were crammed into the room and certainly _not_ the fact Tyler was looking at him with a look that made a nun want to sin.

They go on spinning the bottle, Debby landing on Ryan, Patrick landing on Tyler, Tyler landing on Ashley, Ashley landing on Jenna - which looked as uncomfortable as it felt - until finally Jenna landed on Brendon.

Brendon kissed her, scrunching up his face when they were done and looking over at Tyler. “Really, you’d choose _that_ over-”

Josh elbowed him in the ribs, cutting him off and ignoring his pained groan. Brendon glared at him, spinning the bottle and by some miracle it landed on Josh and he couldn't help the way his jaw dropped or the way he glanced over at Tyler who was looking at the bottle as if God wasn't real anymore.

Brendon turned and smirked at Josh, the quirk around the edges making him look almost mischievous as he leaned forward.

“Put on a show, baby.” He whispered in his ear and Josh didn't hesitate, grabbing onto Brendon’s face and kissing him. He let his tongue glide over Brendon’s bottom lip before sucking on it, wanting Brendon to open his mouth which he does and God damn is Josh happy he removed those stupid fucking fangs.

Josh instantly forgot about their audience, crawling into Brendon’s lap and wrapping his arms around his neck, tongues tangling together. Brendon didn’t waste any time either, his hands finding their way under Josh’s shirt, making Josh whine pitifully at the back of his throat, searching for friction he didn't know he needed until that moment.

The two are so far gone in each other that they don't notice Debby bolting out of there, or hear Jenna mutter about them being ‘ _fucking faggots’_ under her breath, or even how Patrick and Pete decide that they should be getting some action too. The only thing that makes them realize they aren't entirely alone is the fact that the door had been slammed shut and it had startled Josh.

They broke away, breathing heavily and staring at each other, a conversation happening just by the way they were tilting their heads.

Josh coughed, climbing off of Brendon who clapped his hands. Ryan got up, eyes locked on Brendon before he shook his head and walked out of the room without a word.

“I guess that’s my cue.” Brendon chuckled nervously, getting up and running after him, leaving Josh with the realization that he was alone with Tyler. Tyler who was staring at him with such an intense look, the red iris’ of his contacts making the blood rush to his dick on its own.

Josh got up, shaking slightly in anticipation as he motions to the door stupidly, the alcohol in his system making him blurt out, “We should head back out to the party.”

He turned his back to Tyler, walking towards the door before he’s being slammed into it. His heartbeat accelerated and yeah his stomach had hit the doorknob and it hurt, but he wasn’t going to say anything, not when Tyler was being aggressive. He wanted him to be like this all the time, hopefully down to teach Josh a lesson because _he deserved it_. He turned his body around, staring up at Tyler with wide eyes, his adrenaline spiking at the glare on his face. 

“I thought you were mine Joshie,” Tyler’s red eyes stared into his own as his tongue swiped out to lick his lips. “Are you mine?”  
  
“No Tyler,” Josh smirked, taking a step towards him. He didn't realize how badly he wanted Tyler to top him until now. He might as well get him more angry to make all this worthwhile. “We aren't exclusive, remember? This is just a game.”  
  
Tyler pushed him back roughly, Josh’s back hitting the door with a thud again as Tyler got in his face. “This may be a game, but I still laid claims on you, baby.”  
  
“Oh _fuck,_ ” Josh moaned under his breath and Tyler’s eyes widened as he realized how much he was enjoying this. He moved his hands to rest on Josh’s hips under his shirt, pressing his thumbs into the exposed skin.  
  
“You’re mine, understand?”  
  
Josh nodded his head eagerly, not trusting himself to speak and fuck, if Josh was nervous then that doesn't even begin to compare to how Tyler is feeling. Tyler had no fucking clue what he was doing, but he's drunk and he needs to get a point across to Josh. He could do this, he could play this role if it’s what Josh wants.  
  
“So why don't you start acting like it, huh?” Tyler tilts his head slightly, questioning. “Letting someone else mark you up,”

He trailed his hand around Josh’s throat, circling it and letting his thumb press down on it hard, making it harder for Josh to breathe. “Kiss you, _touch_ you in front of me. Such a slut, Joshie.”  
  
Josh moaned, the thrumming of the sound dancing beneath Tyler’s fingers and he smirked, leaning closer into him so that his mouth is pressed to his ear.  
  
“I want to make you mine Josh,” A sharp inhale of breath encouraged Tyler to continue. “Want everyone to know who you belong to.”

He moved his hand away from his throat and to his cheek, pulling away to glance at his face. He wanted this more than anything and he knows Josh wants it too, but he needs to be sure. “Is that okay, baby?”  
  
Josh groaned, his head falling back against the door as he nods. Tyler moved his hand back to Josh’s throat and squeezed so he’d look at him.  
  
“Use your words, I want to hear you say it.”  
  
“Oh God,” He heard Josh whisper before he looked him right in the eye, voice coming out slurred, determined and positive. “ _Yes_.”  
  
Josh reached out for Tyler’s face, wanting to kiss him but Tyler just grabbed his hands and pinned them above his head. Josh looked up at him surprised and Tyler couldn't help how his heart fluttered in his chest.  
  
“Remember who you belong to.” Tyler finally, finally leaned in and kissed Josh’s neck and he was almost positive his lips could catch fire with the sexual tension between them.  
  
“Must have - _fuck_ \- forgot.” Josh moaned when Tyler bit down harshly on his skin. “I guess you'll have to remind me, Ty.”

The fire ignited in Tyler’s chest and suddenly his lips pressed hungrily against Josh’s, his fingers cradling Josh’s jaw tightly. The touch alone made Josh moan into his mouth, his hands fighting against Tyler’s until he let go and let his hands wander under his shirt, over his sides, his chest and back down. Tyler didn't mind the fact he was touching him, all needy and desperate; it reminded him how badly Josh wanted him. It wasn’t just him that yearned for their interactions and it eased his frantic mind.

Tyler almost laughed at the fact he almost let his insecurities get the best of him and he tilted his head. He pulled away, biting at Josh’s lower lip, tugging it along with him and letting go when Josh whined, the sound so beautiful to Tyler’s ears. Josh leaned back in, catching Tyler’s lips with his own again and rolling his hips against Tyler’s, a sigh of pleasure catching in his throat. Tyler dropped his hand from Josh’s face to his neck again, squeezing it when he felt Josh’s hands wander lower and lower on his back and finally squeezing his ass.

Tyler pulled away, pressing his hips into Josh’s again, feeling Josh’s erection through his pants, those _damn_ pants, he couldn't wait to get him out of them. Josh moaned and Tyler moved his lips down his jaw and to his neck, kissing and biting against it.

“Ty- Tyler,” Josh moaned, moving his hands from Tyler’s ass and to his hair. “I need- _Please,_ I need you to-”

His words get choked into another moan when Tyler bites at the hollow of his throat, but his message came through loud and clear to Tyler;  _I need you to touch me._

 _“_ You want me to touch you? Make you feel good?” Tyler pulled away and looked into Josh’s lust filled eyes, watching him nod and bite at his lip sinfully.

“With my hands,” Tyler leaned back in and licked his way up to Josh’s ear. “Or my mouth?”

He didn’t mean for his voice to come out so low and huskily, it just _happened_ and Josh’s whimper gave him all the answers he was looking for. He hummed, kissing behind Josh’s ear where his tattoo was and enjoying the sharp breath he heard Josh take. He smiled against his skin, his mind telling him this was _good_ and when he moved his face away from his neck, sinking gracefully to his knees, he couldn't help the little grin that formed on his face.

Josh let out a surprised yelp, before quickly whipping his shirt off and Tyler didn't hesitate to start unbuttoning his pants.

“These look great on you, Josh,” Tyler slurred, smiling lazily up at him before pulling them down his legs. “But they look better off.”

“You’re so fucking cliché,” Josh laughed loudly, beautiful laugh turning into a beautiful moan when Tyler palmed at his erection. “ _Fuck.”_

“Mm, yeah, don’t play smart. I’m in charge here.” Tyler hissed, pulling his boxers off in one quick motion and even he was surprised at how easy this was. Josh’s dick sprang up and Tyler admired it before Josh starting fidgeting against the door. “How badly do you want this Joshie?”

Tyler smirked, batting his eyelashes up at Josh innocently and he couldn't help the feeling of satisfaction that blossomed at the absolutely _wrecked_ look Josh was giving him.

“Please, please, _please,”_ Josh begged, voice just as wrecked as his face. “Oh _God,_ please, Tyler, _please.”_

Tyler grabbed Josh’s dick and he’ll be honest, he has no fucking clue how to suck a dick, but he’ll be damned if he backed out of this now. He was gonna show Josh he can do this and fuck, he’ll be _amazing_ at it. He racked his brain for any kind of information he had on this shit, but all he knew was that he shouldn't use teeth.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought and licked the tip of Josh’s dick before wrapping his lips around him. The best way to learn things is by winging them, so that’s what he’s gonna do. He let his lips slide further down, careful not to let his teeth graze Josh and okay, maybe he _wasn’t_ the best, but he was _trying._ He pulled off and licked the head again before going back down on him, taking him deeper and trying not to gag. He continued taking him for a few more seconds before pulling off again, his insecurities coming back in full force.

“I need you to tell me,” Tyler said, his voice hoarse and shaky. “If I'm good, I mean. I don't- I don't know if I’m doing this right.”

“Tyler,” Josh’s voice was so _awed_ that Tyer looked up at him before moving his attention back to Josh’s cock. He wrapped his lips back around him, going at a fast rhythm because he didn't know what the fuck he was doing and might as well get this over with. “You’re so beautiful. Fuck, _so beautiful.”_

Josh had called him beautiful before, when he was high and couldn't help it and Tyler figured this was the same situation because he was drunk, but then why was his heart suddenly racing even more than usual? Why was his face heating up?

He chuckled around Josh's dick, the fact he didn't choke a miracle in itself and tried to change his game, licking at his base and running his tongue along his dick, moving his hands to grips his thighs. He looked up at Josh, his long lashes casting shadows on his cheeks and Josh moaned obscenely loud.

“Fuck, your mouth was made for this. It’s a god damn _crime_ you’re straight when you've got a mouth like that on you.” Josh praised, tightening his hold on Tyler’s hair. Tyler felt his heart stutter in his chest and all he could do was hum against him in reply.

Josh groaned out a curse, thrusting his hips forward, further into Tyler’s mouth. Tyler pulled off of him, the hands gripping Josh’s hips pushing him back roughly and squeezing hard enough that he knows it’s going to bruise, but Josh’s face was a mask of pleasure and that was enough reassurance for Tyler’s drunk mind.

“Don’t,” Tyler began, his grip tightening. “Do that again.”

Josh nodded his head in understanding and with such want that Tyler was back on him, his lips working at a slow, torturous rhythm now, his hands keeping Josh’s hips in place. He glanced back up at him again and that must have been too much for Josh because he was tugging on his hair roughly.

“Tyler, stop, oh _fuck_ stop, I’m gonna-”

Tyler sped up his pace until he was sure Josh was close to the edge, close to letting himself go and when that point came, he pulled off of him, dropping his hands and getting up off his knees. Josh let out a small sob, while Tyler looked down and dragged his fingers up Josh’s stomach to his chest agonizingly slow until he was gripping his hair - careful not to let his little cat ears fall off - tightly between his fingers and bringing his lips to Josh’s neck and placing a gentle kiss, almost featherlight before laughing and biting at his jaw. This was like a power trip for him.

“You’ll come when I say and not a second sooner.” Tyler was staring at him now and Josh’s face contorted between fond and slight disappointment quickly. Tyler understood, after all he was torturing his poor boy.

 _His_ boy. All his.

He closed his eyes and found himself leaning forward, kissing Josh again, slower this time and more softly. He felt Josh smile into the kiss, and Tyler couldn't help but let himself smile too, until they were both letting out soft chuckles. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s neck and when his tongue wrapped up against Tyler’s, he couldn't help but place his hands against his hips. Tyler felt Josh’s naked hips rut against his fully clothed ones and his dick was so painfully hard at this point that this wasn't helping his situation.

He held onto Josh’s hips tighter, trying to stop him but Josh rolled his hips harder against him, moaning into their kiss. Tyler pulled away, ignoring Josh’s pathetic whine when he stepped away from him and took his shirt off, followed by his pants and boxers while Josh just watched him. He stumbled, kicking his stupid skinny jeans off, but he couldn't care less about that, not when he noticed that his paint has rubbed off on Josh’s hips and neck. He smirked, he was leaving more marks on him than he expected.

He doesn’t want to tease Josh anymore, he wants to get in him and fuck him senseless until he doesn't know anyone’s name but _his_.

“Where’s the lube?” Tyler asked, even though he knows exactly where it is by now, having used it multiple times and seen Josh go to get it.

“Under my bed.” Josh answered immediately and Tyler went over to it, squatting down and hearing a soft groan from behind him as he reached for the bottle and a condom. He turned back towards Josh and saw him reaching for his dick, but his glare stopped him in place. His glare conveyed the _don’t you dare touch yourself_ message pretty damn well, because Josh dropped his hands by his sides helplessly as Tyler reached him again.

He looked at the bottle, then back at Josh and back at it again. This was _another_ thing he didn't know how to do. How did Josh expect him to stick his fingers in his ass when he had no idea what the pleasurable part of that was? He didn't know how to twist his fingers like Josh and alright that was a bit of a lie because he did, he was just insecure about it.

“I can do it if you want,” Josh’s voice broke his train of thought and he looked back up at him, his eyes scanning his face for a sign of disapproval. “I can uh, prep myself and you can watch.”

“ _Please.”_ Tyler breathed and handed him the bottle, the entire prospect of watching Josh fuck into his own fingers appealing to Tyler more than it should.

Tyler watched as Josh positioned himself in front of the door, squirting some lube onto his fingers before handing the bottle to Tyler and turning to face the door, his entire back side visible to Tyler. He moved his fingers to his hole, gently pushing a finger into himself and Tyler could see him biting his lip to stop himself from moaning. His eyes moved down his back, watching his muscles contract as he moved his finger around and then, after less than 5 minutes, he added another finger into himself and this time he did let himself moan.

Tyler ripped the packet and rolled on the condom quickly, watching as Josh dropped the hand holding the door to his dick, stroking himself softly and letting a sob escape his throat again. He rolled himself back onto his fingers, moaning out _Tyler’s_ name and that sprang Tyler into action, grabbing his hand and effectively removing his fingers from his ass.

Josh sobbed at the lost contact, moving his ass back against Tyler, but he only pressed him further against the door.

“You’ve done this before, I’m sure you can handle me.” He told him absentmindedly, putting some lube on his hand and rubbing it along his dick. “You want this?”

“God, yes,” Josh arches back into him, rubbing himself on Tyler’s dick this time. “Fuck me. Hard _."_

Tyler pursed his lips, sending one final prayer to whoever the fuck he believed in anymore, to help him make this worth it for Josh. He wouldn't want him to leave him because he wasn't an awesome lay.

He pushed himself into Josh, letting his mouth drop open, the pleasure overcoming his senses already. He was so tight, but Tyler met no resistance as he thrust into him and let himself enjoy the feeling of being _inside_ Josh for a change. This wasn’t like anything he had ever experienced with girls; in fact, this was _better_ than fucking girls.

The thought snapped something in Tyler and suddenly he was pushing himself out of Josh and slamming himself back in, quickly finding a steady rhythm to follow. He was angry at himself for thinking that, he realized, and now he was taking it out on Josh.

_Shit._

“Can you take it, Joshie?” Tyler asked and if Josh so much as sobbed, or didn't answer he’d stop this shit before it even started.

“Trust me,” Josh replied and Tyler could tell he was smirking by the cocky edge that slipped into his voice. “There’s not much I _can’t_ take.”

“We’ll see about that.” Tyler growled and now he was thrusting into him harder, faster, trying to hit his prostate to give him the pleasure he wanted. He trailed his fingers up his spine, leaning in and kissing his neck softly. He shifted his hips, hearing Josh moan and press his head into the door before reaching down between his legs and-

“No,” Tyler stopped his movements, Josh whimpering and pressing his hand against the door. “Don’t touch yourself or I swear to God I won't let you come.”

“But-” Josh began, voice coming out hoarse and filled with lust.

“No, I don't want to hear it. Only good boys get to come.” Tyler told him and then after his inner fight added, “You don't want to make daddy angry now, do you?”

Josh gasped, rocking his hips backwards into Tyler. He turned his face around to look at Tyler then, eyes locking with his and Josh’s pupils were blown, fully dilated. “No, daddy.”

Tyler nodded, the way the word sounded falling off Josh’s tongue making it so much more appealing than it naturally was. He began moving again, thrusting quickly into him and Josh moved back, pushing himself deeper. Josh turned his neck back around, reaching a hand in the back of Tyler’s head to pull him forward in an open mouthed kiss, heated and frantic.

Tyler took this moment to reach between him to wrap his arms around Josh’s cock and stroke him slowly. Josh moaned into his mouth, tugging at his lower lip and Tyler moved his hands up until they were around his neck, fitting around it perfectly and keeping him there. Tyler slowed down his thrusts and matched them with the way he was kissing Josh before pulling away.

Josh let his forehead rest against the door again, Tyler’s hands around his neck trailing down his sides and to his hips again. He thrust into him again, stroking him and Josh let out a long moan lasting the span of a breath.

“Want us to get caught?” Tyler spit out, moving a hand up to his hair and tugging, this time the kitten ears falling to the ground. “Just because there's music playing doesn't mean they don't hear you, Joshie.”

Josh moaned again, shaking his head. Tyler stopped his movements and turned Josh around so that they were facing each other now. His fingers traced Josh’s face, his eyes, his nose, his eyebrows until his thumb was running along his red bottom lip softly. _He_ was so beautiful. Not him.

“Can’t even keep it down can you, pretty boy?” Tyler gripped his jaw, pulling him closer to his face. “Want somebody to see you like this? See that you're all mine?”

He saw something flash in Josh’s eyes and he leaned back, surprised.

“You _do._ ” Tyler growled and pushed Josh back against the door again, thrusting into him. “You’re such a whore.”

“I’m your whore.” Josh panted, never breaking eye contact with him and keeping his voice as steady as he can.

“All mine.” Tyler agreed, reaching between them to stroke Josh’s dick again, faster and harder. And now Tyler’s panting, his hips stuttering, their movement becoming sloppier and sloppier, while Josh's moans become louder and louder.

“I need to come, please let me come, I need- Please _daddy,”_ Josh begged and his face looked so beautiful, his eyes wide with need and Tyler couldn't really deny him if he tried.

“Then come for me, baby.” Tyler tells him sweetly, not understanding how he can even talk clearly when he’s so close to the edge. Josh sighed, pulling their mouths together as his muscles contracted and they both moaned in unison into each other's mouths and fell into complete bliss, Josh coming all over their stomachs.

Tyler’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest as he pulled out of Josh and rolled off the condom, stumbling over to throw it in the trash. He did it, he fucked Josh and he _liked_ it just as much as being fucked by Josh. He bent down putting on his boxers and jeans, before looking around for a towel or something to clean himself off and put his shirt on. He handed the towel to Josh, who looked as though he was in another universe, a soft smile permanently etched on his face.

Josh stumbled over to his bed after wiping himself down, pulling back the covers and getting into it. Tyler didn't want to leave him, he didn't, but he couldn't stay here with him either. It wasn’t right, it would mean some sort of feelings were being shared and yeah, Tyler cared for Josh, but that was a different kind of caring. He moved towards the door, trying to be as discreet as possible.

“You’re not going to stay?” Josh called out to him, voice soft and content. Tyler looked back over at him and shook his head, crushing the smile that was on Josh’s face. “Oh.”

“Why would I?” Tyler scoffed, his heart racing again and fuck, he didn't want to hurt Josh. He just had to keep the distance between love and caring so they wouldn't have a repeat of what happened last time.

“Yeah, of course. I understand.” Josh laughed and it sounded so forced and hurt that Tyler couldn't look at him anymore. He swallowed hard, nodding his head quickly and left the room without saying goodnight.

 

* * *

 

Brendon was a lot of things, he was manipulative, cocky, conceited, Josh may even call him insufferable, but out of every shitty thing anyone can call him, he prided himself at the fact he wasn’t an idiot.

He knew his plan would work, of course it would there was no reason it wouldn’t, so he brought it upon himself to order Josh a cake. It was a very simple cake, vanilla mixed with chocolate and a small message that read ‘ _congrats on the sex’_ printed on it in blue icing.

The night before was a bit of a blur, he had been drunk out of his mind and he vaguely remembered things, like how pissed Ryan was with him, but he woke up naked in his bed so it couldn't have been _that_ bad after all. Everyone always says that hate sex is the best sex.

He was smiling when he walked back into his dorm, making his way to his room and admiring his cake that  he had picked up with Josh’s car. Really, nothing would get done if he didn't steal Josh’s keys most of the time.

He walked into the room, locking his eyes on Josh already. Josh was wearing his cross leggings with his basketball shorts over them, with a white tank top and a SnapBack on his head. He was drumming on the desk, staring off in the distance and Brendon laughed because he’d been in that same chair doing the same things days ago.

“I got you a cake,” Brendon told him happily, placing it on the desk and letting Josh read the writing. “Felt it fit the occasion.”

Josh pushed the cake away, getting up and moving towards his bed, not saying a word. Brendon’s brain was blaring warning bells now as he watched him place his hands on his knees. Josh looked up at Brendon, smiling sadly before reaching out his hand towards him and laying down on his side. Brendon grabbed his hand quickly, wrapping his fingers in his own and leaned down to curl up beside him.

“What happened, Josh?” Brendon asked softly, his other hand reaching up to pet his hair affectionately.

“Nothing,” Josh assured him, snuggling into him. “All my fantasies were met. He just, he left me. Last night.”

Brendon grit his teeth together, jaw locking so he wouldn't say anything to set off Josh because lord knows he’d defend his precious Tyler until his last dying breath. He looked him over, noticing the bruises on his neck, hickeys and finger marks and he shook his head.

“It’s okay,” He kissed his cheek and got up, walking towards the door. “It'll all be okay.”

Josh didn't bother trying to stop him as he went and knocked on Tyler’s door. He waited, looking around at the _mess_ their floor was in until Tyler finally opened the door. Brendon fixed him with a glare, pushing his way into his room.

“What do you want?” Tyler groaned, rubbing his shoulder.

“What the hell is _wrong_ with you?” Brendon snarled, crossing his arms so he wouldn't punch the guy.

“What? What did I do?” Tyler asked confused and Brendon could have sworn he saw red.

“You can't just fuck and degrade someone and then just leave them, Tyler!” Brendon exploded, dropping his arms and taking a step towards Tyler.

“Does Josh tell you everything?” Tyler seethed, fully awake and alert now.

“He doesn’t have to when you guys are fucking screaming,” Brendon told him lowly. “He didn’t have to tell me shit when I heard you two myself when it was happening.”

“Uh.” Tyler blushed, not being able to form a coherent sentence and Brendon smacked him upside the head.

“At least wait until he falls asleep before you leave him, you fucking prick.”

“It’s none of your business what we do.” Tyler shoved him away, matching Brendon’s glare.

“It is my business when you're leaving bruises on him,” Brendon hissed. “What were you doing, choking him? Do you even have a safe word?”

"A safe word?” Tyler questioned, bewildered. He leaned back against the wall, watching Brendon.

“You've got to be kidding me. You don't know what a-” Brendon cut himself off and grabbed Tyler’s hand, pulling him with him. “This is a joke. You two are fucking idiots.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, following Brendon into his room and Josh looked up, shocked to see Tyler but quickly composing himself.

“Hey, Ty.” He nodded, smiling and Brendon didn't understand why he faked his emotions so much.

“Shut up with that shit.” Brendon answered for Tyler and Josh shrugged, muttering something about being polite. “You two need to come up with rules if you're going to continue this.”

“Rules?” They both asked at the same time and Josh added, “We don't need them.”

“Of course you need them! Tyler was choking you last night and you didn't have a _safe word_. What if he killed you?” Brendon was starting to think he was the only sensible one in the room.

“Well, he didn't,” Josh added sharply and not helpfully. “And he won't.”

“He won't because you'll have your rules.” Brendon motioned for all of them to take a seat on the floor as he gathered 3 pens and a piece of paper. Tyler was being awfully compliant thus far. Maybe he was _sort_ of smart.

Brendon waited expectantly for one of them to start writing, but all they did was stare at the paper blankly. Brendon was gonna kill both of them.

“First rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club.” Tyler said, glancing shyly over at Josh.

They locked eyes for a few seconds and Brendon held his breath because he didn't know what to expect. The tension in the room was unbelievable. When the two of them burst out laughing, Brendon smiled too, letting out the breath he’d been holding.

“I love fight club!” Josh laughed and Tyler nodded, saying he knows. “I love Tyler.”

The two of them stopped laughing, stared at each other again, before smirking and shouting “ _T_ _yler Durden!”_ and dissolving into laughter again.

Brendon could see how this could end up in their favour; they _could_ end up happy together someday, but he knew people like Tyler would never give people like Josh the time of day. He’d have to keep his eye on Josh and make sure he remembered this wasn't a relationship, it was fun and games.

And everything was always fun and games until something went horribly wrong.

 

* * *

 

**bolded - Josh**

_Italics - Tyler_

**_bolded italics - Brendon_ **

 

**_Home Oh Sexual Rules For Fuckboys_ **

 

**^ fuck u Brendon**

 

 **1.**   **Don't talk about fight club.**

 **2** _ **.** Do not involve others._  **Too late, Brendon knows.** _So does Patrick._ ** ~~What the fu~~ whatever.  _Do not involve others (Besides me and trick)_** _  
_

**3.** _Can only fuck eachother. ( ~~ **Brendon is the exception)**~~ fuck off brendon. _

 **4\. We gotta stay with each other until the other falls asleep.** _Fine._

 **5. _Safe Word:_ monkeyslut? ** _wtf Josh._ **What?? You'll know something's wrong if I say that!** _ok true. **This is fucking amazing.**_

 **6.** _Tyler gets to top Monday-Thursday, Josh gets Friday-Sunday._ **why do you get to top more?** _shut up I gave you the weekend, asshole._ **point taken.**

 **7\. for the love of god don't play shitty music during sex.** _the fuck does that mean?_ **you played kesha last time.** _listen, my phone was on shuffle stfu._

 **8\. Punishment for misbehaviour.** _This is so kinky._ **spank me daddy.** _SHUT UP JOSH. ~~ **im gonna throw up.**~~_

 **9\. don't get mad if we hang out with other people because this is not a relationship so there's no reason you should get jealous. _THROW THAT SHADE @ TYLER, JOSH._** _I hate this rule, I don't get jealous anyway._ **ok buddy!**

 **10.** _One more to make this shit even because odd numbers are ugly._

**11\. ur ugly**

**12.** _*you're a dick :)_


	9. I've got this anxious feeling (but it goes away for a minute when I'm with you breathing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this is Kai aka youngvolcahoes.  
> I just wanted to add a quick note saying bless the lord for Babs because when I pitched her my idea for this fic I never thought she take it and run. She's given my ideas life and IT IS SO GOOOOD. I promise you guys this fic is going to be worth the wait. We have such plans for it.

“No.” Josh mumbles to his phone - that was ringing obnoxiously loud for lord knows what time in the morning - and rolls over away from it, hoping that whoever it is would get the hint that he was _sleeping_ and leave him alone.

When the ringing stops Josh sighs, relaxing into his blankets again until the stupid phone went off again. He snaps his eyes open and turns around, grabbing the phone and glaring at it.

"Shut the fucking thing off!” Brendon groans from his side of the room and Josh rolls his eyes, answering without checking who it is.

“I'm sleeping.”

“Sorry.” Tyler’s voice came through the speaker and Josh instantly perked up - and lost his breath - before pulling his phone away from his ear for a second to check the time. 8:32am. “Can you come over?”

Tyler's voice was muffled, like he was snuggled in his blankets too and Josh would have said no, fuck that, I'm staying in the comfort of my own bed if it weren't for the fact that _Tyler_ was calling him.

Josh tells him he’ll be over in a second, getting out of bed just as he hangs up the phone. He put on a pair of sweats, went over and affectionately pet Brendon’s head who sighs at the touch and left the room, stepping cautiously towards Tyler’s door. Tyler had briefly said that he told Patrick to leave the door unlocked for him, so Josh let himself in and smiles at the sight in front of him.

Tyler had rolled himself into his covers, wrapping them around his body tight and effectively turning himself into a burrito of nothing but comfort and quite frankly, Josh is jealous.

“Tyler,” Josh sings, skipping over to his bed after closing the door. Tyler cracks an eye open and smiles at him. “You gonna let me in?”

“Nah, I’m comfy.” Tyler giggles when Josh glares at him, shifting slightly in the sheets.

Josh reaches for the covers to try and pull them off, but Tyler just holds them in a tighter death grip, the sheets not budging as Josh tugs. Josh whines, giving up his weak attempt at getting Tyler to let go and decides that Tyler is a dick. It was early and Josh willingly got out of bed to be treated like _this_.

Unacceptable.

Josh turns around, also deciding that if Tyler was going to be a dick then so was he. He walked towards the door, not actually planning to leave, but trying his best to make it look like he was so Tyler would feel guilty.

“No, Josh, come back.” Tyler says and Josh smiles victoriously. He turns around and notices that Tyler has unrolled himself and is holding the covers open toward him with a pleading look on his face.

Josh walks back over, getting in the small bed with him, the  memory of Tyler freaking out on the inside the first time he slept in this bed with him coming to mind. He smiles as Tyler drops the covers, curling into Josh and placing a hand on his chest before burying his face into his neck. Josh holds his breath, relaxing when Tyler lets out a content sigh, the breath ghosting over Josh’s skin and making goosebumps rise.

“Ty, what are you doing?” Josh turns his face to look at Tyler, trying to figure out why he had called him to come here in the first place instead of Jenna.

“I didn't want to go to class.” Tyler mumbles, lips brushing Josh’s neck and making a shiver roll up his spine.

“Oh.” Josh whispers back and Tyler pulls away to look down at him, lip caught between his teeth.

“Will you stay with me?” Tyler asks, looking back down shyly, that hopeful tone creeping into his voice. Josh’s heart swells up in his chest as he nods, a smile gracing his lips.

“What are we going to do?” Tyler tangles his leg with Josh’s, his hand resting on his bare chest as he shrugs.

“I don't know. Sleep.” He nuzzles his face back into Josh’s neck, but Josh let out a surprised chuckle.

“Why do you need me here for that?” Josh wasn't complaining, not at all, he was just _confused_. Tyler pulls away to look at his face again, hazel staring into chocolate brown eyes.

“I wanted to cuddle and I-” Josh notices how pink Tyler’s cheeks are, lifting his hand up to trace his fingertips softly over one of them, mesmerized. Tyler leans into the touch like a cat. “I just wanted to be with you.”

“Okay.” Josh grins, and turns onto his side snaking his arm around Tyler’s waist to pull their bodies closer.

Tyler sighs in relief and lays his head on Josh’s chest, tucking it under his chin. Josh couldn't help the small glimmer of hope that blossoms in his chest. He presses a gentle kiss on the top of Tyler’s head, feeling more relaxed than he had in weeks.

Tyler hums happily, making Josh’s heartbeat accelerate and he was pretty sure Tyler could hear it pounding in his chest frantically. There was no way he couldn't. He was going to apologize, his paranoia getting the best of him before he hears Tyler’s soft snore and stops himself completely.

Tyler had fallen asleep to the sound of Josh’s heartbeat and the heat creeps up Josh’s neck and face. He licks his lips, looking down at Tyler and threading his fingers through his hair, careful not to wake him up. This was the first time he’d be able to fall asleep next to Tyler and finally wake up with him next to him, too. That _had_ to mean something. Tyler shifts on top of him and Josh takes his hand away, a small smile on his face.

He closes his eyes, letting Tyler’s soft snores lull him to sleep.

 

\---

 

Josh wakes up to the feeling of someone running their fingers along his arm. For a second, he forgets where he is and panics at the fact he was holding someone. The grogginess leaves him when he turns his head, catching a glimpse of Tyler’s relaxed face and having his mind remind him of what had happened before. Tyler had wanted to cuddle and Josh hadn't pegged him for the cuddling type.

Tyler looks back at him and smiles. Josh wondered how long he’d been awake for, probably bored out of his mind as Josh slept.

“Hi,” Tyler turns over on his side, his fingers still tracing the tattoos on Josh’s arm, then adds more quietly. “I love your tattoos.”

“Yeah?” Josh’s voice comes out hoarse and deep. He clears his throat, looking down at his arm and admiring it, too.

He loves his tattoos, it had taken him so long to get it done and finished and he couldn't have been happier over the finished product. He remembers saving up his money from his summer job for this specific sleeve of his and when he dropped the bomb that he was getting it to his mother she almost fainted in surprise. 

“Mhm,” Tyler hums, looking over at him and biting his lip thoughtfully, as if he was considering what he was going to say next. “I wrote a poem about them in my English class.”

“Really?” Josh laughs, turning over onto his side to get a better view of Tyler without straining his neck. He bends his elbow and lays his head on the palm of his hand, waiting.

“Yeah,” Tyler bites his lip again, before letting it go and Josh couldn't help but stare at his mouth now, red and pouting. “It’s not really good.”

Josh scoffs, momentarily forgetting how badly he wants to kiss Tyler. “Oh, come on. Just tell me it.”

“ _I like to trace your tattoos in complete darkness, when I can't see them and you're unaware.”_ Tyler recites from memory. “ _I’m sure of where they are, know by heart the swirls of blue, orange and green running entrancingly along your arm._ ”

“And red, yellow and black.” Josh adds, his heart thumping rapidly in his chest. He knew Tyler wasn't telling him the whole poem by the way he stopped abruptly, but Josh didn't care. Tyler had written a poem thinking of _him._

“I can only list so many colours before it sounds stupid,” Tyler tells him, a sigh escaping his lips as he turns onto his back and stares at the ceiling. “It wasn't very good. I’m not much of a poet.”

Josh hears the bitter edge that creeps its way into Tyler's voice and he wonders why he was annoyed. A lot of people weren't good at writing poems. Take him for example, he was a grade A example of a shit writer.

“We had to, like, describe something using vivid imagery and two sentences.” Tyler tries to explain, running a hand through his hair frustratedly. “It’s dumb.”

“I thought it sounded pretty sick.” Josh reaches his tattooed arm out towards Tyler, running his fingers through his fluffy hair. It was a miracle Tyler hadn't asked him to leave yet.

Neither of them spoke after that and Josh wasn't even mad that Tyler hadn't thanked him for the compliment. He let go of Tyler’s hair and turned over to lay on his back, enjoying the silence. It wasn’t awkward or anything, it was… comforting.

Josh didn't remember the last time he had to do school work; he usually passed his courses by the skin of his teeth - and by charming the fuck out of his teachers - but he wasn't sure how well that plan was supposed to work for college professors. So far he’d done alright on all the tests his teachers had handed out, but he knew deep down that all those dumb projects were bound to get hounded on him sooner or later.

The thought of projects struck a chord in Josh’s brain that he had been trying to avoid thinking about for weeks now. He just felt that it didn't benefit anybody if he brought it back up and things were going _so_ good right now, he didn't want to ruin it. But then again, Josh had never been one to conform to his thoughts and keep his mouth shut in the first place.

“A few weeks ago, when you and Jenna had argued,” Josh licks his lips nervously, trying to stop his throat from closing up. “Did you mean what you said?”

He knew that Tyler understood what he meant by the way he looked at him with those sad, big brown eyes of his, but he looks away from him quickly and rubs at his nose.

“What do you mean?” Tyler asks anyway and Josh turns on his side again, glaring at him.

“About me being a project.”

Josh couldn't help the way his voice cracked on the word _project_ and he couldn't help the fact angry tears had pricked the back of his eyes and he absolutely could not help the way it hurt him that Tyler had blatantly chose not to answer his question straightforwardly.

“I didn't mean any of it.” Tyler answers, locking his eyes with Josh's and he didn't know if he could trust him.

Tyler had lied to him one too many times to keep from hurting his feelings, what made now any different?

“Josh,” Tyler places a hand on his cheek, gently stroking his thumb along his cheekbone. “I swear to you that everything I said was a lie. I would never use you like that, ever.”

“Then why would you say that stuff about me?” Josh felt his chin quiver and he bites his lip. He _wasn't_ going to cry in front of Tyler.

“Jenna felt threatened by you,” Tyler let his hand move down to cup his jaw and Josh let go of his lower lip to let Tyler run his thumb along it. “I had to say something to get her off my back.”

Josh felt the feeling of wanting to cry leave his body and it was replaced with a surge of confidence which made him think he could suddenly be daring. When Tyler went to stroke his thumb along his lip again, Josh opened his mouth and let his tongue stroke up against it as he slipped it into his mouth.

Tyler gasps, eyes going wide, but he doesn't  pull away from him. He just watches him, starting to shift on the bed, more and more agitated as time passes and Josh wanted to tap himself on the back. Get Tyler horny and desperate, only to swerve having sex with him. That'll teach him a lesson for fucking with him.

He pulls away from Tyler, letting his hand drop back onto the mattress of the bed. Josh just looks up at him, grinning from ear to ear.

“She should be. I _am_ fucking her boyfriend after all.”

“Yeah, you are.” Tyler answers breathlessly, rolling on top of him, his thighs landing on either side of Josh’s hips.

This was not good, not good at all. Josh’s plan wasn't going to work if he had Tyler grinding down on him and begging for it because Josh was weak - _so weak -_ and would give in to him.

Tyler leans down, attempting to kiss him when suddenly Josh’s stomach growls and potentially ruins the moment entirely. Josh was fucking starving he wouldn't lie, but as soon as he saw Tyler’s dominant exterior turn into one of surprise, he took that second of weakness to flip him off and climb out of the bed, ignoring Tyler’s sounds of protest.

“Where are you going?” Tyler demands, clenching his jaw and narrowing his eyes.

“I’m hungry.” Josh shrugs and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He unlocks it, clicking on the messages box - he only had one, he wasn't very popular - and sighing at the message.

Brendon: _don’t forget to take your pills, bitch._

Josh sighs again, feeling the bitter resentment towards himself build up in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't help himself when he sends back _what, are you my therapist now?_

He turns around when Tyler cleared his throat, dressed in his skinny jeans and black t-shirt, arm tattoos on full display and black beanie on his head. Josh ignores the _want_ he felt for Tyler and left the room, Tyler following closely behind him. Josh stops in front of his door, shaking his head at the purple sticky note attached onto it, the click of Tyler locking his door sounding softly next to him.

“What is it?” Tyler asks, leaning over his shoulder to have a look only to have Josh just snatch the ‘ _l_ _ove you! -beebo’_ note and shrug.

Brendon always left him cute shit like this back in high school too, when they decided to share a locker because his was too far of a walk. Leaving sticky notes to each other had quickly become a thing and it was always more amusing than texting. Josh just assumed they would drop this habit they’d had going, because, well, they live with each other now. Guess not.

“I'll only be a second.” He assures Tyler as he slips into his room to find something to wear, letting Tyler wait outside because fuck it, if Tyler comes inside they'll never leave.  

Josh took off his sweats, opting for his black jeans and a oversized shirt his mother had got him when she vacationed to the Bahamas without him. He felt down and he knew he should just take his damn pills even though he didn't want to. He shouldn't need them anymore, he was _happy._ As happy as anyone normal can be, really.

He opens the drawer attached to his desk and grudgingly took out the bottle, opening it and swallowing the pills dry. He’d been taking them for so long he could do that now. He wasn't taking them for himself, not really, he was taking them to make his mother and Brendon happy. He closes the cap and all but throws them back into the drawer, slamming it shut.

He sat down on his bed, waking up the sleeping cat next to him. He accidentally jostles the poor thing, so he apologizes to him for it because fuck, he couldn't do anything right could he? He couldn't even let his cat sleep in peace.

He pet him one last time and pulled his docs onto his feet. He checks the silver bowl at the corner of the room - one that he and Brendon had both contributed to buying - to make sure there was food and smiles at how his kitten had curled up against him, pressed against his thigh. He had enough food for now, but if anything Brendon could just refill it for him later.

He gets up, grabbing a pen and a sticky note, messily writing ‘ _love you too. feed the cat! -joshua’_  before putting on his leather jacket and going outside to place it on the door for Brendon.

Josh didn't know when he’d get back, but he didn't care, not when Tyler wanted to hang out with him and was reading what he’d written with a slightly pointed look on his face.

“I don’t like how much time Brendon spends with our son.” Tyler mutters, sticking his hands in his pockets. Josh didn't notice when Tyler had grabbed a jacket, but the multicoloured one he wore right now worked wonders.

“It’s fine, Tyler.” Josh walks toward the stairs, hearing Tyler huff next to him.

“No, it’s not fine! I’m the cat’s father, I should be with him more.” Tyler clucks his tongue. “Besides, Brendon is a bad influence.”

“Rule number 9, babe.” Josh reminds him, taking his car keys out of his jacket.

“Fuck your rules!” Tyler groans, throwing his hands in front of him. “It’s my cat just as much as it is yours.”

Josh nods getting into the car, smiling to himself over Tyler’s possessiveness.

“And why the _fuck_ doesn't the cat have a name?” Tyler continues when he gets in the passenger seat, next to Josh. “Are you too hipster for your cat to have a name?”

“What do you want to name the cat?” Josh reverses out of his parking space and starts to drive away from the school.

“I don't know, like, maybe _Donnie?”_

When Josh reaches a red light, he turns and gives Tyler a look. Tyler gives him one back, and next thing they knew they were glaring off against each other. Josh curses when the light turns green and he has to look away.

“That is the dumbest name I've ever heard.”

“You know what, take me back. I don't want to go anywhere with you.” Tyler crosses his arms glaring outside the windshield, a small pout on his lips.

Josh rolls his eyes. “Too late now.”

“Where are you taking me anyway?” Tyler looks over at Josh from the corner of his eye and Josh grins.

“To eat,” Josh shrugs, looking over at him. “Thought I made that real clear.”

“I'm not hungry.” Tyler deadpans and then motions forward. “Pay attention to the road.”

“You gotta eat, baby boy. I promise you'll love it, it’s the best food ever.” Josh shifts his gaze to the road even though he wants to continue staring at Tyler’s pouting face.

“Yeah, whatever.” Tyler mutters and when Josh looks over at him again, he was _still_ pouting and glaring.

Josh bit his lip to stop himself from calling Tyler adorable. He didn't want to rile him up even more, although he loves seeing him get feisty. Besides, he knew that Tyler hadn't eaten anything all day and that was the reason for his crankiness in the first place.

He pulls up into the Taco Bell parking lot and the two of them got out of the car. Josh didn't miss the unimpressed look Tyler tosses his way.

“Do you not like Taco Bell?” Josh asks and really, this question was the make or break of their entire friendship.

“I’ve never had it.”

“ _What?”_

“Jenna and I usually go to Chipotle.” Tyler shrugs, hiding his face in his shoulder as they moved forward in the line. Josh forced himself not to scowl at the mention of Jenna.

“That is so upsetting, just.” Josh was at a loss of words. Tyler betrayed him. “Just go get us a table, I'll order for us.”

Tyler shrugs, not seeing the big deal. It was a big deal, alright. It was a huge deal. Josh couldn't be associated with someone who didn't like Taco Bell, it just wouldn't work out.

It _wouldn't._

He orders 2 crunch wraps and supreme fries and when he finally got them - service was fucking slow today - he walks over to fill their cups with baja blasts and then over to where Tyler was sitting, playing candy crush on his phone. He jumps when Josh sat down in the seat across from him and slams the tray down. Josh couldn’t believe how cute he was with his cheeks tinting a light shade of pink.

“This is what I usually order so I thought you’d like it too.” Josh says happily, opening his bag, taking out the wrap and taking a bite.

Tyler stares at him, then down at his food. He opens to box of fries and wrinkles his nose. He picks up a plastic fork and pokes at the fries while Josh swallows his food.

“What is this?” Tyler continues poking at the beef and cheese on his fries.

“It’s the greatest food you'll ever eat.” Josh says defensively. He’d defend Taco Bell's honour until he died.

“I’m not convinced.” Tyler replies, his eyes meeting Josh’s and he was biting his lip and damn, he knew what biting his lip did to Josh.

“Sorry princess, I didn't know you were such a picky eater.” Josh scoffs and took another bite of his food, waiting for Tyler to do the same. Instead Tyler lifts his hand and flips him off. “Oh my god, just try it, Ty.”

Finally Tyler tries some of the fries, his eyes going wide and a moan escapes his lips as he chews and swallows. Josh coughs, his jeans suddenly constricting in the crotch area and he just stares at Tyler who was taking bites of his food, little moans stuck in the back of his throat and it wasn't fair. Tyler couldn't do this to him, not when they were in public and Josh couldn't really do anything about it.

Josh tries to act like none of this was affecting him, that he was fine with it so he continues eating his own food while he focuses intently on Tyler’s lips and the way they were curving up slightly in enjoyment and God, Tyler should _not_ make him this horny when he was just trying to _eat._

He didn't deserve this.

A whine accidentally forms in his throat and Tyler looks over at him, eyebrow raised in question.

“Do you like it?” Josh asks lamely, knowing he was about to get caught.

Tyler stares at him, tongue flicking out to lick his lips and Josh really did try to force himself to look away, but his lips were absolutely sinful right now, all red and wet. They stretch out into a smirk and Josh knows he’s fucked.

“It’s amazing.” Tyler tells him, taking another bite and letting a quiet moan drift off between them. Josh shifts in his seat, suddenly not hungry for Taco Bell.

“You’re such a tease.” Josh accuses, rubbing his palms into his eyes and gritting his teeth together to ignore the obvious bulge in his jeans now. Tyler’s laugh rang in his ears and it was the loveliest sound he’s ever heard.

“I know.”

 

\---

 

“Tyler.” Josh fists his right hand in the sheets, rolling his head to the side with his mouth hanging open slightly.

Tyler hums around Josh’s dick, tongue pressing along his length and hollows his cheeks. Josh couldn't deny in the slightest that Tyler had gotten so much better at this. He was never bad, but practise makes perfect is a real thing that works and the way Tyler was able to work Josh up like this was absolute magic.

“You’ve gotta stop,” Josh tells him, though he doesn't stop him. “Brendon’s class finishes soon and I want to be inside you.”

Tyler pulls off of him with a whine and the precome and spit on his chin made Josh’s hand lift up to wipe it on it’s own.

“That’s fair, I guess.” Tyler agrees, not phased by Josh’s touch, simply opening his mouth and licking at Josh’s thumb. Josh makes a noise at the back of his throat, Tyler was so hot and he was playing a dangerous game.

“Get up here so I can-” Josh tries to finish the sentence, but Tyler getting up and sitting on his lap stops him.

They were both naked, the second they got back from their date - Josh is pretending it was - they knew they had a countdown until Brendon got back and had chucked their clothes. Tyler had pushed Josh onto the bed, getting on his knees and well, who was Josh to stop him from willingly giving him oral pleasure?

Tyler smiles down at him, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss along his lips, surprising Josh. He closes his eyes, savouring it. Tyler wasn’t usually like this and Josh knew it wasn’t a big deal. But why did he feel like it was?

Tyler pulled away, biting Josh’s lip in the process and smiling. “I already prepped myself.”

“You, what?” Josh manages to choke out as Tyler rips the condom package - that Josh had put on the side of the bed, along with the lube and their phones - and rolled it onto Josh. Josh moans, gripping Tyler’s hips harder than he should be. “ _You prepped yourself while you were blowing me?_ ”

“I can multitask.” Tyler shrugs, like it wasn't one of the most attractive things he’s ever done. Tyler doesn't wait for a reply before he lifts himself up, slowly sinking himself down onto Josh’s cock and closes his eyes, letting out a soft moan.

Josh's head was spinning and he wasn’t drunk _or_ high, but Tyler was _riding_ him and he needed to give himself some credit for not hyperventilating at the fact. Sure, this wasn't the first time Tyler’s done this, but he usually decided to ride him when they were both high out of their minds and by the next morning he’d be gone, pretending it never happened.

Tyler liked to straddle his hips, Josh realized a few weeks ago, it made him feel like he was in control; Josh didn't mind, he liked being dominated just as much as he liked being dominating and really, if Tyler _wants_ to boss him around then he _can_ and Josh would oblige to every command he gave him.

Tyler rocks his hips, moving his hands up to hold on to Josh’s shoulders, steadying himself and Josh grips his hips, helping him and guiding him down while pressing him closer. Tyler’s dick was pressing firmly on both their stomachs now and Josh let go of one of Tyler’s hips to spit on his hand and jerk him off. Tyler lets out a groan, dropping his head onto Josh’s shoulder and continues to rock his hips and Josh loves it.

He loves the way Tyler always leans into him, pressing himself as close to him as possible. He loves the way he’d bite his lip raw, as if it were a habit. He loves the way he’d moan his name. He loves-

Josh squeezes Tyler’s hip, hard enough to bruise and Tyler whimpers moving his head out from Josh’s neck, tilting it to the side. Josh leans up and kisses it, nipping at his neck and finally making himself useful by thrusting up to meet Tyler.

He didn't love him. Not that way. He loved him like a brother, he wasn't _in_ love with him. He’d never do that to himself again.

He thought it over and over again, reminding himself what happened last time he got attached to him like that and he couldn't go through it again. It’d be too much, especially now, when he’d had Tyler like this, had marked him up and made him his when last time all he had the chance to do was pine over him and wish he felt the same.

Josh felt the familiar heat creep up into his stomach and leaned up higher to press his lips to Tyler’s, easily slipping his tongue into Tyler's waiting mouth before _MKTO’s Classic_ started playing throughout the room, making the two jump apart.

They stare at each other, Tyler looking down at Josh, hips stopped and forehead pressed against his before his head whips over to his phone. He curses softly before reaching over to answer it, making Josh raise his eyebrow. Usually they ignored their phones when they fucked. Like, especially now, when Tyler was still sitting on his dick.

“Hey-” Tyler stops abruptly, pursing his lips and looking apologetically at Josh. “No, I-”

Tyler sighs through his teeth and rocks his hips against Josh, earning him a surprised little gasp. He smirks at Josh and rolls his eyes at whatever the person on the phone was saying.

“I'm sick, Jen.” He tells them - Jenna, Josh figures - and shrugs, grinding his hips down again and Josh being Josh decided to have fun and thrust up. Tyler’s eyes widen as he stifles his moan with a cough. “I-I didn't want to throw up in class.”

Tyler glares down at Josh mouthing ‘ _you’re dead’_ before focusing back to what his girlfriend was yelling at him for.

Josh fights back a laugh at his lie and at the threat, not wanting to give himself away. Jenna had no clue what they had going on and Josh felt himself well up with pride at how good at keeping secrets he and Tyler were.

“Oh.” Tyler says quietly, looking down at Josh, eyelashes casting shadows on his cheeks. He bites his lip. “Yeah, I'll be there in five.”

Wait.

Josh watches as Tyler hangs up the phone and wraps his arms around him when he tries to get up. He wasn't going to leave Josh hanging like this was he? That would be plain cruel.

“You can't leave _now_.” Josh insists. Tyler sighs again.

“I have to.”

“You’re going to leave me, after cuddling you earlier, to go and cuddle your girlfriend?” Josh scowls, he can't help it. He had heard her mention something about cuddling and now he was offended.

“Yes?” Tyler tears himself away from Josh, going and picking up his clothes before tossing them on the bed and putting them on one by one, his erection still bulging in his boxers.

Josh was going to ask him who was going to take care of that for him when he realizes that Tyler has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend and okay, she wasn't having sex with him, but she was still doing oral things with him. Foreplay. For some reason this fact lays heavy on Josh’s chest and he feels like he can't breathe.

He takes a deep breath, reminding himself that _he_ wasn't Tyler’s boyfriend.

“Alright dude,” Josh nods, playing at understanding. “See you.”

Tyler looks up once he’s buttoned his jeans, grabbing his shirt in the process. He walks over to Josh, kissing his forehead and tossing his shirt on while Josh’s heart flutters in his chest.

“You and Brendon can come over later, yeah?” Tyler suggests, tangling his hand in Josh’s hair. “Bring Donnie with you.”

“Mmm, I guess,” Josh says. “I don't know a Donnie, though.”

Tyler rolls his eyes and lets go of Josh, shoving on his flower vans, waving goodbye and leaving Josh naked and alone and with a very hard, very painful dick.

Josh felt even worse when it clicked in his mind that Tyler would always choose Jenna over him.

Brendon walks in a few minutes later and Josh is still naked and hard, only now he had thrown out the condom and had his head resting in his hands.

“Well shit,” Brendon whistles for effect. “It smells like sex and disappointment in here.”

Josh doesn’t even look up at him, he can't believe he didn't see this coming. Tyler would never choose him. Josh wasn’t his first go-to person, hell he probably wasn't even his  _second._

“Do you need a hand there buddy, or are you just going to use your own?”

Josh looks over to where Brendon is leaning on the wall, staring him down.

“Fuck off, Bren.” He groans and runs a hand through his hair. He would have liked it if Tyler was the one pulling on his hair right now.

Brendon laughs as though Josh just told him the funniest joke before walking over until he’s right in front of him and dropping to his knees without a second thought.

Josh couldn't help but stare down at him, his mouth twitching up into a smirk when Brendon pushes his hands away and takes him into his mouth, knowing exactly how he likes it.

Josh thrusts into Brendon’s mouth and moans when he hits the back of his throat. Fuck Brendon for being so good to him and not letting him dwell in his misery. Tyler wouldn't be able to deepthroat him like this, not when he’d only sucked dick a handful of times.

Brendon let his tongue run over the head of Josh’s dick before pulling off of him abruptly. Josh looks down at him, confused.

“Seriously, what happened?”

“Can’t we have this conversation after you finish?” Josh whines, pulling his lip between his teeth the way he knew drove Brendon crazy.

“No,” Brendon hesitates, shaking his head. “Feelings first. Why am I sucking you off instead of lover boy?”

“He was riding me until his girlfriend called him,” Josh explains, wanting Brendon to get back to sucking his dick as fast as possible. “She’s more important than me so he left.”

“My poor baby.” Brendon says softly, getting up and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Josh grunts and hugs him back.

“Brendon I love you,” Josh pushes at his hips to get him to let go. “But I swear to god if your mouth isn't back on my dick in 5 seconds, I will punch you.”

Brendon laughs, sinking back to his knees and finishing the job Tyler hadn’t. Josh comes into Brendon’s mouth and he licks it all up, like he usually did and Josh just watches him, mouth watering at the sight of Brendon like this. They hadn't really been intimate lately, with Brendon having Ryan and Josh having Tyler. Josh pulls him up and kisses him, hot and dirty.

“Want me to-” Josh breathes once they pull away and gestures to Brendon’s body.

“If you want to.” Brendon moans when Josh pulls him closer by his belt loops, bodies pressed flush against each other.

“I’ll _always_ want to.” Josh promises, knowing full well he’ll always keep this one.

 

\---

 

Josh and Brendon clean up their mess and shower all in the time it took for Tyler to text Josh that he should come over instead of him since he was on his way back up anyway. Josh shrugs, texting him back saying he didn't mind and that the door was unlocked.

When do they ever bother to lock the door anymore?

Brendon and Josh were watching TV, laughing at how Leslie told everyone to pretend Jerry was never born because he wrote on the board in permanent marker.

“You remind me of April.” Brendon nudges Josh jokingly when she says something morbid.

“Does that make you Andy?” Josh retaliates and then under his breath, “Fucking moron.”

"I could be,” Brendon kisses his cheek. “Does that make Tyler and Jenna, Leslie and Ben?”

“Hell no.” Josh says pulling away from him, appalled. “How dare you disrespect Leslie and Ben like that? They’re like Jerry and his wife, because none of us can believe Tyler is dating someone like Jenna when he can be with me.”

It slips out before Josh can stop it and he clamps his mouth shut, eyes glancing over at Brendon who thankfully doesn’t comment. Josh nudges his foot on Brendon’s lap to annoy him and then coos over to the cat when it jumps onto the bed, laying in the space between them. Brendon absentmindedly reaches over to pet him and Josh feels as though he can burst from the cuteness of it all.

The door opens and the two snapped their heads over, covering their eyes and groaning when Tyler opens the lights. Josh’s smile slips from his face when he notices the petite blonde next to Tyler.

“Hey.” Tyler grins, sitting down on _Josh’s_ bed as Brendon turns off the tv. Jenna sits on the bed next to him and Josh clenches his teeth together. If only she knew what they did on that bed.

“‘Sup Tyler?” Brendon says casually, petting the cat. It looks an awful lot like something out of a mafia movie and it makes Josh bite back a laugh. “We didn't know you were bringing your girl with you.”

Brendon looks at Tyler in a way that decodes the hidden message of what he said. Why did he bring her here in the first place?

“I didn't want to go back to my room,” Jenna shrugs, answering for Tyler. “And he said he had plans with you and that I should come.”

“Last time I checked you invited yourself, babe.” Tyler snaps, smiling sweetly down at her. Josh snorts.

“Interesting,” Brendon nods, glancing down at his bare wrist and pretending to check his watch. “I charge by the hour.”

“What?” Jenna tilts her head and then looks at Tyler who sighs.

“We’re not fighting Brendon, cut the therapist act.”

“Just making sure you don't bring _your_ drama into this safe place I call my home.” Brendon shakes his head sadly and Josh could kiss him. He was his favourite.

Jenna scrunches up her face as Tyler keeps sneaking glances over at Josh who hasn't said a word since they walked in. Josh gave him a small smile before shrugging as if he should know better than to bring her here. Tyler sighs as if he didn't have a choice and Josh nods, understanding.

“We were just binge watching Parks and Rec before you guys interrupted.” Brendon fills the silence and the cat meows, clawing at Brendon’s hand to let him go. “Ow, okay, cat. You're free, my child.”

The cat jumps off the bed and walks over to Tyler and jumps up into his lap. Tyler laughs in delight, automatically petting down its dark furred spine.

“He’s not your child,” Tyler leans down and kisses the top of the cat's head. “He’s mine. Isn’t that right, Donnie? Yeah, daddy’s got you.”

Josh wanted to bash his head in. The first reason being Tyler called himself daddy; that was a big _no_ when they couldn't fuck. Second, Jenna was staring at Tyler way too intensely and Josh wanted to projectile vomit all over her. But the third reason, this reason, it really got Josh going.

“His name isn’t fucking Donnie!” Josh snaps, glaring at Tyler and maybe - _maybe -_ he is a bit pissed at him for leaving him hanging earlier and now bringing the dreaded witch to _his_ room.

“He likes it.” Tyler counters, looking down at the cat. “Right, Donnie?”

The cat purrs and climbs up to Tyler’s shoulder, looking over at Jenna and Josh bites his tongue.

“Oh, hi.” Jenna _giggles_ , like the cat spoke to her and told her she was the best person ever. She lifts her hand to pet him and Josh cringes inwardly because that’s his son she’s touching. “If Tyler is your daddy, I guess that makes me your mommy, huh?”

Josh could keep his mouth shut for a lot of things, this just wasn't one of them.

“Actually, that’s me,” Josh leans forward and smiles. “C’mere baby boy.”

The cat jumps off of Tyler’s shoulder and all but struts over to Josh, who picks him up and kisses his nose. He didn't miss the way Tyler’s head snapped toward him so fast he probably gave himself whiplash either.

“But you’re a guy.” Jenna says dumbfounded. Josh wants to believe she isn’t actually this clueless usually, but it’s hard.

“That’s _sexist!”_ Brendon gasps, getting up and clutching his heart. “Women weren't oppressed for so long for you to come in here and assume gender roles can't be broken! Next thing you know you’ll be telling me Josh can't cook and let me tell you, Josh _can_ cook. He makes the best tacos ever. _The best.”_

“Such a bad role model to keep around my son.” Josh chuckles and watches Brendon flop back down onto the bed fondly. He cuddles up closer to him.

“ _Our_ son.” Tyler’s voice sounds strained and Josh can see the annoyance on his face so he just leans his head onto Brendon’s shoulder.

“Well-” Jenna starts and Brendon cuts her off.

“You can't just waltz in here and introduce my nephew over here,” He points to the cat. “To these stereotypes at such a young age.”

“I’m sorry!” Jenna glares at the both of them and then over at Tyler who had let a laugh slip from his lips. He looks at her a second later and mutters out a ‘sorry’ himself.

“Great,” Josh nods, lifting his head. “Glad we got that out of the way.”

“Well if you're his mom, then what am I?” She questions, wrapping her arm around Tyler’s. She lays her head on his shoulder, mirroring Josh and Brendon’s position.

“The annoying ass aunt nobody actually likes.” Brendon smiles, blowing her a kiss when she scoffs at him and rolls her eyes.

Silence falls between them and Jenna checks her phone, nudging Tyler.

"My parents want to know if you wanna come to church on Sunday.”

“Sure.” Tyler shrugs, eyes locked on Josh.

“Oh!” Brendon raises his hand excitedly, like he wants to ask a question. “Can me and Josh come? We’ll be on our best behaviour, promise.”

“Whatever, just find your own ride,” She looks Brendon over. “And try and dress appropriate.”

“I’m wounded you think I can't clean up for the Lord.”

“What makes you think I want to go to church?” Josh asks, just to be a dick.

“We need to ask forgiveness for our sins, Joshua.” Brendon replies, completely serious.

“What sins, pray tell?” Josh was grinning now.

“Well for one, I sucked your dick earlier. Enough said. Lord knows what else you've done,” Brendon smirks and glances at Tyler. “And he _knows_.”

Tyler gets up quickly, dragging Jenna up with him considering she's latching onto his arm for dear life.

“It’s late,” He looks everywhere but at Josh. “We're going to go.”

“It’s not really,” Brendon laughs. “But okay, church couple. See you around.”

“Bye.” Josh waves and Jenna waves back as she leaves while Tyler just walks out, shutting the door behind him softly, as if to remind Josh that he wasn't petty and childish enough to slam the door.

“Was it ‘cause I said I sucked your dick?” Brendon licks his lips, throwing Josh an impish grin.

This night was a disaster, but Josh couldn't help but grin back. He’d worry about talking this out with Tyler tomorrow.

“Of course it’s because you said you sucked my dick, dumbass.” Josh laughs and he laughs and he can't stop because this entire thing is funny.

“Dick so bomb it makes boys that are taken beg for it.” Brendon drawls, dragging Josh down to wrap an arm around his waist.

Josh didn't love Tyler, but fuck did he sure love Brendon.

 

\---

 

Josh woke up to Brendon kicking him off the bed, literally. He tried to grab something to stop his fall, failing miserable and groaning when he met the floor with a loud thud.

“What the hell?” Josh whines, rubbing his shoulder and getting up.

“You were overheating me.” Brendon mumbles into his pillow, not even the least bit sorry.

“So your solution was to throw me off the bed?” Josh crosses his arms, turning and walking to his side of the room. “Real mature.”

“Shut up.”

Josh rolls his eyes, turning toward his closet and hanging clothes all together. He had slept in the clothes he’d worn yesterday and when he looks in the mirror on Brendon’s desk he purses his lips, slightly disgusted.

His hair was totally faded and if he was being honest with himself, it looked like absolute shit. He’d been meaning to dye it, he had gone out and bought the hair dye and everything, but Brendon was always busy or they were high and forget and it just hasn't happened, point blank.

Josh grabs his phone and decides to try his chances with Tyler.

_do you wanna help me dye my hair?_

He bites his lip and sighs, pressing send and sitting down in the chair closest to him, waiting. If Tyler was mad at him he’d just ignore the text and do his own thing. Josh would understand.

He jumps when his phone buzzes in his hand, Tyler’s name on the screen with a _sure come over :)_ making him sigh in relief. He got up, gathering everything he’d need for this, his dye, the small bowl, the brush, gloves, vaseline and wonders if he was missing anything. He shrugs and walks out of the room and into Tyler’s. It’s unlocked, no surprise there.

“Hey Tyler, thanks.” Josh says as soon as he gets in, beating Tyler in whatever he was going to say.

“No problem.” Tyler smiles at him from his bed. “I’ve never dyed hair before, so I'm sorry in advance.”

“Oh, don't worry. I trust you. Besides,” Josh sits in the chair Tyler points him to, dropping all the things on the desk. “I'll be telling you what to do the whole time.”

“So much for trusting me.” Tyler scoffs playfully, eyeing the stuff Josh brought. He gets up and walks over to him slowly. “What colour are you dying it anyway?”

“Pink.” Josh smirks and Tyler stays quiet as Josh explains what he’s supposed to do, putting the towel around his neck and letting Tyler pull on the gloves. He squirts the dye into the bowl, mixing it up carefully. Josh applied the vaseline along his ears and forehead himself, waiting for Tyler.

Tyler grabs a section of Josh’s hair, carefully applying the dye and looking at Josh for approval. Josh smiles at him encouragingly, enjoying the concentrated look on Tyler’s face, tongue sticking out from his lips slightly and eyes focused on the task. He was beautiful.

“So you and Brendon fucked?” Tyler asks casually, ruining the moment of bliss between them and replacing it with one of anxiety.

“No,” Josh tells him, watching him put the dye in another section and practically feels the tension in the air. “He sucked my dick and I returned the favour.”

There was no point in lying, Josh wasn't going to take into account his fuck buddies feelings, no matter who they were.

“It’s against the rules.” Tyler says, completely calm and collected, though he doesn't look at Josh once, opting to focus on his hair instead.

“The rules say no fucking,” Josh points out. “It’s not like your girlfriend isn't blowing you.”

“What?” Tyler stills his hands and finally looks down at Josh. Josh narrows his eyes and if he didn't want to get dye all over his face, he would’ve crossed his arms.

“Tyler, I'm pretty sure my mouth isn't the only one keeping your dick warm, so what makes you think you'd be the only one for me?” Josh lets his tone border accusatory.

“That’s not-” Tyler tries but Josh stops him.

“Fair? Why not?” Josh demands. “Because she’s your girlfriend and Brendon is just my friend? Well, too bad buddy, this is life and life is anything but fair.”

“I wasn't going to say that.” Tyler was finally back to placing dye in another section, his face completely blank.

“Oh, shut _up,”_ Josh snaps, grabbing Tyler’s wrist and turning him so he’d look him in the eyes. “Boo-fucking-hoo, I got my dick sucked by someone other than you. It’s _your_ fault for leaving me in the first place.”

Josh didn’t realize how hurt and pissed he was until the words left his mouth and it was too late to take them back.

“Do you want me to apologize?” Tyler yanks his wrist free, laying the brush in the bowl and leaning his hand on the desk.

“I don't want your apology because I know you don't mean it.”

“So what do you want from me, Josh?” Tyler picks up the brush again, a glare on his face now as he moves to the other side of Josh’s head.

“Nothing,” Josh says quietly. “I don't want anything from you. Just don't bring it up.”

They stay quiet while Tyler finishes applying the dye and once he’s done, Josh sets up a timer on his phone. Tyler turns on the tv, puts it on some random channel but Josh can’t focus, not when he thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

The minutes seemed to pass like hours to Josh and between sneaking glances at Tyler and wanting to crawl into his lap to kiss him and apologize for being a dick, it just seemed to drag on.

“Stop biting your lip,” Tyler clears his throat and looks over at him. “You’re bleeding.”

“Huh?” Josh reaches up to his lip, shocked to see the crimson on his fingers when he pulls it away. He runs his tongue along where he’d bit and tastes the bitterness. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Tyler laughs focusing back on the tv and ignoring Josh again. Josh feels his cheeks heat up at the fact that Tyler was looking at him by the corner of his eye and he sighs.

Josh’s alarm goes off, finally telling him he can wash out the damn dye, so he and Tyler go over to the bathroom, a clean towel in Josh’s hand as he gets undressed - Tyler turns away, like he hasn't seen Josh naked before - and Josh hops in, rinsing his hair out thoroughly and getting out in record time. He gets his clothes back on and Tyler wrinkles his nose because he was still _wet_ and that must not be _comfortable_.

Josh just shakes his head and walks over to the mirror, wiping the towel in his hair. When he’s done, his curls stand out in vibrant pink and he can't help the small laugh that he lets out. It looks so pretty. He can't believe Tyler helped him with this. He was pretty sure this was the best colour he’d dyed his hair and he’s dyed it so many times, with so many different colours.

“Josh your hair looks so good!” Tyler walks up behind him, a small smile on his face as he runs a hand through it, fluffing it out.

“You think so?” Josh smiles at him through the mirror and looks over his hair again.

Tyler just nods with an expression on his face that Josh can't read before he’s tugging him out of the bathroom and over to his room, going in and getting two jackets for the two of them.

“Where are we going?” Josh pulls on Tyler’s jacket and Tyler grins.

“Just to walk around.” Tyler assures him, grabbing his hand again and leading them out of their dorm.

The sun hits his eyes and Josh wishes he could've grabbed his sunglasses. Though the sun was out, it was fucking freezing and Josh wasn't a fan with how the sun liked to play mind games with him. Josh always associates the sun with warmth and this out here was anything _but_ warmth.

Tyler still hadn't let go of his hand though and that had made the warmth Josh craves so desperately spread through his chest.

Josh smiles, wanting to lace their fingers together but thinks better of it. If he does Tyler will surely let his hand go and he didn't want that.  He looks over at Tyler shyly, looking away quickly when he glances toward him, his smile dropping slightly. Tyler would never be his.

A group of guys walks by them and Josh thinks nothing of it, because well, they were on their college campus. People are everywhere, it’s the norm, but when one of the guys from the group decides to wave to get both his and Tyler’s attention he knows everything was about to go downhill.

“Nice hair, gay boy!” He hollers over at Josh and his smile falls completely as his throat begins to close up.

He looks at the ground and forces out a laugh, going along with the joke. He _was_ gay, he _was_ a boy and he had nice hair. He took a deep breath to control his nerves, but Tyler gets a different idea. He drops Josh’s hand and stalks right up to this guy, fierce and _angry._

“What did you just say?”

“I’m sure you heard me.” The guy tells Tyler when Josh is back in earshot.

" _Tell_ _me_ what the fuck you just yelled over at him.” Tyler’s voice sends a shiver down Josh’s spine.

“What, you gotta fight your boyfriends battles for him, fag?” The guy taunts and Josh holds his breath.

Tyler hates being taunted and Josh knew this more than anyone at this point. When Tyler smiles at this guy, Josh already knows what’s going through his head and when he lifts his hand up, curling it into a fist and decking the guy squarely in the face, Josh can't help but let out a sigh.

The guy stumbles back, grabbing at his nose and Josh could see the blood beginning to flow. Tyler had a good fucking punch didn't he? Josh wouldn’t be surprised if he just broke that guy's nose. The other guys group of friends were just staring wide eyed at Tyler and back to their friend.

“Learn your fucking manners next time, tough guy.” Tyler spits at him, turning around and dragging Josh back in the direction they came from.

Josh lets himself be dragged away, the shock still settling in his veins. Tyler’s fingers laced with his own and Josh just stares down at their hands. What the fuck was happening?

“Holy fuck, Tyler!” Josh breathes, finally. Tyler looks over and smiles brightly at him and Josh looks down at their hands again. “Your fucking hand, dude!”

“I can’t really feel it,” Tyler shrugs and laughs when he sees Josh’s expression. “Totally worth it, though.”

Josh doesn’t know what to say. He runs his free hand through his hair, trying to process the fact that Tyler just punched someone to defend his honour and he didn't even freak out in the slightest when the guy assumed he was gay! He didn't even flinch at the slur.

“You know that guy was just being a dick, right?” Tyler starts, making Josh look at his face to gauge his reaction to all this.

“Yeah.”

They got back to their dorm, walking up to their floor before Tyler grabs Josh’s face between his hands to get him to look at him.

“Honestly Josh, that guy was an asshole.” He tells him, leaning in closer. “Your hair looks amazing and you're beautiful, okay?”

Josh sucks in a breath, feeling the heat creep up his neck and to his cheeks. He didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the hallway so he ducks out of Tyler’s hold and starts walking toward Tyler’s door, waiting for him to open it when they reach it.

“I don't know Ty, it’s pretty obvious I'm gay. Maybe the hair is too much.” Josh says quietly once they're inside, not glancing up because it’s _true_ and he can't bear to see the look on Tyler’s face.

Tyler frowns over at him and opens his mouth to protest, but Josh beats him to the punch, grabbing his hand.

“We need to wrap up your hand.” Josh looks up into Tyler’s eyes, expression unreadable. “Where’s your first aid kit?”

“In my third drawer.” Tyler gives in, shoulders slumping slightly. Josh smiles and walks over, pulling it out and motioning for Tyler to sit down on the bed. Josh walks over to him, laying the kit on the bed and kneeling between his legs and getting a surprised yelp out of Tyler.

“Keep it in your pants baby, I'm just cleaning your hand.” Josh grabs a towel, cleaning out the wound as softly as he can, trying to get rid of the blood before applying anything on it.  Once he’s done, he puts the antiseptic on it and when Tyler flinches, Josh’s eyebrows furrow together. This was his fault. It was his fault Tyler was hurt.

“Fuck Josh, that guy's face was hard.” Tyler whines, biting his lip at the burning sensation on his skin. Josh gives him what he hopes is an apologetic look.

“I’ll bet.” Josh tries to laugh, but he’s sure he just grimaces instead. “I’m almost done.”

Tyler watches Josh as he applies the Neosporin carefully, not wanting the cuts to get infected before reaching into the kit and grabbing the bandages. He sighs, wrapping it around Tyler’s knuckles, trying not to press too hard and hurt him.

“There.” Josh manages to grin up at Tyler when he’s done.

“That was a nice little stroll we took.” Tyler watches Josh’s face light up, starting to laugh and soon enough Tyler is joining him. Their laughs join together, forming a duet that makes Josh feel as light as air and then, to add to Josh’s surprise, Tyler leans forward and presses their lips together softly.

He doesn't go to deepen the kiss, he just lets his lips move gently against Josh’s, pulling away a few seconds later. Josh can't bring himself to open his eyes and face reality when he’s not so sure if he’s awake right now. All of this feels like a dream and Josh didn't want to wake up from it.

“What was that for?” Josh asks, breathless and confused, finally looking up at Tyler, who presses his forehead against Josh’s.

“I meant what I said Josh,” Tyler’s nose bumps against Josh’s, the smile never leaving his lips. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

And what more could Josh do than absolutely melt into Tyler, leaning into him and smiling into another kiss before he lost his chance?

 

\---

 

It takes 24 texts, 6 coffees, 4 threats and 2 promises of not waking him up for _at least_ a week to convince Patrick to come to church with Josh and Brendon.

Naturally, they could have driven themselves without a problem, but the two of them had different plans for what they wanted to do while _at_ the church and really, they were already going to hell as is, they figured they might as well have fun with it now.

Brendon was already beginning to fidget next to Josh, glancing anxiously over at him every now and then but Josh was focused on Tyler in a _suit._ Of course he was wearing a suit too, with his dress shirt all bow tie clad and everything while his pink hair stood out in the crowd, but he was nothing compared to Tyler. He had been self conscious when he walked over to where Tyler stood, going on the side Jenna wasn't over at, avoiding eye contact with her parents while Brendon and Patrick followed. Josh couldn't stand still, either bouncing his knee when he was sitting or ringing his hands together while they stood and when Tyler noticed, he pressed a hand into the small of his back, rubbing gently and calming him down enough to continue the mass without a problem.

That is until now.

He’s staring face to face with a smirking Brendon who’s waiting patiently for him to give the a-ok and Josh nods, nudging Tyler. Brendon leaves first while Tyler looks over at Josh, head tilted in question.

“We should go see what’s wrong with him.” Josh whispers, loud enough for Jenna to hear and roll her eyes. Patrick scoffs next to him, but Josh ignores him continuing the plan he and Brendon had formed before getting here.

“I don't think I-” Tyler starts but Jenna shushes him, giving him a glare and then focusing back to the priest giving the sermon. He gulps, Adam's apple bobbing. “Okay.”

Josh walks out of the hall, Tyler hot on his trail as he walks down the maze that is Tyler’s church until he finds Brendon in an abandoned room sitting at a desk, his fingers playing with his lighter.

“Finally,” Brendon says exasperated, kicking his feet up on the desk. “Thought I was going to smoke this j by myself.”

“You can't smoke in a church, Brendon!” Tyler whisper yells, glancing back into the hallway. The panic was clear in his eyes and Josh leans forward, kissing his cheek to put him at ease.

“Don’t worry, Ty,” Josh moves lower, kissing his neck. “If we get caught, Bren and I will take the blame and say you tried to stop us.”

“Yeah, alright.” Tyler relaxes under Josh’s touch and he looks over at Brendon whose eyes are closed and is blowing smoke out of his mouth.

Josh pulls away from Tyler, walking over to Brendon and grabbing the joint, taking a puff himself. He blows the smoke out and he feels his nerves calm down completely, feels himself becoming more like himself, more comfortable in his own skin and he sits down on a random desk in front of Brendon. He extends his arm toward Tyler and smiles.

Tyler stares at his hand, the smoke from the joint filling the air and it felt a lot like déjà vu to the first time Tyler had ever decided to smoke with them. Josh giggles at the memory and Tyler grabs for the joint, fingers brushing his as he bring it up to his lips and breathes it in. He closes his eyes, breathing the smoke out and he looks so good like this that Josh has to force himself not to get up and kiss him senseless. He hands the joint back to Brendon before sitting down on a desk next to Josh and they went around sharing the joint until they were all buzzed and happy.

“Fuck, I swear to god everything in the world is perfect right now.” Tyler breathes, laying his head in Josh’s lap.

“What even _is_ a perfect world, bro?” Brendon scoffs, pulling out another blunt from his suit pocket.

“You mean like, literally? Like, without rules and limitations?” Tyler exhales when Brendon nods.

“Can I write it on the board?” Josh giggles again, patting Tyler's head so he can get up. He walks up to the board, picking up a piece of chalk and tapping his chin.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Brendon pokes him in the rib and Josh flips him off before writing in big block letters ‘ _LIVING IN THE NOW’_.

“What does that mean?” Tyler asks and Josh twirls around, gladly ready to answer that question because right now he felt like he knew everything in the world.

“We’ve got to live in the now, man, because one day, maybe it'll be tomorrow or in a week from now or, or maybe in a month!” Josh stops, looking at the ceiling to think. “Maybe it'll be in years. Who knows. We’ll die. We’ll all be dead. Gone. And what will we have to live for then? Will we have done everything we wanted to? Will we die full of regret? What's the point in living in the first place if we don't do what we want _when_ we want?”

“See, I used to have a life plan, you know? I used to know what I wanted to do five years from now, ten years from now, I _knew._ And it ruined a lot of opportunities for me. A lot. All because I was living in a way that didn't allow me to reach my full potential. So the day I said _fuck it_ and started living in the present, everything just seemed to be so much better. There’s no worrying about the past because it’s done and over with. There’s no worrying about the future because fuck do I know if I'll make it that far. It’s just living in the moment and nothing else and that, to me, is living in a perfect world.”

“That was beautiful.” Tyler answers after a few seconds of silence and Josh bows, motioning to Brendon who had been drawing on a piece of paper - where did he get it from, Josh doesn't know - and he grins when he drops the pen.

“Well, here's my idea of a perfect world.” Brendon picks up his paper, showing a bunch of rectangles - or were they squares? - stacked on top of each other, with a minus sign next to it. Next to the minus sign there was a stick figure of a dude with long hair and a beard in a dress.

“Beautiful art, my guy, but what is it?” Josh says after trying to decipher the meaning of the drawings. Brendon sighs dramatically before waving the two of them closer.

“This is books,” He points to the rectangles. “And that’s Jesus.”  

“Uh huh.” The two of them reply, waiting for him to continue.

“The books represent education, you know? Of course you do, you guys aren't dumb. Basically, education _minus_ religious intervention in schools and like, anywhere equals a more stable society. Which _could_ possibly lead to a perfect world, maybe.”

“Makes sense.” Josh nods, appreciating how brilliant his best friend is.

“Did you just say that because we’re in a church?” Tyler bursts out laughing before he’s even done his sentence and it makes the other two crack up with him.

“Alright, what about you? What’s your definition of a perfect world?” Brendon urges, lighting the joint he’d dropped on the desk to draw.

He takes a puff and motions for Josh to lean down and he does, pressing his lips to his and letting him breathe the smoke into his lungs. Brendon’s hand brushes his cheek, letting go and looking expectantly at Tyler.

“Easy,” Tyler shrugs, trying to act unbothered by the kiss and grabs the joint to take a breath of it himself. “Friendships make a world perfect.”

“Wow, for a straight boy that was pretty gay.” Brendon replies without missing a beat and Josh chokes on another laugh, climbing on top of the desk to lie on it.

“Where would you be without your friends, dude?” Tyler narrows his eyes and leans forward over the desk to look at Brendon closely. “You’d be alone and depressed and probably _dead._ So yes, friends make the world perfect.”

Brendon shrugs, accepting the explanation, but before Tyler can pull back, Brendon grabs his tie and pulls him forward, smacking his lips against his and ignoring the muffled protest Tyler lets out. Brendon drops his tie and pulls away, a smug smile on his face.

“Josh, your boy just attacked me with his lips.” Brendon accuses, looking over at him for help only Josh was staring at him, eyes wide and disbelieving because he couldn’t believe what he just saw.

“Brendon, the day when I willingly attack you with my lips, I'll also win the lottery.” Tyler replies equally as smug and he grabs the joint with his bandaged hand, taking a hit.

“Ah,” Brendon snaps his fingers at Josh and grins. “ _When_ not _if._ Remember this.”

“ _I_ _f_ Tyler ever decides to attack you with his lips, I’ll jerk my dick to the sight.” Josh promises, licking his lips and smiling lazily at the two of them.

“The only person I'll ever want to attack with my lips is _you._ ” Tyler’s voice drops and he climbs on top of him, legs on either side of him as he leans down and kisses him.

Josh moans almost automatically and brings his hands up to fist them in his shirt. He sucks at Tyler’s bottom lip and he opens his mouth, letting Josh lick his way into his mouth while his hands move from his chest to the back of his neck to pull at his hair. Tyler grinds his hips down accidentally and Josh groans, wanting to beg him for more, the adrenaline running through his veins.

“Guys,” Brendon whines, making them jump apart. “I want to join.”

Tyler rolls his eyes and puts the joint in between Josh’s lips and watches him as he inhales almost on instinct at this point. Tyler reaches over to hand the joint to Brendon and leans back down to kiss Josh, breathing in the smoke and fuck, Josh needs to check off fucking in a church off his bucket list anyway, so this was perfect. Maybe he’ll even check off threesome in a church too with the way this was going.

Josh is so absorbed in kissing Tyler that he doesn’t realize he’s wet. He doesn’t realize the sprinklers at the top of the room were pouring down on them until Brendon all but rips them apart.

“Let’s not panic, but I think that's a fire alarm?” Brendon voices it as a question instead of a statement and Tyler jumps off Josh, pulling at his hair in panic. Josh is up right after and he pulls Tyler into another quick kiss.

“Just because,” He kisses him again. “I've never,” Kiss. “Kissed in the rain.” Kiss.

“Neither have I.” Tyler giggles and then Brendon is tugging the both of them out the doors of the room they were hiding in and into the direction of the emergency exit.

Once they make it outside without getting caught, they stumble over to where Patrick is standing, shaking his head and looking like the disapproving parent they all knew he’d be.

“You guys are going to hell,” is all he says.

“We know.” Brendon and Josh reply while Tyler laughs.

Josh drops Tyler’s hand when he sees Jenna death walking towards them, murder flashing in her eyes. Josh could tell. It was a sixth sense.

“Alright Tyler, your girlfriend is coming over and you need to be an actor.” He tries - and probably fails - to pep talk him. “You are an actor and you're absolutely _not_ high.”

“I am an actor and I'm not high.” Tyler repeats and then turns around just in time to face his girlfriend. “Hey babe.”

She leans away from the kiss Tyler tries to give her and glares at Brendon and Josh. It was probably because Josh was still gripping onto Brendon’s hand.

“I know you two did something,” She all but accuses them, stepping around Tyler to get a better look at them. “You both smell like marijuana.”

“I don't smell anything,” Brendon looks at Josh. “Do you?”

“Nope.” Josh pops the ‘p’ sound for emphasis and smiles sweetly.

“I hate you both.” Jenna huffs, trying to fix a stray hair and gives up. She turns to Tyler and places a hand on her hip. “I'm leaving. Are you coming with me or what?”

“I think I'm going to go back to campus with them, sorry Jen.” Tyler rubs his hands over her arms and gives her a sympathetic squeeze. “Your parents scare me.”

“Whatever.” She kisses Tyler on the cheek and when she walks away, a safe distance between her and them, they all burst into hysterics.

“Let’s get the fuck outta here.” Patrick orders, pointing his finger to where their car is parked. They all salute him, linking arms and skipping over to the car.

Once they get inside, Patrick is the designated driver, while Brendon is in the passenger seat leaving Josh and Tyler to the back seats. By themselves. With nothing to stop their wandering hands and pull apart their lustful mouths.

Needless to say, the two of them obviously take advantage of the fact and make out all the way back to campus just to annoy the two boys in the front seats. 


	10. Those thoughts of past lovers they'll always haunt me (I wish I could believe you'd never wrong me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally updated, I'm sorry this took so long. Good news is kai and I know exactly where this story is going and no one is ready for it. :) :) :)

Tyler woke up with a groan, getting out of bed grudgingly, voicing his protests aloud to an empty room before getting ready and heading to his first class.

That had been hours ago.

Right now he was leaning against a wall, phone in his hand, debating what he should do. He wanted to see Josh, he hadn't seen him in, well, since last week. Once they got back to campus, Brendon ushered the pink haired boy away from him claiming they needed ‘bonding time’ and he hadn't seen either of them since.

It should have been a little unsettling, considering they lived right next to each other, but Tyler trusted the two of them. Sometimes. Alright, Tyler trusted _Josh_ and tried to learn to accept how Brendon was. Is. Whatever. The point is he _tried,_ and that's all that matters.

He doesn't realize he's typing Josh a message until the _you busy?_ text is sent. He groans for what feels like the millionth time and pushes off the wall and starts walking aimlessly around his campus.

His phone vibrates in his hand and he wills himself to slow down his heartbeat, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. It was embarrassing how nervous he got sending the first message after a week of no contact.

_yeah_

Tyler tilts his head and glances up to make sure he won't bump into anyone before starting to write a reply.

~~**Oh** ~~

~~**haha it’s cool** ~~

~~**ah nice! well have fun** ~~

Tyler furrows his eyebrows, erasing each message and glancing up again. He shouldn't be panicking about this. He shouldn't because realistically Josh was in class or something, but here he is either way overthinking this and all his mind concluded was that Josh was tired of him and wanted nothing to do with him anymore. The thought shouldn't hurt and make his heart ache because it was a long shot, but Tyler still frowns down at his stupid phone.

Stupid Josh with his stupid pink hair and his stupid smile that made him want to smile too and his stupid jokes and making him have these stupid feelings and well.

Tyler stopped his train of thought there. In fact he stopped walking altogether, hands dropping by his sides as he realizes what he'd just said. In his head.

He didn't have _feelings_ , he just thought it in the moment. His phone vibrates again and he looks at it before cracking a smile and continuing his walk with a roll of his eyes.

_did u die? I saw u typing_

**yeah**

_sucks_

_actually hey I'm talking to a ghost that's pt sick_

_are u like a force ghost_

**a what**

_dude. star wars._

**riiiiight**

**what are you up to anyway**

Tyler holds himself back from typing out that dumb _I miss you_ his mind keeps repeating and embarrassing himself even more.

_I'm in the lib if u must know_

_I'm a good student sometimes_

Tyler's eyebrows shoot up and he bites his lip to stop himself from laughing out loud.

_I can feel u laughing u jackass_

**im not!!!**

**alright maybe a little**

_it's not funny :(_

_college sucks_

**if u didn't come to college u wouldn't have met me <3**

_ew_

**don't be rude**

_not sorry_

Tyler sits down on a empty bench, his fingers getting stiff and cold from being outside this long. He should just get to the point, ask him to hang out and be done with it. The worst that can happen is he says no again.

**do you wanna do something when you're done?**

There, Tyler leans back. He did it. Now he just has to wait to be rejected again and fuck, if his heart doesn't stop beating so fast he’s sure he’ll die of a heart attack.

_do u wanna fuck me_

Tyler sucks in a breath and blames the redness surely masking his cheeks on the cold. He shifts slightly, fingers trembling as he reads the text over and over. It's not like he's never sexted before, it's just that he's never sexted with _Josh_ before and what do you say to a guy when sexting? Stick your dick in me? Fuck me hard?

Tyler was going to drop dead, probably.

Another text and Tyler physically has to stop himself from letting out a small gasp, glancing around to make sure no one was near him, reading over his shoulder.

_do u wanna suck my cock ty? do u want me to suck ur cock?_

_come on talk to me baby boy_

Tyler crosses his legs, watching as students walked by him chattering away and not having a damn clue about how Tyler was about to have a _panic attack_ because he was suddenly so fucking horny and God help him, Josh was teasing him too.

**want your mouth on me, joshie…**

Tyler sets his phone down upside down on his thigh and hopes Josh takes his time answering because fuck, he needs a few minutes to breathe. He feels his phone vibrate and realizes he isn't that lucky. He wonders what he did to deserve this torture. He tries to ignore it, but his self control is lacking.

_and then what ty? want me to let you fuck my mouth and then fuck me right after?_

Tyler wants to scream. He’s hard and trying to hide it and he wants Josh, he wants him so badly.

**aren't you studying?**

_did you really just ruin the mood joseph_

**but you said you were in the lib…**

_fuck you I'm bored I needed something to wake me up again_

_I'm very alert now tyvm_

**you're unbelievable**

Tyler groans _again_ and this time it's for entirely different reasons. He decides that he hates Josh.

_nudes4nudes? ;)_

**do you want to hang out or not.**

He adds the period for emphasis. That shit makes him look like he's serious and Josh better take him seriously or else he’ll-

_feisty aren't you_

_haven't fucked in a week and you get restless_

_my dick is magic I get it_

Scratch that, Tyler isn't going to fuck him later, no. He’s going to punch him over and over and effectively beat the shit out of him.

**forget it**

_I'll see you later ;)_

Tyler doesn't bother texting Jenna that he’s on his way to see her.

 

* * *

 

There was a time in Tyler’s life where he thought Jenna was an angel sent from heaven to make his life easier. She was always supportive of him and his decisions and she helped him out when he needed it, if you catch his drift.

Now though, all he could think of while she went down on him was how much warmer Josh’s mouth was and how much better and more exhilarating it was when Josh sucked him off.

He felt a bit guilty thinking this stuff when his girlfriend's mouth was wrapped around him and his hand was tangled in her blonde hair, but when he threw his head back, eyes closing with the familiar feeling clenching in his stomach, all he could see was bright brown eyes and pink hair.

He came right away after that mental imagine. He bit his lip to stop himself from moaning out the wrong name and let himself breathe harshly from his nose. Jenna got up, walking over to her garbage and spitting whatever got in her mouth before she pulled off. That was another difference between Jenna and Josh; Josh _always_ swallowed.

Tyler doesn't know why he finds it so hot. Maybe it's because he could feel Josh swallowing or maybe it's because Josh continued sucking him as he came, cheeks hollowed and eyes never leaving his.

He sighs, pulling up his pants and taking out his phone. He feels like he's been staring at it all day and it's all Josh’s fault. He never really cared about talking to anyone before him but now he just wanted to talk to him all day and all night. It was weird for him to say the least.

_hey I can't hang out later but I'm all yours tomorrow if you want_

Tyler's heart drops at the text. He was looking forward to seeing Josh finally and he had got his hopes up for nothing.

“You okay, Tyler?” Jenna asks from next to him, making him jump. He didn't realize how close she was.

“What? Yeah, I'm fine.” Tyler reassures her quickly, hoping that she didn't read the message.

“I’m just asking because you have that disappointed look on your face.” Jenna pulls him over to her bed and sits on it, one leg tucked under her and the other hanging loosely off the edge. Tyler sits next to her, smiling softly.

**whatever**

He forces his smile to widen when he feels her grabbing one of his hands and he absentmindedly rubs circles into her knuckles. He appreciates the fact they can sit in a comfortable silence, because right now he just really didn't want to talk.

_don't be like that tyler_

**like what**

_mad at me :(_

Tyler rolls his eyes and considers throwing his phone against the wall and breaking it. At least that would get him out of this mess. Tyler knows he’s overreacting completely, but can anyone blame him? He _misses_ Josh so much it hurts.

It scares him a little.

“Do you want to go hang out with Debby and Alex?” Jenna’s voice brings him back to the present and though he really, _really_ doesn’t, he nods.

They walk out of the room holding hands, Tyler promising to take one last look at his phone before focusing all his attention on Jenna. He almost chokes at the picture attached, blushing all the way up to his ears and locking his phone quicker than lightning.

 _Don't get hard don't get hard puppies and sports and don't. get. hard._ He chants in his head like a prayer, hoping it'll work.

If he grips onto Jenna’s hand a little tighter than he should, well again, no one can really blame him.

 

* * *

 

Tyler is sure to add a new rule to their list:

 

  1. _No sexting OR sending nudes when I'm with my girlfriend._



 

(He can't help the satisfied smirk that forms on his face when Josh sees it and whines about how Tyler is no fun, no fun _at all._ )

 

* * *

 

Tyler is pretty sure he just failed his psychology pop quiz - emphasis on pop - and isn't the slightest bit surprised when it starts raining on him. It’s a Wednesday afternoon and it was supposed to be a good day because he’s going to see Josh later, but now he’s just in the mood to go sleep for 67 years and forget all about his plans and responsibilities.  

He huffs out a breath and pulls on the hood of his jacket trying to save his hair at least. He shoves his hands in his pockets and prays his notebooks won't get messed up in his bag either.

He sees other students running to find shelter and others - the smart ones, the ones who will survive the zombie apocalypse when it happens - pull out umbrellas, but Tyler is so fucking done with his day he just continues walking at the same speed back to his dorm.

He walks a few steps before he hears someone vaguely calling out his name. He looks around and shrugs, it was probably someone else. Really, he wished his name was more original. There were millions of other Tyler’s in the world and he was just one of them. It bothered him to the core, but he just huffs out another breath and grits his teeth when he hears his name again.

Tyler was literally debating shoving his headphones on when someone slams into him, hugging him around the shoulders from behind and making him shout in surprise.

“Tyler!” A familiar voice laughs in his ear and his heart is sure to soar out of his chest as he turns around in his arms.

“What the hell, you jerk!” Tyler pushes at Josh’s chest as he continues to chuckle softly. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Josh has the decency to look sheepish when he steps away. “I just got excited when I saw you.”

Tyler ignores how that sentence alone was a innuendo and notices how Josh’s hair is wet and sticking to his forehead while his jacket clings to him tightly, showing off the muscles in his arms as he crosses them.

“Josh, you're shivering.”

Josh drops his arms and shrugs, smiling brightly. “I accidentally took the wrong jacket when I left my room this morning.”

Tyler doesn't think twice when he reaches forward and grabs Josh’s hand in his. Josh glances down at their hands and then back at Tyler and Tyler just smiles down at his confused face.

“Come on,” Tyler tugs on Josh’s hand softly before walking backwards.

“Huh?” Josh stutters out and Tyler laughs at the rosiness on his wet cheeks. He could kiss them, it would be so simple...

“Race you back to our dorm,” Tyler grins, lacing their fingers together. “But you can't let go of my hand.”

“Oh, you're on.” Josh says before Tyler starts running.

Tyler squeezes Josh’s hand as he runs and when he looks back, watching Josh throw his other arm out behind him as he tries to dodge another student, a rushed breath that sounds a lot like _sorry_ escaping his lips, Tyler can't help but laugh. He hears Josh giggling behind him and he realizes with a dumbfound fondness that Josh isn't even trying to beat him.

Tyler opens the door to their dorm wide, banging it against the wall loudly. He winces, but when he goes to go in Josh pulls him back. The rain falls down his face, his hood had been blown off as soon as he started running and follows Josh as he leads him behind the building.

“Josh, what-” Tyler starts but gets cut off.

“Do you still love the rain?”

It’s such a simple question, a stupid question really, but it makes Tyler lose his breath. It's such a small detail to remember in their friendship, but Josh remembered because of course he would, how couldn't he? Tyler loved the rain, he adored it and whenever it stopped he always looked out to see the rainbows formed in the distance.

Tyler remembers telling Josh why he loved the rain, how whenever it rains he knows it doesn't last forever and that somewhat along the way, the rain will stop and form something beautiful in its wake. He knows this because Tyler had explained that to him one day to make Josh feel better about a breakdown he’d had one day after school. It had been about how Josh couldn't be real with anyone and he wished so fucking badly that someone would understand him and when Tyler tried to tell him he understood, Josh had just shook his head sadly. Tyler had told him about the rain to make him feel better, but now he realizes that Josh was talking about how he was gay, how no one would get it. Tyler wants to hug him now, because they had only been 15 when Josh felt like that. Like he had no one. 

“Yeah,” Tyler breathes out and Josh, beautiful, happy Josh, moves forward, wrapping his arms around Tyler's neck and pulling him down so that their lips brushed.

“Me too.” He whispers and he waits, eyeing him before Tyler pushes his lips against his, his hands automatically resting themselves on his waist.

Tyler can taste the rain as they kiss and when Josh's tongue licks at his bottom lip before pulling away, Tyler can't help but chuckle softly. He knows, logically, that no one will catch them back here, but the fear and adrenaline of getting caught is still there, making his heart pound so loud he’s sure Josh can hear it.

Josh is shivering, fingers trembling at the back of his neck and Tyler is wet, his hair long enough to fall on his forehead and drip into his eyes, but even with all the inconveniences, it’s perfect. It's perfect to _him._

“Now you've had a real kiss in the rain.” Josh looks up at him almost shyly, testing his boundaries and Tyler's chest warms as he pulls him forward into another kiss.

Tyler doesn't tell Josh that the only reason he loves the rain is because when he came up with that story, he had seen the hope light up in Josh's sad eyes and ever since then he’d never looked at the rain the same way.

 

* * *

 

They made it through their door without pouncing on each other and Tyler considers that a success in his books. After not being with Josh for a week he expected to have fucked him by now, or been fucked by him, at this point he couldn't give a _damn_ about their top days.

Tyler had spotted a movie dvd on Josh’s desk and mentioned in passing how he’d always wanted to watch those movies. The truth was, Tyler had never seen a Captain America movie before. He’d seen the Avengers movies, blindly thinking that the captain guy was cool sometimes, but he’d never taken the time to learn his story. He seemed like too much of an old man for Tyler's liking.

Josh almost flipped shit when he found out this news. He kept rambling about how amazing he was and how righteous and absolutely _savage_ he can be, not to mention a complete dumbass too and when a man is described like that, it’s only a matter of time before he _has_ to watch the movies to see for himself.

Much to his luck, Josh owned all 3 movies - Tyler had no idea it was a trilogy - and they sat down to watch them. Tyler had tilted his head because this was Josh, a die hard Iron Man supporter and Tyler knew all about how they fight in the newest movie. He didn't know the context, but he knew the memes. Always look to the memes for answers.

They’d changed into sweatpants, Tyler lying back on Josh’s bed resting his weight on his elbows, when Josh pulled out a bag of Doritos from his closet.

“I gotta hide these from Brendon half the time, because he eats them all.” Josh explains halfheartedly, pushing the play button on the remote to the TV.

Tyler didn't know what he expected out of the movie, but he definitely didn't think it included a best friend in the mix - seriously, _Bucky?_ Tyler had laughed, thinking the name was a joke - and for that to be the defining _Captain America_ factor.

“Is he seriously going on a suicide mission for Bucky?” Tyler whispers, wincing when he jumps out of the airplane.

“He’s a badass.” Josh chuckles, watching Steve beat his way into the facility, letting out the prisoners.

Tyler feels anxious when Bucky isn't among the prisoners, whispering _he’s not dead, he can't be_ over to Josh, who ignores him and sticks a Dorito in his mouth.  

Tyler feels momentary relief when Steve finds him strapped down to a table, muttering to himself before he recognizes his best friend above him. He lets out a snort when Bucky dazedly replies to Steve’s _I thought you were dead_ with _I thought you were smaller_ because yeah, that would fuck with someone's head. 

Tyler reaches over to the Dorito bag, brushing his fingers along Josh’s and eating a Dorito himself. He feels Josh shift next to him and he has to force himself to stay still and focus on the movie.

He watches as the dude with the red face leaves and the building starts falling apart around them. He knows that obviously the captain survives because there's 2 other movies, but he can't help but worry for his friend.

“There's gotta be a rope or something,” Bucky tries when the beam he’d used to get to the other side falls, looking around frantically.

“Just go, get out of here!” Steve yells back, waving his arm.

“No, not without you!” Bucky shouts, face determined and ready to jump over the fire to save Steve himself if he has to.

Tyler looks over at Josh then, soaking in his face, flashing from the lights of the TV. He looks so calm, happy even to be sitting there with Tyler. He looks back to the screen, smiling softly to himself. That’s exactly how he feels towards Josh, he thinks. He’d never leave him behind again, if he has a say in it.

One thing leads to another and Bucky falls off a train and Tyler doesn’t cry, he pushes the tears back into his eyes. Steve _does_ cry and tries mourning his friend, but ends up crashing a plane into the Arctic. It’s all very dramatic.

“It’s kinda a dick move, what Steve did,” Tyler watches as Josh goes to play the second movie. He turns to Tyler with a raised eyebrow. “To Peggy, I mean.”

Josh hums, so Tyler elaborates further. “He like, promises a dance with her and they were clearly in love, you know? She liked him when he was little and believed in him and all he did was leave her.”

“He was depressed though,” Josh flops down beside him, face in a thoughtful expression. “His best friend just died and he was _all_ he had left.”

“No, he could have had Peggy, but he chose to be selfish.” Tyler argues softly, no real malice in his words.

“Yeah alright, let's watch the next one and then we’ll come back to this.” Josh hits play and Tyler absentmindedly cuddles closer to Josh.

They watch as Steve jumps out of an airplane without a parachute _again_ and Tyler may adoringly whisper his love for Natasha once or twice. He was a sucker for strong female leads.

“Steve has the body of a dorito.” Josh says as they watch Steve confront Director Fury about hiding shit from him. Tyler takes a closer look.

“No he doesn't.” Tyler argues back, shaking his head.

“Yes dude, look at that shoulder to waist ratio,” Josh points theatrically. “Dorito.”

“Are you kidding me?” Tyler scoffs when Josh holds out a Dorito towards the TV as if to emphasize his point. “I don't see it.”

Josh mutters under his breath something that sounds a lot like _idiot_ but Tyler chooses to ignore him. If he kicks Josh’s leg by accident when he reaches for a Dorito, it's not his fault. He’s a mature adult.

Next thing he knows, everything is going to shit. He blinks and suddenly Fury is being attacked and then there's this super massive explosion that this guy in all black just _steps out of the way_ of and holy shit.

“Holy shit.” Tyler blurts out his thought because what the hell just happened. Josh just chuckles and whispers _just wait._

Wait for what? Tyler was tempted to annoy the answer out of Josh when suddenly, Steve is chasing after him from his apartment and no way, no fucking way did Mr. All-Black-Everything just catch Steve's fucking shield with a _metal arm_ Josh, no way. Tyler refuses to believe it.

Tyler relaxes enough that when The Winter Soldier - as Natasha had called him - shows up again, he's not even phased with all the chaos. He watches as he chases after Nat, and how Sam, _the Falcon_ , protected Steve and how Steve fights with the Winter Soldier.

His only complaint is that it's not realistic. How can someone even keep up with Cap isn't he, like, superfied?

Then the mask on the soldier’s face drops and so does Tyler’s jaw.

“Josh.” He whispers, horrified. _Who the hell is Bucky?_ “Oh my god, Josh. _Josh.”_

“Yes, Tyler?” Josh asks sweetly, batting his lashes.

“What the fuck is happening. How.” Tyler stutters, his brain physically hurting.

He watches as Bucky gets slapped, this sad, lost, puppy look on his face as Pierce - that son of a bitch, Tyler knew he looked shady - tells him how his work has been a gift to mankind. Bucky just brokenly tells him that he _knew_ him. The man on the bridge. _Steve._

They just wipe his memories all over again and his screams could haunt him forever.

Tyler could cry, but he won't.

When they fight again, Bucky knows nothing and he attacks Steve, shoots him, borderline beats him to death until Steve manages to get out a sentence that shatters through all of Bucky’s years of torture and conditioning enough to have him jump after him when he falls into the water and pull him out.

“It can't end like that,” Tyler says numbly, watching the credits roll up. “Josh, what happens to them.”

Tyler demands it because it's not a question. He needs to know right now and Josh is smirking down at him to tease him and Tyler knows he won't tell him anything.

“You still think he was in love with Peggy?” Josh asks jokingly and Tyler tilts his head, confused.

“Yes?”

“No way,” Josh chuckles, throwing his head back and exposing his throat to Tyler. “He loved her sure, but he was so in love with Bucky.”

“ _What?”_ Tyler can't help the way his eyebrows raise in surprise. “No, he wasn't!”

“Oh yes, because after being brainwashed and tortured for over 70 years, hearing my name would _definitely_ break all that, you're right.” Josh gives him a look and Tyler scowls.

“They’re best friends, of course he’d remember him.”

“‘ _I’m with you 'till the end of the line’”_ Josh quotes Steve and Bucky, rolling his eyes at Tyler’s reasoning. “Sounds more like wedding vows then anything else. 'Till death do us part.”

“That doesn't mean they were in love,” Tyler shoots back. “They could have meant it in a friendly way, they were all they had left during the Depression.”

“Uh huh, that's why on Bucky’s last day before joining the war, his eyes were more focused on Steve than his dates.” Josh points out and Tyler groans. He’s right.

“Okay, but-”

“They were in love.” Josh grins so wide, cutting Tyler off. If Josh were anyone else, Tyler would have killed him.

“Just play the next movie, Dun.”

Tyler is impressed with himself, he hardly comments during this movie. He stays mostly silent besides a few swears of surprise here and there. It’s alright though, because who wouldn't be awed over black panther? He’s like, actual badassery personified. He wouldn't mind if he clawed him in the face at all. He had to let out a happy cheer at the fact Bucky and Steve were reunited too.

Josh looks over at him when Steve chases after Bucky, grabbing onto the helicopter he'd been using to get away and physically pulling it back.

 _“So_ not romantic. Just a couple of dudebros trying to save each other over and over,” Josh raises his eyebrow and nods curtly. “Platonically, of course.”

“Okay, I get it.” Tyler hisses back and shoves Josh’s chest a little. He sits up, crossing his arms and focuses back on the movie.

All good things must come to an end though and when Tony, Steve and Bucky are fighting each other, Tyler can't help but explode.

“Tony is such a fucking asshole!”

“What? I love Tony.” Josh replies, pursing his lips.

“What the fuck is his problem? Oh, he has daddy issues, big deal! He’s just a shittier version of Batman,” Tyler takes a second to breathe before adding, “And at least Batman could fight people without a stupid metal suit.”

“Tony is better than Batman, don't you dare compare him to a DC character.” Josh spits out, glaring at Tyler. “You've never seen an Iron Man film anyway, so you can't talk, pal.”

“Yeah, because he’s a dick!” Tyler watches as Tony kicks Bucky in the face and can't help it when he huffs in frustration. “What was the _point_ in that? Bucky didn't even touch him! He’s mad over something that isn't anyone’s fault and putting the blame on someone who’s a _victim_ and what the fuck.”

“Uh huh,” Josh leans in closer to him and Tyler tries to keep his cool.

“Besides, why does he always have to make things about him? This is a Captain America movie for god's sake and-” Tyler stops and swallows when Josh kisses his cheek, down his jaw. When he opens his mouth his voice comes out a little weaker. “And I think it’s bullshit.”

Josh hums, kissing the corner of his mouth before glancing up at him, amusement glowing in his eyes. He grins slowly and Tyler knows that this was never a real argument, Josh really didn't care what he said about Tony.

“I love Tony, though.” Josh repeats and before Tyler can start another rant, kisses him to shut him up.

Tyler kisses him back, pushing his lips against Josh’s hard and leans back on Josh’s bed enough for him to climb on top of him. Tyler pushes his tongue between their lips and arches his back into Josh, he’s been waiting for this for what feels like forever and now it was happening, Civil War movie be damned.

His hands rest on Josh’s bare chest before he wraps them around his neck, pulling him down because he wants them to be closer. Their chests are touching now and neither of them wants to break the kiss, so Tyler moves his hands away from Josh’s neck to nudge at his hips. As if reading his mind, Josh starts grinding against him and they both let out moans from waiting so long.

When they break apart, Josh grinds down on Tyler again, making him throw his head to the side and bite his lip. Tyler hadn’t felt this content all week and when Josh’s mouth latches onto his neck, his body jolts in surprise.

“Josh,” Tyler breathes out softly, letting Josh have his fun marking his neck and going over to his collarbone.

“Mm?” Josh bites at his chest and then looks into his eyes. Tyler can’t help the way his dick twitches at how blown Josh’s pupils are and he really, _really_ wants Josh’s mouth to continue its work on him.

“Josh.” Tyler repeats, firmer this time and with a little bit of a whine in his voice.

Tyler can feel Josh smiling against his skin as he kisses his chest and then Tyler feels his mouth wrap around one of his nipples, licking gently and his body jerks. Josh’s other hand starts tweaking at his other nipple as he continues lapping his tongue over the sensitive bud already in his mouth and Tyler moans when he feels his teeth bite down.

“Fuck,” Tyler tangles his hand in Josh’s hair as he switches sides. He should hate how his body reacts to Josh, but he can't bring himself to care. “ _Fuck.”_

“What do you want, baby boy?” Josh finally asks when he’s done, eyeing Tyler up again before leaning down and sucking another bruise on his stomach.

“You.” Tyler sighs when Josh nips at his skin teasingly.

“Funny.” Josh pushes forward, resting his forehead against Tyler’s, eyes flashing down to his lips quickly. Tyler feels his breath catch in his throat and he hopes Josh doesn't notice it. “What do you _need_ then, baby?”

 _Still you,_ Tyler thinks as he stares into brown eyes that are completely dilated and filled with lust for him and fuck, he knows his expression gives him away, knows how Josh can see how much he wants him.

“I-” Tyler starts and then licks his lips, trying to get Josh to kiss him again. “I want you to suck my cock.”

“Get straight to the point, don't ya?” Josh’s grin is so bright, Tyler almost caves and kisses it off his face.

“I told you I wanted your mouth on me, babe.” 

Something flashes in Josh’s eyes, maybe it’s because of the dirty talk, maybe it’s because of the pet name, but next thing Tyler knows Josh is surging forward, capturing his lips with his own again and Tyler can't help but sigh happily into it. He moves his hand up to grab at Josh’s jaw and Josh pulls away, looking at him with so much passion in his eyes, Tyler almost moans.

Josh kisses down his body, getting comfortable between his legs. He smirks and places a kiss to his inner thigh and Tyler can't help but squirm. Tyler wasn't going to beg, he wasn't. He was above begging for sexual favours.

Josh looks up at him then, licking his lips and all of Tyler's previous thoughts went out the window completely.

“Please, Josh. I need you,” Tyler groans, physically restraining himself from arching up.

“I got you, baby.” Josh tells him before licking the precome off the head of Tyler’s cock.

Tyler moans and he’s not really sure when his hand got tangled in Josh’s hair, but he had no problem tugging on the thick hair every once in awhile. In fact, Josh loved when he pulled his hair, or so he’d told him one day when the two had gotten high.

When Josh takes him into his mouth, sliding down his length and bringing his hand up to hold whatever couldn't fit in his mouth, Tyler is sure he’s ascended into heaven and this is his paradise.

Josh hollows his cheeks, licking the underside of Tyler’s cock as his head moved. Tyler’s hand grips at Josh’s head, guiding him down while his other fists the blanket tightly. A high pitched sound escapes his throat when Josh pulls off of him, kissing the tip of his dick and reaching blindly under his bed for the lube.

Josh got his fingers slicked up, eager as Tyler to get on with this and shoving a finger into him.

“Oh,” Tyler breathes, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy the feeling. He feels Josh’s hand cup his cheek and he looks up at him through lidded eyes.

“Keep your eyes on me,” Josh adds a second finger and Tyler bites down on his lip.

He nods at Josh’s command and keeps his eyes on him. It’s not that hard when Josh is literally the most beautiful human being he’s ever laid his eyes on. Especially now, when his body was coated with a sheen of sweat and it was glistening and his tattoos were shining in a way that made him look angelic. Tyler couldn't _not_ look at him and appreciate what he saw.

Tyler moans when Josh adds a third finger into him, stopping worriedly when he jerks up, but Tyler urges him to continue, that he's fine and _please, Josh._

Tyler Joseph, as it turns out, is a slut for Josh Dun.

Can Tyler say he's surprised? Not really, no. Josh is the best lay he's ever been with, of course he’d want more and more. It was only common logic.

Josh removes his fingers and Tyler pouts childishly at the loss of contact, wiggling around and trying to get closer to Josh, who was rolling up a condom on himself. He watches as Josh slicks himself up and can't help the half smile that forms on his face when Josh gets between his legs, throwing one of them over his shoulder to get more comfortable.

“You good?” Josh asks, referring to their position. Tyler just nods, grinning up at him like a dope and Josh kisses his knee.

Josh gives no warning when he pushes himself into him, earning a surprised curse from the boy beneath him. Josh moans when he bottoms out, his neck stretching out for Tyler to see. He leans up, pressing a gentle kiss against his pulse point and the angle hits him right where it needs to.

“Move.” He orders Josh sharply. “Now Josh, _move_.”

Josh snaps his hips and Tyler is lost in the feeling because he’s hitting him right at his prostate and he hasn't felt this good in a week and fuck, he missed Josh so much. He missed _this._

His eyes slip shut, forgetting about Josh’s demand and when Josh yanks at his hair to make him open his eyes he doesn't protest. He wants to please Josh, wants him to be happy with him and he has to keep his eyes on him, he can do it.

He feels himself lifting his hips to meet Josh’s thrusts and soon the two have a almost perfect rhythm going, soft grunts and loud moans escaping both their mouths before they attach them together.

Tyler comes the second he feels Josh slip his tongue into his mouth and if he had been with anyone other than Josh he would have been a little embarrassed at the fact he came untouched.

But when Josh’s orgasm hits him a minute later and he’s staring up adoringly at this beautiful boys face twisting up in pleasure, he couldn't give less of a fuck.

 

* * *

 

Tyler wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry at the irony of his situation.

He was sitting in his psychology class, his hand clenching over his pen and waiting patiently for his professor to move on and focus her attention on another student.

Quite frankly, when he got called upon to share what he’d written, his throat closed up, mouth going dry and brain going into overdrive leaving him unable to do as told. He was usually more active in this class, speaking up and voicing his opinions whenever his prof asked, but today was not one of those days. He heard the snickers from several of his classmates, the assholes, but Tyler presses his lips together not rising to the bait.

His prof - Sandy as she insisted they call her - had been talking about happiness and _what_ exactly happiness was. Was it an object? A place? Just an emotion someone felt occasionally? Something else entirely? She wanted to know what they thought and had them write it down.

The objective for this exercise was simply to show how people could use their means of happiness as a coping mechanism for other things.

Tyler’s answer stares at him and feels more like a punch in the gut that leaves him the opposite of breathless; He’s holding his breath until he hopefully suffocates and passes out.

_A person (Josh)._

 

* * *

 

Tyler was never into cuddling after sex. He thought that all the sweat mixed with other bodily fluids was disgusting and he didn't want to touch anyone until he cleaned himself up. It wasn't that hard of a thing to comprehend, most people understood where he was coming from. That was until Josh appointed the rule and therefore made him have to stay for the impending after sex cuddles.

Of course _someone_ had to play a cruel, sick, twisted joke on him and make him look forward to these cuddles now. He even _craves_ them, believe it or not. He enjoys being wrapped up in Josh’s arms more than he cares to admit.

It was terrifying. But still nice.

Tyler’s head was currently resting on Josh’s broad chest, goosebumps on his skin as Josh’s fingers trail up and down his arm then his spine. He repeats the motion over and over as if it was some sort of calming pattern and Tyler can’t help the shiver that overtakes him. He likes this. He likes these moments of bliss with Josh.

He lifts his head slightly when Josh laughs, watching his eyes crinkle as he speaks to his mom on the phone. It was mostly endearing listening to Josh tell his mom about school and the things that happened to him this week all excitedly, like hearing Brendon sing was something extraordinary.

Tyler feels his mouth lift at the corners as he leans up and presses a gentle kiss against Josh’s neck. It was an innocent action meant to show how cute he thought Josh was, but once his lips attach to Josh’s skin, he can't help but start sucking on it. He presses the hand resting against Josh’s stomach into it a little firmer, his inhale of breath only encouraging him.

“Mom,” Josh whines into the phone, tilting his head to give Tyler more room to work with despite the disapproving tone. “Tyler’s being a dick again.”

Tyler stifles his laugh in the crook of Josh’s neck before he kisses it again in the same spot he just marked, nuzzling himself closer against him and tangling their legs together like he was a panda and Josh was his bamboo tree. He bites down on his lip to stop himself from laughing as he hears the distant voice of Josh’s mother replying back to him. If Tyler’s memory wasn't failing him, Josh’s mom was probably commenting something sarcastic right about now.

“He’s leaving hickeys on me while we talk, tell him to stop.” Josh sighs dramatically and Tyler shoots up, eyes wide. Josh did _not_ just out him to his mom, his ears were broken. There was no way he’d do that.

Only he did.

Josh gives him a confused look before telling his mom he'd call her again soon, quickly reassuring her that everything was totally fine. Tyler’s nerves are all over the place as gets out of the bed, shoving Josh in the process and collecting his clothes before starting to put them on, his heart racing in his chest. He wasn't sure if he was going to die or have a panic attack, but it was real fucking close. Josh Dun was going to kill him.

“Tyler, what's wrong?” Josh’s voice laces with concern and it makes him flinch, shoving his shirt over his head.

“Why would you tell your mom that?” Tyler demands instead, narrowing his eyes at Josh.

“What?” Josh is still confused and Tyler has to force himself not to yell and pull at his hair in frustration. Josh realizes what he said to his mom and snorts non-comically. “You think I wouldn't tell my mom we’re fucking? She's my best friend.”

Tyler scowls, betrayal written all over his face.

“You can't just tell people without telling _me."_

“It’s my mom, Tyler.” Josh tries to reassure him, getting out of his bed and approaching him.

“What if she tells someone, huh?” Tyler’s voice starts to raise and he doesn't care. “I don't give a fuck if it’s your mom, you shouldn't have said shit!”

Josh recoils as if Tyler hit him. “You… Do your parents know about us?”

“Of course not,” Tyler places a hand on Josh’s desk to steady himself. “They’d fucking kill me, you know that.”

“No,” Josh shakes his head quickly. “About us being friends again.”

The way Josh looks at him suggest that he already knows Tyler’s answer, but he tells him anyway, too heated to stop himself.

“No.”

Josh looks away from him, biting his lip in a thoughtful way. Tyler could see the wheels turning in his head and he didn't like where this was heading.

“Your parents hate me _that_ much for being gay they wouldn't accept you being friends with me again.” Josh lets out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. “You’re pathetic, Tyler.”

This wasn't what Tyler thought would happen or what he’d say. He feels the anger building up in his chest and clenches his fists together by his sides. He couldn't lose his cool, it wasn't the time or place.

“I’m pathetic because I don't want to cause problems?” Tyler laughs, placing a hand to his chest. “Dear me, I'm terribly sorry.”

“You’re pathetic because you don't fucking try!” Josh raises his voice, glaring at Tyler.

“What do you mean I don't try?” Tyler tilts his head and fixes him with a glare of his own. “I try my fucking hardest with everything I do, you dick.”

“Tyler, you're fucking gay. You’re _gay.”_ Josh emphasizes, taking a taunting step forward with each word. “And you can't tell your own parents you're friends with a gay kid.”

“Really, Josh?” Tyler laughs again and it tastes bitter on his tongue. “And you say I'm the pathetic one?”

“You are,” Josh tells him, never breaking eye contact. “You waste so much time trying to be what your parents want you to be that you can't even be yourself _._ You're a goddamn _classic._ ”

“Leave my parents out of this. They do everything and more for me, things you wouldn't understand.” Tyler takes a step back, trying to keep distance between them.

“Oh yeah?” Josh’s eyebrows raise as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Judging you for things out of your control? Great parents you've got there, Tyler.”

“Sorry not all parents are as understanding as yours!” Tyler throws his hands in the air in front of him. “Perfect life you've got, huh Josh? You and your perfect family accepting their little gay son.”

“You’re gay too, Tyler.” Josh drops his arms and shrugs, his words not even fazing him, but Tyler saw red. Josh had no right to assume things, let alone wrong things.

“I’m not fucking gay!”

“Tell that to me next time my dick is down your throat,” Josh growls getting up in Tyler’s face. “Or was that someone else a few minutes ago?”

Tyler doesn't know the exact moment when he thought connecting his fist with Josh’s face would be a good idea, but it does get some tension out of his body to watch Josh stagger back, hand flying to his mouth where it’s started to stain red.

“That all you got?” Josh grins through the blood at Tyler when he gets over the initial shock that Tyler had hit him. “You know, all the times you punch people you'd think it would hurt.” He shakes his head, spitting on the floor. “You punch like a fucking pussy, dude.”

Tyler steps forward to slam him into the wall, but Josh is quicker, lifting his fist and punching Tyler right back. Tyler grunts at the pain flaring up on the side of his head and ignores it, tackling Josh to the ground. He climbs on top of him, legs on either side of him as he fists his hand on his chest as the other hits Josh again.

“I’m not gay!” Tyler cries out with each hit, watching Josh’s head move from side to side. Tyler didn't want this, he didn't think it would get like this. His vision starts to blur and his fist hesitates in the air as he blinks quickly to focus.

“Does it make you feel better, Ty?” Josh looks up at him with half lidded eyes, lip split and face bloody and beginning to bruise. “ _Does it?”_

Tyler’s chest heaves as he chokes back a sob, lowering his hand and just staring at what he’d done. It did make him feel better. He nods, getting up and walking towards the door. He needs to leave and forget about this, he couldn't face Josh again after this. Not ever. He speaks again before Tyler leaves and it hits him harder than any punch that landed on Josh’s face.

Tyler realizes when he’s back in his room that that was Josh’s goal.

 

* * *

 

Later, when Tyler finds himself at a party trying to drink the memory of what he’d done away, Josh's voice haunts him, nagging at every nerve in his body.

“ _You can fight me all you want baby boy, it doesn't change the fact you're gay_.”

Tyler refills his cup with more alcohol and chugs it down like it doesn't burn his throat or make his eyes sting. He’s ignoring the part of his brain that’s yelling at him to go home, to go sleep this off because he’s going to do something very,  _very_ stupid.

When he looks to the side, a hiccup escaping his lips and sees a boy with bright red hair he knows that this is the stupid thing his brain warned him about.

He clears his throat and stumbles over to the boy, biting his lip as he taps him on the shoulder.

“Hi,” Tyler giggles and covers his mouth as the guys eyes widen. “Michael?”

“Yes?” The accented voice says back to him and Tyler throws an arm around his shoulders, leaning into his side.

“Hey, man!” Tyler lets his head lull slightly. “I know we got off, on like, the wrong foot, but I think you were right.”

“What?” Michael shouts back and drags him over to where the alcohol was, grabbing a cup and taking a drink. “Go on, mate.”

“Like, I think I'm like, hella gay.” Tyler slurs, reaching for Michael’s cup only to have him put it out of his reach.

“Are you now?” Michael muses, the bass of the music pounding in Tyler’s ears and making him pout childishly. He wanted more alcohol.

“I mean, Josh, like, opened my peepers today,” Tyler giggles obnoxiously, burying his head in Michael’s shoulder. “Peepers. Eyes.”

“You’ve only been with Josh?” Michael asks when Tyler stands up straight again, drinking more of what Tyler wants and he nods, biting his lip. “You’ve only fucked one guy, how can you be sure?”

“I dunno, ‘m just following my _heart,”_ Tyler closes his eyes and smiles when he feels lips against his neck.

“We can always go back to my room and test this theory out.” Michael says as he pulls away, grabbing onto Tyler’s hand.

Tyler doesn’t protest when he tugs him out of the frat house and over to his dorm, not once.


	11. Got our names tattooed on each other (just to prove to each other that we'd do what we said)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad stuff n parties n threesomes n stuff!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fastest update I've ever done and even I'm amazed at myself.  
> -babs

When the day had started, Josh did not for a second think it would end with him bloody and aching because Tyler was a dramatic little bitch. Really.

Josh had cleaned himself up as best as he could before wiping the blood off the floor and muttering to himself about how fucked up this entire thing was. He knew he should have never gotten involved. He shouldn't have let himself become attached again. And yet here he was, dealing with the consequences again.

Hopefully Tyler gets his head out of his ass and realizes what the fuck is going on.

What Josh didn't realize was that Brendon would ask questions and he really didn't want to get into it. So when his roommate bursts through the door, talking about how he needs a nap before his next class, Josh stays quiet and on his side of the room.

“Josh,” Brendon whines, walking over to him and dropping down on his bed. “Cuddle me. I’m needy.”

Josh swallows and turns to face Brendon only to have him stare for a fraction of a second and roll his eyes.

“Should I be surprised?” Brendon asks sarcastically, bringing a hand up to rest on Josh’s waist, pulling him down with ease. “Let me guess, Tyler had a gay epiphany freak out.”

“How did you…” Josh shakes his head, banishing the thoughts. “Doesn’t matter. Almost got it spot on. He didn't tell his parents we’re friends again so then I kept pushing him to admit he’s gay and well.” Josh points to his face. “Didn't go as planned.”

Brendon snorts. “I don't know why you bother with him.”

“Because I lo-” Josh stops, lips pressing together in a thin line. No. No, this can't be happening again. “You know why.”

“I know,” Brendon sighs, getting comfortable when a soft meow is heard from under the bed. “I just wish you wouldn't have fought in front of your son. The psychological damage he just went through…”

“Yeah, he’ll never recover from that.” Josh rolls his eyes and watches Brendon close his. “Did you set an alarm?”

“Yes,” Brendon groans, opening one eye. “Can't miss theatre. Wanna come watch me?”

“Sure, whatever,” Josh shrugs and closes his eyes. “But first, nap.”

“I like the way you think.”

 

\---

 

The thing about being a theatre major is that you're surrounded by two categories: the dramatic dreamers or the stoner assholes. There wasn't any in betweens. You either wanted to make acting into a career or you were there for shits and giggles because your parents had money.

Josh knew Brendon took his acting seriously, he was always singing for fun, he even made Josh listen to him practice accents sometimes, making him critique how good or utterly horrible they are (Brendon tried doing a Scottish accent once; they never talked about that again). When Brendon got a role, he always prepared for it and wanted to give the best performance possible. He had dreams of being on Broadway, was the thing. That being said, just ‘cause Brendon had aspirations didn't mean he didn't get stoned in his free time. Obviously.

It was in times like this that Josh wishes he had popcorn though, because watching Brendon - and the other students, but mostly Brendon - singing and doing their choreography and just overall _acting_ always blew his mind. Today they had been assigned a few scenes from the Hamilton musical to learn and perform, which Josh had heard Brendon singing offhandedly. There was always mistakes, but Josh never noticed them until Brendon explained it to him later and of course the show must go on even with the errors. They just gotta move past it and pretend it didn't affect anything.

When the class was done, he watched as Brendon walked over, dramatically - ha, irony - shaking a boys hand and Josh walked over to meet them. When he reaches them and gets a closer look at the boy, he feels his breath catch. The first thing he notices is the fact this guy’s skin is super tan and he’s got a jawline that could cut him like a fucking knife. His eyes bug out a bit, which is a weird thing to think, but it made them look so innocent by comparison. They were green with a blue hue attached to them and it contrasted so well with his skin, making them pop and when he locks eyes with him and smiles, he just makes a weird _oh my God Brendon help me_ sound.

Brendon nonchalantly says he wants the usual - a gram - before telling him to hold on as he pulls Josh to the side.

“Who’s that?” Josh asks, eyes glued to the boy a few feet away from him.

“His name’s Rami.” Brendon tells him offhandedly. No one else is still in the room and they're pretty well hidden in the dark corner when Brendon pulls out his wallet and it clicks in Josh’s head.

“He’s your _dealer?”_ Josh can't help the amazement in his voice. “Dude, hook me up.”

“As if,” Brendon snorts, walking back over to Rami. “You just use mine anyway.” He shakes his head when Rami looks at him. “My friend Josh here just asked me to hook you up as his dealer, like he buys his own shit.”

“I used to before you came into my life, you know.” Josh mutters embarrassed, perking up when he hears Rami’s laugh.

“And how did that go for you?” Brendon watches Rami reach into his bag and smiles when he hands him the small bag of weed.

“You know what,” Rami says when Brendon goes to give him his money, gesturing for him to keep his money. “This one’s on me.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you can thank your friend here.” Rami points at Josh, looking him over and Josh can feel his anxiety rising. “Free weed for your number?”

Josh chokes and feels his cheeks heat up, Brendon’s laughter making it even harder to answer. He did _not_ see that coming at all and he curses himself because he's usually smoother than this.

“I- I mean yeah, yeah,” Josh rushes out, holding his hand out for Rami’s phone. Rami hands it to him and he puts his number in with shaking fingers. “I'll just text myself so I have your number too.”

“Cool,” Rami smiles softly when he has his phone back. “Pleasure doing business with you. See you, Brendon.”

“See you.” Brendon replies and when Rami is out of the theatre room, he turns towards Josh suspiciously. “What the fuck was that?”

“I don't know.” Josh’s cheeks are still on fire and he wills it to go away.

“He’s sketchy,” Brendon warns, walking out of the room with Josh following behind him. “I wouldn't get involved if I were you.”

“Fuck you, Brendon.” Josh snaps, realizing that this Rami guy just saw him with all the bruises on his face. “He probably doesn't even want to be involved with me, have you seen my face?”

Brendon hums, not convinced.

“Seriously, he probably just saw the opportunity for another person to buy from him and took it. Relax.” Josh’s shoulders sag down slightly, disappointed with his own reasoning.

For the first time since Brendon saw his face, he shot him a worried look. Josh knew how he liked to hide his emotions most of the time, hiding behind a mask, but this is one of the few times he allows himself to show some sort of vulnerability.

Within the next few seconds, the look is gone and is replaced with a cocky smirk that makes Josh tilt his head.

“What’s that look for?” Josh asks slowly, keeping pace with Brendon.

“Would you believe me if I said I'm fucking my prof?” Brendon replies, looking at Josh with his smirk still on his face.

“Hell no.” Josh laughs, shoving Brendon’s shoulder. “I mean, I don't think you're above fucking your profs for A’s, but…”

“Okay, I'm not fucking him _yet.”_ Brendon gives in, sighing.

“So it’s over between you and Ryan?” Josh can't help the surprise in his voice. He really thought they’d work out.

“Ryan and I were never _anything._ We fucked and went on one date.” Brendon groans, rolling his eyes. “You've done it a million times.”

Josh purses his lips at the truth in that statement. He was a bit of a fuckboy himself, courting dudes and fucking them. It was like a classy one night stand, he supposes.

“I hope you didn't make things awkward.”

Brendon scoffs. “If Ryan can't handle this then he was never meant to be apart of our squad in the first place.”

Josh nods, but still feels a bit sympathetic towards Ryan. If he really caught feelings for Brendon then he should have been warned about his commitment issues.

“Anyway back to me fucking my teacher,” Brendon gets back on track, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean we flirt all the time in class, you know? And it’s like heavy, innuendos and everything. That has to mean he wants to bang, right?”

“Probably,” Josh considers, then jokes. “Maybe you should try kissing him or something.”

“Oh great, now that you've said that actually,” Brendon pulls him towards a class, glaring at a student that bumps into him. “Asshole. Anyway, he _may_ have a class here right now.”

“Oh my god.” Josh looks at the mischievous smile forming on Brendon’s face. “Oh my god, are you about to do what I think you are?”

“I don't know, does what you're thinking about involve me running in there, kissing him and running back out?” Brendon grins at Josh’s face. “Because if so, then yes.”

“You're insane,” Josh sighs. “If he fails you after this, you'll know why.”

“I'm a hacker, Josh.” Brendon reminds him, then glares. “Is this your idea of a pep talk? It's not working.”

“Okay, okay,” Josh grins at him, shaking his head. “Get in there and give-”

“Dallon.” Brendon supplies helpfully.

“Give Dallon the best kiss of his life that'll hopefully, in the near future, lead to you two fucking.” Josh nods, pleased with his speech. He almost wants to add an unreligious amen to it.

“Beautiful.” Brendon wipes fake tears from his eyes before saluting Josh and running into the room.

When Brendon runs back out a few seconds later, blushing and giggling like there was no tomorrow Josh can't help but laugh with him. Why was his best friend such an idiotic daredevil? Brendon hooked his arm around Josh’s, beginning to walk away when someone walks out of the classroom and holy fuck, he is _hot._

Josh automatically looks at Brendon, who looks back at him, frozen.

 _Uh oh,_ Brendon mouths and Josh grins because what was about to happen would entertain him for the whole night and hopefully take his mind away from his boy troubles.

“Uh, Brendon?” Dallon asks tentatively, making Brendon turn to face him slowly, cheeks red. “Can I speak with you?”

“Yeah?” Brendon replies quickly, trying not to stutter. Josh is kinda hoping to see him get yelled at.

Bad friend alert? Nah.

“What was that just now?” Dallon looks toward his classroom to make it clear what he means. Apparently he already knew Brendon avoided serious subjects. Josh was loving this more than he should and he really, _really_ wishes he had some popcorn.

“I- Um, I don't- Um-” Brendon stutters in the face of authority. Josh squeezes Brendon’s arm for encouragement because he wasn't _that_ shitty. He sees his face relax slightly.

“Listen, I’m not mad,” Dallon explains and Brendon nods, waiting for the but. “But I refuse to hook up with my students.”

Brendon quickly babbles out an apology and how he wasn't thinking about the consequences when Dallon clears his throat. Brendon snaps his mouth shut.

“I will, however, take them on a date, if they agree.” Dallon finishes and Brendon grips onto Josh’s arm so hard he thinks he’ll rip it off.

“Sure.” Brendon agrees, completely in shock. All the acting in the world and Josh was blessed enough to see his speechless expression. Life was truly amazing.

“Great,” Dallon smiles before he turns towards his class. “We’ll keep in touch.”

Dallon quickly gets back into his classroom and when Josh turns to Brendon, his jaw is on the floor in shock.

“What just happened?” Josh says in awe, because really, he wanted to see an angry teacher, but this was so much better.

“I have a date.” Brendon whispers, staring at the class’ door.

When he turns towards Josh, the two boys can't help dissolving into giggles, like they were two teenage girls gossiping in high school about boys.

 

* * *

 

Days pass since Josh and Tyler had their fallout and unfortunately for Josh, Brendon was getting way too tired of his moping around and acting like the world was ending over this stupid boy.

“I’ve had it with this.” Brendon snaps on Saturday when he was supposed to be doing homework, slamming his hand down on his desk. Josh doesn’t even flinch at the sound, face pressed against his pillow.

“Nghah?” Josh pulls his face away from the pillow. “What?”

“This!” Brendon turns to face him glaring and pointing at his position. “Get yourself together, man!”

“I’m not doing anything.” Josh sighs, he knows he's being a pain. He just can't help it when everything in him is yelling at him to just be sad.

“You haven't taken your meds since your fight with your fuck buddy,” Brendon opens the drawer, taking them out and examining them before whipping the bottle at Josh who yelps in surprise. “I’ve let you be sad about it, but now you're pushing it. When was the last time you drummed?”

Josh just stared at the bottle, torn. He was upset and now he's dragged Brendon down the rabbit hole of despair with him without realizing. He’s such an idiot, of course his mood would affect his friends too.

“Sorry.” He whispers, opening and closing the bottle nervously.

“You're apologizing for nothing,” Brendon groans, pushing his chair back and walking over to sit beside Josh. He places an arm around his shoulders to comfort him. “I know how much he means to you, I do. But you can't just fall apart like this because of one fight, Josh.”

“He hates me, Brendon.” Josh whines, he just wants to bury his face in his pillow again and stay there. He grips the bottle instead, body stiff even with Brendon’s arm on him.

“No, he doesn't.” Brendon sighs and looks up at the ceiling. “Take your meds, please.”

“I don't want to.”

“I know you don't want to,” Brendon pats his shoulder before dropping his hand behind him to lean on his arms. “But you should.”

“Why?” Josh looks at the bottle, disgust painted on his face. “Why should I take them?”

“I don't know, buddy.” Brendon gets up then, heading towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Josh asks, the panic rising in his voice because Brendon can't just leave him here. “I'll take them, Bren, I swear I'll take them. Don’t go.”

Josh’s voice cracks and he can see the pain on Brendon’s face. He wishes he didn't have to put him through this.

“You don't have to take them if you don't want to, Josh.” Brendon assures him quickly, putting on his shoes. “I'll be back, I promise. I'm just going to prove to you that Tyler doesn't hate you, okay?”

“Okay,” Josh watches him and when they lock eyes, Brendon walks back over to him and places a hand on his cheek affectionately.

“Be good,” Brendon jokes, moving his hand to Josh's hair teasingly. “No wild parties while I'm gone.”

“Okay.” Josh repeats, nodding and tries for a smile. Satisfied, Brendon leaves the room.

Josh sighs, placing his head in his hands before realizing he's still holding his bottle. He stares at it and quickly uncaps it, taking the pills and swallowing them. He didn't want to, he really, truly didn't, but he knew it was the right thing to do. When he hit his lows, especially.

Josh looks around the room, taking it in before he's hit with a feeling overwhelming loneliness. He didn't know where it came from, but he didn't want to be alone. Brendon left him and he didn't want to be a burden to any of his other friends so he grabs his phone from where it’s charging and scrolls to find the contact he wants.

When he finds Rami’s name, he sends a quick _hey_ and he doesn't know why he’s even bothering to text a dealer, let alone one that Brendon warned him about, but he just doesn't care about whatever rep he has. He doesn't want to be alone anymore.

Rami replies to Josh’s texts fairly quickly and soon the two are talking about how their days are going, what their favourite colours are, why Rami is into acting, why _Josh_ is so obsessed with drumming and it carries on and on, until Josh lies down and feels a smile on his face for the first time in days.

 

\---

 

The dining hall isn't Tyler’s go to place to be, but lately it's not like he has any other choice. At first it had shocked his friends to see him eating dinner with them again, but it became routine after a day turned into _days._

 _Soon to be weeks_ , Tyler thought miserably.

He’s not going to be the one to apologize this time. He’s standing his ground that the point of the game was for only them to know about it, for God’s sake it was even one of the rules they had set up for this. Just because he’s figured out a few things about himself doesn't change that fact. So no, Tyler wasn't sorry for his meltdown, though he wishes they didn't have to fight at all.

“I don't know why dude, but chemistry is literally the worst subject ever.” Alex announces loudly, chewing his sandwich. The only people missing from their group were Gerard and Frank.

“Chemistry is the one with shapes and shit, right?” Jack retorts and high fives Debby.

“Stop quoting movies, you loser.”

“Hey, fuck you.”

“No, fuck you.”

“Gay, I wouldn't fuck you.”

“Dude, me either, what the fuck.” Alex says, rolling his eyes and Tyler feels his stomach flip at the thought of fucking Josh.

Patrick looks at Tyler and gives him a knowing look (Tyler had cried to him about being gay after he and Michael fucked, it was like something out of movies, Tyler swears) before getting up and leaving without a word to the group. Instantly, Tyler feels bad for how he has to deal with their homophobic comments.

“What’s his problem?” Alex scoffs as the group watches him sit with the stoner squad. He catches their eyes and leans in to kiss Pete before giving them all the finger discreetly and Tyler’s jaw drops while the others gasp in disgust.

“Wow.” Tyler breathes amazed, smiling quickly at Patrick before they both turn around.

“So he was gay this whole time,” Alex snickers and nudges Jenna who's next to him. “Bet he was fucking that Josh kid the entire time. They live right next to each other.”

Tyler clenches his jaw to stop himself from snapping.

“Josh looks like a rat, I don't think anyone would fuck him.” Jenna chuckles dryly. “Plus he's an absolute asshole.”

“I don't know why you dated him, Debby.” Alex shakes his head in wonder as Debby sighs, staying quiet.

“Hey, Alex?” Tyler says calmly.

“Yeah?” Alex looks startled to hear him speak.

“Fuck you.” Tyler spits, getting up from where he’s sitting. “Oh and Jenna? We’re done.”

“ _What?_ ” Jenna gets up with him, reaching for his arm, but he yanks it back.

“No, fuck you both! You're both assholes, not to mention homophobes,” They go to protest, but Tyler continues. “I'd rather be friends with _them_ than fucking sit here another day with you and pretend to give a fuck.”

Jenna looks as though she's about to cry and Tyler can't help but be maliciously pleased as he turns around. Then he remembers to add on, just for the sass of it.

“By the way Debby,” Tyler places a hand on his hip and glares. “If you hate him so much then maybe you shouldn't have told him he’s forgiven, you bitch.”

He takes one last look at their shocked expressions and storms away to the other table, where Brendon was standing by asking the group something. When he sees Tyler approaching them he double takes.

“Hey, Tyler. Wanna go to a party tonight?” Brendon gets straight to the point as Tyler sits next to Patrick.

“I don't know about that, Brendon.” Tyler replies honestly, the adrenaline from what he’d just done making his voice higher than usual.

If Josh was going, was that really a good idea? His gut instinct said probably not, but his heart and mind miss Josh and want to make things right (he’s aware of how cliché that sounds, but Josh makes him _want_ to be cliché).

“Come on,” Brendon pouts, then gets serious. “Josh thinks that you hate him. This entire fight has hit him pretty hard, so please come.”

Tyler hesitates, eyeing Patrick for help.

" _Please,_ we won't even have to stay. I'll steal us a bottle of whatever they have and we can go back to our room and drink it, cross my heart.” Brendon crosses his heart to prove his point. “I even have weed.”

“Fine.” Tyler gives in, dreading it already. He wasn't entirely sure if this would make things better or completely fuck things up even more.

“Yay!” Brendon sings and sits down grandly next to Pete who smacks him. Brendon shoves him and soon they're attacking each other until Patrick pulls them apart.

“What happened with you and the God Groupies?” Patrick cocks an eyebrow and suddenly everyone is interested.

Tyler tells them exactly what happened, feeling like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders as they all smile and congratulate him. He may not be ready to come out, to admit to everyone how he actually feels, but he knows that none of the people here would judge him.

He can't help but wish Josh were here too.

 

\---

 

True to his word, Josh doesn't throw a wild party while Brendon is out. He does, however, go to the nearest music room to drum to his heart's content. He feels his tense muscles relax as soon as he has the drumsticks in his hand and when he finally gets a rhythm going, practically hitting the kit as hard as he can, he can't help but feel happy.

He bangs the cymbal one last time before getting up and grabbing it to stop its ringing around the room. He places the drumsticks back where he found them and hums at the familiar _Wonderwall_ tune a girl with chestnut hair and an Underoath t-shirt was playing on her acoustic guitar.

She grins at him and he does the same, giving a small wave as he exits the room. He whistles as he walks back to his room, his hair covered by a snapback (backwards of course, Josh was all about looking his best when he felt like shit) and this time he didn't forget to take his leather jacket along with him.

Being cooped up in his room underneath his sheets had fogged up his head, Brendon was right. The fresh air cleared it as soon as he stepped outside and he was suddenly grateful to have his best friend looking out for him instead of flat out letting him be miserable at best.

When he gets back into his room, shooting a lingering glance at Tyler’s door (Just knock on it Josh, just apologize, his mind yelled every time, but he just shook it off) he finds Brendon at his desk, typing on his computer quickly.

“Yo, we’re going out tonight.” Brendon tells him, his fingers pausing on the keys as he looks at him over his shoulder. “Welcome back.”

“Thanks,” Josh tosses a small smile his way. “Party?”

“Yeah,” Brendon saves his document before shutting off the laptop.

“Just us?” Josh presses, shrugging off his jacket and kicking off his shoes.

“Nope.” Brendon grins and Josh rolls his eyes, whatever his friend had planned he knew there was no way out of it.

“M’kay,” Josh mumbles, whistling softly and picking up Donnie when he emerges from under the desk.

Josh had given in and started calling the cat Donnie. So had Brendon. It was uncanny how close it felt to admitting defeat, but the name had stuck and now there was no going back. Donnie even reacted to the name now.

It was stupid, how badly he misses Tyler. He wonders if Tyler feels the same right now, regardless of their fight.

On the plus side, some guy he walked by had casually told him the bruises on his face looked pretty badass earlier. It’s the small things.

Josh goes to his closet, picks out his ripped black skinny jeans to wear and a muscle tank, really aiming to get that frat boy aesthetic going. He would blend right in with the crowd if he kept his jacket on. His tattoos were always a conversation starter and he wasn't sure he was up for socializing tonight, his anxiety had already been amplified all week.

“Did you know I’d fall in love with him again?” Josh finally fills the silence and when Brendon doesn’t answer, Josh turns to face him, wiggling himself into his jeans.

“Would you be mad if I said yes?” Brendon says back, watching Josh take off his shirt to put on another one.

“No.” Josh shakes his head, a sad smile on his face. “I would say you should have warned me.”

Brendon bites his lip and thinks before replying. “There's still hope, you know. He broke up with Jenna from the block today.”

“What?” Josh laughs, placing his hat back on his head. “Don't joke, B. I’m still recovering.”

“I’m dead serious.” Brendon promises and Josh’s smile drops, because honestly _what?_

“Brendon,” Josh warns, narrowing his eyes. “If you're lying, you're dead to me.”

“Why would I lie to you?” Brendon looks offended when Josh shrugs. “I’m not lying.”

Josh stays quiet, processing this information. It was pathetic how hurt he was instead of happy to know Tyler was finally single. It’s just that, as much as he hates to admit it, Tyler still didn't want to be with him, even now that he’s a free man.

They stay frozen in place for a few minutes, letting everything sink in. Josh finally decides on the fact he was going to get drunk as all hell to forget the disaster that is his life and get high. He doesn't care anymore.

Once they both officially finish getting ready, adding some finishing touches on their hair (mostly Brendon) they head out the door. They don't bother taking Josh’s car because they both agreed that would end badly if they both get drunk.

“Which frat are we going to?” Josh wonders aloud, putting his hands in his jeans’ pocket.

“Phi Kappa Psi,” Brendon provides, side eyeing him. “Heard they’re pretty wild.”

“I thought we were gonna go to the Kappa Sigma house again.” Josh chuckles, earning him a smile.

“Nah, not this time.” Brendon stops talking when something catches his eye. Josh follows his gaze and halts his pace.

“Tell me this is a coincidence.” Josh swallows the lump in his throat, watching Tyler kick a rock in the distance.

“No, I told him to come tonight,” Brendon shrugs and moves forward. “I told you he doesn't hate you.”

“I'm going back to our room.” Josh says sharply, turning around.

“No you're not,” Brendon grabs his arm and twists him around. “You've been worried about him not wanting to be your _friend_ and now that you finally see him you're pussying out? Where's _my_ friend, huh? He would have marched over there and punched him or kissed him by now.”

“Does he know I'm coming?” Josh starts walking in his direction, Brendon’s speech hitting him hard. He was right, of course.

“Yes.”

“God, we should have gotten high before we left.” Josh groans as they get closer, Tyler looking up at the sound of Brendon’s laugh. Josh smiles when he freezes, like a deer caught in headlights, mouth gaping open.

“Josh.” Tyler looks him up and down and his heart flutters in his chest. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Josh breathes back, the two of them just staring at each other nervously.

“Right, well,” Brendon cuts in, breaking the tension beginning to build. “Let’s go, it's not that much further.”

And it wasn't, they managed to get there in the next 15 minutes, soft conversations of nothing floating between the three boys the whole way.

Josh thinks that maybe, just maybe they'll be okay.

 

\---

 

It’s funny how easily the three of them slip into the party without a problem. They're all dressed in a way that says they belong here, like they know everyone around them with their leather and bomber jackets. All they needed was a damn varsity one to fit right in completely instead of being _John’s friend Michael’s cousin._  Well Brendon said it and Tyler and Josh were his +2.

Somehow, someway those two names meant something to the fraternity brothers around them and they didn't give them a second glance after that.

They stick together, moving to get alcohol and Brendon gives a quick toast to friendship (because he's a little shit) before they chug everything down and go to refill. Everything is going great and swell when Josh starts moving further and further away, until he and Brendon are grabbing for him confused.

“Where are you going?” Tyler slurs and tries to sober himself up.

“Don’t worry, I'll be right back!” He assures both of them, tossing a grin their way before slipping through the crowd.

Brendon curses when he sees where Josh is going and Tyler finally spots them. Josh is with another boy, his skin tanned and he was _laughing_ at something Josh told him. He was shorter than Josh, looking up at him fondly, then Josh bites his lip, saying something with a hopeful look on his face and the boy shakes his head, clearly a refusal of whatever Josh had said. Josh looks distressed by this and places a hand on his cheek, leaning down and catching his lips with his.

Tyler thinks he's going to be sick, that he needs to leave, but they pull away as soon as it starts.

Then they disappear down a hallway and when Tyler looks to Brendon for answers he sees murder on his face, the cup in his hand clenched between his fingers and his jaw locked.

“Who was that?” Tyler finds his voice and shouts it over to him, shrinking in on himself when Brendon faces him.

“No one.”

People bump into them as they wait for Josh to come back, giggling and shouting apologies, couples making out and accidentally knocking them aside. Tyler is debating just leaving before he really does get sick. Before he knows it, Josh is back with a small bag and when Tyler takes a closer look, it has 3 tiny pills in it.

“How did you get that?” Brendon points as Josh waves the bag next to his face happily. “You have no cash.”

“There are other ways to pay people, Bren.” Josh smirks and Brendon clenches his jaw angrily.

“I'm not doing E with you.” Brendon growls, clearly not pleased with the situation. “I told you not to get involved with him.”

“He’s nice!” Josh rolls his eyes then looks at Tyler. “Come on guys, let’s just let loose for _one_ night.”

Brendon and Tyler make eye contact and god, if this isn't peer pressure he doesn't know what is. Tyler knows that Josh has ecstasy, he's not stupid. Even tipsy he knows that this is a terrible, terrible idea.

“Please.” Josh begs and Tyler caves, reaching for the bag and taking a pill. Josh’s smile could blind him, his face beaming and he just wants to kiss him again and again and apologize for ever hurting him.

Josh places the tab on his tongue, his eyes glued to Tyler as he swallows it dry and Tyler, being a fucking reckless son of a bitch when drunk, does the same. He waits for it to hit and tilts his head when it doesn't.

“It’s not working.”

“ _Yet.”_

“Give me the damn pill,” Brendon snaps, holding his hand out to Josh, who's smirk just widens. “I need to destress because you stress me the fuck out. I'm going to die before I hit old age, Josh. I'm too hot to die young, there's a lot of sex to have and here you are making me do drugs. Unbelievable.”

“I got you, B. You can always have sex with me and Tyler.” Josh gives him the round tab, watching Brendon swallow it expertly (It’s not his first time doing E, he and Josh have both gone to raves) and then all of them just stare at each other, ignoring the last part of Josh’s statement.

Brendon moves around, watching as students chug beer, snort coke off counters and dry hump against walls and nods, as if accepting the position he's in. Tyler feels himself nodding too, zoning out and glancing at what he thinks is Josh. It’s too bright for him to tell, but he can't help but smile because he's with him again.

He can't believe he’s been given _another_ chance here. Josh is speaking to him and Tyler doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve _him_ , but God, he loves him so much.

He loves Josh so fucking much.

He doesn't realize he’s leaning forward and kissing someone until their lips are pressing together softly. Tyler knows he’s not kissing Josh because his lips are much rougher, though when he feels a tongue running along his lower lip, the moan that forms in his throat surprises even him.

He pulls away and blinks, giggling when he sees Brendon’s confused face, then looks to the side at Josh. He doesn't look angry or upset with him, he looks like he loved every second of that kiss.

“Josh, I didn't mean to-” Tyler begins, having to clear the air anyway, but he’s cut off by Josh leaning forward and kissing him, catching his lower lip between his teeth as he pulls away.

“It’s okay.” And then Josh is leaning away, kissing Brendon fiercely and Tyler can't help but stare, everything else in the room disappearing. The only thing he can focus on is the two boys in front of him and when Josh’s hand reaches for Tyler’s cheek he can't help but close his eyes and lean into the touch.

Josh’s hand guides him forward, letting him kiss Brendon again when he pulls away from him and it's _nice_. Tyler feels himself grabbing onto Brendon’s bomber jacket to pull him closer, but they’re breaking apart before it can deepen. Tyler has enough time to gasp before Josh’s mouth is back on his, licking into his mouth.

“So fucking hot.” Josh mumbles against his lips and Tyler lets out a pathetic whimper, closing the distance again.

They're pulling apart and breathing heavily when Brendon suggests they go back to their room. Tyler zeroes in on him and babbles something nonsensical before erupting into giggles and holding onto Josh to steady himself. He’s never felt so light in his entire life and everything was so bright and he was happy, so so happy.

They stumble their way outside, getting lost on their way back and pushing one another up against walls and trees to get lost in each other again, but they eventually make it back to Josh and Brendon’s room. Somehow. Tyler’s entire world is spinning and he’s pretty sure he’s hallucinating, but he's so fucking happy right now, it feels _right._ He hasn't felt like this since he last spent time with Josh.

He takes in the room, boyishly messy with clothes on the floor and school books scattered everywhere, but it feels so much like home. He’s never really understood the concept of a home, not really, because he has a home with his family and then he supposes his room here was a home, but none of those made him feel how Josh did. They didn't make him feel safe and loved and wanted. He finally understands how Josh felt all those years ago when he thought he had no one, but Tyler has Josh. Perfect Josh who accepts him no matter what.

He turns to him and places his hand around his neck, licking his lips while Josh stares at him expectantly.

“Josh, you're my home.” Tyler smiles as he says it, he's never spoken anything more true.

“Your home?” Josh's responding smile is so bright, Tyler leans forward and kisses the corner of his mouth.

“Yes!” Tyler giggles, placing his other hand on Josh’s chest. “You make me feel things, you know?”

Josh ponders it, smile still on his face. “What kinda things?”

Tyler jumps when he hears Brendon bang something on his desk, but otherwise stays focused on his boy.

“Like,” He starts, his heart beating faster in his chest and his breath stopping for a second. “Like… Fuck Josh, I'm so high, I think I love you.”

Josh’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open in utter surprise. Tyler continues smiling softly and Josh kisses him, teeth knocking together in excitement and Tyler feels so full of love he may explode. He has so much love to give to him and Josh is smiling into the kiss happily then next thing they know, they’re both laughing, never wanting this kiss to end.

The sound of a camera click breaks them apart and when they turn to Brendon, his phone is in his hand and he’s smiling down at the picture.

“You guys look like you just got engaged.”

Josh giggles, burying his face into Tyler's shoulder before noticing the thing Brendon’s holding in his other hand.

“Where’d you get that?” Josh asks curiously and Brendon lifts it, motioning to the ink on the desk too.

“Remember that girl I was friend with bennies with a few months ago?” Josh’s eyes light up and he nods excitedly when he remembers. “I stole it from her.”

“Oh my god, that's a tattoo gun.” Tyler grins. He loved tattoos, everything about creating something only one person can understand makes the concept so incredible to him. It’s why he has the ones he does.

“Thanks, captain obvious.”

“No problem, captain shithead.” Tyler replies without missing a beat.

“Josh!” Brendon gasps, placing a hand on his forehead and looking wounded. “Defend your sometimes fake boyfriend, you ass!”

Josh opens his mouth then closes it, lifting his hand up to his chin. He opens his mouth again and shakes his head, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I mean, you are a shithead.” Josh says sincerely, as though it's a good thing.

All three of them burst into laughter and when they gather themselves together, Tyler nudges Josh’s shoulder.

“We should get another matching tat.”

“What do you have in mind?” Josh's voice is so soft and Tyler blinks to focus his mind.

“Our names,” Tyler nods, smile forming at the corner of his mouth. “Eternal friendship and like, love and shit.”

“Let’s do it.” Josh claps his hands without a second thought and Tyler loves him.

“Did you two just like symbolically get married?” Brendon says, eyes darting between the two. “Because I was kidding. Not really. You guys are cute, but like, Josh can I be your best man?”

“We gotta tattoo the names first, but yes.” Josh assures him and Brendon squeals, grabbing both their hands and tugging them forward.

“Where are you gonna tattoo them?” Brendon hums dropping their hands and tipping slightly to the left before catching himself.

“Knee?” Tyler suggests and Josh nods, cheeks tainting a rose colour. Tyler kisses his cheek twice before he starts to unbuckle the belt on his jeans. He drops his pants, kicking them off and sits in the chair at the desk.

“Tyler!” Josh stammers, covering his eyes like he hasn't seen him naked before, nevermind his boxers. Brendon rummages through his desk and pulls out a sharpie, tapping Josh on the shoulder until he looks over at him.

“Oh right,” He takes the sharpie. “Tattoos.”

He gets down on his knees in front of him and and Tyler has to stop the whine from escaping his throat. Josh looks up at him, eyes distant, but so full of something Tyler can't quite figure out. He’s sure he looks at Josh the same way, sharing the same intense look.

“This is so exciting,” Josh whispers as he writes out his name on Tyler’s knee, smiling to himself.

He grabs the tattoo gun Brendon had placed on the desk, dipping the needle into the ink before glancing up at Tyler for reassurance. He nods and Josh turns it on.

The tattoo itself didn't hurt much compared to Tyler’s other tattoos. It passed by real quickly too, which Tyler was grateful for. He looks down at it and sighs at the simplicity of it; Josh’s name forever on his skin.

They switch positions and soon enough, Tyler’s name is permanently etched into Josh’s skin and nothing makes sense, but Tyler knows that what he and Josh have is real and good.

He pulls Josh down for a kiss, lips moving together slowly. Tyler tilts his head, swiping his tongue along Josh’s lower lip and he opens his mouth for him, the light stubble peppering his face driving Tyler crazy. Their tongues meet and dance together, tasting each other and when Josh moans, Tyler can't help but swallow it up. He pulls away, getting to his feet and dragging Josh over to his bed, pushing him down and getting on top of him. Josh looks up at him, pupils blown and hair in disarray. He leans back in, only to be stopped.

“No, no, wait,” Josh squeezes Tyler’s hips to get him to pull away. Then he glances next to them and Tyler finally notices Brendon sitting on his bed, face flushed.

“He can join us,” Tyler moves to kiss Josh again, but Josh moves his head to the side, making Tyler’s lips smack his cheek.

“Brendon, do you want to?” Josh purrs to the boy across them and Tyler grinds his hips into Josh’s, eating up the way Brendon was watching them.

“Yeah.” Brendon breathes, palming himself through his jeans and biting his lip.

“Come here.” Josh lets go of Tyler’s hip to wave him over, coaxing him like a frightened animal. It doesn't take as much convincing as Josh must have thought, because Brendon is up and kicking his jeans off as soon as he gets the green light.

Brendon places a knee on the bed and looks at Tyler, smirk forming on his lips.

“Do you know how threesomes work?”

“I’ve never had one, no.” Tyler rocks his hips against Josh’s again and his groan makes him smile, despite the fact Brendon was about to make fun of him again.

Tyler’s hips falter their movements when Brendon leans forward and starts sucking on his neck, nipping at it teasingly before kissing his way up to his ear.

“Watch and learn, baby.” Brendon whispers, lips brushing against the shell of his ear and making him shiver.

When he moves away, Tyler whines missing the contact already. He feels so touch starved and he's hard, rocking against Josh and Brendon wants him to get off of him, he knows that, but it feels so good.

“Take your shirts off.” Josh orders and Tyler feels his insides ignite, he wants to please Josh and make him proud.

He gets up off of him, letting him sit up as he throws off his tank, Brendon doing the same and Josh following suit. Tyler couldn't help giggling as he took off his boxers too, this entire thing feeling so surreal, like some kind of illusion. It’s as though if he reaches forward to touch Josh, his fingers would go right through him.

He reaches for him, just in case. His fingers making contact with his shoulder, not an illusion and when he finally focuses again, everyone is naked and he is so aroused by it, a whine rises in his throat.

Why was he so needy when he was high? He didn't understand why everything was so bright in Josh’s room and fuck if he cares, but he just wanted to keep moving and never stop.

Josh grabs Brendon’s hand and pulls him down onto the bed and Tyler is amazed to see Brendon has a bottle of lube in his hand. Josh gets between his legs, kissing up his chest and stopping to suck at his neck. His hand absentmindedly opens the lube and squirts some onto his fingers as Brendon’s moan hits Tyler’s ears and his breathing quickens.

He watches Brendon jerk and huff as Josh slips his hand in between his legs and kisses him to quiet him down and Tyler shifts in the corner he’s in. He would have never guessed Brendon was a bottom with the smart mouth on him.

“You always are a slut for me, B.” Josh grins as he kisses Brendon’s jaw.

“Yeah, yeah,” Brendon rotates his hips impatiently. “Fuck me good, daddy. You know I love it when you give it to me hard.”

“ _Brendon_ ,” Josh drops his head on his shoulder, biting into it. Brendon hisses, eyes closed and waiting for Josh to fuck him and Tyler can't help it when he reaches for his hard on.

“Come on, Josh,” Brendon whines. “I’m ready, _Joshie_.”

“Don't call me Joshie.” Josh growls, removing his hand from where it was between Brendon’s legs and glancing toward Tyler. “Mm, don’t worry baby boy, we’ll get to you.”

Tyler’s hips jerk as soon as he hears the familiar pet name and then Josh is rolling on a condom, slicking himself up with more lube and he has no idea where the condoms came from but he doesn't care because Josh is slipping into Brendon.

Brendon hooks his legs around Josh’s waist and when Josh starts thrusting, his moans mixing with Brendon’s, Tyler’s hand begins moving on his cock, using his precome as lube. It’s a bit dry, but he’s too focused on the other two to notice.

Brendon’s lifting his hips and meeting Josh’s thrusts like they've learned this rhythm by heart, like they know each other better than anybody else and Tyler is enthralled. He wonders if he and Josh know each other that well and fuck, Josh’s back muscles look so good right now, Tyler just wants to touch him.

He knows when Josh’s movements stutter and his moan is drawn out that he hit his peak, falling slightly on top of Brendon while he chides him to get the fuck off of him as though it was routine.

Josh does, pulling out and taking off the condom, tying it up and tossing it into the trash before focusing on him. Tyler’s eyes dart between Josh's and Brendon’s and when they both look at each other and grin, he can't help but whimper.

“We’re going to take care of you, baby boy.” Josh assures, grabbing his face in his hands and kissing him, tongue pushing against his own. He feels Brendon’s hand tugging at his hair and he moans, pulling away from Josh to lean into Brendon.

“Your boy likes me,” Brendon tells Josh, fingers pulling at Tyler’s hair.

Josh just nods, pushing Tyler’s hand away from his dick and replacing it with his own. Tyler moves closer to the edge of the bed, silently begging Josh for his mouth. He needs his mouth like he needs fucking air.

“We’re gonna show Tyler a good time, aren't we, Bren?” Josh slides down to his knees and Tyler is convinced he’s a saint.

“I think by the looks of it he really wants you to suck him off.” Brendon hums, fingers leaving his hair and getting off the bed to get on his knees next to Josh. Tyler bites his lip, he doesn't know what to do when there’s two hot boys staring up at him and waiting for him to tell them what to do.

“I think he wants both of us to blow him.” Josh’s voice sounds delighted and his grin matches it.

“You want that, Tyler?” Brendon’s eyes bore into his and for someone who hasn't gotten off yet, Brendon is being really patient.

They’re both saints. Of sex. Or something.

Tyler is convinced.

Then Josh is kissing his name tattooed on his skin, a reminder of who he belongs to and Tyler knows that he’s Josh’s, he always will be in some way whether he likes it or not. Josh was engraved in his cells and there was no getting rid of him even if he wanted to.

“I- Yes, fuck _please,”_ Tyler chokes out and Josh laughs against his knee, the feeling making him shake. He needs someone's mouth on him. “Please.”

It’s Josh who takes pity on him and finally gets his mouth wrapped around him. Brendon had looked at Josh for approval and Josh had shook his head, wanting to be the first to taste him and it shouldn't be so hot to Tyler how possessive Josh could be, but it just _was._

His hand finds its way into Josh’s pink curls, tightening around them and his hips thrust upward when he feels Josh’s tongue running along his dick. His mouth falls open in a silent cry and then Josh’s mouth is off of him.

“Josh, what…?” Tyler whispers when Brendon leans forward, licking the head of his cock, before going down on him.

Tyler moans, the surprise of it making him grip the sheets in his hands. He’s never had two people sucking his dick at the same time before, Tyler has never been that adventurous, but when he feels himself hitting the back of Brendon's throat, he gasps in shock.

“Fuck, Brendon, keep doing that,” Tyler begs, his head falling bonelessly to the side. Tyler was going to continue his praise, but Brendon gets off of him, all the warmth leaving his dick and _why_ were they torturing him?

Brendon and Josh share a look again, as if exchanging a secret before looking up at Tyler. He didn't know what to expect, maybe for Josh to take his turn and have his time, maybe for Brendon to catch his breath, but _not_ for the two of them to lean forward and lick along either side of his dick in long strokes.

Tyler is sure he’s never experienced anything more erotic in his entire life.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.” Tyler repeats when they continue licking up and down his dick, then taking turns sliding their tongues on him, his heart racing in his chest and surely about to give out any second. “Fuck, I’m going to die.”

Brendon chuckles against him, tongue moving to lick his lips and Josh’s tongue flickers along the head of Tyler’s cock teasingly, licking the precome, then sliding down. Tyler's knuckles are white from gripping the sheets and he’s close and when the two boys in front of him stare each other down before interlocking their tongues on his dick, Tyler comes without warning.

“I would have swallowed that if you waited,” Josh pouts, looking at the mess on the floor.

“He would have exploded if he waited.” Brendon points out, kissing Josh’s cheek before looking up at Tyler’s post orgasm face. “I see why you like him now, he _is_ pretty.”

“I know,” Josh says dreamily, getting up and straddling Tyler, making him open his eyes. “Such a pretty boy. _My_ pretty boy.”

Tyler nods, leaning up and catching his lips through all the sensations he was feeling. Everything felt amplified and he couldn't get enough of it. Josh’s kisses, Brendon’s touches, the way they were looking at him, he wanted it to never stop.

“I wanna watch Brendon fuck you.” Josh gives him one last kiss before sitting back on his thighs, hand resting on his knee. “Is that okay, baby boy? Do you want that?”  

He would feel disappointed if he weren't so eager to please Josh. He wants to do whatever Josh wants, whatever makes him happy and if that means letting him watch as he got fucked then he didn't care. He never wants to see Josh sad and the way he’s looking at him right now, with the hand resting where his name is freshly tattooed, he can’t find it in him to ever deny him anything.

He nods and feels even lighter than he did a few seconds ago because now Josh is smiling and Tyler’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life. He could write songs about Josh, he thinks. Love songs that he could never write about Jenna. He believes in love, and being _in_ love though he’s never been a believer of love at first sight, not for himself anyway. Then he sees Josh, _really_ sees him and he has so much love to give him, he wants to tell him, remind him and show him what he means all the time, it overwhelms him. 

When Josh gets off of him and tells him to get on his hands and knees, he feels a weird sense of déjà vu. He does as he’s told, tossing Josh a teasing smile.

“Just like old times, eh?”

Josh freezes, eyes widening before locking onto Tyler’s. He sees the way his eyes are dancing around the joke and he lets out an amused chuckle, grabbing Tyler's face in his hands.

“You’re an idiot, Tyler.”

“But I'm _your_ idiot.” Tyler replies and he’s hit with another wave of nostalgia.

He had the same conversation with Jenna on his first day on campus, but before he can feel any form of remorse to what he had a few months ago, Josh’s lips meet his and he can't stop his smile.

His life has changed so much, so damn much since he got here. Never did he think he’d find himself, who he truly is in this way, but it’s _Josh_ and he should have known sooner and he should have been there for him when he came out all those years ago.

He may have lost his girlfriend, but that pain was nothing - _nothing -_ compared to losing Josh. This is worth it. What he feels for Josh is worth it, worth all of the trouble, worth all of the rejection from his friends, his _family_. He doesn't care, not if he has Josh by his side.

He moans into Josh’s mouth when he feels Brendon adding a finger into him, getting him ready. He didn't notice him kneeling behind him, fingers slicked up and ready to go.

Josh grips his jaw in one hand, letting his other slip down his chest to trace his tattoos, his fingertips making a shiver roll up his spine. The effect this boy had on him made Tyler’s head spin.

If this is what love feels like, what everyone always speaks so highly of, then Tyler is happy and _relieved_ he finally found it in a person.

Brendon adds a second finger into him and he lurches forward, knocking his teeth against Josh’s and he pulls away, kissing down his jaw to his neck.

“Do you like the feeling of Brendon’s fingers, babe?” Josh starts sucking on his neck making it hard to think.

“Yes.” He hisses and hears Brendon laugh behind him.

“Wait ‘till I fuck you.”

“Please,” Tyler gasps when one of Brendon’s fingers brushes his prostate and starts rolling his hips into his fingers to feel that again.

“Eager to be fucked, aren't you?” Brendon removes his fingers, reaching for a condom, ripping it and sliding it on. “Not very straight of you.”

“That’s because I'm _not.”_ Tyler is shaking and he's hard again. He feels himself losing focus and he's not sure if he's hallucinating all this again or if it's real.

Josh pulls away from him and Tyler protests, wanting more marks on him, wanting to be branded as Josh's boy. When he looks up to meet his eyes, to beg him to continue, he stops short. The look of adoration on Josh’s face makes everything real, he knows he's here, that he loves him back.

He feels Brendon slipping into him, feels his hands on his back, grounding him in the moment and he drops down onto his elbows with the sensation.

“Oh god,” Tyler breathes, everything hitting him at once. Brendon feels so different in him than either Josh and Michael and he likes it. He’s never felt better, though he still wishes it were Josh.

“You good?” Brendon grunts behind him, making Tyler laugh.

“Move, you fuck. Are you always this slow during sex?” Tyler taunts, pushing his hips back and Brendon snaps his hips forward almost as soon as the words roll off his tongue.

“I'll show you slow,” He promises and then he’s moving and holy fuck, Tyler can't breathe and everything feels so good. He moans, trying to match Brendon’s thrusts, to follow the pattern he saw him and Josh doing, but he feels himself slipping.

Josh catches him by the shoulders, lifting him and kissing him all over his face, his hands burning his skin and his lips fire.

“You’re doing so good,” Josh praises, eyes shining bright. “You look so beautiful, baby boy, God, I wish you could see yourself.”

“Your boy is so tight, it's amazing.” Brendon groans, pulling at Tyler’s hair the way he has been all night.

“You fill me up so good,” Tyler’s mouth babbles, slurring his words slightly. He hears Josh curse and that's when he realizes that he’s jerking himself off while he watches. He manages to reach for his own cock without losing balance.

Brendon’s thrusts start getting sloppier and slower, hitting Tyler just right and he’s not sure if he sees stars because everything feels so good, if he's been seeing them all night or if it’s because of Brendon’s bruising grip on his hips, but he’s satisfied with either answer at this point.

He feels one last thrust before Brendon is leaning forward and biting into his shoulder, silencing his moans and _fuck,_ that’s new. Josh has never done that and Tyler likes it, the pain.

“Tyler,” Josh whispers, awed and loving and Tyler could drown in it, in the feeling. “Oh fuck, Tyler, _I love you_.”

And that’s all it takes to make Tyler come undone again, closing his eyes and biting his lip hard enough to make him bleed. He hears Josh’s drawn out moan and cracks an eye open to see Josh’s blissed out face.

Minutes pass and the three boys sit there trying to catch their breaths (Brendon had pulled out of Tyler and laid against the bed frame while the other two opted for the wall) while just staring ahead, their bodies yelling at them to continue moving.

“So,” Brendon’s voice drawls out. “Round two?”


	12. Devils on your shoulder, strangers in your head (as if you don't remember, as if you can't forget)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, another fast update, I am on a roll!! 
> 
> This chapter has a triggering scene, so without giving too much away someone gets into a fight with someone else and a homophobic slur is said. I'll have the scene in asterisks (*) so if you want to skip it, you can. I'll have a summary of the scene at the end of the chapter. 
> 
> Also, keep leaving comments!! Honestly, kai and I seriously love seeing and reading them, they make our day so thanks for that. 
> 
> Okay that's it, hope you all enjoy!

Josh wakes up disoriented and for a second he has no fucking clue where he is and how he got there. He stares up at the ceiling confused, but he knows he’s in his bed, he’s stared up at the same ceiling one too many times to not recognize it. He’s just beginning to come back to reality when he feels someone’s breath on his neck and the press of a warm body curling into him, trying to get comfortable. He momentarily panics because he did not have a one night stand out of pity for how shitty his love life is. He’d straight up punch himself if he did that.

He looks over and is relieved when he doesn’t see a stranger and sees Tyler’s sleeping face instead, mouth parted as a soft snore makes its way out of his throat and the night before comes back to him in such a rush it gives him a headache.

“Oh, fuck.” Josh whispers to himself, looking over to the other side of the room where Brendon was lumped up in his bed. He uses the arm that’s not being used as a pillow by Tyler to move the sheets up and when he sees the name above his knee, he drops it down again. “ _Fuck.”_

Josh never thought he’d get the chance to have a threesome with both his boys and here he was after the fact freaking the fuck out on the inside instead of celebrating.

What was his life, honestly?

When he saw Rami at the party, he didn't know what he was thinking when he went up to him. He wanted to get high, sure, but when he asked for ecstasy he honestly didn't mean to. He didn't have money either and when Rami brought him to his room to explain to him why it wasn't a good idea, he just fell to his knees and just. Yeah.

Logic, right?

He didn't know why he thought that was the way to go about the situation, but it worked, didn't it? Josh got his drugs and Rami got his satisfaction. It was a win-win for the both of them.

But he didn't think he and Tyler would get another tattoo, let alone their names. He didn't think they'd tell each other they loved one another. He didn't think they’d have a threesome with _Brendon._

Tyler loves him, though. He loves him _._ Not Jenna, not some random girl, _him_.

He looks over at Tyler’s angelic face again, taking it all in. Tyler admitted he wasn't completely straight last night too and Josh can’t help the way his heart is swelling up. He’d wanted this for years and he was finally getting what he deserves; some _good_ in his life. He was tired of getting bad news on bad news.

Josh checks the clock on the desk (he has no fucking clue where his phone is) and snorts when he sees it’s past 4pm. They had slept through their Sunday and if any of them had homework then that would suck. They could have a mass study date anyway or better yet, maybe Tyler would want to go on a date with him now that he was single.

His eyes widen when he gets the idea; Tyler probably wasn't ready to go out with him again, he’d probably feel like hell when he woke up.

Josh moves his arm away from Tyler’s head letting him drop it on the pillow instead. He whines, grabbing for him to cuddle, but Josh is already out of the bed and away from him. Tyler shifts and Josh panics again, thinking quickly and handing him his pillow to cuddle with, hoping he wouldn't wake up or notice.

He watches Tyler settle his arms around the pillow and he holds his breath until he snuggles into it satisfied enough. He lets the breath out and goes to turn toward Brendon when he spots Donnie.

Donnie who was staring at him with a knowing look, like he could read his mind which was outrageous because well, Donnie’s a _cat._ He can’t know what he’s thinking, that’s impossible.

The cat tilts its head.

“Are you reading my mind?” Josh whispers to Donnie, then shakes his head. “Am I still high? What a dumb question.”

Donnie lifts a paw onto Tyler’s exposed leg and Josh’s hands fly out in a _don’t do it_ gesture.

“Donnie no, bad,” Josh warns, glaring at his stupid cat. “Don’t you _dare_.”

Donnie meows, putting his paw down and walking toward the pillow Tyler was cuddling and curling up against his exposed stomach. Josh thinks his heart may combust from the cuteness.

“If I had my phone right now, I’d take a picture of you and daddy,” Josh tells Donnie, who purrs softly. “Don’t wake him up, okay?”

He lifts his head and his green eyes look into Josh’s soul, literally. Josh is suddenly sure cats are able to read minds and see shit he can't. Cats aren't supposed to look at you that intensely.

“Please,” Josh sighs, pouting. “Just be good and sleep like you always do.” He watches the cat close its eyes and lean into Tyler. “Were you here when we were fucking? Aww, Donnie, no.”

His metaphorical son heard him fucking his dad. And uncle. That’s traumatizing. Poor Donnie; he wonders if he was just sleeping or too afraid to leave his hiding spots while they were going at it last night. Doesn’t matter anyway, he’s psychologically damaged now. The perfect cat for him.

He turns away from the cuddle fest going on between his cat and lover and walks over to Brendon. His face was smashed into his pillow and Josh bites his lip to stop from laughing.

“Beebo,” Josh shakes him and his eyes shoot open in panic, before glaring over at Josh.

“What?” He groans, pulling his covers higher. “What time is it?”

“Almost five o’clock, buddy.” Josh answers, then sits beside him and Brendon sighs. “I need your help.”

“When don't you?” Brendon sits up and rubs his eyes, trying to get the sleep off him. “What is it?”

Josh tells him his plan and thoughts and when Brendon looks over at Tyler laying in his bed blissfully and grins, Josh knows he’s in on it.

“Fine, but I'm showering first.”

Brendon gets up and walks straight to the shower, not caring about the fact he was naked at all. Why would he? Everyone in the room’s seen his dick now. Besides, Josh shouldn't talk, he was still naked too and in desperate need of a shower.

It’s weird, Josh has never felt so happy without the drugs or his meds clogging up his brain with fake emotions. He feels like everything is okay for once and god dammit, if he doesn't deserve this, Tyler laying in his bed completely and utterly peaceful and hopefully dreaming of _him_ , then he might as well give up now.

This is real, though.

Very real and Josh could cry. He remembers the first time he had thought about Tyler in a more than friend way when he was 14 years old and hating himself for it, thinking he was some sort of freak. He had tried to ignore it, this feeling of absolute adoration he felt for his best friend, but the more time they spent together the more it intensified. God, it had been so hard, so fucking hard pretending he wasn't catastrophically in love with him.

He knew it would never have ended well, he knew how religious Tyler’s parents were, how _his_ parents were and he didn't want to disappoint anyone again, he always disappointed them.

He still did, but now he tries to do what’s best for himself. When he told Tyler he was in love with him all those years ago, he’d blurted it out accidentally, ruining everything. Years of friendship had crumbled and Josh had been _ruined._

And now Tyler was telling him he loved him _back?_ How on earth can this be remotely real? Josh will honestly thank his lucky stars every damn day of his life starting today.  

Brendon comes out of the shower, towel wrapped around his hips and his hair fluffed up from drying it with a towel. He goes over to his drawers, picking out a pair of jeans and a shirt before noticing Tyler in Josh’s bed again.

“Last night was wild.”

Josh snorts. “Yeah.”

Once Brendon is dressed, hair fixed in a more presentable way, he grabs a pen from his desk and rummages around for something, papers being thrown aside on the desk as he searches. When he finds the paper he's looking for, he starts scribbling on it quickly and Josh raises an eyebrow at the smirk on his friend's face as he writes.

“Get your boy cleaned up,” Brendon puts down the pen, gesturing with his head toward Tyler. “I'll be back in like, half an hour. Keys?”

“Uh, they should be in the drawer.”

Brendon finds his car keys and even takes it upon himself to refill Donnie’s bowl with food before leaving as quietly as possible. Only then does it dawn on Josh that he's going to have to wake up Tyler. How the fuck is Josh supposed to wake up Tyler when he looks _that_ serene and calm?

It’s fine, Tyler could get the extra few minutes of sleep while Josh showers first.

He doesn’t waste time getting in and cleaning himself up the best he could and getting out, grabbing a towel to stop the droplets of water from soaking the floor completely. He brushes his teeth and dries his hair off with an extra towel, making the curls more prominent and wow, he should really think about re-dyeing it again.

When he steps out of the bathroom his breath catches at the view of a sleepy Tyler with his hair sticking out everywhere leaning back on one hand and chewing on his already red lips. The only thing Josh can think is that he looks so _fluffy_ and he wants to march over there and cuddle him.

“What the fuck were we thinking last night?” Tyler rasps out, voice thick with sleep and Josh’s heart clenches, hurt.

Tyler regrets it, all of it was a mistake and he hates him, but he’s smiling. Why is he smiling?

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” Josh stutters out, playing dumb.

“You don't remember, Joshie?” Tyler rubs a hand on his face. “I’m _so_ sore, why is that?”

“Um, actually, like hypothetically speaking, I might remember what happened,” Josh runs a hand through his hair and grips his towel tightly in his other.

“It was a good night, it’s a tragedy you don't hypothetically remember it.” Tyler’s sleepy smile mixed with the huskiness of his voice is enough to make Josh’s knees weak.

“Okay fine, I remember,” Josh gives in, leaning against the desk. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Have you not heard anything I've said, Josh? Of course I enjoyed it.” He gets up and walks over to Josh, keeping a space between them and then looking down at his knee, where Josh’s name was plastered slightly above it. “Can’t say this was the best idea, though.”

“The best idea,” Josh repeats slowly, his tongue heavy in his mouth before he’s laughing as he realizes that no, Tyler doesn’t regret last night and he remembers and _he loves Josh._

“Mhm,” Tyler hums, smiling at the sound of Josh’s happiness and glances over to the desk where Brendon had been writing. His smile turns into a scowl real quick. “God, Brendon’s a smug son of a bitch, isn't he?”

“What’d he do?” Josh asks curiously and Tyler holds out a paper, but it’s not just any paper. It’s their rules list, only there's been a slight modification. Where the third rule was, there was a stick figure giving a thumbs up and a small message beneath it.

 **3**. _Can only fuck eachother_. ~~(~~ ~~**_Brendon is the exception_ ** ) ~~ _fuck off brendon_

**_^ told you fuckers!!!!!_ **

Really, Josh shouldn’t laugh, he _shouldn't,_ but the laugh bubbles out of him anyway and then a tear escapes his eye while Tyler laughs too and when did everything get so perfect?

“Okay, you need to shower so we can go back to your room.” Josh says once he calms down.

Brendon had texted Patrick to help them out with this plan of Josh’s and hopefully everything will go as planned because if not then, wow, embarassing.

“Why’s that?” Tyler’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he smiles shyly, suddenly not thinking of this plan as amazing anymore.

“Um, we could like, have a date in your room.” Josh tells him then his eyes widen. “I mean, only if you want to! You know what actually it’s a stupid idea, forget I mentioned it, I don’t-”

“Yeah, I'll go on a date with you.” Tyler cuts him off and all Josh's mind could think of is the word _what_ over and over again.

“You will?” Josh asks incredulously and Tyler laughs, happy and with such a fond look on his face, Josh feels like he’s found his heaven.

“Yes,” Tyler lets out one last chuckle, before stepping into the bathroom. “I would kiss that dumb look off your face, but morning breath.”

“Good call. There’s an extra toothbrush in there.” Josh’s voice betrays him because he sounds so _awed_ by this stupid boy and he’s got such a nice ass and great, now he's alone, Tyler's retreating laugh still ringing in his ears.

Josh is sure this is his reward for surviving so long and he’s accepting it with open arms. He has Tyler. Tyler wants him back, he wants him back and this can't be real, nothing this good ever lasts, does it?

He drops his towel and gets dressed, going for a more comfortable look as he grabs his sweatpants and muscle tank. It’s not like he was gonna leave Tyler’s room once they get there. He hears the cat meow, glancing over at him as he eats food from his bowl.

“Things are going great with Tyler and I, Donnie. So great.” He bends down to pet him, smiling happily. “You're a lucky cat, you know?”

“Are you talking to our son again?” Tyler’s voice makes him jump up, a small yelp of surprise leaving his mouth.

“Jesus Christ!” Josh glares at Tyler. “I don't always talk to him, but he likes to listen.”

“You were talking to him earlier.” Tyler points out, a sly smirk on his face as he dries himself off.

“W-What?” Josh stutters and then groans. “You heard my idea, didn't you?”

“I have no clue what you're talking about.” Tyler says with wide eyes, looking as innocent as ever.

“Do you want to wear my clothes?” Josh changes the subject, feeling his anxiety rising.

“That’d be nice, baby.”

Josh's heart stops and he feels his cheeks heating up embarrassingly so and he turns away from him so he wouldn't see, going over to his closet and picking out a pair of black basketball shorts that _look_ like they’ll fit Tyler. He grabs his favourite NASA shirt too for good measure and hands the outfit to Tyler, who takes it and puts everything on gracefully.

Life prepared him for a lot of things, but seeing Tyler in his clothes was definitely not one of them. Josh was torn between wanting to tell him how amazing he looks in his clothes and be a total sweetheart or ripping the clothes off of him and fucking him into next century.

He glances at the clock to distract himself and notices it's been almost an hour since Brendon left and shit, Brendon told him a half hour.

“Let’s go!” Josh says quickly, grabbing Tyler’s hand and lacing their fingers together. He can do that now without being scared of being rejected.

Fuck, it felt good.

He pulls them out the door and locks it quickly before opening Tyler’s door - which was unlocked, thank you Patrick Stump, you angel - and giggles when Brendon comes running over, a small towel draped over his arm to make him look like a top notch waiter.

“Reservation, sirs?” Brendon asks in a fake British accent and Tyler laughs, squeezing Josh’s hand.

“Yes! For Dun, kind waiter,” Josh squints at Brendon’s chest, which was empty with no name tag. “Kind Brendon.” He amends, pretending he saw his name.

Brendon’s lips twitch. “Ah, yes, right this way.”

He lets them in and Josh smiles at the little decorative sheet on the ground with the small candle lit (because really, anything bigger than that would be a hazard, let's be real) in the middle. Brendon motions for them to sit and says he’ll be right over with their food.

“Food first?” Josh whispers at Brendon, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, _sir,_ food gets cold when it’s not eaten on time.” Brendon chides back, the British accent making Josh bite back his grin as he sits down on the sheet, hand still intertwined with Tyler’s.

“This is somethin’ else.” Tyler nods when Brendon goes into the bathroom, crossing his legs and playing with Josh’s fingers. If he died right now, he’d die a happy man.

“Our waiter is a dick,” Josh says loudly and hears Brendon muttering to himself in the other room. “But seriously, I just thought it’d be nice to call us doing something a date, officially.”

Tyler smiles, opening his mouth to reply, but Brendon is back with their food.

Which was Taco Bell.

“And here we have the _Doritos gordita crunch_ for you,” He places the plastic plate (plastic plate! really Brendon?!) in front of Tyler. “And the _crunch wrap_ for you.”

He places the food in front of Josh and this is so funny and great because Brendon has to squat down to do this while Tyler looks like he’s about to burst into laughter. Josh feels so… he doesn't know. Content? Light? Like he could take on the world without a problem?

Brendon puts a plate of fries in between the two of them and he walks away again. Tyler and Josh look at each other, small chuckles escaping them before Tyler picks up his food and takes a bite, Josh following suit.

“You know,” Tyler says, wiping his mouth and reaching for a fry. “This may be the best date I’ve ever gone on.”

“Really?” Josh takes another bite, not believing it for a second, but pretending for Tyler’s sake.

“Really. I’m comfy with my favourite person and I didn't even have to leave my room.” Tyler gestures at the candle. “And it’s super romantic. A candle? 100 points there.”

They're almost done eating, small conversations and secretive smiles being exchanged by the two when Brendon appears with two drinks in his hands. He smiles at them as he approaches and then, because nothing can be perfect, loses his footing.

“Fuck!” Brendon curses, stretching out the _F_ as he falls, splashing the drinks on both Tyler and Josh. The drinks fall into the candle too, the light going out completely. “I’m so sorry.”

Brendon looks up at Josh apologetically, but Josh just licks his face where the drink had splashed him and grimaces.

“I can't believe that baja blast went to waste.”

Tyler loses it, laughing a full body laugh and clutching at his stomach, his dimples popping on his cheeks. Brendon sits back too, eyes bright and entertained with the scene in front of him.

“Definitely the best date ever.” Tyler confirms, wiping the tears on his face. “I’m so sticky.”

“Gross!” Josh teases, sticking his tongue out at Tyler.

“Fuck it, group shower?” Brendon suggests, making them erupt into giggles again and then all three of them are making their way into the bathroom to shower.

You’d think having a group shower after engaging in sexual acts together the night before would end up being awkward, like, really awkward, but it wasn't. It was actually really funny, considering the situation. The situation being Brendon’s dumb ass dropping all their precious baja blasts on them and ruining a perfectly good date and somehow making it even more perfect.

In love.

That’s the feeling Josh feels. He feels so in love with Tyler and he’s always loved Brendon, not in the same way of course, but having his best friend supporting him makes him so damn happy.

They’re laughing and joking around when someone knocks on Tyler’s door interrupting them and their fun time. Seriously, the next time they'll all get along like this will probably be never, so to say Josh is disappointed is an understatement.

“I’ll go get it, don't worry.” Tyler gets out and puts the same clothes on, not caring about the drink spilled on it. The clothes were dry by now anyway.

The knocking continues and Tyler leaves the room, the two boys in the shower straining to hear the conversation about to happen.

“What are you doing here?” Tyler demands and oh, Josh knows shits about to go down.

“I need to talk to you.” Jenna’s voice makes both Josh and Brendon scowl in disgust. “Why are you wet?”

“I just showered,” Tyler says back offhandedly. Josh hopes she sees the hickeys on his neck. “Can’t we talk another time?”

“Why is your shower still going?” Jenna asks and Brendon grins at him. Josh knows that Brendon is coming up with a terrible idea and when he gets on his knees in front of him, Josh curses everyone.

Every person who ever told him Brendon was a sweetheart and can do no wrong can go straight to hell.

Brendon doesn’t play around and gets his mouth on him quickly starting to suck him off, making Josh bite down on his hand not to moan and blow their cover in the shower.

“Josh is in there,” Tyler replies so softly, Josh almost doesn't hear him.

“Why on earth is Josh using _your_ shower?”

“His broke,” Tyler snaps and Brendon’s tongue glides expertly along his dick. “Why is it any of your business?”

“I need to talk to you. Alone.” Jenna is persistent, Josh will give her that.

Josh hears him say to hold on a second as he closes the door, then he’s walking back into the bathroom and when he glances at the shower he double takes when he sees them.

“What the fuck.”

“I don’t know what happened,” Josh is being honest, he really doesn't. “He slipped and his mouth landed - _ah fuck_ \- it landed on my dick.”

“You guys need to leave, oh my god.” Tyler is trying to hide his smile, Josh can tell.

They hear the door opening and all their heads snap towards the direction of it. Brendon goes to pull off of Josh, but he just grips onto his wet hair, keeping him in place.

“Get dressed.” Tyler hisses at Josh before turning and leaving without another word.

Brendon looks up at him annoyed and Josh lets him slip off of him, keeping his hand in his hair. He turns off the shower and looks down at him.

“You’re going to stay here and shut the fuck up, understand?” Josh tugs on his hair and Brendon bites his lip with a nod. “Good.”

Josh gets out of the shower, grabbing his clothes in the process and putting them on as quickly as possible. He wasn't going to leave Tyler deal with this all by himself.

“Hey, thanks for letting me use your shower.” Josh tells Tyler as he makes his way over to him, hair still slightly dripping on his forehead.

“No problem, man.” Tyler smiles shyly over at him and it’s so cute Josh just wants to kiss him in front of Jenna and show her who he belongs to now.

“I didn't think it was true, but it’s kind of weird seeing you two together right now.” Jenna cuts in, eyeing the two of them suspiciously.

“What’s true?” Tyler tilts his head waiting for her to continue and let them in on the gossip.

“You two making out.”

“What?” Both of them choke out and they both hear Brendon snort from the bathroom. Josh coughs to mask it.

“Tyler it’s fine,” Jenna ignores Josh completely. “I saw the video and I get it. Everyone does things they don't mean when the Devil's juice is in them.”

“What are you _talking_ about?” Tyler snaps angrily. “We didn't make out!”

“Tyler, the video-”

Brendon laughs from the shower and Jenna walks over to the bathroom door, a look of shock taking over her features.

“What the fuck, Tyler?”

Josh looks at Tyler and he sees the panic rising on his face. He glances back at Josh and all he can do is shrug, mouthing the word _act_ at him. Anything Tyler says, Brendon would play along with. Tyler nods and walks over to her, confused.

“What?”

“What’s he doing here too?” Jenna points to a naked (and grinning) Brendon. “This video is making more and more sense every second I'm here.”

“First of all, no one is here, you need to go to the eye doctor,” Tyler takes a look in the bathroom, locking eyes with Brendon for a second before looking back at Jenna. “Second, this video you keep talking about is fake, whatever it is.”

“He’s right there!” Jenna’s voice rises and Tyler shakes his head.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Tyler waves Josh over and he obliges. “Do you see anyone here, dude?”

Josh sweeps the bathroom, trying so hard not to burst out laughing as he looks at Brendon (who had hid his clothes, the smart boy) and shakes his head.

“It’s an empty bathroom.” Josh replies confused. “What's wrong with it? What’s going on?”

“You’re kidding me,” Jenna points right at Brendon, the two staring down at each other and Josh has to admit, it’s pretty intense. “You don't see him right there?”

“The reason you see me is because you're secretly in love with me.” Brendon says and when she looks at both Tyler and Josh’s neutral faces, void of hearing the remark, she sighs.

“I'm going crazy.” She whispers and Tyler purses his lips.

“Come on,” Tyler puts an arm around her shoulder and leads her away from his bathroom. When it's clear, Josh steps in a little and fist bumps Brendon before running out again.

Josh sees Tyler opening the door and Jenna shakes her head furiously, stepping away from Tyler.

“I seriously need to talk to you, Tyler!” She snaps and Brendon walks out of the bathroom completely dressed and unfazed, slipping past everyone and out the door. “You didn't fucking see that?”

“What are you talking about? See what?” Josh asks frustratedly now, rubbing the back of his neck. “Dude, if you see dead people or some shit, tell me now. That’s so cool.”

“Can you leave so I can speak to Tyler?” She growls, pointing toward the door. Josh glances at Tyler.

“I'll talk to you later.” He promises, but the look on his face says _I don't have a choice, I love you, but she's crazy_ and Josh respects it.

“Yeah.” He nods and smiles at him, leaving the room and spotting Brendon leaning on the wall opposite of him. He closes the door behind him to give them more privacy (Josh trusts Tyler) and walks over to Brendon.

“That was fucking hilarious,” Brendon grins, high fiving Josh. “Who knew Tyler had it in him?”

The two laugh at the entire joke of a situation that just happened and then Josh tugs on Brendon’s hand.

“Nice try, but you're finishing what you started in there, buddy.”

“Bring it on.” Brendon challenges and the two are running back to their door, fumbling with their keys and stumbling inside too slow for their racing minds.

 

\---

 

Everything Jenna tells him, Tyler knows she’s going to say even before she says it. It’s not like he hasn't had attached ex-girlfriends before, but this one takes the cake.

_Tyler I think you made a mistake_

_Just think about this please_

_You’re throwing away a year of being together for what? Nothing!_

_Did you ever love me Tyler?_

Tyler isn't exactly paying attention to her, zoning out here and there, but that last one has him rolling his eyes so hard, he’s sure they're gonna get stuck at the back of his head.

“Jenna, I think you should go.” Tyler stops her pathetic rambling before it gets worse and she looks at him stricken.

“Alright, fine,” She bites her lip, then glances away from him. “Your parents called me.”

Now she has Tyler’s attention.

“Why?” He can't help sounding confused at the comment.

“They saw the video.”

Again with that video. Tyler has no idea what it is, but it’s starting to get on his nerves.

“What fucking video?” Tyler clenches his fists together tightly, his jaw set.

“The one Jack posted on your facebook wall of you, Josh and Brendon at a party last night.” She looks up at him through her lashes, trying to be cute, but the wind has been knocked out of him for different reasons. “I told them we broke up.”

“You need to leave,” Tyler tugs at his hair, a nervous habit he never could get rid of. “Now.”

“But Tyler, I can hel-” Jenna starts, but Tyler cuts her off, raising his voice.

“ _Now!”_

She leaves quickly after that, leaving Tyler alone with his own thoughts. He felt like his chest was going to give out and his breath was coming in too quick for it to be normal. He closes his eyes and tries to regulate his breathing, taking deep breaths to calm himself down from the minor panic attack.

Once he’s calm he grabs his phone from the pocket of Josh’s basketball shorts and clicks on the facebook app. Of course the one time he needs to use it, it takes forever to load and Tyler might cry, he feels the stinging in his eyes already. Everything was going so well, why did it have to get ruined?

The app loads and he clicks on his notifications, heart stopping when he sees that Jack did post something on his wall last night. He wanted to believe that Jenna was lying to him, this can't be happening. He clicks on it and watches the video flash on his screen.

_Is this you, man?_

He feels sick when he sees Josh kissing Brendon and reaching for him, guiding him forward to kiss Brendon when he pulls away before he replaces his lips with his own and Tyler feels the sob escaping his throat before he even realizes he’s crying and oh god, what does he say to this?

He stumbles over to his bed, legs feeling like jell-o and he quickly deletes the video from his wall, hoping the evidence disappearing would assure his parents it was fake.

If they saw that video, fuck, Tyler didn't even _know_ what he’d say to them. He has to think positive, they hadn't called him since supposedly seeing it. Maybe they didn't notice him or thought it was photoshop or something, _anything_ _!_

He exits the app and quickly sends a text to Brendon, knowing full well Josh had lost his phone somehow last night.

_hey she's gone but I don't feel well. think that tacobell bothered me_

He tosses the phone away and curls in on himself, hugging his arms around his knees and instantly feels like a child. He knows that he can't keep hiding from this, this is who he is and he can't control who he has feelings for, it just didn't work like that. Maybe his parents would understand if he just _explains_ this to them, maybe maybe maybe.

Tyler almost believes himself.

The door opens and after a few seconds, Tyler sees Patrick making his way over, concern written all over his face.

“Are you okay, Tyler?” Patrick reaches forward then drops his hand. “What happened?”

“I don't know.” Tyler sobs again and then he’s being hugged and he loves Josh, he loves Josh so much and he wishes he were hugging him instead and smelling his familiar minty scent mixed with freshly cut grass and God, this can't be happening to him, it can't. Not when he finally started to understand himself.

“Whatever it is, Ty,” Patrick soothes, rubbing his back. “It will be okay.”

For the first time since Tyler’s met Patrick, he doesn't believe him.

 

***

 

It’s been an entire week since Tyler’s seen that video and everything is normal. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened and he likes to think of that as an achievement. He goes to all his classes, aces his tests, he even goes on another date with Josh (Which ends in the both of them getting laid and then waking up and going to Starbucks together. It’s very domestic.) and he’s happy. Honestly.

He’s just made it back to his room, having just finished his last class of the day and is surprised to find Patrick there.

“Hey, ‘Trick.” Tyler grins and pats him on the shoulder in greeting as he walks over to his bed.

“Hey,” Patrick nods, smiling. “Thank god it's the weekend. I’m so done with this semester.”

Tyler laughs, dropping his bag at the corner of his bed. “You and me both!”

“You got any plans this weekend?” Patrick asks lightly, setting the book he had been reading down.

“Nah,” Tyler sighs sadly and then perks up. “Actually, maybe I'll take Josh out on a date. I’ve wanted to ask him, but I always get too nervous.”

“You've been on dates with him, you know.” Patrick snickers and Tyler feels his face heating up.

“I know, but I get nervous around him, he’s just so,” He makes a weird explosion hand gesture looking thing. “You know?”

“Nope,” Patrick says happily then rolls his eyes. “Kidding. I know, that's how I feel about Pete.”

“How are things going with you guys, by the way?” Tyler sits down at his desk, facing his friend.

“Really good, thanks.” Patrick sighs and gets this faraway look in his eyes and Tyler can't help but grip onto his thigh above his knee where Josh’s name was. It grounded him more than Josh knew.

“That’s great, I'm so happy for you guys.” Tyler tells him sincerely and Patrick blushes.

“I could say the same about you and Josh,” Patrick shoots back. “Ask him out!”

“Okay, okay!” Tyler laughs and his head when there's a knock at the door.

“Yo Tyler,” He hears Hoodie’s muffled voice say and he shrugs at Patrick as he gets up to open it.

“Hey Hoodie,” He smiles at him and then his heart stops completely.

Behind Hoodie were the two people he hoped he wouldn't see and no no no, this can't be happening, this week was going so well. So fucking well.

“These your parents, bro?” Hoodie narrows his eyes as he looks behind him and back at Tyler.

“Uh,” His throat closes up. “Yeah.”

“Sucks to be you.” Hoodie grumbles and Tyler feels hallow. His smile had dropped off his face and everything inside of him was screaming to slam the door shut.

His father clears his throat and Hoodie rolls his eyes, telling them they have an hour and then they have to go. Tyler gives him a look and he swears he sees sympathy in Hoodie’s eyes before he turns to leave.

Tyler moves away from the door, letting them in.

“Hello son,” His father says to him before looking at Patrick. “Can we have a moment alone with him?”

“Yeah, sure.” Patrick says reluctantly and Tyler wants to beg him to stay, to not leave him here alone. Patrick gives him one last hesitant look before exiting the room.

Leaving him alone with his parents.

He swallows hard and walks over to his desk, ignoring the sad look from his mother.

“Tyler.” His dad's voice is sharp with an underlying anger beneath it. “What do you think you're doing?”

“I was going to do my homework so my weekend would be free,” Tyler shrugs, face bored. “But now you guys are here.”

“We saw that video.” His mother says gently, trying to ease the topic on him.

“It's not me.”

“Bullshit!” His father hisses, crossing his arms. Tyler is taken aback because his parents never swore. “Why are you going to these parties? We told you not to, to focus on your schooling. How are your grades?”

“My grades are fine.” Tyler says defensively. He clenches his fists to stop himself from shaking.

“Why are you going to parties and kissing _boys?”_ His father finally gets to the point and Tyler has thought about how this conversation can go a thousand times.

Every time he’s thought of it, he’s lied his way out of the wrath of his parents. He’d tell them it was fake and him and Jack got into a fight and it was his friends payback and that was that, but now in the moment, Tyler feels his own anger building up.

“Why do you care?” Tyler shakes his head. “It’s not like it would affect you if it is me.”

“You would give our name a bad reputation,” His mother sighs, reaching for his arm and Tyler jerks it away.

“Give the family a bad rep?” Tyler scoffs in disbelief. “Everything I've done is for you guys! Besides, being gay isn't a bad thing and if you think it is then you need a fucking reality check.”

“Watch your tone, young man.” His father steps closer, face hardening. “You're going to apologize to Jenna and find your way back together. This is non-negotiable, do you hear me?”

Tyler laughs. He laughs and laughs and he can't stop it, this was so ridiculous. He sees his father’s face getting red and he calms down, narrowing his eyes.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Tyler spits finally, looking at his mother for a split second and back to his father. “But I’m gay, dad. It’s not something I can choose.”

“You’re gay, huh?” His father walks up to him. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Tyler keeps his gaze, not faltering under the pressure. “Josh Dun.”

“ _Josh Dun?”_ His father’s face morphs into one of shock before disgust. “He’s converted you now, is that it?”

“There’s no such thing!” Tyler yells, feeling his face burn. “I've always been like this! It’s always been in the back of my mind, but you guys drilled it into my head that it was _wrong,"_ Tyler glares at his father. “I didn't just wake up one day and think ‘oh hey, today's a good day to get fucked senseless’ like a fucking on and off switch, dad! It’s who I am!”

Tyler feels his head whipping to the side before he feels the hot pain searing on his cheek. He gasps, hand flying up to hold his face as the tears began to well in his eyes and _dammit_ he’s not going to cry, not in front of his dad.

“Chris!” His mother yells faintly, a sob in her voice, but Tyler doesn’t care, he doesn't know them, either of them.

“You’re right,” His father grabs him by the jaw so he’d look at him again and Tyler blinks back the tears. “You _are_ a disappointment.”

Tyler bites his lip, his father's grip on his face not relenting.

“Listen closely you piece of shit,” His father growls in his face and he hears his mother crying, but she doesn't tell him to stop. “I didn't raise a fag. So you man the fuck up, or else there will be consequences _worse_ than a slap in the face, you understand?”

Tyler stays quiet, a tear falling out of his eye and down his cheek.

“I said, _do you understand?_ ” His father yells and Tyler jerks away, nodding.

“I understand sir,” Tyler whimpers when he lets him go, falling to his knees and the tears fall without warning, the sob catching in his throat and he can't breathe, fuck he can't breathe. “I’m sorry.”

He isn't apologizing to them, never them, he doesn't care about them. He’s apologizing to Josh, to the boy he loves more than anything in the entire world. He can't have him, he’ll never be able to have him, not now, not ever. Why had he been so naive, thinking he could?

“You’re damn right you're sorry,” His father spits on him, crumpled on the floor and for one fucked up second, Tyler thinks he deserves this. “Fucking disgrace to the Joseph name.”

Tyler nods, he can't do anything else other than agree when he looks to his mother whose face is a mask of pain watching him. He can't understand, because she let this happen, she didn't stop it. Why didn't she love him enough to stop his father from hurting him? Why couldn't she help him? Why couldn't they accept him the way he is?

She takes one last look at him on the floor before his father is snapping his fingers at her, urging her to leave and then they're gone, leaving Tyler a mess of himself. He clutches his cheek before getting up and walking to his desk, broken cries leaving his lips as he grabs his songwriting book.

He opens it to the first page, a blank one with jagged rips on the side from having ripped out so many other failed attempts at poetry and starts writing, tears smudging the page.

_I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark and I_

_don't know where I should go_

_and the tears and the fears begin to multiply_

He bites his lip and continues writing his thoughts.

_Am I screaming to an empty sky?_

_Empty sky, no way, that’s me cause one half of my heart is free_ _(the other half of my heart’s asleep?)_

More tears fall and his writing is shaky as he scratches that out. Not good enough, never good enough.

_Lights, camera, action, satisfaction_

_At your fingertips no one’s lacking stuff_

Tyler sniffles, wishing that his life could be simpler, that people would see him the way Josh does, not as this perfect student everyone thinks he is.

_Enough about you let's talk about me_

_and how everybody thinks I'm just so free_

Tyler chokes out a strangled laugh.

_Free?_

_Did you hear the verse that came first and how my own body's waging war on me?_

_I bet you didn't know something as absurd_

Tyler stops and breathes, begging his body to stop the tears, he can’t continue crying, he was better than this, stronger than this.

_there's a word I've said more than any other word,_

_It’s “sorry, sorry”_

_And I pray that the word was heard_

“A chorus,” Tyler whispers to himself, hating everything he’s writing. “You need a chorus.”

But his hand is gliding on the page, writing the song and he hasn't felt inspiration like this in his life.

_Sing a song but don't believe_

_Blasphemy is just for me_

_Hypocrite, take your pick_

_‘Cause the poisons on my lips_

Tyler wants to yell, but all he does is continue crying, feeling this weight crushing his chest and he can't breathe, why is this happening to him? His face stings and he can’t take this anymore. Josh didn't deserve this, anything but this. He made him feel loved and okay and Tyler hates himself, he hates the words falling onto the page, he wants to stop writing, wants to never talk to his family again.

_Can I understand you?_

The room is spinning and Tyler closes the notebook, putting his face in his hands and letting himself sob for all the good and all the bad he’s experienced in the last four months.

He hates himself even more for what he’s going to have to do.

 

\---

 

After careful thought and many midnight heart to hearts, Brendon agrees with Josh and tells him he should tell Tyler he loves him again, only sober this time.

Sure they had admitted their undying love toward each other while high, but they hadn't repeated those 3 simple words since that night and Josh was getting anxious. He wants to hear Tyler say it to him when he wasn't under the influence.

Not that Josh didn't believe he loved him, of course he knew he did. The tattoos are enough proof of that. He just thinks that it would be so nice to hear him say it again, just for his insecurities and anxiety about this to go away.

They’d been on dates now, like actual dates and it makes Josh so happy and he knows it shows on his face because all his friends keep jokingly asking him who the lucky boy is like they didn't know. Like anyone in the entire world didn't know he was head over heels in love with Tyler Joseph.

It’s small gestures that always get to Josh too, like when Tyler kisses his forehead or reminds him to go to class or brings him coffee in the morning (from Starbucks!) or when he’s lying in bed with him after sex and he tells him he’s beautiful. It makes Josh’s entire world, his entire _galaxy_ and if he could, Josh would bottle up every star in the sky and give it to Tyler to show him how much he loves him. He'd even tell him he was prettier than all of them, every single one.

A memory blossoms in Josh’s brain of the two of them a few days ago, high and post-fuck (making love? Josh doesn't think of them as fuck buddies anymore) just sitting outside their dorm, Tyler in Josh’s clothes again. Tyler was staring at the moon, eyes wide and so, so alive, but Josh was just staring at him, cigarette lit and taking the sight of him in.

“You would beat the moon in a pretty contest,” Tyler had said, glancing over at him and nodding. “You would. Definitely.”

And Josh’s heart had almost flew out of his chest, his high induced brain not thinking fast enough for his mouth.

“You’re way prettier!”

And Tyler had laughed, this loud, beautiful laugh and Josh wanted to close his eyes and record it so he could hear it every day for the rest of his life. Then he thought how he wanted to make Tyler laugh forever, as long as he lived and a small smile had graced his lips, catching Tyler’s attention.

He’d kissed him in public, where everyone could see, whispering how much he appreciates him, how he doesn't want to live a life without him again, but never how much he loves him, not since that night.

So Josh was going to say it to him again and let it out. Technically it was already out there, but he’s going to remind him. And then hopefully that’ll leading to them saying it over and over and over again, always reminding each other that when everything fails, they'll always have each other.

Josh knocks on Tyler’s door, giddy and excited now having hyped himself up for this moment for hours.

Tyler answers the door and his face lights up for a fraction of a second before something flashes in his eyes that Josh doesn’t understand. Fear? Why was Tyler scared?

“Hey, Tyler.” Josh smiles softly at him, watching the fear leave his eyes as he lets him in.

“Hi.” Tyler walks over to his bed, grabbing his phone and texting someone.

“Uh,” Josh falters. Something was off, he could tell something was bothering Tyler. “I need to tell you something.”

Tyler glances up for a second, before nodding and looking back at his phone. “Go on.”

“Tyler, I’m in love with you.” Josh hurries out, face flushing as the words leave his mouth and Tyler’s head snaps up at the confession.

“Oh,” Tyler bites his lip and this wasn't the reaction Josh wanted. “That’s a shame. I guess you lost again, huh?”

Josh’s smile drops off his face, staring at Tyler and this wasn't the boy he was in love with, not with those distant, emotionless eyes.

“Yeah, yeah,” Josh forces out a laugh. “I guess I did, but you said it too, last week.”

“Last week? When I was high out of my mind and saying a bunch of shit I didn't mean?” Tyler purses his lips and shakes his head, mock sadness on his face. “You lost. I think you should go.”

“What?” Josh feels his breath coming out faster. “Tyler, what?”

“Are you deaf? I said you should leave.” Tyler waves to the door. “Close the door on your way out.”

“No, no no no.” Josh whispers, moving toward Tyler desperately. “No, you don't mean that.”

“You don't know me at all then.” Tyler’s eyes are so cold and Josh feels his throat close up.

“Yes I do,” Josh argues, reaching out for him, but Tyler’s glare stops him. “Tyler I know you, I-”

“Josh, just leave.” Tyler’s voice sounds tired, as if Josh was a problem he couldn't get rid of fast enough.

“So, that's it?” Josh raises his voice, angry now. He wasn't going to be thrown aside like this. “All this time and you're just going to fucking drop me like this? _Like I don't matter?”_

“Lower your voice.” Tyler rolls his eyes, rubbing a hand over his face.

“Lower my voice?” Josh replies, aghast and slightly hysterical. “Lower my _voice_? I think this is a _perfect fucking volume!”_

“Why are you still here?” Tyler looks bored and Josh doesn't understand.

“I don't understand what's happening right now, I really don't.” Josh sighs, looking at the ground trying to make sense of all of this.

“You want me to fucking spell it out for you?” Tyler walks up to him, locking his eyes with his. "I don't love you. I never did love you and whatever fantasy you had of us running away into the sunset together can get thrown out the window.”

“No.” Josh whispers, voice cracking. It feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest and being stepped on right in front of him. “No Tyler, I love you and you love me.”

Tyler snorts. “Is that what you've been telling yourself? You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me when Jenna can’t be.”

His words hit Josh as hard as a semi on a highway, the breath being knocked out of him and he’s shaking, oh god, he's shaking.

“Tyler, _you love me_. You broke up with her for me. You came out for me.” Josh insists, voice straining over a sob.

“Stop making this harder for yourself and go.” Tyler turns around, picking his phone up off the bed and keeping his back toward Josh.

“Please,” Josh begs, tears falling onto his cheeks. “Please don't do this to me again. Not again, _please_.”

Tyler doesn't say anything and Josh breaks, knees buckling and falling to the ground, a loud sob escaping his lips. Tyler won't look at him, he doesn't care that Josh is hurting and how had he been _so stupid?_

“Don't leave me,” Josh cries, knees too weak to even get up and walk toward Tyler. “Please don't leave me, I can't do this again, I _can't._ I can't."

The boy Josh loves turns to him, his face showing some sort of empathy toward him but it’s gone again, his gaze turning cold and no that's not his Tyler, it's not his boy.

He walks over to Josh, bending down to be at eye level with him.

“I'm leaving,” He tells him and this close Josh can see that Tyler’s eyes are red-rimmed. “When I get back I want you to be gone.”

Josh can't breathe and his chest is closing up and he can't help it when he lunges forward, kissing Tyler with everything he has in him, a sob falling off his lips and onto Tyler’s.

 _Please stay,_ the kiss says. _Don't leave me again_. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

And Tyler kisses him back, he makes Josh believe there’s a chance they could make it, that this was just an overreaction, but now he’s leaning away and glaring at him, disgust curling on his lips.

“Don’t touch me again,” He growls lowly, getting up. “Whatever we had is done.”

“Don't do this.” Josh tries one last time, watching him with all the love he feels for him painted clearly on his face and Tyler just frowns, walking toward the door quickly before pausing.

“Goodbye, Josh.”

Then the door is closed and Josh is alone, like he’s always been, like he always will be and he sobs brokenly on the ground, reaching for his phone. He needs to forget, he needs to lose himself and not feel like this anymore, not again.

 _rami I need you_ , He texts.

 _what do you need?_ The reply comes instantly, like he’d been waiting for Josh to text him.

 _anything to numb this pain_ , Josh has to erase and retype the message a few times due to his shaking fingers and blurred vision, his panic attack only getting worse.

_I’ve got just the thing for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here, my friends, is when the real story begins. 
> 
> **  
> for the scene, Tyler's parents go and visit him, having seen the video on Tyler's facebook. Obviously they aren't very happy with him and Tyler comes out to them during the argument, making his dad smack him in the face. His father tells him he didn't raise him that way and that he would set things right or there would be consequences. 
> 
> The entire scene was painful to write, but with it, Tyler writes Blasphemy (a draft of it anyway) and that's about it!!  
> **


	13. It started out with a kiss (how did it end up like this?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey, hope all of you are doing fantastic. 
> 
> I know a lot of authors have a updating schedule type thing, but I'm just writing at whatever pace I can go in because I work and go to college and stuff. ya know? so thanks for sticking around and being patient, y'all are the best.
> 
> Tyler's thoughts at the beginning of this chapter get dark, so be careful. It's not too bad, but I don't want anyone to be triggered or anything.
> 
> And just to clarify, Tyler doesn't have the arm bands and the carpe noctem tattoos yet.
> 
> happy reading! -babs

Tyler runs as soon as he closes the door.

He runs and he runs and he runs, until he can’t breathe and feels like he’s suffocating from the lack of oxygen in his lungs. He deserves this. He just ruined the one good thing in his life, threw it all away and for what? The love from his parents he never got unless he did well in school? He’s pathetic. Useless.

He continues running, not having any idea what direction he’s going, vision blurring at the edges and he can’t stop thinking. He wishes he could just shut his brain off, but all he wants to do is go back to his room and tell Josh he loves him so much, that his love for him overwhelms him and takes over all of his thoughts, but he can't. He can’t do that anymore and he never will be able to again because he lost his chance.

Tyler is destined for a life of unhappiness, he knows. He just wishes he didn't have to drag Josh down with him. He’d made Josh cry, broken him down all over again and he hates himself for it more and more each second that passes by. If he could turn back time and change all of this so they never fell in love, he would. Not for himself, he would never change the way he feels for him, but for Josh’s sake. He deserves better, so much better than him. He deserves someone that'll be with him proudly, without any fears and Tyler wishes so badly to be that person, but he isn’t.

He stops running to catch his breath and when he takes in his surroundings, he realizes he’s made his way into some sort of forest. He does a 360 degree turn, watching the tree leaves rustle with the wind and it’s cold against Tyler’s skin, his sweater not keeping him warm enough.

It’s dangerously calm where Tyler is standing and it puts him off. If he were killed right now, in this place, no one would know. He’d be lost out here, left to die and no one would ever find him. The thought excites him until he realizes why.

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts, to get them out of his head. It doesn’t work, they still come no matter how hard he tries. What’s the point in him being alive? All he does is disappoint everyone who’s ever known him. He’s the definition of a failure, but Tyler knows, logically, he has some sort of purpose on this earth. God wouldn't have brought him here if he didn't.

 _God_ , he thinks bitterly. Whatever God he has is a fucking douchebag. If he takes pleasure in watching Tyler suffer this way, he wants no part of it. He instinctively reaches for the cross tattoo on his shoulder, hating himself for the thought.

He wishes he could be anyone other than himself, maybe then his family would love him and accept him. If he had a different family, would they have treated him better than his own? He doesn't know. He doesn't miss his parents, he hadn't missed them since he got to college and rightfully so, but he misses his brothers and sister more than he can imagine. He just wanted to tell them about what’s happened and get a hug from them, have their reassurance, but he knows his dad would kill him if he spoke the slightest word of this to them.

He hears a branch snap in the distance, echoing in the air and his killer theory comes back to his head. He wouldn't mind dying, he decides. Wouldn't mind it at all, in fact he’d welcome death with no problem and the worst part is he knows that’s fucked up. He knows these are all symptoms he shouldn't be over analyzing, but being the psychology major he is, he has no choice.

 _You deserve this you piece of shit_ , The voice at the back of his mind snarls at him, making him flinch.

He hears another snap and breathes deeply through his nose. The only regret he has is not telling Josh he loves him back.

“Is there anybody out there?” He yells to the empty forest, waiting for a reply.

It never comes, leaving Tyler alone to drown in his melancholy.

 

* * *

 

It’s been a solid 2 and a half days since Brendon has seen Josh and if it weren't for the fact he knows he’s been coming and going for changes of clothes while he’s in his classes, he’d be freaking out.

He wasn’t freaking out though, he was fucking furious. He’s been texting him non-stop asking him where he is and when he’s coming home like some obsessive boyfriend and Josh has the audacity to ignore every single one.

The fucker even has him on read. Fucking read!

At first Brendon was convinced he’d done something, it was the only logical explanation. Maybe he’d blacked out and tried to kill him or maybe it’s because he found out he ate his skittles. Who the fuck knows?

The one thing he knew is that Josh was most likely upset with him so fine, it’s cool, he’d give him his space without a problem.

Unfortunately, the world has different plans for Brendon because as soon as he’s ready to go to his class, his stupid, aggravating best friend comes bursting through the door without a care in the world.

“Oops.” He says loudly when he sees Brendon gaping at him. He backs away, his shoulders slightly rigid before they slump down, relaxing again.

“Dude, I've been trying to contact you for days, where the hell have you been?” Brendon demands instantly, jaw clenched angrily.

“With a friend.” Josh gives him a charming smile and Brendon already knows he’s high, of course he does, he knows how Josh is normally and this isn't it.

“What’d he give you?” Brendon watches Josh tilt his head calmly and he’s never seen him this calm in his life during a confrontation. He’s always fidgeting or moving or doing something, but right now he was just standing perfectly still. He walks over to take a better look at him.

“Nothing.” Josh smiles again, an arrogant curve to it and Brendon grabs him by his jacket to pull him closer.

“Listen, you're never this calm and collected and the fact you think I wouldn't notice is insulting,” He snaps lowly and gets closer. “So tell me what you're fucking on and let’s be done with it.”

Josh's eyes zero in on his as he sighs. “Adderall.”

“How much?” Brendon lets Josh go so he can sit down on his bed, but keeps his glare on him. Josh tilts his head, bringing his hand up to his chin as he considers.

“Not much, just 200mg.”

“Not _much_ _?_ ” Brendon groans because what the fuck. “Have you been sleeping?”

“No,” Josh admits honestly, looking shyly at him. “But the voices are gone, B. They’re not yelling at me and mocking me and making me feel like shit. It’s quiet. I can think for _myself_ for once.”

It breaks his heart to watch Josh insist on the fact this drug helps his depression. Brendon knows better, knows that it’s always temporary relief until it’s not and then it turns into an addiction.

“You’re not taking it again, okay J?” Brendon shakes his head when they lock eyes. “It’s not the kind of help you want.”

“Don't tell me what kind of help I want.” Josh retaliates, crossing his arms with a small pout on his lips.

“I don't know why you'd fucking take this in the first place, why don't you just stick with weed?” Brendon asks, genuinely concerned for his friend.

“It makes me forget about _him_.” Josh’s face turns sad for a second before he’s turning his face away from Brendon.

“Who?”

Brendon hopes for his and Josh’s sake he doesn't say the name he knows is probably coming.

“Tyler.”

Brendon looks up at the ceiling, breathing deeply. Whatever happened between them happened and now they were fighting again. Of course. It was a never ending cycle, apparently.

“You guys will get over this like every other thing you fight about.” Brendon assures him softly, sitting on his own bed.

Josh laughs sarcastically, pointing finger guns at him. “No, I don't think so.”

Brendon knows when to talk about certain subjects and right now, this one is a huge no. He takes the smart route and changes the topic back to the more important things.

“Please don't take anymore, Josh. I'm begging you.” Brendon gives him his best puppy dog eyes and Josh giggles.

“Fine,” He declares after a moment of silence. “For you, I’ll stop.”

Brendon gets up and walks over to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders quickly.

“Thank you.” He whispers into his soft hair before kissing him on the head. He pulls away and pushes him down on the bed. “I have class, but stay here until the drug wears off, okay? And please text me back, you asshole.”

He starts moving toward the door, already a half hour late to his test and he hopes his teacher understands the struggles he goes through in life.

Josh mumbles something incoherent before agreeing and Brendon is out the door, running toward his class like his life depends on it.

 

\---

 

Turns out Brendon’s professor was quite understanding of his excuse of him having a family emergency and gave him his test without any arguing. She didn't give him any extra time, but it was better than a lovely grade of 0 so Brendon took the test gratefully.

When his time was up, he only had 3 questions left blank and though he tried to rack his brain for the answers (damn fucking economics bullshit) he came up with nothing.

 _Whatever_ , he thinks defeatedly as he hands his teacher his test. He hopes that he doesn't fail it completely, though he wouldn't be surprised.

His prof doesn't start a lecture after the test is collected and he almost hugs her because thank _god_ , he doesn't think he can look at numbers and letters combining any longer. Don't get him wrong, he loves learning about this stuff, but he needs a break. A well deserved break.

And that's what he does. He walks to the nearest local coffee shop near campus and he orders his damn coffee that he hasn’t had all day. The coffee may not be fucking Starbucks, but Brendon loves it here anyway. It had a very hipster vibe, in fact the cafe’s name was The Hideout and if that wasn't impressive then your opinion is wrong. They only had couch seats and the walls were decorated in classic band pictures or inspirational quotes that made Brendon want to be a better person and to be honest, he could use that inspiration.

The lights weren't dimmed but they weren't shining super bright either, casual fairy lights littered across the wall and really, the place always played great music. They had a small stage set up in the corner of the room with an acoustic guitar placed expertly on top of it for anybody who wanted to play.

A college kid just drinking coffee and relaxing on a couch at The Hideout. It was incredible and Brendon was seriously considering applying for a job here. The only problem with that is he knows shit all about coffee.

The girl behind the counter, super cute with orange hair, smiles at him and gives him his coffee.

“Thanks, Hayley.” He does his best good boy smile and she snickers.

“No problem, bud. Take care.”

With that she turns away and starts on another coffee and Brendon just _loves_ it here. He walks over to an empty table and he sits down on a couch, sighing at the way his body relaxes.

He takes a sip of his coffee and glances out the window. If Josh wasn't so busy all the time or fucking shit up for himself, he’d be here with Brendon and they’d be gossiping. He misses when he and Josh would talk shit, it was one of the things that brought him joy and now he can’t even do that because Josh is an idiot.

If Josh were here he could have told him about his date with Dallon. He was about ready to burst keeping it in, but Josh is so invested in his own boy he has no time to hear about Brendon’s.

Brendon’s hand clenches around his drink, disagreeing with his thoughts right away. Josh _does_ care, he just makes wrong decisions. It’s fine. If anything, he’s the one missing out on the hot gossip.

The place Dallon had taken him to eat was amazing and they totally fucked by the end of the night. Talking to him had also been too easy, much to Brendon’s surprise. You’d think going on a date with your teacher would be awkward but Dallon was genuinely cool.

The best part was that _Ryan_ was their waiter for the night and he was so pissed, Brendon could feel it falling off of him in waves.

Brendon finishes his coffee and gets up to leave, smirking to himself as he tosses his cup in the garbage. It’s not like he was going to apologize to Ryan for dating. In fact, Ryan should learn a few things from him and go out and date other people.

The wind blows against his chest where his tank top wasn't covering and he considers zipping up his hoodie before deciding against it. Gotta look cool even if it kills him.

He sends Josh a quick text asking if he’s okay and stifles a smile. When did he become the mom friend? Usually others were watching over him and making sure he wasn't doing things he’d regret in the morning and being in that position now, he realizes how much of an asshole he is.

He’s never getting drunk or high again. For the benefit of his friends. They've gotten him out of enough shitstorms to last him a lifetime and if he wasn't such a compulsive liar, he’d believe the little pep talk he just thought up.

The wind picks up and he honestly feels like fucking Elsa not letting the cold bother him and shit. He wasn't a weak bitch, he could handle the stupid Ohio cold, he has been for the last 19 years of his life. His phone vibrates and he checks it as soon as he feels it to distract himself from the shivers running along his body.

_im goooood. needed some air. im up on the roof u know breathing n stuff if u need me_

Brendon feels his heart stop for a second before he shakes his head. Josh would never, he was up there for air and Brendon believes him. He can understand why too, after being high on adderall for days on end it was only normal.

As he nears his dorm, he can't help how his eyes wander around the corners anxiously or the sigh of relief when he sees nothing. He does recognize the blonde and brunette standing close together, looking deep in thought.

Their hands are intertwined and Jenna looks up at Tyler like he’s just solved all her problems, like a whole new world has been shown to her and when he leans down and kisses her all the puzzle pieces connect in Brendon’s head.

“What the fuck?” He whispers to himself, rubbing a hand against eyes. He was definitely seeing shit, maybe he was the one on drugs. When he removes his hand, they’re still there, mouths still attacking each other desperately and Brendon feels the rage building up.

It all makes sense. It makes _sense_. Josh was supposed to tell Tyler he loved him a few days ago, he was so excited about it too. They should have been celebrating the fact for days, but Josh was trying to forget about Tyler instead. The only reason that would happen is because Tyler told him he didn’t and straight up rejected him _again_ and now he was here, kissing his ex-girlfriend while Josh was trying to erase the memory from his brain with self destruction.

Brendon was going to kill him.

He’s walking up to them before he even realizes he’s separating them from their kiss, grabbing Tyler’s shoulder and shoving him away from Jenna.

“What the fu-” Tyler starts, but Brendon’s fist connects with his nose before he can finish.

“You motherfucker,” Brendon snarls, grabbing him by the front of his jacket, not giving Tyler enough time to reach up and touch his face before he’s punching him again. “You _piece of_ _shit_ _!_ ”

Tyler groans and Brendon doesn’t care, he couldn’t give less of a fuck as he knees him in the stomach, enjoying the way his body caves in.

“I fucking told you,” Brendon punches him again and watches him drop to his knee, hand flying to his bleeding cheek. Jenna shouts at Brendon to stop, but she keeps her distance as he kicks Tyler in the ribs. “I fucking _told_ you if you hurt him again I’d fucking end you and what did you do?”

Tyler weakly tells Jenna to leave, glancing up at Brendon quickly and back at her with a nod, assuring her that he’d be fine and Brendon laughs, kicking him again. And again. He doesn't notice her leaving or shouting for help or the students beginning to pull their phones out to record the fight going down.

“What the fuck did you do, Tyler?” Brendon shouts and Tyler’s hands fly up to cover his face. “You fucking asshole! I hope you burn in hell, you son of a bitch!”

“I can explain!” Tyler yells back and he’s crying, from the pain or the guilt, Brendon doesn’t know, but he grabs him from his jacket and pulls him up.

“There better be a damn good explanation or I’m going to kick your ass much worse than this.” Brendon threatens, shoving him toward the door to their dorms.

Tyler sniffles weakly as he goes up the stairs and Brendon has the urge to throw him down them, maybe then he’d understand how Josh feels. Maybe then he’d learn not to fuck with his best friend ever again.

When they reach his door, Brendon opens it and all but throws him inside, getting in and closing the door roughly.

 _Deep breaths, Urie_ , he thinks to himself before turning around and facing Tyler who had spit blood on the floor and is wiping the corner of his mouth.

“You’ve got a minute to explain before I rip that smug fucking expression off your face,” Brendon snaps his fingers. “Fucking talk!”

“There was a video posted on my Facebook wall of all three of us kissing!” Tyler bites his lip and winces at the pain.

“Why the fuck do I care?” Brendon demands, ready to punch him again just thinking about how hurt Josh is.

“You might not care, but my parents _do_ ,” Tyler snaps, the fight draining out of him instantly. “They came to visit me after they saw it. I told them I was gay, Brendon. I came out, because that’s what I am. I’m fucking gay.” He gestures helplessly at nothing. “My father hit me, warned me he can do worse if I ever told him shit like that again.”

“What does this-” Brendon’s voice still drips with anger, but his hands aren't clenched and ready to attack anymore.

“Let me fucking finish!” Tyler yells before sighing and lowering his voice. “I was going to tell Josh I couldn't continue whatever we were doing,” Brendon moves forward and Tyler holds up his hands to stop him. “He told me he loved me before I got the chance. So I told him he lost the game.”

Brendon slams him into the wall and ignores the painful grunt that escapes Tyler’s lips.

“Why would you fucking think that’s okay?” Brendon growls, shaking him slightly and noticing his bloody knuckles for the first time.

“It had to be done, alright? I feel terrible as it is, but Josh can't- he can't love me anymore, I had to get him to hate me.” Tyler reasons, trying to shove Brendon away. Brendon lets him go and walks toward the middle of the room, hand running frustratedly through his hair.

“You broke his heart to get him to hate you.” Brendon says, more to himself than to Tyler. The only person Josh let himself fall for and he tore his heart to shreds not once, but _twice_. He looks up at him, eyes narrowing. “You’re a piece of shit, Tyler. You’re the worst kind of person there is.”

“I know that already!” Tyler explodes, wiping the blood on his face with the back of his hand. “You think I haven't told myself that every second of every day? I hate myself just as much as you hate me Brendon, in fact I probably hate myself _more_ , so please, _please_ try and see where I'm coming from!”

Brendon purses his lips together. He knows where Tyler is coming from, not personally because he was fortunate enough to have a family who accepted him the second he came out as pan, but from Josh. He knows that when he told his parents he was gay he had to face some struggles of his own and Brendon could sympathize with that.

He gestures with his head toward the bathroom. “Go get yourself cleaned up and get the fuck out.”

Tyler opens his mouth to say something else, but Brendon’s glare stops him in place. He nods and walks into the bathroom, his hand holding his side where he had kicked him repeatedly. Brendon doesn't feel any form of guilt for it either. He could hear the water going and he feels the backs of his legs hitting the bed as he sits down.

“I didn't want to do it.” Tyler says softly from the bathroom once the water shuts off.

“But you did.”

Tyler gets out of the bathroom, face puffy and beginning to bruise already and Brendon thinks he let him off easy, that he could have done so much worse.

“I’m in love with him.”

“Don't you fucking _dare_ say that shit to me after what you did to him _again_ ,” Brendon warns. “If this is how you treat the people you love then you've got some serious fucking issues.”

“I don't know what to do.” Tyler sounds so helpless and raw with regret that Brendon’s eyes soften.

“I’m sorry your dad abused you,” Brendon tells him earnestly, earning a stiff nod from Tyler. “But this wasn't the way you should have handled the situation.”

Brendon thinks of Josh begging Rami for something to get him high enough to forget about this and feels sick to his core.

“I know. I realize that,” Tyler grabs a piece of paper towel from the bathroom and walks over to the blood he spit on the floor. He bends down, letting out a mix between a wheeze and a groan. “What did you want me to do, man? I love him. I had to let him go, it would never have worked out.”

“You could have just, you know, explained what happened,” Brendon says sarcastically and rolls his eyes when Tyler throws out the bloodied paper, dragging his feet as he does. “He would have understood your circumstances more than anyone.”

“Too late for that.” Tyler sighs, shaking his head sadly.

“No,” Brendon gets up and it startles Tyler, making him glance up at him nervously. “You’re going to make things right. Explain this to him or I will.”

“You can't tell him any of this.” Tyler stutters, puffy eyes widening.

“The hell I can't!” Brendon snaps again, his fury coming back. “You hurt him bad. You have until Thanksgiving to tell him or I will.” He shakes off his hand. “Oh and if you don't tell him, expect to meet the end of my fist again.”

“You can't expect me to do this, it'll hurt him all over again!” Tyler argues with him desperately.

“It'll hurt him a lot less to know it wasn't his fault you can't be with him, you douche.” Brendon waves toward the door. “Now get the fuck out before I change my mind and kill you.”

Tyler doesn't waste time running out of the room, shutting the door behind him and leaving Brendon to lay his head in his hands to mourn what a mess his life has become.

 

* * *

 

Okay, Brendon wasn't always dramatic and when he is he doesn't mean to be. He’s a realist, he sees things the way they are and doesn't really try and bullshit himself into thinking otherwise.

So, really, what he’s getting at is that everything has gone to complete and utter _shit_.

The enemy living next door hasn't apologized to Josh yet and Josh has surprisingly been normal. No tears, no sadness, not a thing. He didn't even mention his fight with Tyler, let alone hanging out with him at all.

Which deepens Brendon's point about everything going to fucking shit. What’s he supposed to do, honestly? If Josh wasn't talking about it it's not like he can just waltz up to him and demand he speaks his true feelings to him like some sort of psychologist.

Brendon was an actor, but he couldn't pretend when his best friends mental stability was on the line here!

He was stuck. Like, in a hole, deep in the ground and waiting for someone to peek their head over the side and show him the answer on how to get out and fix this shitty situation.

That is until he walked by an unknown stranger talking excitedly to his buddy about a camping trip and Brendon had the idea.

You could practically see the lightbulbs on top of his head as he calls Josh.

“Hello sweetie! Not to be rude, but who calls other people anymore?” Josh answers and Brendon glares ahead of him for a second before he remembers Josh can't see him.

“I do, you gorgeous fuck-muffin.” Brendon tells him. “What are your thoughts on camping?”

“Uh, a grossly unneeded activity that shouldn't exist.” Josh says and Brendon snickers.

“Great, we’re all going camping this weekend.”

“Who-” Josh starts, but Brendon continues talking over him.

“And it'll be great.” Brendon sighs, ignoring Josh. “Just two groups of people getting drunk together to celebrate thanksgiving. Ironic, isn’t it?”

Josh is silent for a while before he bursts out laughing.

“You think you can get the God Groupies to come on a camping trip with us? Good one.” Josh continues giggling and Brendon could practically see him wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Excuse me,” Brendon scowls at his phone. “Are you doubting my manipulation skills?”

“By all means, if you can get them to come, I’m all in.” Josh assures him.

“That sounds fake, but okay.” Brendon says warily, almost reaching the dining hall.

“Did you just say a meme out loud in a verbal conversation?” Josh sounds amazed when Brendon hears someone muttering quietly to Josh and making him laugh. “What? No, not yet.”

“Who are you with?” Brendon’s curiosity gets the best of him.

“Nobody.” He says quickly and Brendon sighs. “So yeah, camping. Sounds fun.”

“Josh,” Brendon rolls his eyes. “I know you're with Rami.”

“Okay, yeah.” Josh amends. “You got me, but I'm not doing drugs, just getting laid.”

“Sounds fun.” Brendon mocks and he could really use a smoke right now, but he’d run out yesterday and hasn't bought a new pack yet.

“I’m all good B, I swear.” Josh promises and he wants to believe him so badly.

He wishes he’d never introduced the two of them to each other in the first place.

“I know, I know.” Brendon nods and stops himself. “I gotta go.”

“I love you.” Josh’s voice is quiet and so unsure it makes Brendon’s heart clench.

“I love you too.” Brendon laughs, trying to lighten the mood.

“Mhm,” Josh says absentmindedly. “See you later. Bye.”

Brendon stares at his phone after that weird hang up before pocketing it again. One person down, 2 groups to go.

He makes it into the dining hall and scans all the tables looking for a familiar head of bright blonde hair and when he finds it, he walks right up to it with all the confidence a boy like himself can have.

Which is, in retrospect, a lot because well, he’s Brendon Urie. Confidence should basically be his middle name.

He sits down across Jenna and Debby who had been huddled up together - possibly gossiping and talking shit - and they both jump in their seats, startled.

“Hey ladies,” Brendon grins and taps his fingers rhythmically on the table.

“What do you want?” Jenna all but spits out at him and Brendon rolls his eyes.

“Why so serious?” He asks instead, grin still on his face.

“Don’t be an ass,” Debby sighs, turning to face him fully. “What do you want?”

“I need your help.” Brendon gives Jenna his best innocent looking face.

“With what?” Jenna asks, crossing her arms on the table. “Better yet, why would I help you?”

“I’m trying to become a man of God, Jenna,” He says seriously, eyes locked with hers. “My actions lately have really shown me how many devilish tendencies I have and I need to change my ways.”

“Okay, and?” Jenna raises an eyebrow while Debby just studies his face.

“I convinced my squad to come on a camping retreat this weekend to also find inner peace,” Brendon nods. “If I’m going down, I'm dragging them down with me. Or up. Man of God and all.”

“I’m not following what you're saying.” Debby speaks up and Brendon internally rips his hair out.

“Will you guys, _all_ of your group, come along?” Brendon leans forward and rests his head on his chin. “It would mean a lot.”

“No.” Jenna says immediately and Brendon closes his eyes. Fine. He’ll have to up his game here.

“How can you say no?” Brendon demands, opening his eyes and glaring. “This is a retreat to connect with the earth God gave us and I want you guys to help me and my friends find the righteous path because I don't think we can do it alone.”

“You’re serious?” Jenna tilts her head confused.

“Are you kidding me? Of course I am!” Brendon slams a hand down on the table, offended. “You think I would lie in the name of the lord?”

“I don't know.” Jenna bites her lip and looks at Debby, the two having a silent conversation with their eyes.

“I mean, it's thanksgiving weekend.” Debby says, shrugging.

“We’ll be back before Monday,” Brendon assures them. “We just need a group of people who already know what it's like to let God into their lives, you know?”

“Okay,” Jenna exaggerates, running a hand through her hair. “We’ll come. I’m assuming we’ll be carpooling?”

“Duh.” Brendon grins and gets up. “Thanks for this! I'll text Tyler the details or something and he'll forward it to you guys. Amen and God bless you all.”

Brendon tosses them a peace sign before he gets up to leave, having talked to them enough. Once he’s out of there, his smile drops and he shudders. That had been terrible.

He pulls out his phone and sends his squad a group text explaining the camping details, making sure to include the words _booze_ and _weed_ because fuck a righteous path when those two incredible things exist.

Brendon already has a place in hell reserved for him, what can go wrong?

 

* * *

 

 **brendon** : _happy national coming out day baby_

 **josh** : _I could kiss you bro...no homo tho_

 **brendon** : _bro I'll suck ur dick for free….no homo_

 **josh** : _bro ill let u ride my dick for free…. no homo_

 **brendon** : _sounds hot_

 **brendon** : _u know what else is hot_

 **brendon** : _me on my knees_

 **josh** : _FUCK YEAH GAYNESS!!!!!!_

 **brendon** : _COME HOME I HAVE GLITTER AND LUBE_

 **josh** : _fuck my ass r u srs rn_

 **brendon** : _um no fuck MY ass, r u coming_

 **josh** : _winter is coming_

 **brendon** : _winter would have already came if u were here bitch_

 **josh** : _...omw_

 **brendon** : _hurry up or I'm starting without u_

 **brendon** : _also im having telepathic thoughts with ur cat right now. he loves me and wants me to blow his nose_

 **josh** : _u got high without me?!_

 **brendon** : _alright listen it was the cats idea he said it was ok_

 **josh** : _tell donnie I miss him and that I'm thinking about him_

 **brendon** : _[1 image attached]_

 **brendon** : _he fuckin hates u hurry the fuck up_

**read at 4:47pm**

 

* * *

 

 

As it turns out, both groups are set on coming, not like it would have taken much to convince them if everyone had said no. Josh is convinced that Brendon threatened everyone by saying he’s a hacker with capabilities of ruining lives.

Well, he _could_. If he really wanted to, that is. Brendon was a ruthless motherfucker when he wanted to be. Case in point, Brendon beating the shit out of Tyler before even knowing the full story.

Josh isn't surprised he pieced it together, but he wants nothing to do with Tyler at this point. Doesn't want to see him, doesn't want to talk to him, he sure as hell never wanted to go camping with him, yet here he was, doing it anyway because Brendon was planning something. When he saw the bruises clearing off Tyler’s face, there only had to be one reason for it and the closer Saturday morning came, the worse the sickening feeling in his stomach got.

He was doing such a great job being good and hiding his addictions from Brendon. He hadn’t slipped up in front of him, he didn't even notice the fact he was high half the time, not like when he was on adderall and it was apparent.

After Josh told Rami he couldn't take addy anymore because he’d made a _promise_ , Rami had nodded his head and slipped him the small baggie with white powder in it.

“Just to take the edge off, yeah?” Rami laughed and Josh joined in taking the bag.

Josh is an idiot, he knows, he _knows_ and he can already feel his mother's disappointment and her voice nagging at the back of his mind that drugs aren't the answer _Joshua_ , but fuck if the drugs don't make him feel _good_ and make his life bearable.

It’s an addiction, he knows that too. He hates to admit it to himself, but one line turned into two and two turned into four and the list multiplied and now he craves it, feels himself shift into insanity when he doesn't get his fix.

Another reason why this camping trip has him on edge, sarcastic comments about cancelling the entire thing falling on deaf ears. He doesn't want to go, wishes he never accepted the request in the first place, but Brendon is persuasive, he knows the ways a person clicks before they do and he breaks them down until they have no other choice but to agree.

Josh should know better than to think he has any way of getting out of this.

He’s currently in Rami’s room, a room quite clean for a drug dealer living in a frat. He had the room to himself, not being obligated to share after pulling some strings and Josh thinks it would be so nice to have a room to himself, where he didn't have to worry about Brendon barging in on him doing lines in the morning.

The light dims slightly in the room while Josh stares at the ceiling, body slick with sweat, sheets clinging to his naked torso as he trails his fingers gently up and down Rami’s spine. Rami was sitting up, leaning on his elbow, the white powder he’d spilled onto Josh’s abs the product of his stare. He dips his finger into it and rubs it along his gums, humming lightly.

“This shit is good.” Rami closes his eyes and Josh’s eyes flicker over to him for a second.

“Yeah man,” Josh replies because he knows it's good shit, he fucking knows it and he wants nothing more than for Rami to scoop up the coke on his fingers and shove them in his mouth.

How was he supposed to last an entire camping trip without his fucking drugs? How was he supposed to look Tyler in the face without letting him know that he’s a fucking mess without him? The drugs helped him feel okay, so much so that Brendon hadn't even picked up on it.

He was screwed.

“What’s on your mind, babe?” Rami asks, leaning down and snorting the rest of the coke, kissing up Josh’s side affectionately when he's done. “Something’s bothering you.”

That caring tone bites at Josh’s skin and makes him scrunch up his face. Nobody cares about him; they used him, fucking spent him until he was begging them to stay and then left him. It’s a loop that Josh will never escape. It’s a miracle that Brendon still hasn't left his side yet, but there was still time. There was always time for people to realize Josh isn't worth the fight.

Right. Camping. Josh knows how to save his ass from the torture of it, but at the expense of his best friends trust. Was it worth it?

“Would you like to come camping with me and my friends this weekend?” Josh voices out loud anyway, cheeks turning pink on their own account, the monotone in his voice accentuating the look of absolute dread on his face.

“Shit dude,” Rami laughs, laying down beside him. “Camping?”

“It’s a fucking nightmare, I know,” Josh sighs, wishing he’d accepted the offer to snort cocaine off Rami’s body now. “Come suffer with me?”

Josh is hopeful, letting it fall into his voice and caress the air with it. Rami hums in thought, hand moving to rest comfortably at the back of his head.

Josh watches him, not in a creepy way, but just takes him in. His green-blue eyes, tan skin, the fullness of his mouth, the hard shape of his jaw, even the way his hair was shaved on the sides while the middle was longer. It was nothing like Tyler and it makes Josh wonder if all he ever felt for him was infatuation because he _knew_ him once upon a time.

It’s not like it matters anymore to him anyway, he’s decidedly given up on love. Again. It wasn’t for him and he’s okay with it, he’s come to terms with the fact that all he’s good for is having sex and fucking things up royally.

His thoughts don't make him sad because Rami agrees to come on the camping trip, murmuring into his neck about visiting family first and Josh doesn't care that when he rolls on top of the boy next to him, he yelps in surprise.

He just leans in and kisses him, trying to forget everything and anything. He wants nothing more than to get lost in the fake euphoria, wants to drown in it until it suffocates him.

Rami kisses him back and Josh repays him by making him moan.

 

\---

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Brendon mutters to himself as he makes his way to an empty seat in class, watching as Dallon glances at all the annoyed looking students.

“Hey guys, your professor couldn't be here today,” Dallon looks apologetic. “But they emailed me to come sub in since I have some knowledge on this acting stuff too. It doesn't hurt to have a TA here too, you guys all know Martin, right?”

Brendon knows Martin, alright. He knows that he’s fucking Rami and that Josh is sitting at the back of the theatre room watching them eye fuck each other. He knows that Martin is 25 and that he’s moved to LA in the hopes of becoming an actor but eventually gave up and settled for teaching. He knows that he’s married and that him sleeping with one of his students is his way of coping with his existential crisis. He knows these things, not because he's a stalker or anything, but when he learns about a new person, he likes to investigate them and well, hack into everything and get as much blackmail material as possible. Which, if anyone is wondering, he has.

It’s a fucking hobby, sue him.

“I know you guys would rather be sleeping and stuff because guess what, so would I, but you actually have an acting test to do today that your prof couldn't delay.” Dallon continues, walking over to the stage and grabbing the top hat resting on it. “You’ll each be paired in groups of two and you'll pick out a word from this hat. Now the hard part is you only get to see the word when you get on stage. Improv techniques, guys. You’ve gotta work on that stuff according to your prof.”

Some kid named Matthew raises his hand, earning a nod from Dallon.

“Do we get to pick our partner?”

Dallon smirks. “No,” He gestures to himself and Martin with his pen. “We do.”

Groans resonate between students in the class, some people muttering about how they're going to fail this improv test so hard and Brendon rolls his eyes. If simple improv is hard for these guys then they'd never survive in the acting industry.

He slouches in his chair, watching as groups of two took their turns going on stage and doing their improv projects. Two girls had the word _award_ and they pretended one of them was a golden globe winner while the other did their best impression of Kanye ruining the moment. Another group had the word _love_ which was about as easy and cliche as it could get, really. They had it easy. Another pair had the word _drink_ and had acted as if they were drunk. Brendon chuckles at that one, he would have done the same.

“Alright, Brendon,” His head snaps up as his name is called by Dallon and he notices him tossing a smirk at Martin.

“And Rami.” Martin says with a grin and Brendon narrows his eyes. The two profs in front of him definitely knew that they were fucking their students and were _definitely_ placing silent bets by the way they were glancing at each other mischievously.

Trying to look unfazed by all this, Brendon gets up, Rami following behind him as he gets on stage and looks out into the crowd. He notices Josh in the back, feet propped up on a seat, face looking ecstatic and he rolls his eyes again. Of course he’s going to bust a nut over him and Rami acting together. Rami walks over to him with a paper in his hand.

 _Fight_.

“What the fuck does this mean?” Rami mutters to himself, glancing shyly up at Brendon to see if he knew. Brendon was fucking waiting for this moment and it's like the stars finally aligned and allowed him this opportunity.

“ _Oooh_ , imma fuckin’ spell it out for you,” Brendon grins menacingly over at him, his hand clenching by his side.

“Nice reference, dude.” Rami laughs and goes to clap him on the shoulder, but Brendon turns his body away from him.

“Thanks, man.” Brendon stops, eyes narrowing. “Wait a second no, fuck you!”

Rami looks taken aback for a second before his eyes form into a glare and his mouth twitches downward into a small frown.

“What's your fucking damage?” Rami demands, crossing his arms and Brendon snorts non-comically, looking out to the audience at Josh for a second before looking back.

Improv was mostly fake emotions being released quickly, like rapid fire to make something look better, like say a fuck up in a monologue or a song. But when Brendon looks at Rami, their eyes locking again, there's nothing _fake_ about how he feels toward him. The anger burning through his veins makes him clench his jaw before his smile turns sharp, predatory.

“You’re gonna ask me that? Really, man? After what you've done?”

“I don't know what you're talking about! Bro, I thought we were _friends_.” Rami snaps and nothing about this is improv, but everyone is buying it, nodding along.

“You’re giving fucking drugs to Jo- _Jim_ , you fucker!” Brendon yells and he sees Rami recoil slightly, eyes going wide.

“Oh, that's what this is about,” Rami smirks, tilting his head in a condescending way. “Are you jealous he likes me better now? That he’s found a catharsis in me and the shit I give him?”

“You wish.” Brendon growls out, but Rami laughs.

“You’re a jealous little _bitch_ ,” Rami spits, eyes glaring daggers. “Open your eyes and see the bigger picture instead of blaming me for shit I can't-”

“You have no right to tell me to see the bigger picture, Jim didn’t deserve this and you fucking clawed your way into his head-”

“Excuse me? He came to _me_. He needed _me_. Not you!”

“He shouldn't need you at all!”

“So let me get this straight, you're putting the blame on me because you've failed as a friend?” Rami steps closer to him. “You should stop running away from it and see it for yourself; you're literally a shitty friend and everyone can see it, Jo- Jim can see it, I can see it, just accept the fact he-”

Brendon smacks him before he can finish, jaw clenched and when Rami huffs and shoves at his shoulders, he can't help but wonder what Josh thinks and if he knows they’re fighting about him now. Brendon raises his hand to shove him back and he forgets where they are for a second; that he’s in his class trying to ace a test, but Rami is there smirking and _goading_ him to try and hit him again.

Then he hears clapping.

Both of them straighten up, smoothing down their clothes as Dallon and Martin approach them.

“Damn, that was good!” Dallon beams. “You guys had the word fight, right?”

“Yeah,” Rami says skeptically, eyes on Martin.

“You guys portrayed it perfectly _and_ creatively,” Dallon nods, grinning at Brendon. “Especially the drug dealer bit. That was great, Bren.”

Brendon feels the ice in his chest thaw out and he kinda wants to melt into a puddle. Dallon was giving him nicknames and all he wanted to do was suck his dick now.

“The slap was a bit much, though.” Martin adds, fingers twitching at his sides, wanting to touch Rami’s face and make sure he was okay.

“Nah.” Rami and Brendon both reply at the same time. They both look at each other and roll their eyes.

“Alright, last group then you're all free to go,” Dallon turns away from them to address the class, calling the last pair onto the stage and leaving the two boys alone.

“Hey,” Rami taps Brendon’s shoulder for his attention. Brendon hums. “No hard feelings, right? I didn't really mean anything I said.”

Of course he didn't, but Brendon did. He meant it all and he didn't want to take it back, he wants him to know how shitty of a human being he is for purposely trying to ruin his best friends life.

“Yeah,” He says instead. “No hard feelings, dude. Was just improv, you know?”

Rami looks like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he grins, nodding his head and gesturing to where Josh is sitting.

“Wanna go join him?”

“I guess so.” Brendon shrugs and together they make their way over to Josh who all but gushes about how great they are. They each sit on either side of Josh.

“You guys were so good up there, honestly! I can't believe how awesome you two are, like, you have talents, man.” Josh pauses to smile at Brendon, leaning forward to grab his hand. “B, you did so great, it sounded like you really cared about Jim. That emotion, you know? So good. And it was all on the spot!”

“Thanks Josh,” Brendon chuckles, a light blush creeping into his cheeks as he laces their fingers together, watching as Rami leans his head on Josh’s shoulder. “It means a lot whenever you compliment my acting.”

“Well, you're the greatest Bren, of course I'll compliment you.” Josh sounds appalled, like he can't believe Brendon just suggested a time he hasn't been amazed at his acting.

“Yeah yeah,” Brendon laughs, kicking him in the shin. “This is exactly what it's like for me whenever I hear you drumming.”

Josh just sticks his tongue out at him, focusing back on Rami. They start whispering to each other, too low for Brendon to hear anything they’re saying so he just focuses his attention on Dallon.

Dallon with his tight jeans and vest tops and bowties and stupid smile and perfect hair. Brendon was so sure that this small crush he had on him would go away after they'd fucked, but no. He was so wrong, so so wrong. This crush was huge, it was massive and he was without a doubt screwed. Hopefully metaphorically _and_ physically, if he plays his cards right.

He turns to ask Josh what he thinks about his thoughts and notices the empty chair next to him. He looks around the room and notices faded pink hair walking out the door quickly.

“Where’s he going?” Brendon asks Rami who just shrugs in reply.

Sighing, he takes it upon himself to follow Josh because to be honest, he misses him and was kind of hoping they could hang out after this class seeing as he was already here.

Once he’s outside, he looks around and bites his lip when he doesn't see Josh anywhere. Well realistically he couldn't have made it far enough for him not to spot him so he was probably in the bathroom and if not, well Brendon would just text him. He takes his chances and heads toward the bathroom.

When he got in there he didn't expect to feel his heart drop so low it felt like it was practically beating in his stomach. He didn't expect to feel the nausea either, but here he was, staring at his best friend doing blow and rubbing the excess powder off his nose.

“Really?” Brendon’s voice cracks and he clears it when Josh spins around. “I asked you to stop one drug and you move on to another?”

“Brendon, I-” Josh stops and bites his lip. “I need it, okay?”

“You need it? What you're doing is ruining yourself.” Brendon hisses, a hand moving up to tug at his hair.  It made sense why Brendon hadn't noticed his highs sooner now, it was so easy to hide it, especially when he thought Josh was off the heavy shit.

“No, no Brendon,” Josh’s voice is desperate, his face looking absolutely broken. “It’s not that, I tried, I tried _so_ hard to- to…”

Josh’s voice breaks off and he stares up at the ceiling, blinking back tears, but Brendon just shakes his head sadly. He takes a step back, away from Josh and he can see the hurt flash in his eyes.

“I tried to be good Brendon, please believe me,” He begs, stepping forward and sniffling. “I stopped the adderall as soon as you asked and the thoughts, god the thoughts came back.”

“They came back and they haunted me and I needed them gone, Brendon. I can't-” He chokes up and turns around to glance at himself in the mirror. “How did I even become this _person_ _?_ Idon't even know who I am anymore and you know what the worst part is? I'm okay with this. How can I possibly be okay with this, Brendon? This goes against everything my mom stands for. She'd disown me too if she ever finds out what I've been, what I've been-”

Josh stops his rambling, his voice catching on a sob in his throat, his head lowering so he can avoid his eyes in the mirror.

Brendon wants to blame Tyler, he wants to blame all of this on him, but he knows that Josh was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode way before he came back into the picture; it was just unfortunate enough to be Tyler who detonated him and finally set him off.

“Hey,” He tells Josh softly, waiting for him to turn around and look at him before continuing. “We’ll get through this together, yeah? Like we always do.”

“It’s so hard.” Josh replies, voice choked up and Brendon reaches for him, arms going around his shoulders as his friend lets out a sob onto his shoulder.

“You’re gonna be okay.” Brendon shushes him and Josh laughs harshly, pulling away from him.

“I think I'm pretty fucking far from okay, Brendon.”

“All else fails, you'll always have me.” Brendon assures him instead, knowing that his friend needs to hear it, that the fear of everyone leaving and isolating him eats at his mind hungrily whenever it’s given the chance. “You’ll always have me.”

“Promise?” Josh presses, lifting up his hand, his pinky sticking out. Brendon would have snorted at the childishness of this if the situation wasn't so serious.

“Promise.” He interlocks their pinkies, staring Josh right in the eyes. “Wanna go home and binge watch The Office? I don't got any coke, but I've got Red Bull.”

The joke is sour on his tongue and it almost makes him want to punch himself as soon as it's out of his mouth, but then he sees the smile forming on Josh’s face and he thinks against it.

The smile turns into a full on toothy grin and he nods, making Brendon pull him out of the bathroom and to their room.

He hopes that this weekend will fix things, he doesn't think he can see Josh breakdown again. Out of every single person in the world, Brendon knows that Josh deserves every good thing to happen to him, he’s the most selfless, humble, compassionate person he knew. He was like a bright ass comet flying through the sky and it would be a god damn shame to watch him crash and burn again, leaving nothing but destruction in his wake.

“No more, okay?” Brendon whispers over to him as they walk together, arm around Josh’s shoulder and leaning into him heavily.

“I can’t promise you that.” Josh’s smile is sad as his eyes cast downward at him and he looks as though he may cry again.

“ _Try_.”

With a purse of his lips and a small pause, Brendon is almost relieved, no scratch that, he _is_ relieved to hear Josh’s small and barely audible ‘ _okay_ ’.

The doubtful alarms pound against his skull, urging him not to believe a word of what Josh says, but for now he finds himself tugging him closer and laughing.

He laughs away all the pain, all the lies, all the secrets Josh is feeling, telling and keeping from him and pretends that everything is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do any of you watch mr robot because I'm still not over that season finale ok bye


	14. When it's dark out, I search for love but don't find it (Just sex and drugs but don't mind it because nothing's real I'm reminded)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much drama and how many references can you fit in one chapter?
> 
> the answer? A lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I'm just gonna take this time to thank Boya for the lovely art of Tyler and Josh they made for us. It's absolutely beautiful and if you guys wanna check it out, I'll post a link to it at the end of the chap. :)
> 
> Like, I started writing this story a year ago just to impress kai and now people are drawing art of it and y'all are always commenting and whaaaat. it blows my mind. thank you, honestly. 
> 
> btw STOP HATING ON TYLER HES JUST A SAD CONFUSED CHILD OK
> 
> love u bye -babs

It goes a little something like this:

Brendon texts Tyler how his parents own a cabin up north and that they could use the woods around it as their camping space so if anything happens (i.e rain) they could just move into the house. Tyler responds saying having a backup plan was a good idea. Brendon ignores him and his sucking up.

Josh asks his mom if he can use her van in addition to his Chevy for said camping trip to drive around his friends and she agrees, beyond happy that Josh was hanging out with his friends outside of school grounds. She tells him to come pick it up and have Brendon drive it back to campus.

Josh and Brendon make a list of everyone coming:

-Pete  
-Patrick  
-Ashley  
-Ryan  
-Jenna  
-Debby  
-Alex   
-Jack   
-Gerard   
-Frank  
-Tyler

Josh doesn't mention the fact Rami is also meant to be on that list. Brendon doesn't ask or think of it.

The two go shopping for food and other amenities with the promise of not buying stupid shit; they leave with marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers for s’mores, nachos (with salsa and cheese dip), a water gun they saw on display (most likely for kids), balloons (because why not), walkie talkies (a pack of 4), one black sharpie (stop complaining Josh or I'll draw a dick on your face when you’re sleeping), advil (see? responsible) and some glowsticks (again, why not?).

Also, condoms. For good measure.

Alcohol wise, Brendon uses his fake ID and gets 8 cases of sixers, muttering to himself how everyone better pay him back for this shit while Josh just laughs profusely, adding a small _‘maybe we should just get a keg_ ’ and earning himself the finger.

Right now, they're both baked, sitting in the parking lot of a dunkin donuts and trying to eat some bagels. Naturally, they would have stopped somewhere better, but like, when the munchies hit, they hit hard and Brendon had stopped at the first food place he saw.

Josh moans as he takes the first bite of his whole wheat bagel, the healthy motherfucker, while Brendon stares at his own plain Jane one. He glances up at Josh right as he goes to swallow and holds back a giggle when he chokes.

“Eating a dry bagel with nothing to drink is not a good idea, fam.” Brendon announces when Josh whines and glares at his bagel.

He’d been keeping an eye on him, making sure he didn't sneak away and start doing shit behind his back. To his surprise, Josh stayed by his side the entire time they were out.

“You don't say?” Josh pouts and throws his bagel back in his bag. “I don't want it. Get me a muffin.”

“What makes you think a muffin will be better?” Brendon kicks his feet up on the dashboard, getting comfortable.

They both sit in silence, pouting and hungry. Josh snaps his fingers, a bright grin forming on his face as he turns his body toward Brendon.

“I got it, go get us coffees.”

“Bro, we passed a Starbucks on the way here, why didn't we just stop there?”

“Because you missed the exit.”

“Oh, so now this is _my_ fault?”

“Well, if we went to Starbucks I wouldn't have almost died by bagel.”

“Fuck you and your bagel.”

“Fine.” Josh crosses his arms and sits back in his seat.

“Fine!” Brendon huffs, mimicking his position.

More silence. Then,

“I would suck a dick for some Taco Bell.”

“Brendon, you're literally the one driving.” Josh points out, physically gesturing at the steering wheel and Brendon to prove his point.

“Do you not want your dick sucked? Are my skills lacking?” Brendon brings a hand to his face, distressed. “Holy shit, I suck at sucking dick. My life is over. Done. What is the point?”

So, they do their business in that stupid parking lot because they're both very risqué, get their Taco Bell and go back to their room, content and finally filling the voids in their stomachs.

It’s all great until they wake up at 9am on Saturday morning and they have to go get the van from Josh’s house. Groans and curses fall from the two boys’ lips and thank god they both packed their shit for the trip before going out yesterday otherwise the two would be screwed.

During the half hour drive to his house, Josh can't help how he starts getting nervous for the entire thing. He doesn't know if it's a good feeling or a feeling of absolute dread anymore, but overall he still wishes this camping trip wasn't happening.

When Josh sees his mom waiting outside for the two of them, he can't help how he runs out of his car to hug her tightly. After all that's happened, a hug from her is all he needs to feel okay for a few seconds, maybe minutes if he’s lucky. He hasn't told her about any of the shit that went down and he hopes to keep it that way.

“Hi mom.” His voice breaks as he buries his face in her hair. She runs her hands over his back soothingly.

“You okay, honey?” She whispers and he nods, pulling away from her with a smile on his face, but she can tell it doesn't reach his eyes. She doesn't ask.

“ _Laura_ ,” Brendon sings as he walks up to them and she laughs, pulling him in for a hug too. “Your mom likes me better.”

Josh laughs and shoves his shoulder when his mom lets Brendon go. He notices the way his mom watches them, her eyes softer than they were before with a full on smile on her face and a wave of guilt washes over him. She would be so disappointed in him if she knew what he’s putting Brendon through.

“Do you guys want to come in for coffee?” She asks, pointing toward the door. “I have it brewing as we speak.”

Brendon looks at Josh and he shakes his head, his hat keeping his hair in place instead of letting it bounce onto his forehead.

“Nah, we stopped at a McDonald’s on the way here.”

“Thanks though, momma Dun,” Brendon grins, putting an arm around her shoulders. “You’re my favourite second mother.”

“Stop sweet talking me, you bunch’a troublemakers.” She says and the two of them pout in denial. She hands Brendon the keys to her van, mentioning how she put the camping gear in the trunk already.

“Should I be scared of her breaking down?” Brendon asks as he eyes the car, rusted and looking about ready to fall apart.

“Probably.”

“Oh, this will be fun.” Brendon claps his hands, moving closer to Josh and hooking his arm with his. “What could go wrong?”

Laura snorts. Brendon and Josh both raise an eyebrow at her and she shrugs, trying to look innocent. Neither of them buy it.

“Alright ma, we gotta get going.” Josh feels bad when he sees her expression fall. “We told everyone to be ready for 11:30.”

“Yeah,” She nods, forcing a smile. “Smart. By the time you get there, set up and all that, you'll be ready for a bonfire.”

“Don’t be sad.” Josh finally says and she sighs, looking over at Brendon who was quiet and back at Josh. He waits for her to drop the bomb.

“Are you sure you don't want to come to thanksgiving dinner?”

 _There it is_.

Brendon’s eyebrows shoot up and Josh snorts, a bitter feeling rising in his chest. He levels his mom with a look before shaking his head.

“Not if dad is there.”

“He just wants to see your brother and sisters,” She tries weakly. “Maybe you two can reconnect?”

“Nice try, but I'd rather get mauled by a bear.” Josh admits and he sees Brendon trying to stifle a smile by turning his face into his shoulder. Subtle.

“Don't joke about that.” His mother glares at him and he shrugs. Brendon feels the tension beginning to build and brings them both in for a group hug.

“Wow, what a great day for group hugs!” He says, making Josh roll his eyes. They let go of each other and Laura sighs again.

“Be careful, alright?”

“When aren't we?” Josh laughs, nudging Brendon in the ribs.

“I promise I'll take care of your dumbass son.” Brendon salutes her and she laughs, waving a hand at him to stop.

Brendon and Josh both make their ways to the cars, but before Josh gets in he turns back to his mom standing on the porch.

“Love you. I'll text you when I get there.”

Then he’s out of there and on his way back to campus, Brendon following close behind him. Brendon got next to him at some point and revved his engine like an idiot and almost broke the van before the trip even began. Josh had laughed the entire drive after that, little giggles and small chuckles leaving his lips.

They pull up into the campus parking lot and they already notice the two groups standing apart from each other, camping gear that they most likely got dropped off by their parents next to them and giving each other wary looks. Brendon and Josh park next to each other, getting out and walking toward everyone.

Josh purposely keeps his head down, scuffing his shoe in the ground as he greets everyone. He hears that stupid high pitched _hey_ in the sea of welcomes that could only belong to Tyler and he stiffens.

“Alright first off,” Brendon starts, placing a hand on Josh’s lower back and making him jump. Brendon drops his hand when Josh finally looks up. “Everyone hand over gas money, this shit ain't free.”

They do the math between one another and hand Brendon the gas money owed. Josh focuses his attention on everything but Tyler, his heart seizing in his chest from holding his breath and breathing deeply to try and avoid a panic attack. This was a terrible idea and Josh wants to kick Brendon in the throat for making it happen.

“Okay so, Josh you're riding with me.” Brendon tells him and Josh furrows his eyebrows.

“Wasn't I gonna drive my own car?”

“No, give your keys to Pete, I need your pleasant ambiance in the van.” Brendon explains waving him off, but Josh still grudgingly gives his car keys to Pete, a small threat about anything happening to his car leading to a murder passing his lips quietly.

“Okay, me, Josh, Ashley, Ryan, Debby,” Brendon pauses and points to a brown haired dude with a fringe and his buddy with black hair. “You two-”

“Our names are Alex and Jack, dude.” Alex glares, crossing his arms.

“I don't care.” Brendon raises an eyebrow in challenge and Alex huffs indignantly. Brendon continues. “And Tyler. You’re all with me, the rest of you will go with Pete.”

Josh definitely wants to kick him in the throat.

“I'm going with Pete. Jenna wanna switch?” Josh asks her sweetly, fighting a roll of his eyes. Jenna goes to nod and agree when Brendon cuts her off.

“No! We’re supposed to be _bonding_.”

“Okay so, Patrick, Jenna, Gerard and Frank are with me.” Pete clarifies, looking to Gerard and Frank to make sure he hadn't gotten their names wrong.

“Yeah.” Gerard smiles, gesturing to all the bags. “We should get this stuff packed up and get going, though.”

For some reason, Jenna doesn't argue with Brendon about these seating arrangements and Josh is suddenly curious again as to how exactly he got all of them to tag along on this stupid trip. He _had_ to have threatened them.

“I don't like this.” Josh mutters to Brendon as he hands him someone's camping gear to store away.

“Don't be such a buzzkill, buddy!” Brendon tosses the bag in, not caring if anything in it breaks. “It’ll be fun.”

Once Brendon gets the last of everyone's stuff in the trunk and closes it, they all get in the van. Josh was obviously shotgun, so at least he knew he wouldn't have to sit right next to Tyler the entire time. Brendon shouts over at Pete to just follow him to the cabin and Pete gives him a thumbs up, getting into Josh’s car.

Turns out Josh is luckier than he thought because Tyler sits all the way in the back, calling window seat with Jack and Alex next to him while Debby, Ashley and Ryan were behind him and Brendon. He wonders if Ryan is going to be kicking Brendon’s chair the entire ride. Some evil part of him hopes he does just to make this trip is as much hell for him as it's probably gonna be for Josh.

“Alright motherfuckers,” Brendon all but yells out, putting on his seatbelt and turning the key in the ignition. “Let’s fucking do this!”

They drive in absolute silence for about 10 minutes before Brendon loses his shit and tells Josh to hand him the aux cord. One of the dudes in the back makes a joke about not playing shitty music and Brendon almost swerves off the highway in offence. Just to fucking spite them he starts playing Hey Ya by goddamn OutKast and Josh is trying so hard not to laugh at Brendon singing it word for word.

Brendon snickers when the next song starts playing, smacking Josh in the arm knowingly.

“Fuck yes my dudes, me and Josh are about to blow your minds.”

“Just a small town girl livin' in a lonely world, she took the midnight train goin' _anywhere_ ,” Josh starts singing, like they always did during drunk karaoke nights and Brendon’s responding grin could blind him.

“Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit, he took the midnight train goin’ anywhereee,” Brendon continues and Josh could feel everyone's stares on them but he ignores them, focusing on his best friend.

“A singer in a smokey room, the smell of wine and cheap perfume,” Josh smirks and Ashley joins in with him, making him turn to look at her shocked.

“For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and _on and on and on_ ,” Brendon, Josh and Ashley shout without missing a beat and Josh can feel the mood in the car shift.

“Strangers waiting,” Alex chants from the back. “Up and down the boulevard!”

“Their shadows searchin’ in the _niiiiiight_ ,” Jack follows up, nudging Alex with his elbow jokingly and Josh sees Tyler’s jaw drop.

“Streetlight people, livin’ just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the night.” Josh laughs when Brendon hits the high note because this was all so ridiculous, they were all supposed to hate each other and here they were, singing together and actually getting along.

“Working hard to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill,” Ryan pipes up and Brendon cheers happily. “Payin’ anything to roll the dice, just _one more time_ ,”

“Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues,” Debby leans forward and high fives Josh, matching smiles forming on their faces.

“Oh the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on,” Tyler finally sings from the back and the cadence of his voice hits Josh’s ears and makes him close his eyes to enjoy it.

The bridge comes back up, Debby and Ashley singing half of it in a duet and Brendon and Ryan harmonizing for them.

“Don’t stop believin’!” They all shout, smiles being heard in all their voices, the contrasts from high and deep mixing beautifully among them. “Hold on to that _feeling_ _!_ Streetlight people, don't stop believin’!”

As the song fades to an end and Take a Walk by Passion Pit starts up, Brendon starts hitting the steering wheel to the beat of the drums. Everyone laughs, happiness filling the car as they all sing together, bopping and jamming, forgetting about all their problems with each other for just a little while at least.

Josh is sort of starting to feel glad Brendon set this whole thing up.

 

\---

 

Tyler raps the entirety of Rap God by Eminem.

Everyone is speechless.

( “Did he seriously just…” Brendon says in awe, focusing on the road, but mind obviously elsewhere.

“Yeah.” Josh replies somewhat breathlessly, smacking Brendon in the arm to get his attention back to not crashing the van and killing them all.)

Brendon sings Bohemian Rhapsody to one up him and take back the crown as singing king.

Josh smiles a little guiltily when he says it's a tie.

 

\---

 

They get to the cabin (2 hours later) without dying and the funny thing is, as soon as Josh steps foot out of the stupid van he pretends that their bonding didn't happen. He distances himself from Tyler, sending a quick text to his mother and talking to Debby instead.

They’d become friends again during that car ride, talking about how they are, how school is, alien conspiracies, tattoos, all that good shit and Josh was grateful for her. If he wasn't gay, she’d be his soulmate he’s pretty sure.

He does the mistake of looking around and sees Tyler and Jenna, hands interlocked and laughing at something Gerard is saying and he feels his heart breaking all over again.

He thinks that it’s going to break a lot more as this weekend progresses. He just can't wait for Rami to get here, he’s already starting to feel himself get anxious, his hands shaking when he’s standing too still. Of course, Josh isn't an idiot he’d thought ahead too, Rami wouldn't be here until way past 7pm so he has a small bag in his pocket for when he _really_ needs it.

Brendon claps his hands and then uses them as a megaphone to tell everyone that he’s gonna leave the backdoor of the cabin unlocked for anyone who pussies out of living the full on camping aesthetic. He doesn’t give them a tour of the house, he doesn't think it’s necessary seeing how if he hadn't mentioned it, they wouldn't even know the cabin of his existed.

Everyone considers this, a look of _that's true_ settling on all their faces. Josh kicks his camping gear (that they all unloaded) and for the first time notices the stupid name peaking through his ripped jeans.

“So I'm guessing we’ll be two per tent, right?” Brendon is saying. “We’ll just go more into the woods and start setting up in this clearing in the middle.”

When everyone stares at him without moving, he rolls his eyes. He walks over to Josh and picks up the gear with an annoyed sigh.

“Just follow me.”

He walks them through the woods, the changing colours of the leaves blowing in the wind, some of them falling off the branches and Josh can't help but think about how beautiful this is. The leaves are dying, falling to their deaths and Josh thinks it's beautiful and it’s not only him, it's everyone around him. All of them are glancing around in awe, so why is it so much more terrible when _he_ thinks about dying? He takes a deep breath, trying to force his negative thoughts out of his head for the day even though he knows it never works, it doesn't hurt to try.

This is one of his many, many flaws. He chooses to battle his demons alone because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with the shit he has to deal with and he knows Brendon hates it. He wants to be able to help him, but Josh won't let him in.

He knows the solution to his problem, though. If he could just get away from the group long enough, he could make all these feelings disappear until Rami gets here.

The meadow Brendon brings them to is huge and will definitely work for a bonfire and setting up their tents. It wasn't even that far from the house, maybe a good 5 minute walk away, though the trees obscured the view of it.

They all get to building their tents, helping each other and shouting out instructions about how exactly this shit is supposed to be built and Brendon, Pete and Alex disappear to go get the food and other stuff from the van. Josh could just slip away, hide behind a tree and just-

“Hey,” Patrick says and Josh nearly jumps out of his skin, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. He lifts a hand to wipe it.

“Hey.” He nods, acting unphased and going back to failing at building his tent. When it falls miserably back down on the ground, Josh just stares at it with a _why_ expression.

“You want some help?” Patrick points at the mess on the ground. “I’m good at this stuff.”

“Sure.” Josh agrees thankfully, following Patrick's instructions and building the tent. If he hadn't come to help him, Josh is sure he would have probably burned the entire field down. Everyone’s a bit of a pyromaniac deep down, right?

Josh reaches into his bag - knocked over next to the tent now - and pulls out his pack of cigarettes.

Patrick excuses himself to go help Debby and Ashley with their tent too and Josh just stares ahead at nothing. He lights his cig and brings it to his lips, wondering for the millionth time how fucked up this whole thing is. When he’s done, he drops his cig to the ground and steps on it, taking his phone out to distract himself and noticing he has no service.

“Josh!” Brendon calls to him, dropping the bags (and beer) he brought from the car and as he nears him Josh starts waving his phone around. “We’re sharing a tent right?”

“Uh, no.” Josh replies, turning quickly in hopes of getting reception. He doesn’t. “I’m sharing with Rami.”

“You...what? He’s not even here.” Brendon replies confused. When Josh looks at him, he can see him trying to figure out this equation in his head.

“I invited him,” Josh says slowly. “He had to visit family first, but he’s coming later.”

“Who am I supposed to share with?” Brendon demands, his face a mask of betrayal like he couldn't believe that Josh would do this to him. _Tough_.

“I don’t know. Ryan?” Josh suggest, looking back at his phone. “He needs a tent buddy.”

“That's like,” Brendon shakes his head, annoyed. “Like you sharing with Tyler!”

Josh snorts.

“I fucking hate you sometimes.” Brendon snaps before turning and storming away from him and toward Ryan who glances up at Brendon approaching him with an apprehensive look on his face.

He gives up on his phone and tosses it on his bag, not like anyone here would steal the piece of shit. They’d have no way of leaving anyway.

“Dude, give me my phone back!” He hears Tyler say and he turns around in the direction his distressed voice comes from. Oh, the irony of this situation isn't lost on Josh and he feels a small smile tugging at his lips.

Tyler is reaching forward while Alex holds the phone away from him, snickering. it’s almost comedic watching Tyler move forward and for Alex to shove a hand on his chest to push him away again.

“Dude, just share with the class what you're writing in your notes.” Alex mocks then calls for everyone's attention.

“No... no, stop. Come on, man!” Tyler tries and Josh feels bad for him. He wants to march over to Alex and punch him and tell him not to take things that aren't his, but then he remembers that Tyler doesn't care about him and his well-being so why should he care about his?

Alex clears his throat dramatically and Tyler pushes him angrily, a glare on his face and a yell about to burst out of his throat.

“I know where you stand, silent in the trees,” Alex recites. “And that’s where I am, silent in the trees.”

“Stop!” Tyler goes to kick him and Josh notices the healing cuts on his nose and cheekbones. Alex just moves away with a laugh.

“Why won't you speak? Where I happen to be, silent in the trees, standing cowardly.” Alex continues, moving closer to Josh and Tyler stops, locking eyes with him and heaving a breath.

The look chills Josh’s blood, but he can't look away, he doesn't _want_ to look away.

“I can feel your breath, I can feel my death,” Alex pauses, glancing up warily at Tyler before noticing the stare off going on and going back to reading. “I want to know you, I want to see, I want to say-”

“ _Hello_.” Tyler finishes for him softly, the word directed right at Josh. He sees the vulnerability on his face and he can't take it.

He turns around, angry tears prickling his eyes as he stalks deeper into the forest away from the others. Tyler had no right, no _right_ to feel that way, to _look_ at him that way or to even write lyrics like that and direct them at him when he does nothing but make Josh feel worthless, like he doesn't fucking matter. Tyler had even told him as much and Josh couldn’t- He just _couldn’t_.

He reaches into his pocket, taking out the bag. He needs to stop feeling this way right now, he thought he’d be okay, but that was far from the truth. He tried to pretend, he tried to not rely on it because Brendon asked him to, but he needs it like he needs air.

He dumps the contents of the bag on the back of his hand, lining it up with his finger, but before he gets the chance to lift it up to his nose, his hand is knocked out of the way and he’s tackled to the ground.

“I ask you to stay sober for one fucking day and you can't?” Brendon growls when Josh yells for him to let him go, shoving against his chest. “What the fuck, Josh!”

“It’s fucking Tyler, okay?” Josh tells him desperately, looking around to see if he can scavenge any of the coke, _any_. “I came on this trip because you wanted me to, I just needed something to take the edge off. I’m sorry okay, I _know_ I messed up!”

“Don’t pull that shit with me, drop the goddamn _act_.” Brendon seethes as he gets off him, pulling him to his feet by his hands and keeping a hold of him, gripping them tightly. Josh can't focus, he can't bring himself to care about Brendon’s words when he needs his fix.

“You know lots about that don't you Brendon?” Josh narrows his eyes at his friend, trying to pull away from him and Brendon lets him go, his face going from disbelief to angry in seconds.

“Don’t put this on me, you're the one who can't go a day without this shit.”

“Fuck off.” Josh shoves past him looking at the ground and Brendon sees what he’s looking at so he covers over it with mud. Josh knows he shouldn’t, but he chooses to be petty. “Really? You _really_ think I was going to dive nose first into the ground?”

“I wouldn't be surprised!” Brendon waves at him, motioning to how he's acting.

“I just need to catch a break!” Josh hisses, doing a 360 turn with his arms open in a grand gesture. “This was _your_ idea. If Tyler wasn't here I’d be fine.”

“You think I'm that stupid?” Brendon straight up laughs and Josh clenches his jaw. After all this time, Josh is pretty sure this is the first real fight he’s ever had with him. “You’re addicted.”

“Okay, so what?” Josh snaps. “I'm addicted to something that makes me feel better about myself, _so fucking what_ _?_ ”

Josh is shaking, his mind all over the place now and he doesn't have anything to stop it, he has to deal with it. This is all Brendon’s fault, if he hadn't followed him, he’d be fucking fine.

Brendon sighs, pulling out a lighter and a joint from his jacket pocket like he’d read Josh’s mind. Josh could cry from relief and when he moves forward to grab it and light it, Brendon moves it away from him.

“We’re going to have a serious talk about this when we get home.” He warns and Josh rolls his eyes.

“Oh yeah? Why not have it now?”

“I want you to be completely sober.” Brendon states, voice dangerously calm as he shoves everything into Josh’s hands before knocking his shoulder roughly with his own and walking away.

 _As always_ , Josh thinks bitterly. _I’m alone. What else is new?_

 

\---

 

It turns out everyone's a fucking idiot.

Nobody had thought about food and Josh and Brendon’s nachos could only feed them (spoiler alert: they weren't sharing) so the only option was to starve to save the camping aesthetic or order food. The latter won and Brendon had shook his head, already annoyed and pissy because of Josh and stormed away, saying they all better pay him back for the pizza.

He ordered like, 10 large boxes. They all paid Brendon back, albeit they rolled their eyes at him when he walked back with all of those boxes, looking like one of those fucking video game characters about to topple over and bam, game over.

Brendon was avoiding him too, choosing to sit next to Pete and Patrick instead of him and Josh thinks that's fair. He deserves the cold shoulder after lying constantly to him, but now he was sitting alone eating pizza like the fucking introvert he is and he can feel people staring at him wondering why.

He sort of wants to cry and maybe this is him being over emotional because duh, he’s stoned, but then again maybe it was him being the first man to experience pms’ing.

It was not fun. He will never make a girl pms’ing joke again. He was already a feminist before but now he was like, _extra_ feminist.

Tyler and Jenna are sitting to the side of him, but Josh is ignoring them, ignoring Tyler’s laugh that sounds stupidly melodic and focuses on biting into his cheesy pizza instead.

“So, hear me out,” Debby sits on the other side of him suddenly, pizza in her hand and the other holding up a finger up in emphasis. “Ten was the best doctor on Doctor Who.”

Josh instantly perks up because yes _aliens_.

“I very much disagree with you on that one Deb,” He shakes his head. “Eleven totally killed it.”

“Okay, but David Tennant’s acting in Doomsday had me crying,” She counters, biting into her pizza and Josh gasps.

“We _do not_ talk about that episode, Tenrose deserved better, dammit.” He sniffs in mock sadness, then adds. “But come on, the Rings of Akhaten. That speech delivery by Matt Smith was so powerful.”

“Ten’s last line was better.”

“Was not.”

“Was to!”

“You’re such a child.” Josh pouts and she laughs. “Here’s one, favourite companion?”

“Oh, good one,” Debby hums and Josh finishes his pizza with a curious look. “Probably the great Donna Noble.”

“That’s a good one,” Josh admits when he swallows his food. “I’d say River, but she isn't _really_ a companion so I’ll go with Amy and Rory.”

“You hopeless romantic!” She laughs again and he joins her when she punches him in the arm.

They continue talking until the sun starts to set and Debby tells him she has a cat back at home that she named the doctor and Josh instantly regrets letting Tyler name his cat.

Josh stretches out his leg because it’s starting to cramp and since God hates him and wants to see him lose his mind when things are going well, Jenna spots his stupid tattoo.

“Is that a tattoo of Tyler’s name on your leg?”

Josh turns and looks past her at Tyler who looks like he wants the ground to swallow him whole. He puts on his best sickly-sweet smile and nods.

“Oh yes,” Josh says wistfully, patting his knee. “Tyler even has mine on his leg. I'm sure you've seen it by now, huh?” He winks at her suggestively.

“Uh, no.” Jenna stutters and looks at Tyler for confirmation. He doesn't open his mouth, but the sheepish look on his face gives him away.

“ _Eternal friendship and like, love and shit_.” Josh repeats those stupid, toxic words and Tyler winces.

“That’s nice.” Jenna says, but before Josh can answer with something snarky, Brendon speaks up and gets everyone’s attention.

“As you can all see, it’s dark out.” He’s using his phone to cast a spooky light on him. “Let’s play hide and seek.”

A few seconds of silence and then everyone is shouting “not it!” at the same time. Brendon points at Tyler.

“Sorry man, you're too slow.” He says and multiple sighs of relief are heard. “Anyway, I've got glowsticks here so whenever you get found, just break it so people hiding know you're caught.”

“Brendon, the walkies.” Josh remembers and Brendon snaps his fingers, handing the bag of glowsticks to Ryan to pass around.

Brendon gets back with the 4 walkies (which Josh had set up on the same station in the car) and grins. “Alright, it’s like 7:15ish right now and I think we should play ‘til like, 8:30. Is that good?”

He’s met with nods of agreement from the entire group.

“Cool. Everyone should bring their phones just to make sure of the time but like, don't give yourself away.” Brendon shrugs and looks at the walkies. “When the game is over we should have 4 people on these for, I don't know, just for fun. Who wants one, besides me?”

He ends up giving the other three to Ashley, Patrick and Ryan, the other three most responsible people around. Well played, Urie. Well played.

Josh is the last person to take a glowstick from the bag and when he does, he throws the rest on the ground uselessly. Brendon tells Tyler to cover his eyes - which he groans at - and to count to 100, no cheating or he’ll quote unquote karate chop him in the neck.

Tyler covers his eyes and turns his back toward everyone and all hell breaks loose. They all started running like madmen into the darkness of the trees, giggles and squeals of surprise falling into the air and Josh feels himself smile too.

He’s running left, away from the direction everyone else supposedly went and gets hit in the rib by a tree branch. He moves more branches away, some of them snapping loudly beneath his feet and he starts panicking when he knows he’s running out of time, so he just ducks down, leaning against the dark end of the tree hoping he’s camouflaged.

It’s quiet for a while, the only sound he hears is his breathing and this weird shifting. He doesn't know where that sound is coming from, so he just assumes it's like a bird or squirrel. Maybe a bear _would_ maul his face today.

Delightful thoughts with Josh Dun; his new podcast, honestly.

Then he hears a fucking snap coming from above him and by the time he looks up to see Brendon falling, he’s already landed on top of him, the tree branch wedged uncomfortably between them. A groan of pain escapes them both and Josh thinks he’s dead.

“What the _fuck_ , I’m dead.” He wheezes, shoving weakly at Brendon’s arm. This was not delightful in the slightest.

“Shut up, I broke my fucking face!” Brendon groans again, refusing to get off him in fear of him actually breaking something. “Are there any scratches?”

“Get off me, you fuck.” Josh snaps and Brendon does, rolling off of him and slumping against the tree. “How’d you even get up there?”

“You can't just ruin a masterpiece like my _face_ and be calm about it. And with my awesome skills.” Brendon says back, just as heatedly right as they hear someone approaching.

Brendon’s eyes widen and he crawls away to the darker side of the tree where Josh was hiding, leaving him in plain sight with nowhere to go. He grits his teeth together when he hears Tyler’s whoop of delight.

“Finally!” Tyler touches his arm to prove that he’s out of the game and when Josh turns the murder glare on him, he drops his hand. “Sorry.”

Brendon shouldn't even be allowed in the game with that cheap move. He cheated Josh into losing and he deserves to feel his pain because fuck you, he’s competitive and he’s supposed to _win_ , not be the first one out.

“Brendon’s hiding behind that tree.”

“ _Traitor_ _!_ ” Brendon shouts angrily, exposing himself from his hiding spot and Josh’s eyes are used to the darkness now, so he can tell his fists are clenched.

“Calm down, Kylo Ren.” Josh shoots back and Brendon just snaps his glowstick shaking it and holding it out like an orange lightsaber.

“Yeah? I’ll _show_ you the dark side.” Brendon steps forward as Josh mimics him, shaking his blue glowstick out.

He makes the mistake of trying to twirl the glowstick like a lightsaber and basically drops it to the ground while Brendon charges him. For the second time that day Josh is tackled to the ground and both times the wind is knocked out of him and he's almost positive his back is bruised. Does Brendon falling on him from the tree count? Make it three times.

“Jesus, _again_ _?_ ” Josh groans painfully and Tyler laughs behind him. “You shut up, Tyler.”

Brendon gets off him and helps Josh up. Josh doesn't say thank you.

“Okay, well, I have to go find other people.” Tyler says awkwardly before disappearing into the darkness.

“Head back?” Brendon suggests, tilting his head and Josh rolls his eyes, picking up his glowstick.

“You're speaking to me again?” Josh starts walking, answering Brendon’s question.

“I guess.”

“You guess?” Josh shoves Brendon away from him. “Douchebag.”

“Fuckass.”

“Punk.”

“Jerk.”

They don't say anything more than that, but the silence is familiar. They've done this type of silence so many times and it’s companionable silence, not I’m-ignoring-you silence like before.

When they get back to the clearing, Josh sees a silhouette of another person there. Did Tyler catch someone else? Even he’d have to admit that’s impressive, even though Josh lost because Brendon’s an idiot.

As they get closer, the hooded figure becomes more and more noticeable and Josh feels his throat catch and his heartbeat accelerate.

“Rami.” He calls by way of greeting and Brendon just glares at him.

“Hey, sorry I'm so late. Complications.” Rami says, shining the light from his phone so they can see each other better.

“How’d you find our setup?” Brendon asks rudely and Josh elbows him again. He just shoves Josh’s arm away.

“Well, it’s not really rocket science.” Rami admits, shrugging one shoulder. “I got to your house and no one was there or in the backyard so I figured there's a forest here, they're probably in that.”

Brendon falters. “Fine, I'll give you that one.”

“Don’t mind Brendon, he’s just mad he lost the game.” Josh assures Rami, grabbing his hand.

“Figured as much.” Rami grins pulling Josh closer and leaning up to kiss his cheek.

“You made me lose last time I checked.” Brendon’s voice sounds grumpy, but Josh is too busy trying not to blush and smile like an idiot.

“You cheated.”

Brendon mocks him and walks away, probably back to ignoring him again and Josh leans down to lay his head on Rami’s shoulder. The light from Rami’s phone illuminates his neck and Josh can't help but lean close to kiss it.

“How was your visit with your parents?” Josh asks softly, wrapping an arm around Rami’s waist. The boy in his arms stiffens and Josh pulls back concerned.

“It was fine. Long. You know how families can get.” Josh can tell the laugh Rami lets out after that is forced because he’s perfected the fake laugh ages ago.

“Yeah.” Josh nods, but doesn't pry any other information from him. He feels Rami relax as soon as he knows the topic’s been dropped.

More and more people start showing up in the clearing and Josh can hear Brendon and Ryan talking over the walkies, ending their sentences with _over_ like the losers they are. Brendon should thank him for making them share a tent and evidently led them to be friends again. He hears Patrick telling them to shut up and Ashley jokingly telling him no one heard him because he didn't add the word over at the end.

When everyone is back, Patrick starts setting up the wood and bark for a fire and everyone disperses into their groups, talking in hushed tones. Josh is glad he has Rami with him now, his hand tightly in his, instead of being alone again with no one to talk to.

“Hi, you're new!” Jenna says to Rami, a smile on her face. “I’m Jenna.”

Josh grips his hand tighter and Rami looks up at him before smiling back at her. “Rami. It’s nice to meet you.”

She reaches out to shake his hand and when he bring hers up to his lips, placing a kiss to her knuckles, she starts giggling. Josh glares at her and it's only then that he notices Tyler glaring at Rami.

Oh, this was going to be a disaster.

When Rami extends his hand toward him and reintroduces himself Tyler just stares at it and Josh feels his heart stutter in his chest. He couldn't be jealous could he?

“Tyler.” Tyler replies and grabs his hand in a firm shake and then Jenna is chattering away about something or other, but Josh can't focus, his mind going into overdrive until he hears Tyler again. “You a friend of Josh’s?”

“That’s none of your-” Josh starts to say at the same time Rami replies with a warm, “Yeah.”

They both look at each other, Josh with a blank look and Rami with one of confusion, but he just shrugs it off and continues talking with Jenna, Tyler butting in to add something every few minutes.

Josh is silent, staring off to where Brendon and Patrick are throwing wood in a pile and he wishes he could walk up to them. He hates having Brendon be upset with him, he never wanted this to happen. This was always the first step; first he fucks up big time and then Brendon tells him he wants nothing to do with him. The thought hurts and he physically winces, his eyes widening in fear.

That’s not going to happen, he tries to remind himself. Brendon loves him too much to leave him. His eyes follow his best friend as he lights a match and tosses it down, watching as one bark lights up, followed by another and another. When Josh sees Brendon’s face illuminated by the fire, he looks like a kid who just shoplifted chocolate and got away with it. Josh has seen Brendon’s face when he’s stolen something and it’s the exact same one he’s pulling right now.

“Woooo!” Brendon cheers at the flames, high fiving Patrick. “Bonfire, baby!”

Brendon and Patrick had set up logs a safe distance away from the fire so they could all sit on and they all gather round. Patrick had brought his guitar and Tyler had surprisingly brought his ukulele so there was no doubt the two roommates had encouraged each other to bring them.

Josh is seated next to Rami and Debby, Ashley sat closest to Debby then it was Gerard and Frank to the side of her. Tyler, Jenna, Patrick and Pete sat across from Josh, the fire lighting up their faces and Brendon and Ryan sat alone on their own log across Ashley, Gerard and Frank.

“Hell yeah, Jesus retreat!” Brendon says and everyone laughs a little, soft guitar tunes being heard.

Patrick strums the guitar expertly, his fingers holding down on all the right chords and Josh smiles at the happy melody.

“And Christ be insideeee me, Christ get deep inside meeee,” Brendon sings out raspily, bringing a hand to his chest with passion. “Put your _love_ inside me, _shove it all up inside me_ _!_ ”

Ryan bursts into laughter next to him and the smug smile it brings to Brendon’s face makes Josh laugh.

“Dude did you just make a gay pun involving God?” Jack asks, a mixture of offence and not knowing exactly if he should be offended on his face.

“Maybe,” Brendon whistles a tune to the rhythm of the guitar before adding, “You got a problem with gays, my guy?”

Brendon’s voice may sound light and carefree, but Josh hears the sharpness of his words, the knife that's ready to get stabbed in someone's back if they answer wrongly. Brendon would make sure he twists the knife and laughs as he pulls it out too.

Jack just shrugs and Josh almost shoves his face into his hands because Brendon saw the opportunity now.

“You don't know? Or you're too scared to answer because you know you're a piece of shit?” Brendon’s voice is still light in the air, but nobody speaks up to defend their friend and it makes Josh angry. What kind of friendship was that?

“Does it bother you that I want to love a man? Or better yet, stick my dick into dude’s asses?” Brendon laughs, throwing an arm around Ryan's shoulders whose smile is just as menacing.

“You know what yeah, I think it’s gross.” Jack snaps, aiming a glare at him and Alex nods, backing him. Josh is growing agitated.

“Gross?” Brendon turns to Ryan, mock hurt. “They think us being in love is gross, baby.”

Ryan gasps, playing along. “The tragedy! We should become super hetero to please them.”

“The bible said being gay is a sin.” Jenna pipes up suddenly and everyone looks at her. Patrick had long stopped playing guitar next to her and the glare Pete shot her could kill her on the spot.

“The bible said God loves all his children,” Brendon points out, a glare of his own aimed at her now. “Regardless of what gender they choose to love, what they identify as, etc.”

“I agree with you,” Gerard speaks up, looking at Brendon with a knowing look. “But let’s change the topic, okay?”

“Yeah,” Frank nods, smiling at Tyler. “Play us some ukulele, man.”

Brendon laughs at that looking over at Tyler, the fight forgotten for now. Jenna tells him to sing too and Tyler looks like he’d rather be anywhere in the world right now but here.

_You and me both, pal._

Tyler grabs his uke, looking white as a sheet and about to be sick at any second. It’s clear he’s not used to performing around an audience and when he looks up across the fire at Josh, he sees him relax slightly.

He starts strumming, the sounds of the ukulele so different than those of the guitar, but still just as beautiful to Josh's ears. Tyler knows how to play; the rhythm and sound slow and sweet and when he opens his mouth, Josh’s heart stops for a second he’s sure.

“ _Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you_.” Tyler looks right at Josh and he feels his cheeks heat up, swearing to himself it was just the fire.

“ _Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?_ ” Tyler bites his lip before slowing down. “ _Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so we go, some things are meant to be_.”

Tyler’s voice gets louder as the chorus comes and he's still looking at Josh, but that makes no sense, he can't be looking at him. Josh was imagining things again, he was hallucinating and he needs his fix. That’s it, it has to be the only explanation.

“ _Take my hand, take my whole life too, ‘cause I can't help falling in love with you_.”

When Tyler finishes the song, everyone claps for him, cheers leaving their lips too. Tyler just ducks his head down, nodding and blushing at their praise and Josh leans his head on Rami’s shoulder with a sigh.

“I need a drink.” Rami laughs and looks toward Brendon.

“You're not going to drink during a retreat to find God!” Jenna blurts out, a look of disbelief on her face. “God is supposed to help you.”

“God can help me? Is that what God does? He _helps_?” Rami says suddenly and everyone goes silent, the only sounds being heard are the cackling of the flames. “Tell me, why didn't God help my innocent friend who died for no reason while the guilty roam free?”

He stares Jenna down for a few seconds and when she doesn't reply he nods.

“Okay, fine. Forget the one offs. How about the countless wars declared in His name?” Rami points up to the sky before leaning forward. “Okay, _fine_. Let’s skip the random, meaningless murder for a second, shall we? How about the racist, sexist, phobia soup we’ve all been drowning in because of Him?”

Rami leans back, crossing his arms and Josh is sure he’s never seen him look so smug. “People think their worship’s some key to happiness. That’s just how He owns you. Even _I’m_ not crazy enough to believe that distortion of reality.”

Josh holds his breath when Rami looks at everyone around the bonfire, letting out a small chuckle before a smirk settles itself on his lips.

“So _fuck God_. He’s not a good enough scapegoat for me.” He gets up, Josh looking up at him in surprise, just like everyone else whose jaws are on the ground. “I’m going to take a walk to cool down.”

Then he disappears in the forest, the group staring at his disappearing figure before Brendon whistles and startles them all.

“Well that sure was something,” He gets up and walks to his tent and pulls out a pack of beer, followed by the rest of the cases. “I’m gonna need a drink after that.”

“You actually brought alcohol here?” Jenna fumes, stomping toward him angrily. “You told me you were serious!”

“Yeah, no, that was bullshit. First rule is to never trust an actor.” Brendon shrugs, grabbing a can.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Lots of things, sweetheart.” Brendon grins, tapping his chin. “Want a list?”

Then he’s handing a drink to everyone, saving Josh for last. He walks up to him smiling, the beer can he's holding in his hand extended toward him and Josh takes it because he needs the distraction. Brendon takes out a switchblade from his pocket and Alex and Jack yell out a _dude!_ before Josh is grinning at their naivety.

“Shotgun.” Brendon grins back as he stabs his can and tosses Josh the knife to do the same. He does and soon the two are racing to finish downing the drink, some of it falling down their chins and neck and to their jacket.

When he’s done first, Josh crushes the can victoriously, leaning in to kiss the pout off Brendon’s lost face, but he’s being pulled by the arm in a direction away from him. He notices Debby’s blonde hair and grins even wider when she grabs two more cans. Someone was playing music from their phone, but Josh couldn't tell whose it was coming from.

“You officially a drinker?” Josh laughs, snapping the one she’d given him open.

“Might as well start now!” She says happily, downing the drink, her face twisting up in disgust.

“I’m gonna make a rebel of you yet,” Josh brings the can to his mouth, tilting it back and letting the liquid flow down to his stomach, hoping it will calm down his frantic body from begging for something else other than alcohol.

They dance together, Josh twirling and dipping her as she giggles and continues drinking. Josh can't remember the last time he’d seen her smiling like this at him and it makes his insides light up like a wildfire.

She’s gripping onto his hand and he holds her hand back just as tightly, a promise that he’d take care of her if anything were to happen and then he makes the mistake of looking away from her face. His eyes land on Tyler, but Tyler has his back to him and he’s got Jenna backed up into a tree and by the way her hands are around his neck, Josh can tell exactly what they’re doing.

“Let’s like, get away from these assholes.” He tugs on Debby’s hand lightly and she nods frantically, following him into the forest. The further into the forest they got, the more self-aware Josh became and his hands start to shake anxiously. Debby grips his hand tighter.

“You know, I was seeing this guy a few months ago, when college had started,” Debby fills the silence, her voice higher than usual. “He was cool, he was a lot like you. Tattoos and like, he played guitar and dyed his hair weird colours. Not that your hair is weird!” She adds quickly and Josh can't help but chuckle.

“Didn't work out?” Josh’s voice comes out shaky and uncertain. He doesn't want to upset her, even though she was the one who brought it up.

“Nope, turns out he was uninterested.” She trips on a branch and Josh catches her by the shoulders. When she looks up, their eyes lock and neither of them can look away.

“You’re great, Debby.” Josh whispers over to her, her eyes softening at his words. “He doesn't know what he’s missing.”

Before Josh can realize what she’s doing, she’s already kissing him and catching him off guard. He makes a noise of surprise before his eyes are slipping shut and he goes to kiss her back.

“Oh shit,” She pulls away, frowning. “I’m sorry, Josh.”

He shakes his head to stop her from apologizing and leans his head back down, catching her lips with his. She doesn't waste time throwing her arms around his neck and playing with the hair at his nape. He tilts his head, deepening the kiss and running his tongue along her lower lip.

Josh hasn’t kissed a girl since, well, high school. Coincidentally Debby was the last girl he _did_ kiss and kissing her again now was weird, sure, but it was also familiar. He remembers how soft her lips were and she still wears that strawberry lipbalm she always used to wear. His hands are resting on her waist and when he pulls away and starts kissing down her neck, she gasps softly and it’s such a pretty sound, Josh remembers it from way back when.

He stops wasting time and soon enough, clothes are shed and they're leaning on a tree kissing again, lubed up condom already rolled on and when Josh leans away, the cold clings to both their skin.

“Forest sex?” Josh laughs, trying to get his mind clear of what he wants. He doesn't know where Rami is and this feels like what he needs to do to get his mind to feel blank.

“It’s a fantasy of mine.” Debby jokes and Josh drops his head on her shoulder, biting it teasingly before leaning away and asking her if this is okay. She rolls her eyes and just lifts her leg, wrapping it around his waist and pulling him closer.

He groans and slips into her and that's the exact moment he knows he’s fucked, that he’s made a huge mistake and he’s dug himself into a hole that he doesn't know how he’ll get out of. Josh is _gay_ , girls never did do anything for him, but he hadn't realized he’d been thinking of soft brown eyes and a wide dimpled grin and chest tattoos this entire time.

Tyler was taking over his mind no matter how fucking hard he tried and him thrusting into this girl did not make things better. It made things fucking worse and there was only one way he knew how to fix it and get rid of the thoughts in his head.

He pulls out of her suddenly, ripping off the condom and grabbing his boxers from where they'd tossed their clothes. He shoves on his jeans next and his shirt, socks, shoes and he feels his anxiety skyrocketing.

This wasn't good, this _wasn't_ good. What was he thinking?

“Josh, what are you doing?” Debby sounds so upset and it breaks his heart.

“Debby,” He says carefully, shrugging on his jacket and then picking up her clothes to give them to her. “I'm gay.”

And then she starts crying, putting on her clothes with the tears flowing on her cheeks and Josh tries to comfort her, but she just tells him to leave her alone and how is he any better than Tyler? He just did the same exact thing to this poor girl.

“Do you need help getting back?” Josh stutters, breath coming in too fast and she glares at him now, fully dressed.

“Go the fuck away!”

Josh nods and runs back to the clearing, tripping over his own feet and he’s pretty sure he’s got scratches all over his face. He hears the music playing and he looks around frantically for Rami, but he’s still not back and god dammit where the fuck was he when Josh needs him?

He goes up to Brendon instead, who was leaning forward and kissing Ryan’s neck. What was it with people fucking against trees? It’s cold out, were they all fucked in the head? Josh may be going crazy, but what’s everyone else’s excuse?

“Brendon, um, I need to talk to you.” Josh tells him, voice desperate and he wills himself to try and calm down.

“I’m a little busy.” Brendon goes back to biting at Ryan’s collarbone and Josh thought these two were over. He doesn’t know what to think of anything anymore.

“I just had sex with Debby.” He blurts out and Brendon pulls away from Ryan faster than he thought was possible.

“You did what?” He says confused and slightly slurred.

“I mean, I didn't like, finish but I was you know, inside her and then I freaked out and-”

“ _What_ _?_ ” A new voice adds and when Josh turns to see Tyler, he honestly considers death as the only viable option for himself.

Brendon looks between the two curiously and then grabs Ryan’s arm, moving away from Josh.

“You two can talk.”

“No don’t leave,” Josh begs but Brendon just gives him a look and walks away. He should just fling himself into the fire and put himself out of his misery.

“Why would you do that?” Tyler says, voice hurt and Josh faces him with a confused look. Maybe he could just play dumb.

“Do what?”

“That thing you told Brendon.” He gets out, gesturing helplessly at him.

“What thing?” Josh tilts his head, eyes wide.

“Why would you fuck Debby?” Tyler finally snaps, his patience wearing thin.

“Why do you care who I fuck, Ty? I’m nothing but a warm mouth to you.” Josh spits out, a newfound fury in his eyes.

“I thought you were gay.” Tyler says instead, ignoring his question.

“I’m king of the gays,” Josh growls, stepping forward. “I managed to fuck you, _straight boy_.”

“I- that’s got nothing to do with this!” Tyler stutters, watching Josh continue getting closer.

“Yeah? I guess it shouldn't bother you that I'm fucking my dealer, too. And-”

“Stop!” Tyler covers his ears and groans. When he’s sure Josh is done, he moves a hand to the junction between Josh’s shoulder and neck. “Josh, I miss you.”

Josh recoils as if he’d been burned. “You miss me? Is that right? What makes you think I miss a little faggot like you?”

Tyler’s head jerks back, dropping his hand and Josh grins triumphantly. He wants to hurt him, wants to break him down and make him feel the pain he’s feeling. The voice at the back of his mind cheers him on, encourages him to continue even.

“What the fuck did you just call me?”

“You heard me.” Josh feels Tyler’s hands grabbing onto his jacket and he laughs. “You going to hit me again?”

Tyler lets go as quickly as he grabbed on and Josh can see tears welling up in his eyes. Good, he should fucking cry.

“If you actually miss me,” Josh points to where everyone else is, laughing and dancing. “You’ll kiss me in front of all of them and prove it to me.”

“I can't do that!” Tyler shouts as if Josh should _know_ this.

“Then fuck you, Tyler.” Josh snaps, starting to walk away. Tyler grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“My parents saw this video of us kissing and my dad hit me when I told him I was gay.” Tyler says in a span of a breath and it’s hard for Josh to catch everything he’s saying. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Fuck you!” Josh shouts, yanking himself free. “You think I care about your pity story _now_ _?_ Join the fucking club!”

“Josh please, I never-”

“You never wanted to hurt me,” Josh scoffs and Tyler’s cheeks are wet. “Guess what, you _did_ hurt me. And it hurts like a goddamn bitch everyday, but you know what? My life is better without you.”

Josh lies and he continues lying, watching Tyler’s face twist in pain and desperation until he’s the one walking away and leaving him a mess. It’s good payback, he thinks, he can live with it. He doesn’t want Tyler in his life, he wants to forget about him and everything he’s done to him.

He takes a deep breath and walks away from Tyler, from whatever he’d been saying and tries not to feel guilty. He doesn't want to feel any remorse for hurting him, he deserves every last bit of it. Josh spots Rami talking with the group and walks over to them, trying to control his emotions.

“I moved here from New York,” Rami is explaining, a can of beer in his hand. “But I’m of Egyptian descent.”

“So you're like an Egyptian king.” Ashley slurs, making the rest of them giggle and Rami laughs.

“Hi Josh!” Pete waves and Josh waves back, his fingers trembling and he could tell everyone notices it by the way they glance down at his fingers (which he’s playing with to try and distract himself). Rami grabs his hand and runs his thumb over his knuckles soothingly and Josh wants to cry.

“Are you anxious, buddy?” Patrick smiles drunkenly and Josh nods, looking over at Rami.

“We’ll be right back.” Rami assures them and pulls Josh along with him as he retreats from everyone and goes in the direction of the house.

Josh hears Ashley gushing about how cute it is that Rami is trying to calm him down from a panic attack and he wishes that were the case. Rami was about to help him not lose his fucking mind and he was going to make him feel _better_ and that's all he needs right now.

He knows he's crying when they reach the house because Rami grabs his face in his hands and runs his thumbs over his cheeks, whispering sweet nothings to him.

“Please, just make it stop.” Josh begs, leaning his head on the wall. He doesn't bother looking around the room, but his face lights up when Rami pulls out a bag filled with coke from his hoodie pocket.

“I’ll take care of you.” Rami tells him and Josh nods, grabbing the bag and going to the bathroom. He looks into the drawers for a razor and when he finds one, he takes out the blade as quickly as he can before walking back out toward the kitchen.

Rami is already waiting for him there, gesturing toward the counter and Josh understands the command. He dumps some of the powder on the counter and separates it into 3 lines with the blade, glancing up at Rami for a split second. He just nods at him and his approval is all he needs to lean down and start snorting the lines.

As soon as it’s in his veins, his body explodes with the feeling of euphoria and his mind stops altogether. He feels so good, he doesn't understand why Brendon wants him to stop this and make him suffer.

“Want me to fuck you against the wall? Or against the counter?” Josh says with a new burst of confidence. He smirks when Rami’s face flushes and his eyes go dark.

“You can fuck me on the floor and I wouldn't give a shit.” He tells him, walking forward until he’s looking up at him.

Josh leans down and kisses him and now this feels right, not like when he was kissing Debby earlier. He feels like himself again and he loves it, he can't get enough of it because as soon as the high is gone he knows he’ll lose himself and he hates that. He doesn’t want that feeling to come and Rami can tell.

“Fuck me and I'll let you do three more lines.” Rami pecks his lips again and Josh feels himself tugging his jacket off without much grace and Rami laughs.

He fucks him with the promise of more coke hanging in the air and the pleasure of forgetting the way it hurts to feel any emotion at all.

 

 ---

 

It shouldn't surprise him that when he and Rami are dressed and he’s done cleaning the mess in the house, Brendon finds them making out on the porch.

It also shouldn't surprise him that Tyler is tagging along with Brendon, which to Josh is a little weird because didn't Brendon hate him for what he did to him?

“Why is he with you?” Josh moans into Rami’s shoulder as he runs a hand through his hair.

“Why are you with him?” Brendon retorts and oh no, he’s angry, why is Brendon angry with him?

“Because I like him.” Josh answers truthfully, pulling away from Rami and he sees Brendon roll his eyes.

“How high are you?”

Rami stands and pulls Josh up with him, moving closer to Brendon and getting up in his face.

“You need to stop babying him,” He hisses and Josh just smiles because his boy is defending him. “He’s a fucking adult who can do what he wants.”

Josh feels himself being tugged away and when he realizes he’s near Rami’s car, excitement blooms in his chest. Anything that takes him away from here is a blessing. Rami opens the door for him like a gentleman and Josh can practically feel the smile on his face.

Before he could get in, Brendon grabs his hand.

“Don’t go, Josh.” He tells him and Josh tilts his head.

“Why?”

“I need you here, with me.” Brendon sighs and looks toward the forest as if to emphasize his point.

“You have Tyler.” Josh nods at him and he sees Brendon frown.

“I don't care about Tyler, man.” Brendon insists, pulling him closer but Josh doesn't budge, just looks down at their hands and back at Brendon.

“B, if you love me,” His tongue feels heavy in his mouth, but the words are out before he can stop them. “Let me go.”

Brendon drops his hand instantly, the shift of emotions on his face not even phasing Josh at this point. He just smiles and slips into the car, slamming the door shut.

“What did you give him this time?” Brendon turns to Rami who’s leaning against the car smugly.

“Sorry, but that’s none of your business.” He goes to walk toward the driver's side and Tyler steps in front of him.

“You’re ruining his life.”

“I think you might have already done that for me,” Rami laughs when Tyler flinches. “I don’t know what you did man, but you really fucked him up.”

“Shut up, you don't know shit!” Tyler moves forward and Rami pushes against his chest.

“Back off, buddy.” He glares and then they all hear a soft painless moan from the car. “Now if you'll excuse me, someone has to take care of Josh’s needs since nobody else is.”

The look he sent Tyler was venomous and the smile matched it, sharp enough to cut an unexpected hole in his heart.

Before they know it, the car is backing out and away from them and Brendon yells in frustration, tugging at his hair roughly.

“Hey, it's okay.” Tyler tries to comfort him and Brendon just scoffs, shaking his head.

“That's your definition of okay?”

“No, but I know you and Josh are close enough to get through this.” Tyler amends going to pat Brendon on the shoulder.

“Don't touch me, Tyler.” Brendon says harshly and Tyler drops his hand. “You’ve caused enough fucking problems.”

Brendons storms away, walking back into the forest toward their camping spot and leaving Tyler to whisper another sorry to the empty air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's so beautiful, just look at it:
> 
> https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14713757_338645729828580_8226666786552168953_n.jpg?oh=e6b3c922b581747e3dc9a1a65d45712a&oe=588AE500


	15. My whole existence is flawed (you get me closer to God)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: mentions of wanting to commit suicide and minor mention of self harm. None of it is in detail but stay safe, friends.
> 
> [edit] Alright, so, I've gotten this comment/reaction twice, so fair share of warning there is a rough dub-con sex scene in this. I didn't see it as such, but again, stay safe while reading y'all!! I don't want any of you guys to be triggered or anything. Love ya!

Sunday nights are especially grim.

  
_Tomorrow will be better_ , Tyler thinks, begs, chants to a God for it to be true. _Tomorrow will be better. Please let tomorrow be better._

  
The ride back to campus that morning had been a nightmare, completely silent, devoid of any conversations at all. Tyler felt as though he was suffocating, air not finding it’s way to his lungs quick enough and making him gasp for air.

  
No one said a thing. No one _cared_.

  
It was as though everyone was absorbed in their own world and Tyler was grateful, bringing a knee up to his chest and hugging it, wondering what Josh was doing.

  
As he stares up at his ceiling with Patrick's lack of snores making the room eerily quiet, Tyler can't help but think the same thing.

  
What was Josh doing? Was he sleeping? Was he talking with Brendon next door? Was he with that Rami guy?

  
Tyler glares upward for a second before turning onto his side with a sigh. There was something about Rami that didn't sit well with him; he was attractive, sure, he could see why Josh likes him, but it shouldn't work that well. It was weird.

  
His life was weird.

  
He just wants to cuddle Josh. And tell him he loves him, but he wasn't going to keep their relationship a secret, he couldn't do that to Josh again, so he’ll suffer and watch him be with other people, pretending his heart isn't breaking each time.

  
This mess was his fault, but it doesn't mean he doesn't regret it. Josh was right; his pity story didn't mean shit, in fact he’s surprised Josh hadn't hit him for even trying to explain the situation like Brendon had.

  
He thinks about how badly he wants to cuddle his cat right now, too. Or Josh’s cat, technically. Donnie wasn't his anymore and he almost laughs at the irony. Good old Donnie, named after his favourite movie of all time. When he first watched Donnie Darko, he couldn't believe how badly he could relate to the fucked up stuff and that was before his life went even more to shit.

  
The scene where he tells his doctor that every single creature dies alone and that he doesn't want to be alone echoes inside his mind now, thinking about how that was exactly his case at the moment. He’d die alone or with a life he doesn't want. Which one was worse? He couldn't choose.

  
Tyler tosses himself to the other side of the bed restlessly, wishing he was high. His nerves were shot and the demons in his head cursed him out and all he wants is to _sleep_.

  
With one last sigh, he pushes his covers off and walks over to his desk and opens the small lamp. A shine of light lit his work space and he pulls out his song book, turning to a blank page.

  
Lately it seems all that calms Tyler’s frantic mind is writing. It’s as though his mind chants _write, write, write_ as a defence mechanism when his thoughts get dark and make him feel like he has nothing to offer to the world. That, or he starts snapping the rubber band on his wrist. It wasn’t often, it was just to stop himself from going to the alternative.

  
His stomach turns over at the thought of pressing a blade to his stomach and watching himself bleed, but he just shakes it off, snapping the band once, twice, _three_ times and breathes deeply. He ignores the red lines forming on his wrist, focusing on the fact he’d read how this method helps a lot when temptation strikes. So far it’d been working for him so who was he to complain?

  
He reaches for a pen with shaking fingers, staring at the page before his mind shoots ideas off, inspiration filling his every thought.

  
_There was a moment in my life  
Where I thought that you were gone  
And every moment of my life  
Was just us pretending  
So..._

  
Tyler shifts, reaching for his phone at the corner of the desk; he doesn't sleep with it next to him anymore. He figures at least if it's this far away, he’ll force himself out of bed to close his alarm and end up going to class. He’d learned that keeping it next to him had only stopped him from doing so and proceeded to get his English professor to send him an email concerning his absences.

  
4:05am flashed back up at him, the picture of him and Jenna he set as his background mocking him. He puts the phone back down.

  
_I go to sleep every night  
I should be good at it by now  
But very lonely is tonight  
And time stands still  
So now I try to picture you with all the kingdom I can't find_

  
Would Josh like the type of lyrics he writes? They’re not typical love songs, not the average happy go lucky tunes he normally hears, but maybe Josh would like it, the diversity of it. Tyler remembers Josh's face twisting up in disgust when Alex had read out his draft of a stupid song he’d titled _Trees_ and cringes. Maybe if they weren't in the situation they were in, Josh wouldn't be so disgusted with him.

  
_Fight and grab eternity with this little mind  
I think I saw the kingdom get this feeling I must keep  
Walking closer crack the door  
And then I fall asleep_

_  
Because every time I think I see your face  
It fades away  
And turns to grey  
Then I pray you save the day_

  
Tyler feels his body physically aching to go back to bed, but he forces himself to keep his eyes open. It’s funny how much he finds himself wrapped up in thoughts about Josh, absorbed in the memories of the two of them, happy, reminiscing.

  
Only the problem was Tyler had broken Josh’s heart, there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Tyler wants to respect that decision, he really does, but even now with sleep clouding his thoughts, he can't help but worry for the boy he's so helplessly - and catastrophically - in love with. He’d been high off something when he left the cabin and Brendon had been really worried too so that wasn't easing his anxiety at all. He wishes he could have helped more, could have said something to make him stay, but Josh hadn't even glanced his way.

  
What would he even say to him if he saw him again? Tyler didn't even deserve the time of day. Maybe he’d start by apologizing. Maybe he’d awkwardly blurt out how he wanted to go to Taco Bell with him. The latter sounds like it would go over better than the former; Josh had seemed pretty pissed when Tyler tried apologizing already. This was a thought that would plague his mind, make everything out to be worse than what it is because that’s what his head is good at these days.

  
_Anyhow I just pray that someone hears me now.  
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
I just pray that someone hears me now._

  
What is he praying for exactly? He doesn't know. What does he want them to hear? He doesn't know that either. Maybe this is his version of a cry for help, only he’s the only person who’s ever going to see it. He doesn't think he can sing it, even now in the safe confines of his bedroom, not when he’s convinced he sucks. Unless he got over his fears of rejection and went and sat himself down at a piano in a music room and played for everyone else to critique him. Played until his fingers were numb and his throat was wrecked from yelling and begging for help within metaphors and similes and nonsense verses. Would anyone see the broken boy beneath his perfectly fine persona?

  
It seems that Tyler has more and more questions he keeps asking himself with no answers to comfort him.

  
Tyler feels his eyes twitching so he sets the pen down, closing the notebook and shutting off the lamp before stumbling over to his bed. He gets comfortable in his covers, his mind just buzzing incoherently as he closes his eyes.

  
The words echoe and bang around in his brain for a while, but soon enough sleep overtakes his tired mind and he lets it.

  
\---

  
Tyler startles awake to the sound of knocking on his door rather than to the ugly repetition of his phone's alarm. He stumbles over to his desk, seeing the flash of 7:35 glaring right at him. He clicks the screen shut to get rid of the brightness and hears another knock.

  
Did Patrick forget his key? He had told Tyler he was staying with Pete for the night and spending Thanksgiving with him, so why was he back here? He doesn't think he can handle anymore relationship drama. Hell, he couldn't handle his _own_ relationship drama.

  
He swings the door open and his breath catches in his throat, the air refusing to circulate to his lungs.

  
Josh is leaning against the doorframe, watching him with an expressionless face as if he was bored and just passing by for something to liven up his morning. His hair is covered by a grey beanie and his army green jacket looks way too big on him while his jeans cling to his legs tightly. Tyler breathes deeply through his nose and stares back, trying to ignore his shaking fingers on the door and the nerves running through his veins.

  
“Tyler.” Josh breaks the silence and it's like electricity pulsing through his body, bringing him back to life.

  
“Josh.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat. “Do you- Do you want to come inside?”

  
“Look at you showing your manners. Proud of you.” Josh replies sarcastically, pushing his way into the room.

  
Tyler closes the door and presses his back against it, watching Josh circulate the room, eyes narrowed, speculating, like he’s never been here before. He stops at his desk, looking at the black notebook before abandoning it and locking his eyes with Tyler.

  
Whatever reason Josh has for coming here doesn't matter to Tyler. This was like God was giving him a _third_ \- maybe fourth - chance at making things right with him and Tyler wasn't going to waste it.

  
“Can we talk?” Tyler starts and Josh raises an eyebrow.

  
“I just came here to stare at you actually.”

  
“I was serious at the bonfire, I really miss you—”

  
“Oh please, tell me more.”

  
“—And I'm worried about you.” Tyler keeps his eyes on Josh's as he walks back up to him, close enough that he could see the gleam of Josh’s nose ring in the darkness of the room.

  
He opens the light next to him, Josh’s face hardly changing at the brightness, his chocolate eyes harsh compared to the soft fondness that usually coated them whenever he looked at Tyler. He winces, his sleep-lacking mind cursing at the sudden stab of light to his eyes.

  
“Why are you worried about me?” Josh asks, but it comes out more of a purr and Tyler almost melts into it, into Josh.

  
“I mean, I hurt you and then at the bonfire you seemed really off and when you left Brendon seemed really worried too, so it isn't just me, but I guess what I'm trying to say is Josh, I care about y—”

  
Tyler’s ramblings are cut off by Josh smacking his lips against his own, teeth knocking together at the rough connection. Josh moves his lips and Tyler wants to get lost in the kiss, but Josh pulls away from him before he can deepen it further.

  
“Don't you dare tell me you care.” Josh growls, pinning Tyler to the door with his hips. One of his hands moves to rest on the door, next to Tyler’s face.

  
“I _do_ care.” Tyler says vehemently and swallows at the glare Josh is giving him.

  
“You see Ty-boy, I have sources that contradict that. In fact,” Josh smirks, menacing and full of cockiness. “A little birdy told me some things earlier that came as quite a shock to me. Earth shattering news, really.”

  
“What is it?” Tyler presses, watching Josh’s gaze slip down to his neck, feigning shyness and almost mocking Tyler for a second.

  
Josh grins and leans up so that his lips are brushing the shell of Tyler’s ear, the whisk of air making him hold back a shiver.

  
“Are you listening, Ty?” He whispers theatrically and Tyler barely nods. “Good. They told me that they saw a boy with a pattern of Roman numerals on his bicep and a boy with bright red hair and an accent leaving this party together.” Josh bites Tyler’s ear before pulling away. Tyler feels like he can't breathe and it must show on his face because Josh laughs, loud and genuine. “ _Kissing_ each other might I add.”

  
Tyler tries to clear his head, ignoring the voice at the back of his mind shouting _I told you so_ tauntingly, singing it as though he deserves this. His breath comes out shallow, his vision blurring at the edges when he accepts the fact he does.

  
“You know what's really funny to me, baby? I know people who fit _both_ those descriptions.” Josh’s hand near his face moves to his arm, gripping it tight and showing the bible verse disguised as Roman numerals.

  
“No. No.” Tyler shakes his head, almost pleadingly.

  
“Ah, good old John 16:33 throwing you under the bus,” Josh hums, moving his hand to trace a pattern on Tyler's cheek. “Have you overcome the world, Tyler? Found peace in my sloppy seconds? Did Michael fuck you as good as I did?”

  
“Josh, I didn't, it was before I— I—” Tyler searches for the right word, but can't find it. Josh beats him to it.

  
“You what? You realized how much of a little slut you are?”

  
_Before I realized I was gay and in love with you!_ Tyler wants to shout at him so the point would get lodged in his head so hard he’d never forget it. Tyler can't say that though, the fear of his father hitting him again and again once he finds out - he _always_ finds out - stuck in his own head.

  
“I was drunk.” Tyler pleads instead, eyes begging for Josh to understand.

  
“As if that's an excuse.” Josh rolls his eyes, leaning in closer until their breaths are mingling together. “You fucked him while you were still with me.”

  
And the words hit Tyler like a tonne of bricks because Josh sounds sad. For the first time since he got here, he looks like the Josh he left behind and it crushes him, the thought of Josh hurting straining at his heart.

  
“It was an accident.”

  
“Yeah, you accidentally fell on his dick, I get it.” Josh scoffs and he’s back to smirking up at him. “Since you act like such a slut, maybe I should treat you like one, huh?”

  
Josh leans in and steals a kiss, a quick peck to Tyler’s lips and he closes his eyes, trying to shift off the arousal. Tyler shouldn't be turned on in a situation like this.

  
Lips attach to his neck and Tyler’s mouth opens in a sigh, his body reacting before his mind has time to register it. He pushes his hips into Josh’s, opening his eyes quickly when Josh grabs his jaw.

  
“Eager, aren't you?” Josh’s voice is like silk on his skin and Tyler’s knees almost buckle. “Do you miss being fucked, _Tyler?_ ”

  
And it’s the way Josh spits out his name, with the hate surrounding it that breaks Tyler and makes him want to go back in time and change everything.

  
“Yeah- Yes, please just do something, Josh please.” Tyler begs and Josh's grip tightens on his face. “Fuck me daddy, _please_.”

  
The word slips out and before Tyler has anytime to think about how weird it is, he sees Josh's pupils blow up, almost making his eyes look black as he starts rutting his hips against Tyler’s. He feels himself growing harder, the friction and constraint from his jeans making him whimper.

  
“This is what's going to happen,” Josh tells him, nipping at his jaw, his light stubble burning Tyler’s skin. Josh pulls away, eyes dark. “You're going to get on your knees and let me fuck your mouth.”

  
Tyler opens his mouth to sass Josh and tell him he wants his dick in his ass not his mouth, but Josh covers his mouth with his hand.

  
“Then I'm going to fuck you and oh Tyler, you've got yourself in a mess.” Josh’s voice is low, almost a growl. “I'm not even going to prep you, you don't fucking deserve it. I'm going to fuck you so hard you won't remember your name, not because of how good it'll feel or anything, no. It’ll be because of how dry the entire thing will be and how I'm going to use you, just like what you were doing to me all this time. Let’s see if you can handle it when it’s you, _slut_.”

  
Josh manoeuvres them so that he’s pressed against the door and his hands are on Tyler’s shoulders, pushing him down on his knees roughly. Tyler complies, knees hitting the ground and doesn't so much as make a sound at the ache, just lifts his hands and begins fumbling with the button of Josh's jeans.

  
He slips them off Josh’s legs and when he sees the tent in his boxers, the excitement forms in his chest and rushes down to his own dick. Tyler notices the messy handwriting of his name above Josh’s knee and he looks up at Josh, mouth almost watering as the boy above him shrugs off his jacket, letting it fall against the floor. He keeps his grey sweater on and Tyler can't even form a coherent way to complain about it, not when Josh’s fingers are lacing themselves in his hair and tugging.

  
“What are you waiting for? I don't have all day.” Josh hisses and Tyler hooks his fingers in the waistband of his boxers, slipping them down with ease and watching his dick rest up against his clothed stomach.

  
Tyler feels it in the pit of his stomach that something is off with Josh, he’s not acting like himself at all but that, his brain supplies helpfully, could just be his anger towards him. Tyler wasn't going to be let off the hook that easily, he knows that and if letting Josh get his aggression out on him was the answer to how Tyler could help Josh find the way to forgive him then so be it.

  
Tyler licks his palm before grabbing Josh’s dick and pumping it a couple of times, watching Josh close his eyes at the feeling. It’s funny that Tyler is the one on his knees; if it wasn't for this, he would be praying. Praying for forgiveness, praying for help, praying for God’s _understanding_ , praying, praying, praying.

  
So that’s what he does when he wraps his lips around Josh’s dick, jaw going slack at the new weight in his mouth. He prays and he hopes that somehow, someway, this will help him repent for his sins.

  
Then he feels Josh's fingers tightening at the back of his head and pushing, pushing, pushing until Tyler was gagging on him, choked noises falling from his lips as he tries to breathe. His hands grip onto Josh’s thighs, his nails digging into them while Josh just thrusts into his mouth, hitting the back of Tyler’s throat.

  
Tyler feels the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes and before he knows it, they're falling onto his cheeks as he draws blood on Josh’s thighs. Josh has never done anything like this before, usually he let Tyler take the lead and let him do what he wanted but this, this was new. Tyler didn't like it, but every time he tried to pull off and tell Josh he’d just tighten his grip, delicious moans falling from his lips.

  
He relishes in them; Tyler continues praying and seeing Josh’s face twisted up in pleasure was enough for him to just slacken his jaw more and try and ease up his throat for him. He’d do anything to make it up to Josh, no matter what it was.

  
“I trusted you,” Josh moans above him, pushing at the back of Tyler’s head. “I fucking trusted you so much.”

  
He repeats it and Tyler’s crying for entirely different reasons now, he’s crying because he betrayed Josh completely and left him a shattering mess of himself. His father may have hit him, but he did the same amount of emotional damage on Josh so what kind of person does that make him? He’s no better than his piece of shit dad.

  
Josh pulls Tyler off of him, a string of spit and precome following him and Tyler quickly lifted his hand to wipe it. He looks up at Josh, who takes him by the shoulders and heaves him up. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought Josh was checking up on him to see if he was okay, dried tears still on his red face, lips swollen and knees aching.

  
“Get naked.” Josh says instead, any politeness that would have been on his face completely gone when he looks into Tyler’s eyes, unwavering.

  
Tyler does, removing each article of clothing as efficiently as he could while keeping his eyes on Josh, who was smiling sadly now, tears blossoming in his own eyes.

  
“God, I fucking hate you, man,” Josh laughs, bringing a hand to his face and shaking his head. “I hate you so much. So damn much.”

  
“I’m sorry.” Tyler whispers, keeping his hands by his sides. If Josh wants him to touch him he’d tell him.

  
“No you're not,” Josh looks him up and down. “You're really not. And that's okay, because now I'm going to fuck you and you're going to take it, right?”

  
“Right.” He nods and Tyler’s consent is all Josh needs before he’s pushing him against the door roughly, his stomach and dick pressing flush against it.

  
Tyler didn't know what to expect when Josh said no prepping, he surely didn't think that meant he wouldn't lube himself up or shove any fingers in him before shoving himself inside of him, but clearly that was exactly what he meant. Tyler grips at the door and finds nothing to latch on to, biting his lip so hard he tastes the blood in his mouth as a new bout of tears leaves his eyes. It hurts so much, but he’s grateful that Josh is easing into it instead of tearing his ass apart.

  
Josh moves and Tyler gasps, clenching around him and when he hears Josh’s groan behind him, he can't help but sob. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. Josh wasn't supposed to be hate fucking him right now, he was supposed to be in love with him and treating him like, like… like he would his boyfriend.

  
But that's not what Tyler was or ever will be, so he continues crying, the pain and his emotions and his head getting the best of him.

  
“It hurts,” Tyler moans, his forehead hitting the door. “Fuck, it hurts Josh, it _hurts_.”

  
“ _Good_.” Josh spits back and Tyler arches his back, wishing Josh would push his head to the side and kiss him until he forgets the pain and gets lost in him.

  
Josh doesn't do any of that, instead he starts picking up his pace and Tyler digs his nails into his own arm before replacing it with his teeth to stop himself from outright screaming. Whatever Josh needs, his brain is chanting, this is for Josh. And Tyler would do anything for Josh, including this.

  
Tyler thinks about using their safe word, thinks about shouting it and letting Josh know how bad this felt to him, but he couldn't. It felt like he was mute, voice gone and unable to find itself because this is still for Josh. Josh, the boy with the soft mocha eyes that made his insides feel all warm and fuzzy and Josh who always made him laugh and feel on top of the world. Josh was mad at him now, but he’ll continue trying to get his forgiveness and earn his trust back.

  
Until he moans out a name that was definitely not his and shatters Tyler’s heart into so many pieces he’s sure nobody else will ever be able to pick them up and fix it for him.

  
“Get off me.” Tyler’s voice breaks no matter how hard he tries to sound angry. He’s not angry at all; he’s tired. Tired of everything his life is throwing at him.

  
However angry Josh is with him, he understands the concept and the intensity of the words, pulling out of him and earning a pained hiss from Tyler before moving to gather his clothes, putting them on like he hadn't just done what he did.

  
“Why come to me when you want to be with him?” Tyler cries, sounding like an absolute wreck even to his own ears.

  
“Well Tyler sometimes, as you may know, people don't care about each other when they fuck,” Josh replies, slipping his legs into his jeans and buttoning them. “Excuse me for thinking of someone other than you.”

  
“I care about you though, I care about you, Josh.” Tyler reminds him and repeats it over and over, but Josh doesn't seem to hear him or is completely ignoring him as he swings the door open and leaves.

  
Tyler buries his face in his hands and slips down to the floor, crying at the pain and the loss in his heart all over again.

  
\---

  
Josh is coming down from a high, stumbling around outside and lifting his hand up to rub under his runny nose.

  
He’d been walking around for a while and now that his high was wearing off he’s starting to regret ever going to see Tyler. He doesn't know why he decided to go see him in the first place; it’s like something in him snapped when Rami fell asleep and he _had_ to do it. So he slipped out under Rami’s grasp and found himself in front of Tyler’s dorm, climbing the stairs to be face to face with his door.

  
It used to be his dorm too, but after that bonfire and how he treated Brendon, he doesn't think he can go there for a while. Brendon probably didn't even want to see him, seeing as he hasn't shot him a text since last night. He might as well have a ‘NOT WELCOME’ sign above their door in neon lights for him.

  
Besides, it’s not like it was a big deal. Josh wasn’t significant to any of these people. He was just another somebody they pitied and became friends with to not be alone during school, he was as unimportant as it got. And now he was addicted to drugs! Such a great person to want to hang around.

  
Sarcasm. It wasn't lost on Josh.

  
He brings his hands up to his temples, trying to rid himself of the migraine blooming. This was the worst part about his addiction; the pain that follows it. His body feels like it’s about to shut down and fall apart while his mind begs for it to keep walking.

  
To top it off, his mind made him remember how crushed Tyler looked when he left him and his heart physically aches. It hurts inside his chest and he wonders why the fuck he’s hurting over this, it's not like Tyler cared when it was him crying on the floor.

  
But Josh wasn't Tyler and he did care. He wanted to send him an I’m sorry text or a goddamn apology note in the fucking mail. He sniffles and walks back into Rami’s frat, waving to a kid who addresses him by name.

  
That’s the thing too, all of these frat bros knew him now. They knew him as the dude fucking the dealer on the third floor, that's so sick dude, hook us up, huh? And honestly, Josh hates it. He hates that he's associated with this. He hates that he’s dependant on it.

  
And yet he doesn't stop. For some sick, fucked up reason it makes him feel some sort a validation every time he uses it. Every line he takes gives him some sort of purpose again and how could that be bad when it made him feel good?

  
It makes him into a person he wishes he could be when he's not on it. Confident and ready to take on whatever the world throws at him without a problem. Right now, as plain old coming-down-from-a-high Josh, he’s neither of those things and it hurts deep down to his core.

  
He walks up to room 3F and opens the door as quietly as he could, having left it unlocked when he slipped out earlier. When he looks over to the bed and sees Rami scrolling through his phone, he feels even worse.

  
He takes off his shoes and throws his jacket across a chair lying around, going over to the bed and getting in. He curls up against Rami, bringing up his hand (now with his grey sweater pulled over his palm slightly) to wipe his nose. Neither of them say anything, hardly acknowledging each other as Josh’s paranoid and fast breathing fills the room. He closes his eyes, trying to force himself to sleep off everything about the day, trying to forget it ever happened, but it doesn't work. It never works.

  
Josh hasn't slept more than 3 hours in what feels like years.

  
“I want to kill myself.” He tells Rami suddenly, blurting it out as though it’s supposed to mean something to the boy next to him.

  
“Josh?” Rami asks tentatively, abandoning his phone and turning on his side. Josh can't see him because his eyes are squeezed shut, but he can feel him shifting in his direction.

  
“I want to die. I want to be dead,” Josh explains, not really looking for sympathy, but just wanting to let someone know how he really feels for once. “I don't want to be alive anymore. I have nothing to offer the world, but more and more fuck ups. What kind of life is that?”

  
“I think it’s a life of storytelling,” Rami replies, brushing his fingertips along Josh’s cheek. “I think it's a life of adventure and once you live through this and you have kids and they have grandkids you'll have a lot to tell them and teach them.”

  
“Why would they want to hear anything about my pathetic life?” Josh opens his eyes and sees the sincerity on Rami’s face.

  
“Because you're you,” He says, like it’s that simple. “You’re Josh Dun and you're someone who's strong and can do whatever he sets his mind to, including staying alive and giving hope to all the people who care about you.” He pauses, bringing his hand to rest at the crook of Josh’s neck. “You're cared for a lot you know that right?”

  
Josh stays quiet, simply staring at Rami. He knows he’s expecting him to answer so he just shrugs because he doesn't know. He wants to argue that he isn't, that his life is just a burden on so many people, but he can't. Saying it out loud would be admitting the truth and he doesn't think he’s ready for that yet.

  
“Josh, trust me, every single one of your friends, including me, cares about you and want what's best for you,” Rami sighs. “Brendon especially. He’d die for you if he could without a second thought. If that’s not the most ride or die thing ever then I don't know what is.”

  
Josh smiles despite himself before he realizes that Brendon probably hates him now and that's not the case anymore.

  
“Do you have anything I can smoke in here?” Josh says instead, averting the topic. He doesn't want to continue talking about how he wants to die; he’d already said too much. _Dumb_ , Josh chides himself. He shouldn't have mentioned it at all.

  
Rami nods, reaching over to a tossed up black hoodie at the foot of the bed and rummaging in the pockets of it until he comes out with a joint and a lighter. This boy always comes prepared. Josh guesses it comes with being a dealer and all.

  
He watches Rami bring it to his lips, lighting it and blowing out the smoke before he hands it to Josh. They go on passing the joint to one another quietly until they’re both relaxed and Josh is clinging onto him, his migraine a dull ache at the back of his mind now while Rami plays with his hair.

  
“What’s the deal with you and Tyler?” Rami feels Josh stiffen and he tries to soothe him by tugging lightly at his hair. “I mean, what happened exactly?”

  
“He broke my heart.” Josh deadpans, pulling away from Rami to put an arm behind his head.

  
“And?” Rami presses and Josh side eyes him before sighing. He might as well tell someone the full story.

  
“Tyler was my best friend ever since we were six. It’s like, we were inseparable no matter how hard anyone tried, you know?” Josh starts and he already feels the heavy weight pressing down on his chest, threatening to crush him. “Then high school came around and I started to notice guys differently. I started to learn things about myself that weren't exactly smiled upon from my family or his family or, or anyone in that school really. I was 15 years old when I knew I was gay, but I started dating this girl, Debby, just so I could ignore it because I thought… I thought hey, I’m not gay until I act on it, right?”

  
Josh gives a bitter laugh. “I was miserable because I was in love with Tyler. Whenever we hung out he would make me play super smash bros melee with him and whenever he won he’d shout ‘in your face, Joshie!’ with the biggest grin on his face and my heart would fucking stop in my chest and I just _knew_. It terrified me so fucking much.”

  
“And then whenever we’d cuddle while watching movies or… or hugged goodbye it felt as though I was being ripped apart. Like something inside of me was just dragging me toward him and telling me that I _needed_ to tell him. So I did, I told him I was in love with him hoping that he’d feel the same because how could he not? I thought that maybe he looked at me the same way I looked at him when he wasn't looking.”

  
Josh blinks, a small smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. He looks over at Rami, who’s looking at him intently, mesmerized. “He didn't feel the same. He told me I’d burn in hell and then told his parents who forced him to stop being friends with me. He didn't seem to mind one bit. So I fucking lost it, I went to this party and slept with the first boy interested and my girlfriend at the time caught me.”

  
“That didn't help the situation at all, she didn't even want to hear my side of the story so I went home and swallowed a bunch of pills; the first ones I could find. I didn't even fucking read the label for the stupid Prozac pills my dumbass dad took for his OCD.”

  
Rami grabs Josh’s hand, rubbing his thumb along his knuckles soothingly, waiting for him to continue. Josh took a few deep breaths.

  
“My mom found me unconscious and called an ambulance. I'm very lucky they said,” Josh snorts in disbelief. “But I couldn't take it. I begged my mom to let me switch schools, that it isn't good for me, that I was being bullied. She took pity on me and let me transfer as long as I went to see someone, a psychiatrist or something. It was a good compromise so I took it. On my second day at this new school I had a panic attack so bad I hid in this alleyway hoping a fucking murderer would find me and kill me or something.”

  
“Brendon found me instead and ever since then he’s been like a guardian angel. He makes things feel a little less shitty than what they are.” Josh shakes his head. “Besides the point. I came out to my parents, my dad didn't take it well, whatever. Fast forward to college and would ya look at that? Fate gave me a room right next to Tyler.”

  
Rami smiles ruefully. “Some kind of sick joke.”

  
“No kidding.” Josh laughs, squeezing Rami’s hand. “We started fucking as a game and whoever fell in love first was the loser. Clearly I lost because how could I not fall in love with him again? Everything about him just makes my heart beat faster and my mind turn to mush and just-” Josh sighs again, frustrated. “He broke my heart again, told me he'd never love me. And now he's trying to tell me he's gay and he never meant to hurt me, but I don't care.”

  
“But isn't that a good thing? That he’s finally admitting it to himself?” Rami whispers, lacing together their fingers.

  
“I don't want to go through anything with him ever again.” Josh states factually. “He’s why I turned to drugs, you know. When I'm high it's the only thing that makes me forget how much I'm hurting over this. Over _him_.”

  
“These violent delights have violent ends,” Rami tells him quietly, the softness of his tone confusing Josh.

  
“Shakespeare. Nice.” Josh turns his head to gauge his reaction.

  
“You like Shakespeare?” Rami grins slightly, cuddling closer into him.

  
“Brendon loves Shakespeare,” Josh corrects. “I like him by association. I wanted to tattoo a quote from The Tempest on me for the longest time.”

  
“Which one?” Rami asks excitedly, like a kid on Christmas Day.

  
Josh looks him right in the eyes, the redness surrounding Rami’s making him grin triumphantly.

  
“ _Hell is empty and all the devils are here_.”

  
Rami stays quiet for a while after that, the silence surrounding them thick with, not tension, but wonder. Like one of them wants to ask something but is too afraid to go for it. Josh doesn't mind it.

  
“If I had the chance, I wouldn't treat you that way.” Rami whispers, loud enough for Josh to hear and his breath catches.

  
The last thing he wants is a boyfriend. After what he just went through with Tyler, he doesn't want anything to do with committing himself completely to a person but at the same time, Rami was his dealer. Dating him would guarantee him his fix whenever he needed it, free of charge. Well... not free, but if they were dating Josh can stop feeling like a prostitute every time he fucks Rami or blows him.

  
“Well do you want the chance?” Josh voices instead because maybe Rami didn't want to be in a relationship with him and was just stating a simple fact.

  
“Like, be your boyfriend?” Rami’s hopeful, Josh can see it on his face. He’s staring at him with confused eyes, but Josh can see the hidden adoration swimming in them.

  
“Be my boyfriend.” Josh confirms, giving a small nod of his head and Rami laughs.

  
The Egyptian boy rolls over on top of him, straddling his hips and kisses him, long and deep and full of love that Josh isn't used to from him. When they pull away, Rami is smiling.

  
“What’s done is done,” Rami snickers as Josh rolls his eyes.

  
“Shut up with that Shakespeare stuff!” Josh smacks him in the chest playfully and Rami catches his hands, pinning them down on the bed.

  
“Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?” Rami laughs when Josh flips him over, not the slightest bit shocked because Josh is definitely stronger than him.

  
“You done?” Josh tries to put on a serious face and he's sure he fails miserably, aiming for a pout instead.

  
“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?” Rami leans up and wraps his arms around Josh’s neck as he pulls him down with him.

  
Josh groans, but is cut off by Rami kissing him, smack right on the mouth. He lets him, forgetting for a second that he’s using him for his own personal gain and self destruction.

  
When they pull away, the two burst into laughter, enjoying the atmosphere flowing around them before curling up against each other again.

  
Finally, _finally_ , Josh finds himself falling asleep.

  
\---

  
Tyler spends Thanksgiving _and_ his birthday alone.

  
\---

 

  
Brendon is a wreck and quite frankly he’s stressed beyond belief these days. With finals coming up and his relationships and his stupid best friend pulling disappearing acts on him, the boy is about ready to drop dead and then roll around in his damn coffin.

  
First off, his parents had come to get him to bring him home for thanksgiving dinner and Josh was supposed to be with him. Did he show up? No.

  
Brendon gave him the space, after their little fight at the cabin it's the least he could do. It didn't mean he wasn't worrying his fucking head off thinking Josh is dead in a ditch.

  
Thanksgiving passes and Josh still doesn't show and what is Brendon supposed to think now? What do you do when your best friend goes fucking missing? Snow was starting to fall and if Josh is dead in a ditch, they've got to start searching for him before it's too late and the snow covers him.

  
“He’s not dead.” Brendon quietly tells himself as he leaves the library and starts heading back to his room.

  
Okay, maybe it was Brendon’s fault too. Partially. He hasn't texted him since the incident and he doesn't want to be the one to do it. He doesn't _baby_ Josh. He just tries to help him out when he can't really think for himself. So if Josh needs him he can fucking text him.

  
Which he hasn't. Shocker.

  
Maybe this was always a one way friendship and Brendon was the only one who put effort into it.

  
Oh, God. Now he was being delusional and making up theories that don't make sense in the slightest.

  
When Brendon makes it back to his dorm and climbs to his floor, his gaze lingers over at Tyler's door. He knows that that's the last place Josh would be, but it's also a place that Josh _could_ be. It would totally make sense and it doesn't hurt to try.

  
Brendon is knocking on the door before he can stop himself or talk himself out of it. He waits and waits until Tyler answers the door, looking like he’s been through hell and back.

  
“You look like _shit_.” Brendon tells him instead of greeting him normally.

  
“Gee, thanks,” Tyler replies sarcastically. “What do you want, Brendon?”

  
“Have you seen Josh at all?” Brendon doesn't really care if it sounds bad, after all Josh is _missing_.

  
Tyler shifts his gaze to the ground before glancing to the side, lip caught between his teeth as he thought about it. That's not suspicious at all, Brendon thinks. Totally normal.

  
“No,” Tyler looks back at him with a shrug. “I haven't. Sorry.”

  
“Man, for real, even if you just saw him walking around in the distance.” Brendon is pleading with him and if he wasn't so desperate he would kick himself.

  
“I haven't.” Tyler’s voice is final and Brendon sighs, shoulders slumping. “What’s going on with him, dude?”

  
“Oh, everything is totally fine,” Brendon nods quickly. “Except Josh may, sorta, kinda have a cocaine addiction and he’s maybe, sorta, kinda missing.”

  
“Oh.” Tyler states, eyes going wide.

  
“It’s fine! He’s not dead! He’s not dead. He’s not dead, okay?” Brendon can hear his own insanity showing in his voice. “He’s okay. I was just kidding. Ha ha ha, me making jokes, you know.”

  
He starts backing away and reaches for his key in his pocket, but Tyler grabs his arm lightly. He looks up at the ceiling before turning his head to acknowledge Tyler.

  
“Tell me if you see him, okay? I'll keep an eye out, too.”

  
Brendon nods and shoves himself into his room, closing the door with an overwhelming urge to scream. Or break something. Or punch a hole through the wall.

  
What he ends up doing is sleeping.

  
He doesn't see Josh until the next day, ironically.

  
What he wants to do is hug him and tell him he loves him and for him to never do that to him again. Then Josh casts a glance at him studying and doesn't even say a word to him and Brendon’s entire peaceful resolve morphs into anger.

  
He watches as Josh grabs a bunch of his clothes and shoves them in his duffel bag without much thought or attention being brought to the boy across of him. Brendon is suddenly ready to kill him and throw him in a ditch himself.

  
“It’s good to see you when you're not fucked up,” Brendon snaps, getting up and crossing his arms. “I'm actually quite shocked considering that addiction of yours. Why don't you share your coke with me, bro? I thought we were buds.”

  
Josh ignores him and continues shoving things in his bag. This isn't making sense to Brendon, Josh didn't even look slightly bothered by his words.

  
“Where the fuck have you been, huh?” Brendon walks up to him and grabs his arm to stop him from packing. Josh looks at him with a blank face. “Where were you?”

  
“Rami.” Josh replies and that's all he says. No explanation. No remark on how he's sorry for not contacting him and letting him know.

  
“Oh, of _fucking_ course, your fucking _dealer_.” Brendon snarls and lets Josh’s arm go. “Would have been nice if you texted me and let me know you weren't fucking dead. I thought you were dead. Do you understand that? I was going to call the damn cops because I thought you were dead in a ditch. But no, no, you were fucking your dealer for drugs.”

  
“Are you done?” Josh asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

  
“Am I done? You have some nerve, kiddo.” Brendon’s glaring daggers, he can feel it. “You know what? Go on, what do you have to say for yourself?”

  
“Shut the fuck up for once and listen closely,” Josh leans in and Brendon would have been intimidated if it was anyone other than Josh. “Stop blaming Rami for this shit, he’s not forcing anything on me. You understand that right? I’m _asking_ for it. I want it. And he’s not even making me pay for it, because he knows money is tight. So you should be thanking him for helping me out instead of letting me build up a debt and then having his side people beat the shit out of me for it.”

  
Brendon rolls his eyes and goes to speak, to tell him this isn't a movie but Josh narrows his eyes.

  
“Shut _up_.” Josh turns and goes toward the door, opening it. He gives him a side glance. “And just so you know, he’s not just my dealer anymore. He’s my fucking boyfriend.”

  
And then he’s gone again, slamming the door shut in Brendon’s face, the sound of it making his ears ring.

  
Brendon turns to the wall next to him and punches a hole right through it.

  
\---

  
Tyler stares at Brendon’s text and reads it over and over, trying to grasp what it says. For some reason it's not clicking in his head and he debates going next door and demanding an explanation.

  
_josh is just staying with his boyfriend, false alarm._

  
Boyfriend. The word just doesn't sit right with Tyler. How could Josh have supposedly been missing all this time (according to Brendon anyway) and then came and fucked him while he was in a relationship?

  
Tyler senses the irony; that's exactly what he was doing to Jenna, but Josh literally just got into this relationship and he’s willing to throw it all away already? It just made no sense.

  
It made him sad.

  
Josh is addicted to cocaine too. _Cocaine_. That’s not easy shit, that’s like, on Tyler's list of things to never try and Josh is addicted to it. Tyler can't even have a proper reaction to any of this news. He just feels numb.

  
He’s been feeling like this for days, the rubber band not working for him and he finally gave in to the temptation. He wasn't happy with it, but the sting he felt while he did it once had him hooked into doing it a second time and then a third and now his stomach is covered in long, uneven cuts. He’s not proud of it. He feels sick whenever he changes and sees them, but he doesn't throw out the blade because at least it makes him feel some sort of emotion, even if it's pain or sadness or regret after the fact. At the end of the day, he doesn't want to stop.

  
This was his addiction and it was just as bad as Josh’s. He just needs to feel something and this is the way he does.

  
But then he has the wise idea of going to a house party one of Jack’s friends is hosting and gets absolutely shitfaced because he needs to _feel_ something other than the utter desire to die.

  
He stumbles around, Jenna long forgotten in who knows what room and makes his way out of the house and into the garden, snow falling gently onto the ground. He feels like he might throw up and maybe downing all those tequila shots wasn't a good idea. He should have drank that glass of water Patrick was holding out to him instead of laughing in his face and tossing back another shot.

  
Falling onto the cold grass and wincing at the pain on his stomach, he pulls out his phone and starts twirling it between his fingers clumsily with only one person on his mind.

  
How could Josh just come to him and fuck him like that and then have the audacity to have a boyfriend too? What was the point in even coming to him? He wants to know, he needs to know.

  
He’s not alone outside, some people are mingling about, smoking cigs and joints but Tyler just dials Josh’s number and waits for him to answer.

  
When he doesn't and his stupid voicemail beeps ( _hey this is Josh leave me a message and I'll probably get back to you ‘kay thanks bye_ ) he rolls his eyes.

  
“You didn't answer,” Tyler says, completely dumbfounded. “What the _fuck_.”

  
He hiccups and continues talking. “Why did you do that to me, Josh? Like, just why.”

  
“I’m super drunk right now,” He slurs, crossing his legs and shivering. “And I'm cold and I'm confused because what the fuck, Josh. You have a boyfriend. Why would you fuck me when you have a boyfriend?”

  
“I’m so— I’m so confused. I thought we meant something to each other and now I have your stupid name on my leg forever and I hate it. I hate _you_ , I hate you, I hate you, I—”

  
Tyler cuts himself off to breathe out a sigh, more anger flowing through his veins at how played he feels over this entire situation.

  
“I fucking hate Josh Dun,” He says loudly and some people nearby shout _amen_ over to him. Tyler looks over at them, forgetting about the phone his frozen fingers are holding on to for a second. “If any of you ever meet him, tell him Tyler Joseph hates him.”

  
He grips the phone tighter. “Fuck you, Josh. You fucking dick, go shave your fucking mullet.”

  
And with that he hangs up the phone and falls back onto the grass, closing his eyes and praying to God for a better day tomorrow.


	16. You're looking in the wrong place for my love (don't think because you're with me this is real)

He doesn't know when exactly life decided to move on, but it did and Tyler just had to go along with it, depression or not. It’s not like he could just slam on the brakes and force life to stop for him anyway.

  
Finals are coming up before he can be free for holiday break and he honestly cannot wait. He doesn't even care if he fails all his classes at this point, he just sort of wants to stop being so stressed and just _breathe_.

  
The only thing was that he’d have to go back home instead of staying in his shitty room inside that shitty dorm. He’d have to face his parents at some point and avoiding them for thanksgiving and his birthday with the excuse of studying for finals can't really help him when school is out for the semester.

  
He wonders what his parents would do to him if he told them he wanted to drop out of college to pursue music. He shudders at the thought; first he’d have to gain confidence in himself and his abilities before bringing up that conversation.

  
He’s sitting in the dining hall with Jenna, helping her study for her history final and she's just not getting it—which Tyler doesn't blame her for, history sucks—but it’s just as frustrating for him as it is for her.

  
“When did the American civil war happen?” Tyler asks again, holding her notebook in his hands, her cursive writing in blue pen staring back at him.

  
“God, I don't know,” Jenna puts her head in her hands defeatedly. “1860?”

  
“Close,” Tyler gives her a small smile. “April 12th, 1861. When did it end?”

  
“I don't know.” She groans and Tyler wonders if she even paid attention in class as she wrote these things down.

  
“Guess.” Tyler urges, trying to sound encouraging.

  
“Just tell me, Ty.” She says with a sigh and a pleading look turned his way.

  
“You're gonna have to memorize all this you know that, right?” Tyler chuckles at her glare. “I'm just saying I'm not always gonna be there to tell you the answer.”

  
“Well you're here now, wise guy.” Jenna points to her notebook. “Tell me the answer.”

  
“Jeez, ask politely.” Tyler laughs again when she kicks him in the shin under the table. “It ended on May 9th, 1865. Just 4 years. Who was it between?”

  
“Iron Man and Captain America.” Jenna jokes weakly, taking a well needed drink of her coffee.

  
Tyler feels a sudden stab in his heart, the knife being plunged deep and not wanting to be removed.

  
“No,” Tyler forces himself to say without looking as hurt as he suddenly felt. “It was between the United States and the Confederate States. The war was about trying to end slavery and stuff. The Confederate States wanted to continue doing terrible things with the slave industry and the United States were like fuck that and began a war.”

  
“I don't see why I need to learn this anyway,” Jenna grabs the notebook to look through it and Tyler glances around their table at all the other students studying and doing homework.

  
“I mean it’s good to know the background of your country, I guess.” Tyler shrugs and Jenna sets the book down, glancing around the dining hall for any sort of distraction. Her face lights up when she finds one and Tyler raises an eyebrow.

  
“Isn't that Josh?”

  
The knife in his heart twists and he feels the wind get knocked out of him as he turns his stare to where she's looking.

  
Sure enough, there’s Josh, hair dyed blue and fuck him, how does he manage to make every colour look good? Tyler is pretty positive he can dye his hair the colour of the rainbow and it'll look sick.

  
Tyler spots Rami sitting across him and he feels himself frown. There’s Josh's dumb _boyfriend_. They're laughing together and Tyler doesn't know why he’s so damn bitter about it when he had no right to be.

  
“Yeah that's Josh,” He tells her, rolling his eyes to look indifferent. “And his new boyfriend.”

  
“Oh, that's the guy from the bonfire! Rami.” She snaps her fingers and smiles. “We should go sit with them.”

  
“Ha, what?” Tyler looks at her seriously, watching her start to get up from their table. “Jenna, no.”

  
Tyler’s heart is beating too fast and he hears the blood rushing in his ears because he can't face Josh, not like this. Not after what’s happened. Maybe some other time, when Tyler knows what to tell him.

  
“Come on, I know he’s gay and all but Brendon was right, God says to love everybody,” She grabs his hand to pull him out of his seat. He doesn't move, just stares at her. “Besides you two were really close so I think I should give him a chance.”

  
Tyler swallows, gathering his backpack and getting up. His knees feel weak, like he's about to collapse any moment.

  
“You just want to go there so you won't have to study.”

  
Jenna rolls her eyes and walks up to their table, Tyler keeping a safe distance away as he listens to her talk to them.

  
“Hey!” She says cheerily and Josh jumps in his seat, looking over at her confused. Rami just smiles and gives a small wave. “We saw you guys sitting here and we were bored sitting by ourselves so is it cool if we sit together?”

  
“We?” Josh asks and then finally looks past Jenna at Tyler. “Oh.”

  
“Yeah, me and Tyler.” She shrugs and looks at Rami with a _what can you do?_ look. “I was trying to study but I'm so done with it. It’d be cool to have some different company.”

  
Rami looks at Josh with a questioning look and Josh clears his throat, his words breaking as they leave his mouth anyway.

  
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

  
Jenna sat next to Josh, across from Rami which left Tyler no other option that to sit next to Rami, leaving him face to face with Josh.

  
“Hey.” Rami tells him with a nod and Tyler returns it, suddenly wishing he could be alone.

  
Jenna asks Rami how he’s been since the bonfire and the two get launched into a conversation of their own while Tyler just stares at Josh. His throat is so dry and he wants to say something, anything, but the words won't come.

  
“I missed your birthday.” Josh says and Tyler’s eyes widen in surprise.

  
“It’s okay.” He replies, his voice too high to his own ears. He remembers what he did to himself on his birthday and cringes.

  
Josh runs a hand through his blue hair nervously and Tyler feels sick remembering the voicemail he’d left him. When he woke up the following morning, he’d remembered it perfectly and ran over to Patrick to tell him his fuck up. (Patrick. Patrick, wake up. Patrick, how do you delete a voicemail on someone else's phone? Quick, it's for science).

  
“Nice hair.” Tyler tells him and feels his face heating up.

  
“Thanks.”

  
Rami looks over at Josh fidgeting and leans forward, grabbing his hand in his and Tyler just stares. His mind draws a blank and he looks up at Josh, smiling and cheeks turning a light shade of pink and he feels the jealousy possessing him like a fucking demon.

  
He looks at Josh and continues looking until Josh finally snaps out of his trance.

  
“What?” Josh glares over, fingers tightening around Rami’s and Tyler leans his head on his palm, elbow resting on the table.

  
“Nothing, just heard you're addicted to cocaine. What's it like being a cokehead?”

  
“I don't know.” Josh says without missing a beat, eyes locked on his. “How’s hiding in the closet working out for you? Sounds like it’s pretty cramped in there.”

  
“Don't worry about it, I have a pretty big closet.” Tyler snaps, leaning forward and clenching his teeth together.

  
“Hey, Narnia sounds like a great place. I think you're deep enough in there to have reached it.”

  
“Fuck you.”

  
“Wouldn't that be a privilege?” Josh smirks when Tyler huffs out a frustrated sigh.

  
“You okay?” Rami interrupts them and their little battle. Tyler leans back and crosses his arms, jerking his head in a nod.

  
“Fine.”

  
“Can we go? Please?” Josh asks his boyfriend and Rami shrugs, getting up from his seat.

  
Jenna does the same so Tyler takes that as his cue to get up and all of them head in the direction of the door, Jenna hooking her fingers between his own. Clenching his teeth again to bite back his own frustration, he notices that Josh’s entire posture was stiff next to them.

  
Tyler wishes he could hold his hand, fit his delicate pianist fingers between his rough drummer fingers like they were meant to be.

  
Instead of that happening, Rami grabs Josh’s hand with a shy smile.

  
“Hey Josh?” He says and Josh looks over at him, smiling softly. “You look beautiful today.”

  
“Oh.” Josh stutters, face turning absolutely red at the compliment. “Thanks, pretty boy.”

  
Rami laughs, swinging their hands lightly and Tyler’s blood boils within his veins. That should be _him_. Why did he have to ruin the one good thing that happened to him?

  
He can't wait to get back to his room and take out his anger on himself. He deserves it, every single line that'll mark his body will be a reminder of how badly he fucked up.

  
When they exit the building that’s exactly where Tyler goes, forgetting about saying goodbye to Rami and Josh. Jenna gives him an understanding nod and a quick kiss on the cheek when he says he needs to be alone.

  
Maybe one day he’ll have the courage to tell her.

  
\---

  
Brendon knows Josh isn't going to come back home for a while. It’s obvious he has some sort of twisted idea in his head that he created and now he’s avoiding him.

  
It doesn't help that Brendon is hungover beyond belief, having drank himself near alcohol poisoning the night before to help him cope with _college_.

  
Logically, Brendon skips his class and waits outside of Josh’s for him to come out.

  
It’s not his best idea because skipping review lectures can't really end well on Brendon’s part. And who knows if Josh even went to classes anymore? He probably forgot they existed and all his mother's money was going to waste.

  
See, Brendon couldn't let that happen to poor momma Dun, so he takes it upon himself to schedule a therapy appointment for himself and Josh.

  
The therapist is on campus, only a block away from the building Josh’s class is in and Brendon is positive this will help them move past whatever the fuck fight Josh has them in. He misses his best friend and the reality is, this can help him in more than one ways.

  
Josh needs to learn to open up to people and stop bottling his emotions up until he’s turning to drugs and shit. Which is why he’s waiting for him right now, shoulder leaning on the wall and knowing that his prof will dismiss them any second now.

  
When he sees a flock of students exiting the class he instantly straightens up, trying to pick out Josh from the crowd. At first he doesn't recognize him because he dyed his hair fucking _blue_ but he gets to him before he can disappear on him.

  
“Josh, wait!” He calls and Josh turns around confused until he spots Brendon.

  
“Hi?”

  
“I need your help with something real quick,” Brendon tells him with pleading eyes. “The room is around the block.”

  
“Sure, Bren.” Josh tells him, a worried look on his face. “Is it bad?”

  
“No,” Brendon bites his lip and leads the way. “Not bad.”

  
So what if Brendon is manipulating his best friend right now? It’s not like Josh would have hopped up at the chance to go to _therapy_. He probably would have spat in his face and stormed away.

  
They walk in silence toward the building and considering all the shit they've been through, this is kinda a pathetic thing to be fighting about. If they could win medals for being idiots, they'd get no.1 without even trying.

  
“Hi,” A lady says as they walk in. “For—”

  
“Yes!” Brendon cuts her off before she can mention anything about a Dr. Reynolds.

  
She gives him a questioning look but waves them toward the door where their session will take place, telling them it won't be a long wait.

  
“Long wait for what?” Josh asks curiously, a confused look on his face.

  
“We have a therapy appointment.” Brendon tells him, coming clean completely. The disgusted look that forms on Josh’s face before he turns to leave the room makes Brendon grab his arm. “No, you're staying.”

  
“The hell I’m staying,” Josh snaps, pulling his arm away. “Why would you think this is okay? You know therapist's spook me out.”

  
“Oh come on you big baby,” Brendon groans. “You're a grown ass man, speaking about your feelings won't hurt you at all.”

  
“You’re a douchebag, I wish I didn't see you.” Josh growls and okay, yeah, that hurt.

  
“Well shit,” Brendon says quietly. “My feelings are hurt?”

  
“Sorry.”

  
“Suck my dick, you sarcastic piece of shi—” Brendon starts, about to go on a rant when the door opens and in comes the doctor, a startled look on his face.

  
“Oh, I didn't know my 2pms were here,” He says slowly, glancing outside at his receptionist before looking back at them. “Partners?”

  
“Yup that's us, your 2pms.” Brendon says at the same time Josh glares and says, “We’re _not_ partners.”

  
“Have a seat,” The doctor says, not even reacting to their behaviour. They both sit down in the overly padded chairs. “I'm Dr. Reynolds. Now what seems to be the problem?”

  
“There is no problem,” Josh says through gritted teeth and Brendon rolls his eyes.

  
“No problem? Sure, that’s why you're avoiding me like the plague.”

  
“Maybe I wouldn't have to avoid you if you minded your business.” Josh huffs and crosses his arms.

  
“Are you insane?” Brendon says, blunt as can be. He kind of wishes he could smoke a blunt right now to calm his nerves, but whatever.

  
“Alright, so, you guys struggle with communication.” Dr. Reynolds scribbles into his notebook.

  
“Oh don't get me started on that,” Brendon shakes his head, aiming a glare at Josh. “He can't text me back for _shit_ , let alone actually talk to me.”

  
“I text you back all the time, are you high?” Josh sighs and Brendon snaps his fingers.

  
“Are _you_ high? I bet you text your precious Rami back as fast as lightning.”

  
“Oh, go fuck yourself.”

  
“No, you go fuck yourself.” Brendon crosses his arms angrily, looking away from him for a second.

  
“You need to cut the fucking attitude,” Josh uncrosses his arms and leans forward tauntingly. “Jealous isn't a good look on you.”

  
“You think I'm _jealous_?” Brendon asks incredulously. “You're a fucking idiot.”

  
“Okay, lots of fucking going on.” Dr. Reynolds gives them each a look.

  
“You're a great doctor, man,” Josh says slowly, starting to get up. “Thank you very much, but I think we’re done now.”

  
“A relationship is something that requires constant work,” Dr. Reynolds motions him to stay where he is. “It’s something that can't just be tossed aside when things get tough.”

  
“Which is what I thought we learned in high school.” Brendon snarks.

  
“So you _are_ high school sweethearts.” Dr. Reynolds scribbles this down.

  
“Oh, fucking hell.” Josh whispers, shaking his head slightly.

  
“Please continue.” The doctor nods at them and Brendon leans forward in his seat theatrically.

  
“Doc… I just feel like sometimes he isn't even trying anymore,” Brendon sniffs sadly. “Like this isn't even worth saving.”

  
“Oh, okay.” Josh speaks up quickly. “Well sometimes I feel like you want me to be someone I'm not.”

  
“You're so selfish.” Brendon turns to him with a serious expression. Josh was pulling the pity card and it was low.

  
“Alright, given all these strong emotions and feelings,” Dr. Reynolds begins, making them both look at him. “Sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Why don't you hold hands?”

  
“Okay.” Brendon says immediately and Josh closes his eyes.

  
“I'm not doing that.”

  
Brendon wants to call him a petty son of a bitch and holds himself back. He’s acting like he hasn't had his dick up Brendon’s ass at some point and he wants to punch him for it.

  
“Do you see what I go through?” He tells the doctor, pointing at Josh.

  
“Reach out your hand,” The doctor says and Brendon does. Dr. Reynolds looks at Josh expectantly. “He’s literally reaching out for you.”

  
“I’m not doing that.” Josh repeats, looking everywhere but at Brendon.

  
“He won't hold my hand.” Brendon puts on his best sad face, pouting and forcing his eyes to water. God bless acting.

  
“I’m gonna need you to hold his hand,” Dr. Reynolds mutters and Josh sighs.

  
“He won't hold my—”

  
“Oh, you fucking—” Josh snaps, cutting himself off and placing his hand in Brendon’s.

  
“You gotta interlock it, if you don't interlock it it's not hand holding and we might as well just be friends,” Brendon says, lacing their fingers together and trying not to laugh at Josh’s glare. “And not _partners_.”

  
The doc looks at Josh. “Nice, right?”

  
“Okay, see this?” Josh motions at their hands. “This is strong, it’s good. I want this,” Josh goes to unlock their fingers but Brendon squeezes them together until Josh all but rips them apart. “Like that same exact thing, that strong bond, without actually having to do it. Do you get me?”

  
“Are you embarrassed of your partner?” The doc asks and Josh recoils.

  
“No! Not at all,” Josh insists and Brendon is amazed he hasn't busted out laughing yet. “Why the _fuck_ are you guys ganging up on me? Gang up on him!”

  
“Oh, really?” Brendon encourages him to elaborate.

  
“He’s clingy, he’s literally always up in my business, not to mention he doesn't trust me.” He starts listing things off and Brendon rolls his eyes.

  
“Listen, I know you like Rami, but you need to stop—” He glances at the doctor and back at Josh. “ _Doing_ things with him.”

  
“Oh god,” Josh rolls his eyes and gets up. “I’m done. We’re getting the fuck out. Thanks for nothing, doc.”

  
“Pleasure!” Dr. Reynolds calls after them as they exit the room.

  
Brendon follows Josh out of the building silently, eyeing Josh’s tense shoulders and when he turns around, a glare aimed at him, he doesn't even shrink away.

  
“ _Why?_ ” Josh asks and it’s such a simple question, so answerable and easy, but Brendon could only stare. “I told you it’s not his fault, why do you keep doing this?”

  
“Do you honestly think I could just stand by and watch you do this to yourself?” Brendon replies softly. “Reverse our positions for a second, what would _you_ do if it was me?”

  
Josh thinks for a second, face in thought before he shrugs. “I’d let you do whatever you need to make yourself happy.”

  
“That’s a lie and you know it.” Brendon snaps, calling Josh’s bullshit as soon as it’s out of his mouth.

  
“It’s not,” Josh shakes his head. “I would. I’d support you through anything which is what you aren't doing.”

  
“Because I can't!” Brendon growls, moving closer to him.

  
“You sound just like Tyler.” Josh steps away from him. “You two should become best friends.”

  
“Don't compare me being worried for your well-being to his internalized homophobia struggles.” Brendon knows that this argument is a moot point and that neither of them will come to an agreement on if Josh should stop completely or not.

  
“Do you trust me?” Josh asks him suddenly, getting closer to him again and Brendon doesn't falter.

  
“Of course I do.”

  
“Then stop worrying.” Josh puts a hand on Brendon’s shoulder, comforting him with the soft touch. “I’ll be fine. Nothing will happen to me, so stop freaking out.”

  
“But what if it does?” Brendon sighs, looking at Josh’s hand and back at him. “What if something _does_ happen to you?”

  
The thought of Josh not being in his life anymore for something as stupid as a miscalculation of consumption that leads to an overdose hurts more than he thought was possible.

  
“I know my limits,” Josh promises and pulls him in for a hug, arms wrapping around Brendon’s shoulders easily. “Trust me, _please_.”

  
And it’s the way Josh begs him that makes Brendon wrap his arms around his back comfortingly, clinging to him and pressing his face against the crook of his neck while he tells him he does.

  
He just wishes that he could've ignored the fact Josh was lying for his sake.

  
\---

  
The melody flowing in the air makes Tyler still his fingers for second so he can write it down in his notebook before continuing. He hums softly and quietly to himself as his fingers move over the piano keys expertly, never having forgotten how to play even after all these years.

  
He hasn't played the piano in so long and ever since he started again a few days ago, it was as though it was muscle memory, which after careful thought, Tyler supposes it was. Only back then, he hadn't been playing sad love songs that would break his mother's heart, he had played choir tunes, Jesus jams or whatever. Now he could feel his heart bleeding into the notes, he could feel the emotion he drives into every one and it changes everything.

  
Music is magic.

  
He continues playing the soft tune to a song he wrote called _Prove Me Wrong_ , but can't find it in himself to sing. He just can't do it, he’s already insecure about his piano playing in general, feeling the eyes of other music players on him as he played, he can't imagine opening his mouth and embarrassing himself further.

  
So instead he played the melody he’d thought up for it and sang it in his head to get an idea on if it sounded good and Tyler is surprised that it _does_ sound okay. It doesn't sound as horrible as he had originally anticipated it would.

  
It makes him smile as he leaves, his shoulders relaxed and his problems forgotten for a short millisecond. It’s a moment of happiness that's short and sweet because as he’s walking away, he sees his blue haired love walking toward the direction he was leaving from and when they lock eyes and don't say anything to each other as they pass, Tyler’s entire world crumbles all over again.

  
Tyler would kill to watch Josh drum, to see how he got out all of his aggression. It’s what he told Tyler he did when he drummed before their fallout; it was how he took out his anger and de-stressed and more importantly, _rebelled_ against his parents.

  
But that doesn't matter, not really. Tyler just keeps walking, his head down and his lip caught between his teeth.

  
\---

  
Studying. That's what everyone at this stupid frat should be doing, including Tyler. Him especially, actually. He was damn well near failing his first semester and he couldn't be fucked about it.

  
Which is bad. Very, very bad. If his parents ever hear of him failing then he’ll be in for it, so he should leave this frat party right now and go back to his room to cram and better ready himself for his finals.

  
He’s not going to study. He’s in too deep now and he needs to get high, scholarship be damned. He hasn't smoked in _weeks_ and he was starting to lose his mind with all the stress of the world on his shoulders.

  
To be fair, he didn't know Josh would be at this frat either. If he had known he would have never left his room in the first place, but the Phi Kappa Psi house is the only one he’s ever been to and well. It was common sense for him to end up here.

  
Tyler watches him, locking his eyes with his and when Josh realizes it's Tyler his face twists up in confusion. He’s so infatuated with Josh’s face that he hadn't even felt the people knocking into him or heard them asking him if he was okay. He’s just focused on Josh and when he sees him smirk knowingly, sharp teeth biting into his bottom lip teasingly, he knows that using his willpower to leave is a lost cause.

  
The song in the background catches Josh’s attention and then he’s mouthing the words straight at him, his eyes wide and wild.

  
“ _Ayo, fuck this. Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something, in between that? I wish we never fucked and I mean that_.” Tyler sees Josh laugh and then shake his head. “ _But not really, you say the nastiest shit in bed and it’s fucking awesome_.”

  
Tyler doesn't hesitate walking up to him, dodging people and weaving his way through them until he’s right in front of Josh who’s smiling like he’s won their on-going war.

  
“I need something,” Tyler tells him desperately. “I don't know anyone who can get me stuff around here so please just help me out.”

  
“I can get you something,” Josh hums, looking at Tyler’s lips then back at his eyes. “Ecstasy? Coke? Simple weed?”

  
“Anything Josh, just—” Tyler watches the smile spread on Josh’s face. “Name your price and I'll give it.”

  
“My price?” Josh steps forward and Tyler’s heart is pounding against his ribcage, sweat beginning to form on his forehead from the adrenaline.

  
“ _Name it_.” Tyler growls impatiently and Josh nods, placing a kiss to Tyler’s neck and shocking a gasp out of him.

  
“ _You_.”

  
Tyler breaks away from him, taking a step back and watching Josh’s face for any form of humour, something short of amusement, but finds none. This was starting to feel like a sick joke being played on him and it was making his mind close in on itself, his thoughts fumbling together to form nothing.

  
“Me?” He mouths, the music masking his voice anyway. He shakes himself out of his stupor and glares at the blue haired boy. “You have a boyfriend.”

  
His voice raises and laces with all the warning he could muster up and Josh, in turn, raises an eyebrow. A challenge forms in the lines of his smile and the crinkles by his eyes and Tyler almost shrinks away.

  
“A boyfriend who’s not here and is currently away on, ah… business.” Josh shrugs, nonchalant and undisturbed. “Do you want to get high or not?”

  
“Yes.” Tyler’s answer is immediate and then Josh is leading him down the hall, to the stairs and onto the third floor.

  
Even in the confines of the room, not messy but clearly being resident with most of Josh’s clothes, the music blares, dull and vibrating.

  
“What would you like?” Josh asks at ease in the room and walking stoically toward the bathroom. “I've got everything. You should take heroin just so I can see you ruin your life. Too mean?” A pause. “Oops. I’m just kidding, I wouldn't want that to happen to you.”

  
His blue head disappears into the room, babbling away and Tyler stops him, voice raising so Josh hears him loud and clear.

  
“Josh can we just talk? Like old times?”

  
“Old times?” He hears Josh say before his head is peeking through the door. “Old times, pal? We used to fuck every time we talked.”

  
It’s an offer, Tyler can tell. He shouldn't fall into the trap, shouldn't let himself be swayed, but he’s a weak son of a bitch and when Josh walks up to him and stares at his lips again, he can't help the way he grabs his cheeks and brings him forward.

  
Their lips meet, they touch each other with softness Tyler didn't think would exist anymore and it’s so different from last time that he has to pull away and make sure this is _Josh_.

  
All, entirely and wholly Josh. From the new blue curls resting on his forehead, to his bright brown eyes and smirk of victory.

  
Tyler leans back in, pushing his tongue past his lips and sliding it along Josh’s bottom lip until he opens his mouth and meets him halfway. Tongues slide together and shaking fingers grab at his clothes, begging to run over smooth skin.

  
The feeling of Josh’s fingers gripping at his hips snaps something in him and next thing he knows, he’s slamming Josh into the wall closest to them, his lips leaving his to kiss down his jaw to his neck, enjoying Josh’s sharp intake of breath at his sudden roughness.

  
“Please…” Josh lets fall off his lips in a whimper, dripping into Tyler’s ears like water in a stream and what more can he do than bite at his collarbone and listen to the raspy moan the boy pinned to the wall lets out?

  
Clothes get shed as they continue kissing (Tyler insisting he keeps his shirt on for obvious reasons. Josh doesn't bother dwelling on it.) and Tyler’s mouth continues it’s assault on Josh’s neck.

  
_Look at this_ , he thinks maliciously toward Rami, projecting the thoughts and hoping he hears them when he sees the marks. _He’s mine. Always will be. Don't forget it_.

  
Rutting against each other, hard-clothed cocks begging for release is enough for Tyler to move away and slide his boxers down his legs and Josh to do the same.

  
“Let me suck you,” Josh drops to his knees, not letting Tyler answer. “Wanna taste you. Forgot what you taste like. Please let me, _baby boy_.”

  
“Okay.” Tyler obliges and Josh licks at the precome forming along his slit before kissing the head gently.

  
Eyes locked on his, Josh wraps his lips around him, making Tyler clench his teeth together at the sudden warm wetness around him. Josh’s hand finds his name above Tyler's knee and he shudders, the reminder always there. Never forgotten no matter how hard he tries.

  
Josh’s tongue slides along his length, earning a moan from Tyler, his hands sliding into the soft blue curls and pulling on them just like he knows Josh likes. The moan the thrums against his cock makes his eyes slip shut, his mouth falling open in silent pleasure.

  
This really wasn't what he thought would happen when he came here tonight, but as Josh hallows his cheeks, letting his tongue run over the head as he comes up, Tyler yanks hard on his hair and pulls him off. He breathes out, shallow and fast before pulling Josh up from his knees, swollen, red lips touching his.

  
He still hasn't gotten tired of the feeling of Josh’s lips and he doesn't think he ever will.

  
They pull away abruptly and Tyler glances down between their bodies at Josh’s flush cock, resting easily on his stomach and leaking at the head.

  
“Fuck me,” Josh gasps, his forehead lulling onto Tyler’s shoulder, lips near his ear. “Fuck me, fuck me, _fuck me_.”

  
“Are you sure?” Tyler groans at the feeling of Josh’s teeth nipping at his shoulder.

  
“Fuck me, Tyler.”

  
If he was going to fuck him he was going to do it right. He leads Josh to the bed, pushing him down on his back and watching him lean up on his elbows curiously. Tyler looks around and spots lube under one of Josh’s torn shirts, the most beautiful sight before him as he heads back to the bed.

  
Josh spread out and looking at him in awe is better than any picture or any painting anyone could ever show him or give him. He wants to see Josh like this every day of his fucking life, the split second decision being made as easy as breathing.

  
Coating his fingers generously, he gets in between Josh’s legs, a finger gently teasing at his hole before pushing in. Josh moans and sighs, head falling back while Tyler surges forward and kisses him. Josh whines deep in his throat and Tyler knows him and what he needs, knows his bodies reactions like second nature. He adds a second finger into him, feeling him jerk against his body before relaxing and kissing him back.

  
Tyler pulls away to kiss the side of Josh’s neck that he hasn't bruised up yet, teeth sinking in gently before sucking on it. Josh moans, breathless _yes’_ falling into the air and encouraging him to add a third finger.

  
He works his fingers into him until Josh is rocking into his fingers, begging for more, more, more. It drives Tyler crazy, his own cock throbbing against Josh’s thigh and he quickly removes his fingers from his ass.

  
“Condom?”

  
“I don't know, I don't _care_ ,” Josh chokes out, wrapping his legs around Tyler’s hips and pulling him closer. “Fuck me, God please just fuck me.”

  
Tyler nods and reaches to squirt more lube onto his fingers and coats his cock with it before he’s lining up with him, pushing into his entrance. Nothing will ever compare to watching Josh’s eyes slipping closed in bliss and small moans getting caught in his throat with every thrust Tyler makes.

  
“Tell me you love me,” Josh begs suddenly, eyes opening wide and fingers gripping at his skin, digging into his shoulder and scratching at his chest. “Even if you don't, tell me you do. _Lie to me and tell me you love me_.”

  
“I love you, Josh.” Tyler tells him, meaning it in every sense of the words as he sinks onto his elbows on either side of Josh’s head. Their gazes speak volumes. “I love you.”

  
“You love me— _fuck_ , you love me.” Josh whispers more to himself than Tyler, fingers slipping down his back.

  
“I love you so much,” Tyler admits, a throaty moan passing his lips when Josh jerks his hips upward to meet his thrust. “Only you. You’re the only one I want and you're _mine_.”

  
Tyler speeds up, his hips snapping quickly, letting one of his hands slip between their bodies to Josh’s dick, jerking him and listening to his whines of delight, mewls of _yours, only yours_ slipping past his lips.

  
Thrusts become sloppier and when Josh lets out a drawn out sigh and spills all over Tyler’s hand and scratches down his back, he honestly feels on top of the world.

  
With his heart showing on his face and one last cry, Tyler is filling Josh up and letting his orgasm take over his senses. He falls forward and catches Josh’s lips between his own desperately.

  
He definitely doesn't think about how Josh hadn't said he loved him back at all.

  
\---

  
It’s not like old times at all.

  
Josh told him to get dressed and leave as soon as they came down from their highs of euphoria and when Josh meets him back down at the actual frat party, he’s high off his shit and all smiles.

  
It shouldn't unnerve Tyler as much as it does seeing him like this, but everything involving Josh lately and not involving him ends up bothering him. And since Josh is high and ignoring the fact they just fucked, Tyler drinks.

  
He drinks the rum and cokes, the vodka shots, the sambuca shots (how fancy), anything that gets handed his way, really. It burns his throat and he knows he shouldn't mix his drinks, but he doesn't fucking care.

  
Until he notices Josh with Rami and by the looks of it, Rami is pretty drunk off his ass too so it makes Tyler feel a _little_ better for drinking so much. He sees Rami heading toward the bathrooms and Josh doesn't follow, he lets him slip away from him and Tyler thinks this would be the perfect time to let Rami know who Josh really belongs to.

  
In case he didn't see the permanent name on his leg already.

  
Only Rami doesn't go in the direction of the bathroom, in fact he skips over it completely and Tyler is stumbling after him like a goddamn fool, girls giggling and thirsting after him. He shakes his head and keeps his eyes on the short boy ahead of him, grabbing onto his arm when he’s close enough.

  
“Hey!” Rami grunts loud enough for him to hear. “I need to be somewhere, bro. Let me go.”

  
“Do you know who I am?” Tyler smiles and it's not nice. He feels his jealousy and it's disgusting.

  
“Of course I do.” He rolls his eyes and swings their arms. “You want drugs or something? ‘Cause I got things to do,”

Rami drags out the word _do_ and giggles when Tyler doesn't say anything.

  
“Did you see Josh’s neck?” He asks instead, a smirk forming on his face.

  
“What about it?” Rami pouts. “It’s a pretty neck, I wanna kiss it.”

  
“Too bad I beat you to it.” Tyler drops his arm and starts walking away, the time bomb planted in his head.

  
Rami grabs him by his shirt and shoves him up against the wall as best as a drunk person could, leaving Tyler shocked at how strong he is.

  
“What?” Rami glares, gaze cold and waiting.

  
“You saw Josh a few minutes ago,” Tyler drawls, shrugging innocently. “Where do you think those marks came from?”

  
Then he’s being punched, and kicked and he should have expected that and sure he hit him back a couple of times, but what he didn't expect is for fucking _cops_ to break them apart and lead them away, Rami yelling curses the entire time.

  
When the two of them are handcuffed and put in a police car, Tyler starts feeling his sense of purpose again.

  
\---

  
Drunk tanks aren't as fun as movies made them out to be. There’s nothing cool or interesting about a bunch of drunk dudes being held here until they sober up or someone comes to get them.

  
And when the only person who he could pass the time with is Rami fucking Malek, it’s all the more shitty.

  
“I hate you.” He slurs and shakes his head trying to sober himself up. Why don't they give them water?

  
“I hate you back.” Rami tells him, bringing his knees to his chest and glaring.

  
“Yeah well, you don't know me.” Tyler snaps, heaving a breath. “Besides, you're like, a stupid ass drug dealer with no life. Fucking psycho.”

  
“You don't know me either,” Rami laughs at Tyler’s description. “But okay sure, I'm psycho. Look at me Tyler, of course I'm crazy. And definitely not the cute kind.”

  
Tyler snorts. “You're far from cute. Maybe mildly _okay_ looking if I squint really hard.”

  
“I didn't know you had such a low ego.”

  
And that startles a laugh out of a drowsy Tyler, a smile still resting on his lips when he’s done.

  
“You know if you weren't with the love of my life, I'd actually like you.” Tyler muses, eyes looking at the boring grey walls and back at Rami.

  
“The love of your life, huh?” Rami’s lips twitch.

  
“Yeah,” Tyler nods and then sighs. “I love him _so_ much and I can't be with him. I'm pathetic.”

  
“Yeah you are,” Rami agrees and Tyler rolls his eyes. “This is what Josh needs right now, you know? He’s good with me right now, but…”

  
Tyler scoots closer to Rami when he stops talking for a while, his face deep in thought. He wonders why he's not upset with Josh practically cheating on him, he knows he would be if it was him and okay, Rami punched him a couple of times, but still.

  
“He needs you,” Rami sighs sadly and Tyler feels so, so fucking bad. “He’ll never fully get over you.”

  
“I'm sorry I did what I did, I should have stopped it.” Tyler apologizes while he still has the balls and Rami shakes his head again, posture and facial expression one of complete understanding.

  
“Sorry I hit you, but I would do it again if I could.” Rami shrugs and Tyler chuckles, opening his mouth to reply to him, but being cut off by a cop.

  
“Someone’s here to get you two.” He’s curt with them and soon enough, they're scrambling up and getting out of the cell to be met with an apathetic Josh.

  
Rami hugs his boyfriend around the waist, whispering something in his ear before walking out (or attempting to—he accidentally stumbles into the door). Tyler sways on his feet, the urge to vomit rising in his stomach until he swallows it down and follows the other boy, ignoring Josh and his questioning stare.

  
When they all reach Josh’s car, Rami riding shotgun and Josh driving, the ride is far from silent.

  
“I can't believe you two.” Josh says quietly, angrily, the lowness of his voice making Tyler shiver.

  
“It’s not my fault your boyfriend punched me.” Tyler pouts and crosses his arms.

  
“Um, yeah it is,” Rami crosses his arms and turns to look at him. “You fucked my boy and bragged about it to me.”

  
Josh chokes, the car swerving roughly before it’s back on track, Tyler gripping at the door handle to stop the uneasiness in his stomach.

  
“What?”

  
“It’s okay I understand,” Rami nods, smiling. “Tyler’s a nice guy.”

  
“No he’s not.” Josh watches Rami’s eyes widen from the corner of his.

  
“Oh no, what did he do!”

  
“He broke my heart, remember?” Josh reminds him, a sigh passing his gritted teeth and Tyler shakes his head.

  
“I didn't do that!” Tyler replies from the backseat. He was slightly offended that Josh would say that when he had broken his heart and not the other way around.

  
“Yes you did, Tyler.” Josh snaps and glares at him from the rearview. “Don't start.”

  
Tyler thinks about it and he’s right, he _had_ hurt him and told him some things he shouldn't have and oh my god, he was such an asshole. How does he even live with himself?

  
“ _Ohhh_ , yeah, I did do that.” Tyler giggles and sniffles. “If it means anything I like your new boyfriend a little.”

  
“Aw, Tyler.” Rami gushes, hand going over to his heart in a show of being touched.

  
“What the fuck is this?” Josh’s hands tighten over the steering wheel, trying so hard to focus on the road and not the two boys in his car.

  
When he's at a red light he looks at Rami questioningly, to which he just leans in and kisses him, obscene sounds leaving their mouths. Tyler almost throws up on them out of spite.

  
“That’s not fair.” Tyler whines nevertheless, pouting again and crossing his arms childishly.

  
“You already had your time with him today.” Rami points out and before Tyler can reply, Josh beats him to it. Tyler is getting tired of being cut off.

  
“If you both don't stop I'm turning the car around.” Josh warns, glaring at the two of them before the car starts moving again.

  
“Whatever you say, daddy.” Tyler quips, leaning his head against the cool window.

  
Rami giggles and leans back to high five him which Tyler reaches out to hit. Josh groans frustratedly from his seat and Tyler doesn't understand what his deal is. It’s not like they were fighting or doing anything inappropriate.

  
“I'm so confused.” Josh mutters to himself.

  
“Why, baby?” Rami smiles and nudges him in the ribs gently.

  
“Yeah, why,  _baby_?” Tyler mocks, sticking his tongue out when Rami makes a face.

  
“You two hate each other when you’re sober!” Josh insists, putting on his ticker to enter the school.

  
“We had a very serious heart to heart in that drunk tank.” Tyler tells him seriously because well, they _did_ and he was totally super serious.

  
“Hard to believe that.”

  
“We did! Rami tell him.”

  
“We definitely did.” Rami admits.

  
The car gets parked and they struggle up to their floor, loud curses and giggles surely interrupting people’s sleep, but they eventually make it. Josh opens the door and Tyler kicks off his shoes, making his way to Josh’s bed with ease and dropping into it, face first.

  
He inhales and he’s at home, the smell of _Josh_ in his nose and his senses and all he’s missing is the actual boy to feel utterly complete.

  
“I'm too tired to go to my room.” He says to no one, his voice muffled by the pillow. He gets under the covers, curling into them.

  
“Tyler, you need to go to your room.” Josh’s voice is soft and so, so close that even with the haze surrounding his mind, he blinks his eyes open.

  
Josh is looming over him, unsure if he should touch him or not. Tyler wishes he would. He wishes he would get in bed with him and wrap his arms around him and make him feel safe again.

  
“Too tired.” He says instead, closing his eyes to stop hurting himself further. He just wants to sleep to let his mind go blank and vacant.

  
He hears him make a noise of discontent above him before he’s walking away and Tyler counts that as victory enough. Josh doesn't hate him as much as he lets on and it makes him happy. He hears muffled talking for a few minutes before everything goes quiet, the sound of the sink running in the bathroom filling his ears. Then he hears someone place something down next to him on the ground and cracks an eye open to see Josh’s retreating figure.

  
_Water_. He placed water and Advil on the ground for him to drink when he could and Tyler’s heart swells, grows at least three sizes as his love for this boy overwhelms him over and over.

  
Then the door is opening and he hears a loud shushing noise.

  
“How did you swing _this_ threeway?” Brendon’s voice fills his ears and it's funny because Tyler misses him too.

  
“B, no, they're both drunk.” Josh sighs and he can imagine him running his fingers through his hair.

  
“So… can I watch? I’ll be good and quiet. I mean, unless you ask me not to be.” Brendon babbles and Tyler almost laughs. He’s high, that's why he’s so at ease.

  
“Okay, go back to Dallon or Ryan or whoever you fucked tonight.” Josh snaps.

  
“Aye aye, captain!” Brendon calls and then the door is being shut lightly again.

  
“Tyler,” His eyes open, drifting toward Josh. “You're so infuriating.”

  
And that’s all he says before he’s walking over to Brendon’s bed and checking up on Rami. He looks back at Tyler, watching him with a torn expression on his face before glancing back at his boyfriend.

  
With a sad, tired sigh, Josh slips into bed with Rami and Tyler closes his eyes, trying to ignore the hurt blooming in his chest and tries to sleep.

  
\---

  
Tyler wakes up to his phone vibrating unforgivingly against his thigh. He reaches into his jeans to pull it out and see who could call him at this time and rolls his eyes when he sees the time and Jenna’s name.

  
He doesn't care if he misses fucking class.

  
His temples throb against his skin, the hangover he’d have to nurse today being one of the many reasons he wants nothing to do with the outside world. He just wants to stay in his room and wallow in his self pity by himself, forever.

  
But, like, he’s not in his room. He’s in Josh’s bed, cuddling into his sheets and when the mass of black jumps on his head he doesn't even flinch. Donnie steps all over him and Tyler watches him curiously until he settles next to his legs.

  
“You’ve gotten so big,” Tyler whispers to him in awe, reaching out a hand to pet him. “Not so baby boy anymore, are ya?”

  
The cat mews and purrs at Tyler's fingers and it's so damn precious he wishes he could just take the fucking cat and keep it.

  
His head snaps over to the other side of the room when he hears a soft snore that can only be Josh. His heart twists up at the view of Josh, peaceful in his sleep with his arms wrapped around Rami whose head is resting on his chest.

  
It isn't fair, it never will be fair because Tyler can't just say how he feels without consequence and Josh won't wait for him forever. They'll both just have to get over this and move on, but Tyler is selfish, he doesn't want to. Josh on the other hand… Josh is trying to get over him.

  
He chose Rami over him last night and Tyler thought he was used to heartbreak by now, that this type of hurt in his fucking chest would be numbed because he feels it so often, but every time hurts just as bad.

  
Getting up as quietly as he can, he walks over to his shoes and puts them on to go to his room and. And what? Probably cry. Probably masturbate. Probably both at the same time. Who fucking _cares_ , he just wants to be out of here.

  
“Hey,” Josh’s voice rasps out toward him and he freezes. “Good morning. How are you feeling?”

  
“Like shit,” Tyler tells him bluntly, straight to the point. “Have fun explaining us fucking to him sober.”

  
“What? Are you okay?” Josh stills, trying not to move and wake the boy on top of him. His eyes are on Tyler though and God, those eyes could ruin him in itself.

  
“Am I okay?” Tyler laughs quietly. “ _Fuck no_. How the hell can I be?”

  
“Is there anything—”

  
“Just stop,” Tyler growls, lifting a hand up. “You pretending to care is making it worse. I don't know why you're doing this to me and if it's for payback, it's low. Even for you.”

  
Carefully, Josh slips out of Rami’s grasp without waking him and tip toes away from the bed and to Tyler. He looks at him with a look that makes him want to melt and Tyler is sure he’s looking back at him the same way, the amount of emotions he feels bubbling in his chest taking over him completely.

  
“Tell me how you feel about me.” Josh waits and when Tyler doesn't answer, he nods. “Have a good day, Tyler.”

  
“Not everyone can just blurt out how they feel every second like you do!” Tyler tells him, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together. “You know how I feel about you. You _know_. You’re just being stubborn.”

  
“I have a right to be.” Josh smirks and lifts his free hand up to cup Tyler’s jaw, his lips meeting his softly. His hand slides down Tyler’s neck, to his chest softly before he pulls away from him. “I’ll see you, I guess.”

  
“You can't just kiss me and tell me to leave.” Tyler frowns when Josh drops his hands.

  
“I just did,” Josh shrugs and turns away from him, going back to the bed. “Go away. Let me be with my _boyfriend_ in peace.”

  
When he accidentally nudges Rami and startles him awake with a groan passing his lips, Tyler’s gaze hardens and he wants to punch the fuck right in the nose. He looks at Tyler with cloudy eyes, tilting his head slightly.

  
“You okay, bud?”

  
“Bud?” Tyler snaps, his hands clenching by his sides. “I'm not your fucking bud, you piece of shit!”

  
He doesn't want to hear anything else he has to say, he just wants to get out of there and do what he planned out earlier. Nobody can stop him from following his damn dream for the day and isolating himself will make sure it happens.

  
Before he slams the door shut he hears Rami’s tired voice drifting over.

  
“Is he always that dramatic?”

  
“You have no idea.” Josh replies.

  
Tyler snorts and let's the slam of the door speak what he thought of their conversation for him while he disappears into his own room.

 

  
\---

  
Josh doesn't see Tyler. Tyler doesn't see Josh. Hell, Josh doesn't even see Rami for like, a day.

  
He takes his meds instead of getting high, which is new. He briefly eyes the bottle, mentally calculating how many tiny pills are in there before shaking his head. Not today, anyway.

  
When Brendon gets home and faceplants into his bed, a weak hey directed at Josh, he feels like things never changed. He lets himself live in the reality of the naive for a second.

  
“Hey.”

  
“Life sucks.” Brendon announces, turning to face Josh.

  
“Yeah, it does.” Josh laughs lightly and stretches out a leg from where he’s sitting on the chair. He’s been there all day trying to get most his work done, but getting distracted all the same.

  
They're quiet after that and Josh thinks that Brendon might have fallen asleep on him if it weren't for the sighs he was letting out.

  
“We should, like, get an apartment near campus,” Brendon suggests, running his fingers through his hair. “Get away from everything. Just be the two of us.”

  
Josh stops and considers.

  
“With what money?”

  
“I’ve got some saved up, we could both get jobs, get help,” Brendon sighs again, this time the sound more defeated. “I dunno. Just, this place sucks now.”

  
“I’ll think about it.” Josh promises and Brendon looks at him puzzled. Josh raises an eyebrow.

  
“I miss you.” Brendon admits, a soft confession that hits at Josh’s heart painfully, almost akin to his heart physically ripping itself in half.

  
This is the part where he’s supposed to tell him that he needs help, that he doesn't have things under control and he damn well doesn't know what the fuck his limits are, but he’s getting worse and worse and it can't be good. He should tell him that he wants to get the fuck out of here and leave everyone behind and kill himself to rid himself of this fucking temptation he always feels. He should tell him, he should fucking tell him while he has the opportunity, the door wide open for him.

  
“I miss you, too.” He breathes out instead, tapping his fingers on the desk rhythmically, trying to ease his anxiety.

  
He sees Brendon smile.

  
He takes it, runs with it like he’s said the right thing, but why does everything feel so wrong? He’s a liar, why can't Brendon see it?

  
_I love you_ , Josh wants to tell him, just in case. Always just in case something happens that he can't control. _I’m sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. You don't deserve this, I'm so sorry you got stuck with me_.

  
He just smiles back, turning to the notebook he’d been writing in. His English final essay was to do a creative project and Josh was doing it on some sort of random diary entry type of shit. It's only a draft, handwritten only because his laptop wasn't turning on when he needed it and Brendon had took his to class with him. Honestly, what he wrote makes him cringe, but as he reads it again and again, he notices how expressive and articulate it actually is.

  
_Here’s the thing diary-whatever-this-is, my name is Josh Dun, obviously, and I'm going to tell you about the devil emotion called love. Don't get too excited, this is not a happy story. In fact, it's a tragedy; a tragedy that I'm living._

_The thing about love is that it sucks, God, does it suck, but once you feel it, seeping into your bones, running through your veins and attacking your heart repeatedly without remorse, it starts feeling like… like coming alive._

_  
I've loved people in my life, friends, family, some exes that will always deserve better than me, some that I deserve better than them, but being in love? Being in love is the cherry on top of that shitty ice cream of delight. When you're in love all the black and white disappears and you suddenly see colour; everything takes on a new perspective because that’s what love does._

_  
I’ve only been in love with one person, Tyler, and when I realized it I had every intention of running. Running, running, running because what better way is there to ignore my fucking issues than to run from them? I should have listened. I should have left my heart alone and never chased after him because yeah, love sucks._

  
_I fell in love and whenever he’d lay with me, giving me those puppy eyes of his, everything felt like it was in place. A puzzle piece of two coming together. And you know what I thought? What I had myself believe?_

_  
That everything I did up to that point was worth it. Every mistake, every scare I gave my mother, every drug I took, all the thoughts of dying, every damn insecurity I had, it was all worth it. Why? Because having Tyler in my life made it seem okay. Because one way or another, it led me back to this stupid boy, this stupid endearing boy that I didn't know what I would do without._

_  
And look where that got me; rock fucking bottom. Beyond rock bottom. I'm so past it that I really just don't even know where I am anymore._

_  
It's turned me into this person I don't even want to look at in the mirror anymore. I’m not a good person, far from it actually, and if I wasn't so against therapy they'd be making bank off of me and my issues. Either way, I would have still spiralled down into this abyss of self-destruction no matter what they gave me. No matter what they would have said._

_  
See, I know I'm a broken person, that my anxiety and depression will always be there and it will always overrule me, etc, etc. I don't need a psychologist to tell me shit I already know. And yeah, I know that all this sounds like a fucking cry for some sympathy in my life, some pity. Look at poor Josh, he’s upset and hurt, awww. No. It’s not what this is, I'm just trying to make a point._

_  
All of this is significant because of this dumb thing called love._

_  
Which leads me to my next point: love doesn't cure you. Love didn't miraculously make my depression and anxiety go away. Sure it made me want to get better and waking up next to him made me happy, but it always hit me in th_ e _end. Whenever he’d look at me smiling bright and whisper ‘I'll write so many songs about you Joshua Dun, you have no idea’ it would hit me so damn hard (and he’s punched me a couple of times, but none of them hurt as much as those words. They were like fucking knives being pressed into my skin, man)._

_  
We fought a lot. I guess love does that, you know. Makes you fight, makes you angry. And I guess if I was half the man everyone thinks I am I would lie and tell him I don't love him, that I don't need him and I don't ever want to see him again._

_  
If you love something let it go and it’ll come back to you if it was meant to be, right?_

_  
I love him and he (allegedly) loves me. So why is it so hard? Why can't we just be together? Why does he have to break my heart every time we talk? I guess I don't mind it if I keep searching and reaching for him subconsciously._

_  
I read this quote once, from a book I can't remember for the life of me, but it went a little something like, “I am his and he is mine and it has been that way all along” and I think it accurately describes us because, you know, we always end up together never mind the circumstances._

_  
Anyway, all this to say I would endure a billion heartbreaks for him. I would wait forever for him, no matter how badly he hurts me in the process._

_  
That's what love is after all, isn't it? Putting your significant other's needs before your own. Actually no, that's a lie, forget I said that. I’m too lazy to go back and erase it, but… he makes me want to be good. He makes me want to try. I just hope that I make him feel the same things._

_  
I just hope someday I'll be enough for him._


	17. I'm a prisoner to my addiction (I'm addicted to a life that's so empty and so cold)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in less than a week. Good shit! so, like, I'm graduating college in 2 days and I'm pretty frickin stoked about it because then I'll be able to finish this story quicker for y'all. 
> 
> All together now: Yaaay! 
> 
> Sorry this is a sad one, but come on guys, when is it not?

Nothing really changes in the end; Josh still mostly stays with Rami, getting his fix every night to stop himself from going crazy. Tyler still cries a lot over life, debating why the hell he’s still in school when he’d rather be doing other things. And Brendon is still learning how to deal with all this fucking drama.

  
It’s finals week and when Brendon does see Josh (who is on his way to one of his music finals), he can't help the irritated sigh that passes his lips.

  
“You’re seriously going to your finals high?” Brendon watches him turn around, a slow smirk spreading wide on his face. “You’re going to fail, man.”

  
“Ah, but see, that’s what you and your big brain are good for, buddy!” He slings an arm across Brendon’s shoulders with ease. “Why should I pass when you can do that for me?”

  
And then, just like that, he boops Brendon on the nose and starts walking away to flunk his final. Brendon watches him with the most flabbergasted look a person can pull, turning and walking the opposite direction.

  
“Fucking asshole.”

  
(In the end, Brendon does end up hacking the schools system to make Josh pass his classes. He doesn't give him a fucking 4.0 GPA, but it’s better than what he had once he’s done.)

  
Tyler on the other hand doesn't have any intention of failing. He studies all day and all night for like, a week, surviving only on redbull because he couldn't stomach food due to the stress. He couldn't lose his scholarship, he just couldn't. He knows the privilege he has, what with most his education being already paid for him while most people created debts for themselves simply by attending school. He knew how lucky he was and he wasn't going to take it for granted.

  
So, he doesn’t. He goes to every exam prepared, having created review guides and questions to test himself in every subject and so on.

  
He feels confident as he leaves each final, but as he finishes his last one, this feeling of absolute dread takes over him as he walks back to his dorm. Maybe not dread exactly, but some sort of hollow, emptiness in the pit of his stomach.

  
The thought of going back home for a month (until January anyway) almost makes him sick in itself.

  
It’s funny because all three of these boys are in completely different situations and yet at that very moment all of them were thinking the same thing.

  
_What the fuck am I going to do now?_

  
\---

  
Josh passes out a few days later.

It’s nothing serious, not really, he just overestimated the amount of lines he took and his brain was going crazy and his heartbeat was way too fast. One thing led to another and _apparently_ his body was weak as hell so when he reached his dorm, everything had just sort of gone black.

  
The sun was just beginning to rise when he had made his way over to his dorm and when he’s shaken awake a few hours later by a frantic Brendon, mutters of _Oh God, please be okay, please be okay, fuck, Josh wake up_ reaching his ears, he realizes how he fucked up big time.

  
“I’m fine,” He groans and Brendon looks like he may cry. “Seriously, Bren, I’m good.”

  
He tries to stand but fails miserably, his legs beginning to give out as soon as he’s on his feet. Brendon catches him, wrapping an arm around his waist and slinging the other one around his shoulders. He watches Josh, waiting for him to give him a signal to move.

  
It feels as though his chest is closing in on him and he knows this feeling too well by now, his panic attacks had become second nature to him. He starts doing his breathing exercises, taking a deep breath in and counting to 3 slowly before letting it out. It takes him a couple of minutes to come back to himself and Brendon doesn't rush him at all throughout the entire thing.

  
Josh steps forward and together they get back to their room, his anxiety still there, biting at his skin with no way to shake it off.

  
They don't notice Tyler’s parents waiting for him outside. They don't care. Once they're in the safe confines of their room, Brendon brings Josh to his bed. He gets him water and Josh was starting to feel his panic rise up at Brendon’s silence, the lack of yelling worse than what he could have imagined.

  
“Say something, please.” Josh whispers, staring at the water in his hands, his fingers shaking.

  
“You’re not leaving this room until the drug is completely out of your system.” Brendon says sharply, no room for negotiation in his voice.

  
“What? I can't—Brendon, I can't go that long without my—without it.” Josh stutters, tears brimming his eyes.

  
“Exactly! How is that fucking okay?” Brendon snaps and Josh shrinks away. “You’re going to get better and stop relying on that shit, you hear me? You’re not leaving this room until it’s out of your system.”

  
“Okay, okay,” Josh forces out a smile to ease some of the tension in Brendon’s body. “It can't be that bad, no biggie.”

  
Brendon looks at him with such a pained expression and when he sits down on his bed, his head going in his hands, Josh lets the tears fall without even bothering to stop them.

  
\---

  
When Tyler meets up with his parents after saying goodbye to Patrick and gathering all his stuff, he’s pretty sure the tension could have killed him.

  
He was hoping to see Josh one last time before leaving, but the boy was nowhere to be seen. It was odd, something felt really off. It felt as though something was missing in his chest and it felt so fucking empty he wanted nothing more than to start screaming and hitting things just to feel something.

  
Instead he monotonously greets his mom and dad, not making eye contact with either of them as he gets in the car. He had put his bag down when he reached them and his dad put it in the trunk before getting in his seat, his mother following suit.

  
As they drive away from OU the feeling in Tyler’s chest intensifies, almost like something was being pressed into it, their razor sharp tendrils clawing up his throat and suffocating him. Something was _wrong_ , but he didn't know what so he tries to ignore it, playing with the zipper of his jacket instead.

  
The silence makes him want to bash his head into the car window and just put himself out of his misery. He eyes the window curiously and his dad must have read his mind or something because he speaks up.

  
“How were finals, kid?”

  
Tyler stiffens, gaze hardening as he looks at his dad's eyes through the rearview mirror.

  
“Good. I think I did really well.”

  
“That’s great, sweetheart.” His mother's soft voice fills the silence and he shakes his head, glancing back out of the window.

  
He picks up his phone, thumb scrolling until he finds Josh’s name.

  
It wasn't a good idea, but he was worried about him and at least this way he’ll know if Josh is okay because he has his reads on. Those reads hit Tyler's messages as soon as they’re sent most of the time out of spite.

  
_hey josh  
I just wanted to say happy holidays in case I don't see you til jan_

  
Tyler chews on his lip and waits. 15 minutes of silence and the sound of the highway filling Tyler’s ears with no response from Josh and he’s starting to panic.

  
_I know we didn't really end on a good note last time_  
_I'm sorry jishwa_  
_please answer_

  
Josh wasn't reading his messages and it was so fucking unusual that the feeling in Tyler’s chest was getting worse and worse, the imaginary hands tightening around his neck.

  
_you're scaring me baby  
are you okay?_

  
The car turns into their driveway and Tyler takes deep breaths to calm himself down before opening his door and slipping his phone in his pocket. Josh was probably fine and just hadn't bothered checking his phone. That had to be it.

  
Who was he trying to fucking convince here? Tyler knew something wasn't right and he needed to get back to campus now. He needed to go find him and help him or just see him and make sure he was okay.

  
When his siblings greet him in the driveway, smiling and pulling him in for hugs and telling him how much they all missed him, the sick feeling in his stomach gets worse.

He has to leave.

  
“I’m gay.” He blurts out and he sees his dad freeze with his suitcase on the steps to their foyer. Tyler doesn't care. “Yeah, I’m gay. I've been dating, sort of, this guy, he—he’s great. You guys know him, um, Josh Dun and—I just—I’m gay.”

  
“Dude, I totally saw this coming,” Zack speaks up first and Tyler scrunches up his face. “No offence.”

  
“I always knew you and Josh had something special,” Maddy says and Tyler feels his throat closing up.

  
“Do I say congrats for coming out or is that lame?” Jay finishes and Tyler chuckles, tears springing into his eyes.

  
“You guys don't mind it?” Tyler says cautiously, knowing his dad's glare is on him, burning the side of his head. _He doesn't care._

  
“Hell no, bro!” Zack wraps him up in a hug and Tyler feels the tears leave his eyes and slide down his cheeks. “You can love whoever you want, it’s okay.”

  
“Did you think we’d disown you as our brother or something?” Jay snorts and he and Maddy join in on the hug, crushing him slightly, but it's okay, it's _so_ okay.

  
“You’re kinda stuck with us, sorry Ty.” Maddy tells him and Tyler shakes his head.

  
“I'll tell you, I promise. I just, not now. I think Josh is—” Tyler pulls away from all of them, wiping a hand over his eyes. “We left on a bad note and I haven't seen him. I have to go find him and make things right.”

  
“What’re you still doing here then, dumbass?” Zack pushes him away and Tyler nods, walking towards his mother.

  
He’s surprised his dad hadn't freaked out again, though of course he wouldn't in front of his siblings. He’s going to try and paint Tyler as the bad guy, he knows, but right now all that matters is Josh.

  
“If you care for me in the slightest,” Tyler starts as he looks at his mom, a tiny hope in him that she does love him. “You'll give me your car keys.”

  
Without a second thought she’s reaching into her purse and handing over her keys to him. Tyler feels his eyes begin to water again as she takes his hand in hers, placing the keys in it. She doesn't smile or give him any actual reassurance that she cares, but it’s enough.

  
“Go.”

  
That word is all it takes for him to bolt, running to her car and driving back to the school, the weight on his chest slightly lifted.

  
\---

  
It's almost been a full 24 hours since Josh last did blow and he was already starting to lose it. He couldn't stop moving, whether it be fidgeting on his bed or pacing the room or pulling at his hair hoping the pain will make the irritation stop.

  
“Brendon please let me go see Rami,” Josh says for the millionth time, scratching his arm hard enough to leave red marks. “I can't do this, it’s too hard.”

  
“You brought this on yourself.” Brendon tells him from the chair he’s sitting in, so obviously tired.

  
“Fuck. Fuck, you don't know what this feels like, it’s gonna kill me.” Josh sits down, his knee bouncing up and down as he chews on his lip.

  
He was sweating way too much too, the shirt he was wearing practically clinging to his skin. He feels as though his mind is attacking him, the demons that are usually gone when he’s high coming back stronger than ever.

  
“Where’s my phone? I’ll make him come here, I swear to God.” Josh threatens, already up and searching for his jacket where he thought his phone was.

  
“I have your phone. You’re not going anywhere.” Brendon yawns, stifling it in his hand.

  
“As soon as you fucking crash, I'll be out of here and you won't see me again,” Josh warns, the mania from being away from his drug getting to him. “You _won’t_.”

  
“I’m not going to crash as long as you’re like this.” Brendon snaps, getting up and pacing along with him.

  
Josh yells in frustration, throwing his hands in the air. “I don't understand how you think this will help me!”

  
“Do you remember before we graduated they made us watch The Basketball Diaries to show us what drugs can do to you and warned us how easy it is to access them in college?” Brendon reminds him, shoving a finger into his chest. “ _You_ told me that people who reach that type of low deserved all the help they can get because no one deserves to feel that alone.”

  
“So what? Wow, I said something because I felt bad for Leonardo DiCaprio, hold it against me why don't you?” Josh snaps, sitting on his bed and groaning.

  
“I’m telling you because next thing you know your stupid ass will be doing heroin.” Brendon shrugs. “I’m stopping you before you reach that low.”

  
“Fuck you!” Josh snarls suddenly, Brendon’s eye roll making him grab his pillow and throw it at him full force. “How dare you accuse me of that? Do you really think that low of me? You don't know anything!”

  
“Whatever.”

  
Josh huffs, lying down on his bed and grabbing his other pillow. “I’m going to try and sleep. Don't talk to me.”

  
After a few minutes of Josh shifting and sighing, he does end up falling asleep, his body physically relaxing. Brendon almost forgets the circumstances of their situation for a second, leaning his hand into his palm.

  
He was tired, way tired to be honest. Finding your best friend passed out outside does that to a person. He smacks his cheek repeatedly trying to keep himself awake, checking the time and seeing it’s only half past 7. It was going to be a long few days, he thinks sadly. How the hell was he supposed to stay awake that long and make sure Josh doesn't leave?

  
His phone buzzes and he jumps in surprise.

  
tyler twinkseph: _are you in your room?_

  
Brendon tilts his head, answering yes quickly and wondering why he cared. Most students had went back home today for the holidays, including Tyler from what Patrick had told him a few days prior.

  
He hears a knock at his door and is up in an instant, the distraction waking him up again. He looks over at Josh to make sure he’s still asleep and walks over to answer it.

  
What he definitely didn't expect to see was Tyler with a bag full of Taco Bell and a pack of redbull in his arms.

  
“Hey.”

  
“You're a lifesaver.” Brendon smiles despite himself, taking the bag from him and opening the door wide.

  
Tyler walks in, setting the redbull pack down and heading straight toward Josh. His mouth twists down in discontent and his hand reaches out to touch his forehead, gently weaving into his sweat-filled hair.

  
“What’s wrong with him?” Tyler whispers, voice croaky and sad.

  
“Withdrawal.” Brendon keeps it simple, he doesn't want to confuse Tyler with all the details at once.

  
“Shit man, he’s only on cocaine, right? Nothing harder than that?” Tyler pulls away from Josh as Brendon reaches into the Taco Bell bag for a burrito.

  
“Nah, he’s okay. Or he will be,” Brendon assures him, taking a bite and swallowing quickly. “He just needs to get it out of his system.”

  
“You were going to watch him on your own for days on end?” Tyler says angrily, putting his hands on his hips. “You could have asked for help.”

  
“Oh excuse the fuck out of me,” Brendon glares, his patience wearing thin due to his lack of sleep. “I found him unconscious this morning and made the split second decision to do this. Sorry for not inviting you.”

  
“Sorry, sorry,” Tyler apologizes immediately. “I’ve just been feeling so off all day, like I knew something was wrong with him.”

  
“Soulmate level shit.” Brendon grabs a can of redbull and pops it open, taking a huge swig of it.

  
Tyler sighs. “As soon as he’s better I’m going to ask him out.”

  
Brendon chokes on his food, grabbing his drink to stop it.

  
“You're going to do what now?” Brendon’s shock is evident in his voice and Tyler smiles.

  
“I came out to my brothers and sister earlier,” Tyler beams proudly. “They told me it was okay. They’re opinions were the only ones that mattered to me at this point so I don't give a fuck anymore. My parents can go straight to hell for all I care, you know? I’m not scared anymore. I love Josh and I think I'm finally ready to be with him.”

  
“Wow man, I'm proud of you.” Brendon grins, reaching his fist out for Tyler to bump.

  
“Hey, I'm just gonna go to my room and get something real quick. I forgot it when I left earlier.” Tyler says while getting up and leaving, leaving the door open.

  
When Tyler comes back with a black notebook in hand, Brendon raises an eyebrow questioningly. Tyler’s face heats up as he sits down next to him.

  
“It’s my songbook. I write my lyrics in here,” Tyler explains, holding onto the book tight. “It makes me feel better, I guess.”

  
“Cool, can I see it?”

  
Tyler looks like he wants to shout _no_ and bolt out of the room, but even with the war going on in his head he thrusts the book into Brendon’s waiting hand, looking away quickly. Brendon takes that as his cue that he’s just embarrassed about someone looking at his stuff, he knows how personal writing can get so he doesn't blame him.

  
The first lyrics that pop up at him is the song Alex had read at the campfire. Trees. He flips the page and his eyes land on the lyrics _I want to know, I want to see, I want to be with you when I am weak_ and flips the page again.

  
_Sometimes I live for you, for them and there's times I could care less_.

  
Brendon flips to another page.

 _  
I wanna be a lot of things, so much pent up inside of me_  
_I wanna be stronger, too long I've sat here undecidedly_  
_Planning strategy, half of me knows it's all just a fallacy_  
_Failing miserably, drastically and then I crash dramatically_  
_Into a wall I've hit a hundred times before_  
_And yet I still ignore the dark red blood stains on the floor_  
_And I'm back in front of you, Lord, with the blood on the floor_  
_Is the blood mine or yours? Don't wanna do this anymore_

  
He skims down the page, mouth dry and ignoring the anxious waves rolling off of Tyler.

  
_Can you wash me, can you drown me, please?_

 _  
Every time I feel selfish ambition_ _is taking my vision_  
_My crime is my sentence, repentance is taking commission_  
_It's taking a toll on my soul, I'm screaming submission and_  
_I don't know if I am dying or living_  
_'Cause I will save a face for name's sake take aim to obtain a new name in a newer place_

  
Brendon looks at Tyler.

  
“Are you okay?”

  
The question is genuine, caring to the point that Tyler wants to erase the fact he showed Brendon the book from history. He nods numbly.

  
“I’m alright.”

  
“You aren't alone, my guy,” Brendon tells him, closing the book. “I may not like you much, but you can talk to me. I'm a great listener, if anything.”

  
“Thanks.” Tyler mumbles and Brendon takes that as a _fuck you, let’s drop the subject_ moment.

  
“Do you know how you'll sing these? I mean, they're songs, right?”

  
“Some of them, yeah. Others not so much.” Tyler responds, tapping onto his book.

  
“You should rap.” Brendon nods, like Tyler should have thought about this already.

  
“Rap?” Tyler questions incredulously. He looks at Brendon confused, silently asking him to elaborate.

  
“You’re kidding, right?” Brendon deadpans, waving at him dramatically. “You rap, like, super well, dude. It’s a talent. Put it to good use.”

  
Tyler stays silent after that, thinking about Brendon’s words as the boy across them sleeps the night away. Of course, the silence doesn't last long and neither does Josh’s peaceful demeanour because after a few minutes, he’s writhing in the bed restlessly. Tyler lurches forward and Brendon’s at his side in seconds, looking down at him.

  
“Stop, stop,” Josh mutters. Then more forceful. “Fuck, no, no no no, please.”

  
“Josh,” Tyler grabs his arm, gently shaking him. Josh continues mumbling painfully to himself and he shakes him again. “Wake up, J.”

  
Josh’s eyes snap open, feverish and panicked and when he sees Tyler, he yells.

  
“No!” Josh turns away, his chest heaving breaths. “Make it stop!”

  
“Josh, calm down, it’s just us.” Brendon soothes, reaching out to touch his cheek and Josh flinches.

  
Josh stutters nonsense, getting up and throwing his sweaty shirt off his body. His body glistens with sweat, a whimper falling from his lips when Tyler’s _it’s okay_ makes its way to his ears.

  
“You're not here,” Josh’s voice breaks as he fists his hands in the sheets, eyes wide. “You’re not real.”

  
“I’m right here,” Tyler insists, trying to ease his mind. He places a hand on Josh’s cheek, running his thumb along his cheekbone. “Can you feel that?”

  
“I’m crazy. I'm so fucking crazy,” Josh jerks away, body shaking. “You’re not real, you're not real, you're not real.”

  
Josh repeats it over and over, like a broken record and Tyler doesn’t know what to do so he looks to Brendon for help or guidance or _something_.

  
“Listen to me, he’s real, okay?” Brendon assures him and Josh sobs, shaking his head frantically.

  
“No, he's not real.” Josh begs Brendon to believe him and Tyler turns away for a second to blink the tears from his eyes. “I can't do this.”

  
“You're doing so good, J.” Brendon praises quietly, voice shushed.

  
“Why are you guys doing this to me? What have I done to deserve _this?_ ” Josh shouts, his voice raising with each word and Tyler jumps at the ferocity of it.

  
“Nothing, you're going to get better.” Tyler says weakly, no emotion behind that voice of his.

  
Josh laughs, crazy and short. “I need something to kill me,”

  
“Josh, stop it—”

  
“I'm so fucking tired of taking my own life.” Josh groans and grabs at his hair, tears staining themselves on his cheeks. “I’m so tired, make it _stop_.”

  
“It'll be better in a few days, Joshua.” Brendon uses his best assertive tone, his entire body tensing up. Josh’s head snaps up at his full name.

  
“Will it?”

  
A whisper that floats in the air like poison to the other two boys. Will it be better in a few days? They don't know that for sure. They don't know if this is the best idea they've done and they surely don't know how badly Josh is suffering right now either.

  
“I can't take this.” Josh grabs at Brendon’s shirt, pulling him closer desperately. “My mind is fucking killing itself, I'm gonna lose it. Text Rami and tell him to bring me my fix _now!_ ”

  
“No.” Brendon growls just as meanly and Josh recoils back into his sheets, letting him go. He lays on his back, staring at the ceiling.

  
“How can either of you say you love me when you're putting me through this torture? Do you enjoy watching me _suffer?_ ” Josh digs his nails into his palms, trying to forget how badly he’s missing the familiar feeling of euphoria from his highs. “How can you take away my main source of happiness? How can you take away my solution to the pain I feel every fucking day? If you love me—”

  
“Shut up, it doesn't work that way.” Brendon snaps and Tyler nods, backing him up.

  
“I hate you! I hate you both!” Josh cries, twisting the sheets beneath his fingers and arching up off the bed, distressed. “God, fuck my life. Fuck this so hard.”

  
“I’m sorry.” Tyler tells him softly. Seeing him like this makes the suffocating feeling come back, pressing into his chest hard and not backing down.

  
“Go to hell!”

  
\---

  
It lasts like that for a few days, Brendon and Tyler taking shifts and rotating between watching Josh to make sure he doesn't leave. Josh doesn't look like he’s getting any better and his panic attacks have gotten worse, but he’s been eating.

  
At least he’s not too sick to not let himself eat whatever Tyler or Brendon give him.

  
They don't know if they're helping, though. Josh cries a lot, more than Brendon thought he would and he begs and tells them how horrible he feels and how he wants to die repeatedly.

  
Tyler had been looking through his songbook and saw unfamiliar messy writing in one of the pages. Once he takes a closer look, he realizes he had written a bunch of question marks at the top of the page to symbolize the title and Josh had replied to it, an arrow pointing to his word of choice.

  
_Anathema._

  
He looks up the word when Josh is asleep.

  
_a : one that is cursed by ecclesiastical authority and accompanied by excommunication._  
_b : someone or something intensely disliked or loathed—usually used as a predicate nominative._  
_c : a person or thing accursed or consigned to damnation or destruction._

  
After that, Tyler holds Josh’s hand until he wakes up and starts freaking out again, telling him he isn't real. He’s left wondering for the thousandth time if they were actually helping him or not.

  
This is what they do in rehab, right? They force the drug out of the patient's system and then they rehabilitate them. The only difference was Brendon and Tyler weren't doctors so they had no fucking clue what they were doing.

  
But then Josh just kind of… stops. He stops talking, stops shaking, stops yelling at them. It all just stops and they think, shit they've done it, they really, really did it.

  
Brendon is reluctant to let him leave the room to see Rami, but Josh insists that he should tell his boyfriend he’s done with drugs in person.

  
Josh doesn't come back that day.

  
That’s not even what hurt the most, Brendon decides. It’s the fact Josh keeps on stringing him along and only speaking to him when it's convenient for him even though Brendon tries so fucking hard to be the best friend Josh deserves. So he does his own thing for a bit and Josh does his. He hopes to any God that Josh stays away from Rami’s drugs, for his own sake.

  
Until Tyler crushes that entire mindset, the one where Josh was more than just the drugs he had to take and the one where he could overcome anything.

  
“I was out with Jenna before she left to go home and we saw Rami and Josh.” He’s explaining and Brendon perks up instantly at the mention of Josh. “He was high, Brendon.”

  
“Oh.” Brendon frowns and slumps down in the chair.

  
“I told Rami about it, you know. Since he’s his dealer and all. I asked him how he’s okay with this. With Josh being the way he is,” Tyler sighs and pets Donnie to soothe himself. “He told me he knows. Can you believe him? He told me he knows Josh is a little out of control and that he's giving most his supply to Josh and he’s losing money. The pretentious prick.”

  
“Okay, and?” Brendon presses, not really caring about Tyler’s inside feud with Rami.

  
“And he told me he’s been trying to cut him off, to ease him up off the drug and bring him back to softer shit, like weed.” Tyler snorts, the cat sitting in his lap. “But Josh won't and I'm like no shit, honey. Josh is a certified cokehead.”

  
“This is all so fucked up.” Brendon chokes out because he can't do this anymore.

  
“Yeah.” Tyler replies quietly and the silence engulfs them like shadows on the wall. They sit in silence for what feels like hours.

  
Josh makes an appearance then, hair covered in a beanie and tossing his jacket aside before he notices Tyler and Brendon so close to each other.

  
“What the fuck is this?” Josh demands, eyeing the two of them. “Are you two fucking now?”

  
“ _No_ , are you out of your mind?” Tyler answers and picks up the cat to put him on the floor.

  
“Why the fuck are you here?” Josh points at him accusatorily, glare only matching the frown on his face.

  
“I came to tell Brendon something.” Tyler says softly, looking over at Brendon. The boy’s face looked blank and Tyler couldn't decipher any emotion.

  
“Josh, you have a serious problem.” Brendon speaks up, getting up from his seat and dusting off his pants.

  
“No I don't.” Josh snorts, even though they both know he does. He just doesn't care.

  
“Rami is even worried about you,” Tyler starts and Josh lifts a hand to stop him.

  
“Fuck you, don't bring him into this, you ignorant—”

  
“Tyler, can you give us a sec?” Brendon talks over Josh’s angry rambling and he stops speaking. Tyler looks like he wants to cry as he nods and leaves the room, leaving Brendon face to face with Josh.

  
“I love you, Josh,” Brendon sighs, a hand reaching for the back of his neck. “But I can't do this again. I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself anymore. I’ve tried to help you and be there for you, but I'm not going to support this. I never will.”

  
He gestures between them helplessly, letting the sadness show on his face for once and Josh feels his eyes water.

  
“I’ve had to watch you be broken before and you can't expect me to hang around and pick up the pieces again, not with this.” Brendon chokes up, clenching his fist. “I don't even know if you're alive half the time.”

  
He steps closer to his best friend. “I don't even know who you are anymore, Josh. I don’t know who this person you’ve become is. So, this is the alternative; you get clean or I'm done. I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore than I have.”

  
“You’re leaving me?” Josh whispers, voice cracked and hurt. Brendon looks at the ground, wondering when exactly things went to shit this badly.

  
“If you continue like this, I guess so.” He looks back at Josh, who has tears in his eyes and his jaw clenched.

  
“You’re leaving me.” A statement. Fact. It hurts both boys to have it in the air.

  
Brendon tries to ignore the thumping of his heart in his chest, the pain sprouting in it all the more hurtful when he realizes Josh made his choice already.

  
“You don't even want to try.” Brendon swallows the lump in his throat and clears it. “Okay. Well. I guess this is it for us, man.”

  
Josh stays frozen in place, his face twisting up into something unreadable as his eyes blink away tears.

  
“I wish you the best,” Brendon’s voice comes out robotic, monotonous. He never thought this would happen between him and Josh. Never in a million years. “I'll always be here if you need it, but um, yeah. I’m sorry.”

  
Josh licks his lips, nods once, then twice and turns to get his jacket. He shrugs it on, walking toward the door before he turns back to Brendon, eyes soft and caring.

  
“I’m so sorry,” Josh tells him. “I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough. You don't deserve this and I don't blame you for your decision.”

  
Brendon’s nodding before he’s walking forward and enveloping his best friend— _his_ Josh into a bone crushing hug, squeezing him against him and taking in his musky scent.

  
“I wish this could have ended up differently.” Brendon whispers into his ear and Josh nods, pulling away.

  
“Me too.”

  
And then he’s out the door, making the decision to choose an addiction over their friendship.

  
Brendon doesn't cry. Tyler doesn't ask what happened when he comes back into the room.

  
The silence in the room mocks them, it mocks Brendon as he reaches into his drawer to pull out a joint.

  
He stares at it and tilts his head, disgusted. Drugs just ruined his and Josh’s friendship and here he was turning to weed to help him feel better. The irony makes him fucking sick. Wordlessly, he lights it and brings it to his lips.

  
He closes his eyes and exhales.


	18. This time baby, and I think that I'll be just fine (I wish I could say the same for you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> triggers, my friends: there's a pretty legit od scene and I'm not giving anything away but if you wanna skip the first part, go ahead. 
> 
> This is the last official chapter. :)

When Josh reaches the frat without a problem, the party still going even though half the students have left to go home, he searches for Rami.

  
_Don’t_ , his subconscious is begging him, but he’s ignoring that part of himself and listening to the devil on his shoulder telling him to _do it, do it Josh, nobody cares about you anyway_.

  
He shakes his head and walks up the stairs two at a time, trying to get to the room quicker.

 _  
No one wants anything to do with a pathetic drug addict_.

  
He reaches the door and searches his pockets for his keys, fumbling around with shaking fingers until he finally unlocks the door and slips inside.

  
_You’re so worthless, Josh. All you do is ruin lives. If poor Brendon couldn't handle you, who the hell will?_

  
He sees Rami filling his backpack with a bunch of shit, most likely for people he’s going to sell to later and he whines childishly to get his attention.

  
“Hey Josh,” Rami greets him, a soft smile on his face. “You good?”

  
_Go on, you pathetic fuck. Beg him for more_.

  
“No, I need to take the edge off.” Josh’s tongue is numb in his mouth, repeating the words Rami told him when he first gave him cocaine.

  
“Josh, baby, listen,” Rami walks over to him and makes him sit down on the bed. “You need to slow down, okay? This isn't healthy. I know I give you what you want, but you need to calm down. I’m giving more to you than I'm selling these days, alright. I can't afford that any longer. Just smoke some weed and chill.”

  
_Your own boyfriend is denying you now. Good going, you waste of space._

  
“I have to go do some deals, I'll be back later.” He pats Josh’s cheek affectionately before picking up his backpack and slinging it across his shoulders.

  
Rami isn't even out of the room a minute before Josh is up and shoving things out of the way, looking for hiding spaces, places where Rami is sure to keep his hidden stashes.

  
_That’s right, look for it. No one would care if you fucking disappeared, Joshieboy._

 _  
Cheat on him again while you're at it, one last fuck up for you to cause before you go_.

_Break his heart, like Tyler broke yours._

He walks into the bathroom, breath coming out too fast as he opens drawers and finds a secret compartment wedged between the wood.

  
_Ohh, there's the jackpot, baby. Use it. Use it and make yourself feel good_.

  
Josh nods to his thoughts and picks up the small white-powder filled bag, dumping some along the counter. He grabs the razor Rami kept stashed away and parts it into 4 equal lines before pulling out a crumpled up one dollar bill from his pocket and rolling it up.

  
_Fucking do it, do something right and get rid of yourself, you pathetic fucking faggot_.

  
Josh leans down and snorts the lines, closing his eyes shut tightly as though that would make this entire situation better before he’s done. He opens them and wipes under his nose, getting rid of the excess white powder.

 _  
Good boy, such a good boy. Do more, do more and don't stop_.

  
So, he does, lining up 4 more lines and leaning down before finishing up the bag with 3 more. It's not enough. Fuck, it's not enough, he needs more to feel better, to feel good, to _forget_.

  
This wasn't working and he looks at himself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot and dark circles surrounding the underside of them, his lack of sleep making him look more like a skeleton than himelf. He's frowning at his reflection and he hates what he sees staring back at him. He hates himself, hates who he’s become so fucking much that he can't help it when he pulls his fist back and punches the mirror, shards cracking and falling to the floor.

  
It doesn't hurt at all. His hand is numb and bleeding, small glass shards stuck in it, but he doesn't feel it. He just stares at the blood pooling at his fingers, small droplets falling onto the white floor and painting it red with a look of wonder on his face.

  
Shrugging it off like it’s nothing major, he leaves the room on the hunt for more coke and it’s really not that hard to find, not when half these people, these _frat bros_ , are users too.

  
“Hey!” Josh calls over to someone on the second floor, his buddy doing blow next to him. “You got any to spare? I’ll give you money.”

  
“Nah man, no money,” The guy slings an arm over his shoulders and pulls him over to the table. “Free shit, brother. Yo carrotcake, start him up with 3.”

  
Josh is confused before he realizes the kid he’d been talking to is ginger and he starts laughing, harder than he should be at the crude joke. He gets pushed forward and then the lines are there, in front of him and holy fuck, this is it. He hears the dudes saying how _sick_ his bleeding hand is and he ignores them, focuses on this defining moment of whether or not he finally lets himself go and rids himself of the pain.

  
_Do it_.

  
Without a second thought, he leans down and snorts the first line. His thoughts are jumbled and confused, probably warning him that he was fucking things up again, but he can't bring himself to care. Not anymore. It's only once he’s halfway down the second line that his body spasms and starts stinging, an electrified feeling pulsing through him as though it wants to yell at him for being so stupid.

His breath catches and he's not sure if his body is just straight up starting to shut down or if he's overreacting yet.

  
With wide eyes, he excuses himself and stumbles shakily back up to the third floor and to his room, falling to the floor once he's made it inside and clutching at his stomach.

  
The pain explodes in his veins, the feeling of being torn apart making him yell in shock, but he stops short on a groan, moving his other hand to his damp, sweat filled forehead. He feels his body overheating as he shivers, his heart beating irregularly, the slow beat of it making his panic rise up.

The thought that he’s actually going to die hits him in full force.

  
He crawls to Rami’s trash can and throws up, vomiting all the fluids in his stomach and starts crying. He’s begging God to let him go, not to make him suffer through his death because he’s suffered enough, but as the shiver rolls up his spine again and the pain in his head grows, he knows he’s not getting the easy way out.

  
When he assumes he’s done retching, he leans back, his head resting against the cool metal of the bedframe and he takes deep breaths to try and calm himself. It's a bit ironic that he's going to be alone when he dies, surrounded by strangers downstairs. He was right after all; he wasn't meant to do anything good in this world. His life had no meaning and no one would care if he died. People would move on in a few days and live life without him.

  
He is the definition of unimportant.

  
So why in the fuck is he sitting here dying and thinking about Tyler? Why did Tyler have to come back into his life and make him feel like he was worth something again, like he was the most important thing in the world just to break him down to this mess? Why did his last thought have to be about how he fucking loves him?

He loves him so much that he has to let him know, one last time, that what they had was good for the time they had it.

  
It’s too bad Josh wasn't enough; he’ll never be enough for anyone again.

  
He reaches for his phone and blindly looks for the contact he needs, clicking on what he thinks is his boys name and waiting. He waits and waits, shaking and afraid until a confused voice finally answers. He's not sure what to say, his heartbeat pounding against his temples while he holds his breath and shakes so violently the phone falls from his hands, clattering unceremoniously onto the wood floor.

  
He reaches for it, bringing it to his ear again and purses his lips.

  
“Oh God,” He says into the phone, voice as scared as he feels. “I’m dying—oh fuck, I'm dying. I’m so sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to happen,” Josh coughs, lungs rattling in his chest. “I'm going to die. Oh my God, Tyler, I don't want to die.”

  
He’s sobbing, clutching the phone tightly, so he won't drop it again.

  
“I could have been happy with Rami. I swear I could have, but you wouldn't let me go, you didn't let me move on and—I love you, I hate that I still love you and I won't ever stop and—and, fuck, I'm glad I'm going to die loving you because—oh God,” He convulses, groaning at the pain his body feels. “Because it's still worth it. God help me, it's still worth it. Fuck, Tyler, tell my mom I loved her, okay? And that—that I'm so sorry I couldn't be the man she thought I'd become.”

  
He blinks and suddenly everything is swirling around him, closing in on him so quickly he barely has time to whimper, afraid and suffocated before he shuts his eyes to stop the images surrounding him.

  
“I just wanted to numb the pain,” He slurs, already feeling weaker. “The demon in my head won our battle. He won and I'm dying, fuck, I didn't—I never thought I'd want to be alive again, but—”

  
He opens his eyes and cries, his tears burning tracks on his cheeks. “I want to stay alive so bad, I have so much left to do, there’s a million things I haven't done and—” He gasps, his heart stuttering. “I can't _breathe_.”

  
His eyes slip closed as he slides down to the floor, cheek resting on of the cool tile, a weak attempt to stop the fire he feels in his veins while shivering and being so fucking aware of the painful feeling of it.

  
“I’m sorry.” He whispers and he thinks this is okay. This is fine. He accepts the fact he’s going to die and this is what he wanted for so long, for _so long_ , even though he doesn't want it right now.

  
He drops the phone, letting it slip through his fingers. Ignoring the shouts on the other end, he let’s the darkness consume him.

  
\---

  
Brendon and Tyler sit in the hospitals waiting room for what feels like hours.

After Josh accidentally called Brendon instead of Tyler, this entire nightmare of a day became so much more real. It was a good thing Brendon was with Tyler, who immediately called an ambulance and sent it over to the frat they both knew Josh was at, but when Josh had stopped talking to him, Brendon honestly felt like a part of him died. He was trying to get him to talk again, to speak to him, so he can memorize his voice like it’s the first time he was hearing it. Or in this case, his last.

  
Josh didn't reply, but he got to the hospital and they pumped his stomach from what Brendon knew and they were trying to help him.

Josh would be okay, he had to be.

  
The first hour was the worst for Brendon. He had a panic attack for the first time and although he was surrounded by doctors and nurses, all he could think was _holy shit, this is what Josh feels like every time he has one_ and he burst into tears, like the pathetic, over dramatic piece of shit he is.

  
Granted, the situation called for it, so he didn't beat himself up too much over it when he calmed down and let Tyler help him up.

  
When Josh’s mother walked up to them and Brendon got up to hug her, letting her cry herself dry against his shoulder, he felt like he’d broken every single promise he made to her. He didn't take care of Josh for her; he did the exact opposite.

  
Before he could wallow and sink further into his self pity filled hole, a doctor walks up to them and tells them Josh is stable, that he’s okay and he’ll be awake in a few hours at most. He advises them that only family be in the room with him right now and _maybe_ if he’s feeling up to it when he wakes up, friends can go in and show their support, but not to overwhelm him.

  
“Please update me.” Brendon begs Laura, who squeezes his hand reassuringly, her soft eyes showing complete understanding.

  
“Of course.”

  
They wait and wait, Tyler nor Brendon saying a word to each other. Tyler bursts into tears a couple of times and Brendon pats him on the back soothingly, but the silence helps more than words ever could.

  
Until Rami walks through the door, flowers in his hand and catches their eyes. He walks up to them and Tyler shakes his head, bloodshot eyes narrowing his way.

  
“We don't want you here. You clearly don't give a fuck about him.”

  
“It’s not worth it, Tyler.” Rami replies tiredly. Brendon glares at him and he sighs. “Look, I’m not the bad guy here, okay? You guys can blame me all you want, but I was the one there for Josh. I tried to keep Josh under control the best I could, I hid my fucking stash from him and you know what? If it wasn't for me, he would have ended up like this a lot sooner.”

  
“Josh being fucked up on drugs and finding _some_ sort of happiness was better than him being depressed and wanting to take his life, which is something he’s expressed to me multiple times.” Rami stops to look around the room and back at them. “I do love Josh, alright? Maybe not in the same way either of you do, but he and I have something different and it isn't healthy, sure, but I was just trying to keep him happy. I was trying to keep Josh alive and you both should thank me for that instead of attacking me for it.”

  
“You're still the reason he’s here,” Tyler snaps, getting up and crossing his arms. “You're the dealer who gave him his supply. Don't victim blame yourself, you're the villain in this story.”

  
“You’re so quick to judge me because I sell drugs, Tyler. You don't know the half of it.” Rami lowers his voice, intimidating. “My dad is dying. He’s got stage 4 terminal cancer and I'm trying to pay my way through school so I can make something of myself, all while simultaneously trying to help my mom pay for my dad's medical bills.”

  
“I don't want my mom to worry about money, okay? I don't want her to worry anymore than she has to because she’s already a fucking wreck as it is and if I can help in any way, you're damn right I will.” Rami shrugs, meeting Tyler's eyes. “Selling drugs gets the job done. I wish—” He stops and bites his lip, shaking his head. “I wish I could stay and see Josh, but I can't. I can't do this. I can't see him in the same state my dad is in, I’ve spent too many fucking hours trapped in these rooms I really can't take much more of it.”

  
He thrusts the flowers into Brendon’s hands and though he was being unusually quiet, Rami chooses to speak directly at him. “Tell him those are from me and that I’m sorry.”

  
Tyler is speechless when Rami turns and walks out on them, sitting back down in his chair with a _well shit_ expression on his face.

  
“I feel like such an asshole.” Tyler says after a few minutes of not talking.

  
Brendon snorts. “Well everyone already knows you're an asshole, Tyler.”

  
A laugh bursts it’s way out of Tyler’s throat and he covers his mouth instantly, a smile still resting on his lips as his eyes widen.

  
Brendon shrugs and smiles back.

  
\---

  
As soon as Brendon walks into Josh’s room, body shaking from all the stress, but trying to be strong for his friend, Josh smiles sadly over at him, like he knows how hard this is for him. He has tubes and IVs stuck in his arms, one attached to his nose to help him breathe better and he even has a heart monitor going.

It was just overall heartbreaking to see and Brendon kind of just wants to turn around and hightail it out of there, best friend be damned.

  
Of course, he could never do that and the thought he wanted to makes him revolted with himself. Instead, he and Josh have a stare down going and he wasn't going to lose.

  
“I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.” Josh rasps out when he blinks, watching Brendon sit down next to him and grab his hand. He sets the flowers Rami got him down on the table next to him.

  
“As soon as you're released, I'm punching you straight in the nose. Fucking _asshole_.”

  
“That’s fair.” Josh chuckles, then groans.

  
“Shut up,” Brendon glares at him and squeezes his hand tight. “I literally tell you I'm done and less than 24 hours later you've landed yourself in a hospital. You fucking _idiot_ , I could kill you myself.”

  
“You were my worst breakup.” Josh jokes weakly, then sighs. “I’m sorry Brendon, I know. I _know_ , okay? I'm going to go to rehab.”

  
“You have no idea how worried I was, Josh. I'm so glad you're okay.” Brendon’s voice cracks and he leans forward to lay his forehead on Josh’s shoulder. “It’s scary finding your best friend close to death.”

  
Josh is quiet, thinking. “I hope you don't expect me to thank you for that because I never will. I thought I was going to die and I accepted it, even if it was the scariest thing I've ever had to go through. Being alive after that? Some life changing shit, B.”

  
“Really?” Brendon scoffs and looks up at him. “Almost dying is life changing? Who would have thought? I should try it sometime.”

  
Josh starts laughing and winces. “Don't make me laugh, it hurts.”

  
“Sorry,” Brendon apologizes, looking at him worriedly. “Tyler is outside.”

  
“He’s here?” Josh whispers, eyes widening and trying to to get up, the heart monitor raising in beats. Brendon pushes him back down.

  
“Yes, but I don't think you should see him just yet.”

  
“Why not?” Josh demands, letting go of his best friends hand.

  
“Josh, do you really think it's the best idea to see him after you almost died? Especially after you expected to talk to him for the last time?” Brendon shrugs, leaning back and crossing his arms.

  
Josh considers this and sags lower into his bed.

  
“You didn't call him, by the way. It was me. Definitely tragic because I ruined your Romeo and Juliet moment.” He stops and looks at Josh’s heart monitor, all forms of humour vanishing from his face. “In all seriousness, he is worried about you, though.”

  
In Josh’s head he sees their meeting going all wrong, with tears and regrets and words that'll hurt being exchanged. He sighs and he's pretty sure his heart skips a beat at the thought of Tyler worrying about him outside this room.

  
“You’re right. I should—I don't know.” He leans his head back on the bed. “I should get clean first. Get myself back together, focus on building myself back up. Love myself and all that shit.”

  
“Yeah,” Brendon agrees. “Text him, though. When they give you your phone back. He understands the fact you wouldn't want to see him.”

  
“Brendon, I'm so grateful for you and I'm sorry I wasn't acting like it,” Josh says sincerely, reaching for him again. They interlock their fingers. “I wanted to ask you for help, but I didn't know _how_. And then I thought it was too late and gave up on myself.”

  
“Hey, it's okay.” Brendon shushes him with a grin. “Turns out you can't get rid of me that easily.”

  
Josh starts crying and for the first time in a while it’s out of happiness.

  
\---

  
It takes Josh 6 months to get clean. 4 of those months stuck in a rehab center which he hated more than anything and 2 stuck at home with his mom watching him like a hawk.

  
Brendon does end up punching him when he gets released, only he misses his nose and ends up giving Josh a pretty nifty black eye. Them the breaks, Josh figures.

  
When he’s finally discharged from the rehab center and goes home, he can't help his happiness. He’d missed his own bed and his own room so much. Not to mention his mother's home cooked meals.

  
Josh texts Tyler once he’s out of the hospital and Tyler checks up on him at least once a week to make sure he’s okay. It makes Josh happy.

  
Rami and him break up on a positive note and decide to stay friends, wishing each other the best. _All I ever wanted was for you to be happy_ , Rami had said. _Tyler makes you happy. I get it now._

  
“Bro, not having you at school sucks,” Brendon whines from the beanbag chair at the corner of Josh’s room. “But having your car is dope, so thanks.”

  
“It’s not like I'm gonna use it.” Josh rolls his eyes. Then, more loudly, “Do you have any weed?”

  
“I thought you were in rehab.” Brendon snickers, pulling out a bong and his lighter from his backpack.

  
“Yeah I was,” Josh nods, a grin forming on his face. “I figured I’d get the first relapse out of the way.”

  
It's a stupid joke and if his mom heard him say it he'd be so in for it, but when Brendon chokes as he goes to wrap his lips around the pipe after packing the bowl and his lighter flicks shut in his surpise, Josh bursts into laughter in front of him. He grabs the bong and the lighter out of Brendon's hands effortlessly, like this was all secondhand nature by now and he feels his chest fill up with something he hadn't truly felt in a long time.

  
He feels happy.

  
\---

  
When Tyler finally goes and visits Josh it's on Movie Night. Movie Night (trademark) in the Dun household is a sacred thing that shouldn't ever be interrupted.

  
Especially Star Wars Marathon Movie Night.

  
So needless to say when Josh answers the door, his first reaction is to groan because _why_ and because now he’d miss a fundamental amount of Star Wars to talk to Tyler.

  
But then Tyler lunges forward and hugs him tight and Josh thinks _fuck Star Wars_ and hugs him back, burying his face in Tyler’s neck, breathing him in.

  
“Come inside.” Josh tells him, stepping aside. Tyler closes the door behind him, greeting his mom as they walk by to go to his room.

  
“Josh, I'm so glad you're okay.” Tyler says once Josh closes his bedroom door.

  
“Thanks Tyler,” Josh smiles, but there's a wary edge to it. “Why are you really here?”

  
Tyler looks stricken before he composes himself. “I’m here to tell you I love you.”

  
Josh raises an eyebrow.

  
“I love you and I want to be with you.” Tyler tells him and when he lifts his hand up to the back of his neck, Josh spots some new wrist and arm band tattoos on him. “I came out to my family before you—yeah. I was going to ask you out when you were better and you are, so here I am.”

  
Josh laughs and it's such a happy, delightful sound that when he moves forward with a purpose, Tyler can’t help the shock on his face. Josh grabs onto his shirt and pulls him forward, smashing their lips together in a feverish kiss, one that was long overdue. He tilts his head to continue kissing him a little longer and when Josh finally pulls away, Tyler chases his lips, only opening his eyes when Josh chuckles again and steps away.

  
“I love you too,” Josh assures him and Tyler smiles so wide, dimples form on his cheeks. “But this isn't gonna happen.”

  
Everything comes crashing down on Tyler and his smile drops.

  
“What?”

  
“Tyler, I've loved you for so long, you have no idea. I still love you, even now. But I’m not going to be with you again, for my own sake.” Josh explains. “For the longest time I thought I needed you to be happy and it was so unhealthy. It became an obsession, that if you didn't want me I’d spiral down into my depression so much harder than I should.”

  
“What are you saying?” Tyler whispers, eyes shinning.

  
“I’m saying we’re not going to be together again.” Josh states bluntly, looking around his room and smiles. “It’s funny because the first time you rejected me was in this very same room. You remember that, Ty? Now it's my turn to do the same to you.”

  
Josh shakes his head quickly, sighing sadly. “But don't think I regret anything about us. I don't. If I could go back and relive all that pain and all that bullshit again because it would let me be with you, I would.”

  
“It’s sad because through all that heartache and sorrow I felt, I learned how to accept myself and love who I am again. It took sadness to find myself and that’s fucked up, so many kinds of fucked up, but it made me realize that I don't need you to be better. I don't need anyone to help me be better.”

  
“I—” Tyler starts, but Josh shakes his head.

  
“Let me finish, okay? It's not easy for me to do this,” Josh laughs bitterly. “It’s actually so hard because a few months ago this is all I ever wanted. For you to love me back, you know? I should hate you for everything you put me through, but I don't. I really don't. I can't find it in myself to hate you and even though you're always in the back of my mind whenever I do things, like watch Netflix or drum or jack off, at the end of the day I know you aren't good for me.”

  
“I could be.” Tyler insists, stepping closer to him. A small plea of desperation.

  
“Tyler, please.” Josh rolls his eyes, crossing his arms to feign annoyance. “You could be, but you're way too late for that. I love you, but I'm not doing this to myself again.”

  
“Just give me another chance.” Tyler begs and it's pathetic and sad and Josh doesn't want to deal with this.

  
“No.” Josh shrugs. “We can be friends Tyler, but boyfriends? That ship came and went and I don't want to deal with it. In fact, I really don't want a relationship with anyone at this point so don't take it so hard.”

  
Tyler stares at the ground before looking back up at Josh, those brown eyes filled with regret.

  
“Okay, Josh.”

  
“Good luck with songwriting and all that.” Josh adds, sitting on his bed. “Brendon tells me you've started singing and rapping and it's really good.”

  
“Thanks. It’s a work in progress, mostly.” Tyler looks away and scratches his cheek. “I think I'm going to go now.”

  
“You know the way out.” Josh sighs and keeps his eyes on the ground when Tyler shuts the door softly.

  
What Josh hadn’t said was that thinking about Tyler was just as bad as actually being with him all those months ago. He always thinks of the way his smile accentuates his eyes and whenever he wakes up in the morning he thinks how Tyler likes his coffee with two milks and two sugars, sometimes four if he needs a sugar boost and how his favourite dish at Taco Bell is the quesalupa. He can name Tyler’s top 5 favourite songs and whenever he hears them on his phone he can't help wanting to break it and how Donnie (his cat is living with him at home now) will always be a constant reminder of what they had.

  
He also knows Tyler is beating himself up over this, but if Josh knows anything about him, he’ll turn his pain into something beautiful and project it onto others and be overall… good. Josh knows that Tyler has compassion in his heart and is one of the kindest people in the world, but he did what was best for himself, he knows that this is what he needs right now.

  
Letting Tyler go _this_ time was his choice.

  
He loves him and the world sucks for making him have to choose this, but even so, when Josh joins his family downstairs and his mother pats his knee comfortingly and smiles proudly, he knows he made the right decision.

  
Because if you love something, you've gotta let it go and if it was meant to be it'll come back to you, right?

  
Josh hopes so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's the epilogue still left to write but I'm curious: how do you all think I'm going to end this?
> 
> Lets have a laugh, pls share your ideas!!


	19. The distance and the time between us it'll never change my mind ('cause baby, I would die for you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas (happy holidays to those who don't celebrate!), here is my gift to all of y'all. 
> 
> After over a year of writing this it's finally come to an end and I'm really emotional about it. This fic has been mine and Kai's baby and I can't believe it's finally done and out there.
> 
> This story would not have been written if it weren't for Kai; she is the reason I even had the heart to write this and I love her for her amazing ideas and just everything she put into this story.
> 
> Thank you to all of you who commented, even if it was to yell at us; you all made mine and kai's day with them. A million thank you's honestly, I love you guys. 
> 
> Okay, I don't want to keep you all from your (spoiler!) happy ending much longer, so enjoy it. 
> 
> -babs

Josh is 22 years old and he’s honest to God happy he’s alive.

  
He never did go back to college, but he and Brendon were still with eachother almost all the time because they live together now (like no one saw that one coming). He’s seen Brendon grow and mature and he still doesn't take any of Josh’s shit so really, what would Josh have ever done without him?

  
He’s been thinking about moving to New York to start trying to get jobs there and yeah, it upsets Josh a little to have his best friend so far, but he’s also so fucking proud of him.

  
He’s introduced him to a bunch of his new friends too, who in the end got him a drumming gig for a few months with this band called House Of Heroes.

  
It was fun doing what he wanted in front of people and putting on a show. It gave him this feeling inside his chest like _this_ is what he’s meant to be doing, not whatever shit he expected to do straight out of college.

  
Fuck office jobs.

  
So yeah, when House Of Heroes came up to him and were all _heeeey broooo, not to be mean or anything, but like, Colin is back so we’ve gotta let you go_ —Josh felt defeated again.

  
He tried to join other bands, but he just wasn't feeling any of them and didn't put his heart into it. It was aggravating to say the least. His day job sucked, so at least back when he was in HoH he had something to look forward to, you know?

  
After he makes the decision to give up on the drumming thing for a bit, he and his friends decide to go for drinks. Brendon isn't there but it’s fine, he had work and Josh had other friends besides him.

  
One of his friends had invited them all to see him perform with his band one last time before he leaves—he was a drummer too and he and Josh hit it off really well when they met about a month ago when he came into Guitar Center.

  
Chris greeted them at the bar, patting Josh on the back and thanking all of them for coming. Josh is curious to see how his band sounds and if it was anything like his old band, but he just nods excitedly and wishes him good luck.

  
Only when the show starts and Josh glances at the stage, all thoughts about Chris are thrown out the fucking window because Tyler _fucking_ Joseph is standing there, more beautiful than he was all those years ago and Josh is entranced. He’s got his tattooes on display with his tank top and flower robe falling to his elbows as he holds his ukelele and were those _leggings_?

  
Josh is going to drop dead, probably. This was a reoccurring feeling whenever he’s near Tyler, wasn't it?

  
_Bad joke_ , he chastises himself quickly before focusing back on the boy.

  
Tyler looks like he owns the stage, like he was born to be up there, his theatrics enchanting Josh even more and making him bop his head to the beat of the song. He’s so lively and Tyler’s singing about not wanting to fall away and he’s fucking rapping—Josh didn't think it would be this good, no matter how many times Brendon had said it was amazing.

  
“Hey guys,” Tyler’s soft voice speaks into the microphone and Josh’s heart fucking stops. “We’re Twenty One Pilots and it’s my two good friends Chris Salih and Nick Thomas’ last show. They’re both leaving to quote unquote pursue better things.”

  
The crowd starts booing and Tyler chuckles, shaking his head.

  
“No, but really, thanks for everything you guys.” Tyler tells them and the crowd cheers. He turns back to them. “We hope you have a good time and we don't disappoint you; this one is called _Air Catcher_.”

  
Josh loves everything about them, this band, he wishes he knew the lyrics so he can shout along with the crowd.

  
_I won't fall in_  
_Love with falling_  
_I will try to avoid_  
_Those eyes_

  
Josh wants to move closer so that he could watch Tyler better, have a better view of him prancing around on stage, but he thinks better of it and sticks to the back.

“ _I think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest_ ,” Tyler sings and Josh chokes on the sip of his drink he was about to swallow. “ _And the moon just happened to be the very first thing that I missed. I was doing fine on my own and there wasn't much I lacked, but you've stolen my air catcher and I don't know if I want it back_.”

  
The fucking aura the band let's off is one of the most incredible things Josh has ever seen and when the band is done playing, Josh cheers along with the crowd because _holy shit_.

  
The rest of their set goes by so quick, Tyler joking around with Chris and Nick every so often and talking to the crowd like they were all friends.

  
Then he starts playing a song he says is called _Trees_ and Josh knows this song, he knows it from way back then and he holds his breath as the keyboard melody hits his ears. When Tyler starts singing, Josh’s mouth drops open and he shuts it quickly to hide his surprise. It was beautiful, everything about the song was beautiful and Josh can't believe this is how Tyler heard the song in his head when Josh had freaked out on him all those years ago.

  
They lock eyes and Josh holds his gaze, steady and unyielding while Tyler’s widen in surprise, his face shifting into an emotion Josh doesn't let himself believe is actually there. He finishes the song without any mistakes (that Josh can notice anyway) and when the crowd cheers him on, he has the humblest look on his face, bringing a hand to his chest in pure awe.

  
“Thank you,” He says sincerely into the microphone. “We don't deserve this and it's incredible, so thank you so much.”

  
The crowd starts chanting T-O-P and Tyler laughs, waving them off.

  
“Give it up for Chris and Nick,” Tyler claps along with the crowd and they group hug before staring out into the crowd. “We’re Twenty One Pilots and we’ll be hanging around so come say hi.”

  
They bow and get off stage, disappearing for a while before Josh notices crowds gathering around people and conversations being held. He sees Tyler talking to a girl, their focus entirely on each other and what the other is saying before they hug, Tyler looking touched as he pulls away and holds her hands tightly in his own.

  
Josh looks away, the moment seeming private and intimate between the two and he stays where he is, not approaching him until Tyler finally walks over with an unsure, but knowing gaze.

  
“Josh?”

  
“Tyler,” Josh grins and practically feels his own face start to turn red. “You’re incredible.”

  
“I—What?” Tyler says, shocked. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

  
“You are, though.” Josh is nervous, he’s about to start stuttering, he can feel it. “You look good. And sound good.”

  
“Thanks,” Tyler chuckles and then shrugs. “I’m kinda bandless for now.”

  
Josh gives him a questioning look, like Tyler is crazy for even thinking about giving up this band.

  
“No no, not like that,” Tyler assures him. “I just need a drummer or bassist or… something.”

  
“Well, I'm a drummer.” Josh says without thinking and Tyler's head snaps over to him, that unsure look back on his face.

  
“Would you want to…” Tyler’s voice trails off, the unfinished question there, out in the open for the both of them to address or dance around.

  
“When’s your next show?” Josh asks instead, his curiosity getting the best of him.

  
“Next Saturday,” Tyler says quickly, the date of the show at the tip of his tongue. “Funny enough, it’s at OU.”

  
Josh stares at him, biting at his lip. “It’s kinda short notice.”

  
“Yeah, I know.” Tyler nods, looking down at his linked fingers.

  
“I mean I _could_ make it,” Josh looks over at the stage Tyler was just performing on. “I’ll just have to quit my job.”

  
“Josh, what? No!” Tyler places a hand on his arm to get his attention and Josh feels the butterflies in his stomach. He’s a living, breathing god damn cliché. “I can't ask you to do that.”

  
“I hate that place anyway,” Josh assures him, grinning full on. “So, I'm gonna have to learn all your songs in a week. Sick.”

  
Tyler looks at him dumbfounded and then he starts laughing, a melody forming in his laugh alone and Josh has missed him so fucking bad and what are the chances that they would meet again and this would happen to him? To them?

  
“Oh gosh,” Tyler wipes at his eyes. “You are something else, Joshua Dun.”

  
They're close, bodies drifting toward each other by memory.

  
“So I've been told.”

  
Josh doesn't know who leans in first, it happens so fast that when he does feel the gentle press of Tyler’s lips against his own, feeling his light stubble against his face, his eyes slip shut and he relishes in it. He brings a hand to rest on Tyler’s chest, over his heart and he can feel the rapid beat beneath his fingers and smiles into it. Tyler’s hands move to his belt loops, pulling their bodies closer, tongue peeking out and touching Josh's bottom lip slowly, deliberating whether this is okay.

  
Before Josh can open his mouth, they're jumping apart because Chris shouts  _get a room_ to them. Blushing furiously and fumbling out apologies, Tyler grabs Josh’s hand and leads him away, Tyler’s fingers lacing between his own.

  
He didn't know what to expect when Tyler brings him to an empty room, lights flashing and flickering because they were shit with Tyler’s bag lying on a couch.

  
“Fancy.” Josh remarks as Tyler closes the door and locks it.

  
Then they're back to kissing, pulling away occasionally to let out breathless _I missed you’s_ to one another and going back in for more. Josh can't really complain, not when Tyler’s hands are tugging at his hair just right and his tongue is in his mouth and—

  
“I thought I’d never see you again,” Tyler whispers, pressing a kiss into his jaw and Josh feels his knees go weak.

  
“Nah, you aren't that lucky.” Josh says, biting his lip when Tyler starts sucking on his neck.

  
“Really?” Tyler smirks as he pulls away from where he’d been working on his neck. “‘Cause I feel like the luckiest man alive right now.”

  
“Oh, shut up.” Josh rolls his eyes and because Tyler can’t one up him like this, he drops to his knees in front of him.

  
Tyler makes a noise of surprise low in his throat and Josh looks up at him, a slow smirk spreading on his lips.

  
“I always did love your red hair.” Tyler says, threading his fingers through his red curls and Josh leans forward, pressing a kiss to Tyler’s hard-clothed cock.

  
Snaking his hands up Tyler's thighs and to the waistband of his leggings, he doesn't miss the sharp inhale of breath from the boy above him.

  
“When did you start wearing leggings?” Josh pulls them down slowly, eyes not leaving Tyler’s face.

  
“The same day I beat the shit outta my dad for calling me a faggot.” Tyler grins sharply, tightening his fingers in his hair. “Shoulda been there.”

  
“I wish.” Josh looks away and is met with his name above Tyler’s knee. His eyes soften and his heart may burst, but it makes everything so fucking real.

  
He kisses where his name is situated, a bold move for him, mostly a reminder to himself that it was all worth it. He kisses Tyler’s inner thigh, biting down and forming those purple bruises that will appear later for him to marvel at. Tyler’s hand comes to clasp his shoulder for balance, his mouth falling open in a sigh.

  
“Please, Josh.” Tyler whimpers and Josh thinks he’s died and went to heaven.

  
He slips off Tyler’s boxers easily and grips his cock by the base, pumping him a few times before leaning forward and planting a kiss to his slit. His tongue darts out to lick up the precome leaking and Tyler throws his head back, mouth opening slightly.

  
Josh takes pity on him, slipping his lips around him and running down his length, slackening his jaw. He closes his eyes and focuses on the pulling at his hair and the moans above him, the praises falling off Tyler’s lips making his heart thrum like a hummingbird's wings in his chest.

  
When Tyler lets go, spilling into Josh’s mouth with one final moan, Josh feels alive. He sits back on his knees and swallows, Tyler pulling his dick out of his mouth making some of it fall messily onto his chin, but Josh doesn't care. Through half lidded eyes, he lifts his fingers to it, lapping it up and sticking them in his mouth, obscene moans of his own piercing the air.

  
“Josh,” Tyler whispers in awe, pulling him up and wrapping his arms around his neck. “Oh, Josh, baby.”

  
And they're kissing again, little giggles of happiness making them have to pull apart and dive back in, smiles being felt on each other.

  
They crash onto the couch and Josh is suddenly very alert and very aware of what was going to happen. He sits up, ignoring the confused look tossed his way.

  
“Not here,” Josh shakes his head, grabbing Tyler's hands and bringing them to his lips, kissing his knuckles. “Come home with me.”

  
Tyler understands where Josh is coming from, of course he does. He doesn't even need to argue with him because Tyler is already pushing Josh off of him and putting on his boxers and leggings, throwing a devilish smirk his way.

  
He reaches for him, fingers waiting to connect with his own and Josh loves him. He loves this Tyler, the newfound confidence he has for himself endearing enough to leave him speechless.

  
Josh threads his fingers between Tyler’s own, linking them together perfectly as Tyler tugs them out of the room. He explains that he has to help the crew pack up before ditching them, though that doesn't mean Josh isn't important. Josh laughs at the stuttering mess Tyler becomes and kisses one of his rosy cheeks affectionately.

  
“Stop it!” Tyler whines, pouting his lips and it’s so tempting for Josh to just lean forward and press a kiss to them.

  
“Never.”

  
With a indignant huff and a roll of his eyes, Tyler continues packing up the stuff, Josh alongside him helping the time pass by quicker. His mentality is that, if he helps, they'll get to go home faster. Makes sense.

At some point Josh shoots Brendon a text telling him to _get the fuck out of the apartment for the night pls and thx_ and gets the _UR GETTING LAID FOR SURE TODAY!!!!_ text back with a bunch of party emojis.

  
Typical, really.

  
When they pack the last part of the drum kit into the super small white van, Tyler turns to Josh with a fond grin resting on his lips. He’s changed so much and yet he’s still the most beautiful man Josh could ever lay his eyes on. The light stubble peppering his jaw and cheeks, the crinkles by his eyes, the way he’s walking toward Josh with such a dominant demeanour, it makes Josh want to tell him he’s in love with all of it.

  
He opens his mouth to do just that, but Tyler has his arms thrown around him, leaving him no other choice than to rest his hands gently on his waist. He buries his face into his neck, feeling his chest warm up and his senses sing at the familiar scent of _Tyler_.

  
It feels as though they were never apart in the first place.

  
“Take me home, Joshie.” Tyler whispers into his hair and Josh clings to him a second longer before pulling away, intertwining their fingers once more.

  
They start to walk to his apartment, the place not even a 15 minute walk away. Josh had assumed he’d be drinking much more tonight so he hadn't bothered taking his car. He tells Tyler as much and when he throws his head back in a laugh, Josh feels as light as the air around them.

  
“How have you been, Tyler?” Josh asks suddenly, looking at him with concern. “Really. Your songs…”

  
Josh hopes Tyler doesn't go to the default of _I’m fine_ , because he knows that that’s not the case, his lyrics addressing as much. He’s said that shit so many times himself when it was all lies and he can see right through it when others do it, too; it was a curse, honestly, to know when others are hurting, but also knowing what it's like to not want to burden others.

  
“I…” Tyler’s voice trails off as he looks at the ground. “It’s been a rough couple of years.”

  
And that—That’s something Josh gets. He understands where Tyler is coming from and no, he doesn't know what Tyler himself is going through, but the two of them can sympathize with one another on the fact they've both had to go through some shit to get to today.

  
“Was it worth it?” Josh wonders, looking up at the stars in the sky instead of at the way Tyler was looking at him.

  
“Always will be.”

  
When they reach Josh’s apartment complex and they get in the elevator, Josh pressing the 4th floor button, he looks at Tyler expectantly.

  
“What?” Tyler grins, cheeks flushed.

  
“Usually people make fun of this dump me and Brendon live in.” Josh shrugs, that explanation being enough in itself.

  
Their place wasn't that bad, but Josh and Brendon were getting by with barely anything to spend on themselves. Of course, that didn't change the fact they loved this place like they would their own child and really, the rent wasn't all that horrible. Any place would ask the same of them because they were situated in the heart of the city, near their jobs. And besides, just ‘cause it was ugly on the outside didn't mean their personal apartment was the same.

  
“You and Brendon live together, yeah,” Tyler nods. “He told me that.”

  
“He’s not home, don't worry.” Josh flashes him a toothy grin before stepping out of the elevator and getting to their door.

  
Once they enter the room, Josh expected Tyler to pin him to the door and start getting down to business.

He doesn't expect him to look around with a small smile, walking further into the room where his kitchen and living room were attached.

The kitchen was clean for once, a paper resting on their counter with the words _you're welcome, asshole_ printed onto it in messy handwriting. Their small, round kitchen table had been cleared of all the dirty plates from this morning and no doubt put in the dishwasher.

  
Their living room is an absolute mess, though; Josh sees a bunch of their laundry stacked on the coffee table waiting to be folded to be put in place and okay, fine, it _was_ Josh’s turn to do, so he was to blame for that one. A pizza box from the night before was on the floor and the TV was still on, a rerun of _The Flash_ playing making Josh roll his eyes.

  
At least it wasn't _Arrow_.

  
Tyler runs his fingers along the worn out brown couch before leaning into it, the creaking noise it lets out making Josh cringe while he fixes his gaze on him.

  
“Nice place.” He nods at the bland walls, Brendon nor Josh ever having time to repaint the boring beige colour.

  
“It’s okay,” Josh agrees, waving a hand in a grand gesture. “Welcome to my humble abode. It’s not that big, but Bren and I manage just fine.”

  
Then he spots the black mass that jumped onto the kitchen table soundlessly, pointing at it with a knowing smile. Tyler shifts his eyes to it and they widen in surprise before he runs forward with a laugh, picking up the cat before he can get away.

  
Not like he would have; Donnie was a lazy motherfucker who secretly loved affection.

  
“Oh my gosh,” Tyler coos, hugging Donnie tight and petting between his ears. “So cute, oh man. Oh man, I’ve missed you too, buddy.”

  
Josh watches them with an enamoured expression on his face, he’s sure of it. Before he knows it, Tyler is placing Donnie down, the cat (rendered a purring mess at this point) tangling itself between his feet to get his attention as he tries to walk toward Josh. When he makes it, successfully avoiding stepping on the poor cat, he places a hand on his cheek softly, running his thumb against his cheekbone so delicately. It was as though Josh was the only thing that mattered and he couldn't break him before leaning down and catching his lips with his.

  
It’s sweet and gentle until it shifts into a lustful kiss, tongues sliding out and meeting one another while hair starts being tugged and clothes start shedding.

  
“Room, Jishwa.” Tyler breathes, grinding his hips against Josh’s, the only thing on them being their boxers at this point.

  
“Can't I just bend you over and fuck you on the counter?” Josh whines, kissing Tyler’s jaw teasingly.

  
“ _No_.”

  
“No fun,” Josh mutters, grabbing the backs of Tyler's thighs and lifting him up, his legs wrapping around his waist with a groan.

  
“You’re unbelievable.” Tyler says back, smacking Josh’s shoulder when he hits him against the wall on accident.

  
They make it to Josh’s room and he practically throws Tyler onto the bed crawling between his legs eagerly, going back in to kiss his plump red lips.

  
He doesn't know how long they stay like that, kissing and running their fingers along the other’s body trying to refamiliarize themselves with each other. It’s only when Josh rolls his hips absently into Tyler’s that Tyler’s eyes flutter shut, a small moan passing his lips as he digs his nails into Josh’s shoulder.

  
“Quit teasing,” Tyler begs and they let go of each other to kick off their boxers, reconnecting their bodies when their done.

  
Grabbing the lube and coating his fingers generously, he preps Tyler the best he can, watching the boy jerk and huff out breaths into his neck. He watches Tyler bite his lip to stop his moans and feels him rolling his hips down into Josh’s fingers, trying to get his fingers to hit _just_ the right spot.

  
Once he removes his fingers and rolls on the condom, he looks down at Tyler with such an awed look of adoration, trying to pour out all the feelings flowing in his veins with the simple stare. Tyler wraps his legs around Josh’s hips, pushing him closer with a smile on his face, nodding at him encouragingly.

  
And it’s funny because when Josh pushes into him, Tyler’s eyes closing in pleasure, it finally hits him that this is real. All of this is real and after so long, after searching for the right partner and always being met with the shittiest outcomes, he’s here with Tyler.

It will always be Tyler.

  
He thrusts into him, lifting his hand to Tyler’s and intertwining their fingers as he fucks him, leaning down and biting at his collarbone.

  
“Josh, Josh, Josh,” Tyler is repeating, chanting his name like it's the only word he knows while lifting his hips to match Josh’s thrusts. “S’good, you're so good, you fuck me so good, keep going, keep go— _Josh_.”

  
He feels it in his core before he can stop it and he quickly reaches between them to start pumping Tyler’s cock, hoping to get him over the edge along with him.

  
“Come on, baby boy,” Josh urges huskily, biting at Tyler’s earlobe as his thrusts deepen and slow. “Let go for me.”

  
Tyler moans and tosses his head to the side, revealing his neck to him and Josh doesn't pass up the opportunity to leave more love bites on him, claiming him even if it's just for the night.

  
When they both reach their climaxes, nails scratching bodies and loud moans piercing the air around them, Josh slumps down against Tyler. They both breathe heavily, silent and with eyes closed, taking in the presence of the other before Josh pulls out of Tyler and rids himself of the condom.

  
They lay together, staring at the ceiling with rapid rising chests and smiles on their faces. Tyler rolls over, resting his head on Josh’s bare chest, kissing it gently and making Josh’s heart practically stop in his chest, because he's so lucky to be here with him right now.

  
“I still love you, Joshua Dun.”

  
It’s said so simply, so easily, dripping off Tyler’s lips like honey and reaching Josh’s ears like music and isn't it fucking funny how life turned out?

  
“I don't think I ever stopped loving you, Tyler Joseph.”

 

* * *

 

The show itself is a bust.

Josh had learned all the songs without a problem, opting to create a super cool, super legit handshake with Tyler once he got the main drum beats down. Tyler agreed and together they made one, laughing at the creativity behind it all and joking about how one day this very handshake will be iconic, _just you wait, Tyler, you'll see._

"Why Twenty One Pilots?" Josh asks Tyler when they're laying in bed cuddling after. Tyler gives him a confused look, earning him a flick on the nose. "If I'm in the band now I should know the meaning behind the name."

"It's from a play called _All My Sons_ by Arthur Miller _._  This guy, a mechanic really, from the second world war had to send these pilots plane pieces. The thing is, the ones he had weren't good, they were faulty pieces but they needed them asap because war and stuff so he had to choose between making the right decision or the easy one." Tyler pauses, pressing closer into Josh. "He sent the faulty pieces and killed— _murdered_ twenty one pilots, Josh." 

Josh holds him extra tight that night.

After that Josh had insisted that he learns how to backflip because _why the fuck not Tyler, it would be so sick_ and so Tyler had spread out a bunch of couch cushions on the floor, warning Josh to be careful because he didn't want his boyfriend to die over something this stupid.

Josh grinned stupidly wide when he stuck the landing like a fucking champ.

The night of the show at OU rolls around and they set up all their equipment in the frat, Josh almost losing his shit on a drunk kid trying to take a piss on his drum kit and Tyler trying not to laugh at him about it.

They get two songs in before their set is being shut down by the cops and Josh can't even hide the disbelief on his face as they begin to pack up _again_.

When he looks at Tyler though, he doesn't look upset. He’s watching Josh with a wide smile on his face, his eyes shining with happiness and Josh understands.

 _God_ , does he understand.

He smiles back, pulling him close and kissing him hard on the mouth, sharp teeth tugging on Tyler's lower lip as he pulls away.

Everything was definitely worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess the last chapter is a good time for shameless self promo right?
> 
> follow us on twiter if ya want to chat and stuff:  
> @babsisnotsocial  
> @darthkais
> 
> or tumblr:  
> selfish-ambitions
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this story, or yell at me in the comments, or.. something. miss ya already.


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